Wedding Blog
Everyone likes a juicy bit of gossip now and then, and I’m no exception. I just usually prefer when it’s someone else’s gossip. But I guess my number is up, because I’ve got a doozy of a drama on my hands.
I have a friend whom I’ve known for a few years. We only became somewhat close in the past year, though we were friendly acquaintances for some time before that. During the past several months though, it became pretty clear pretty quickly that this was the sort of friendship that would require some effort. It was one of those one-sided, very frustrating relationships. She was flaky, inconsiderate, selfish, and generally unavailable. Half the invitations I extended were flat out refused; the other half she cancelled on last minute. Acts of unbelievable rudeness were committed towards myself and some mutual friends, people who made a real effort to include her socially.
When the rest of these mutual friends decided they’d had enough, I stuck around. What can I say? She made me laugh, and when you could finally pin her down, she was a blast to be around. At one point, we had a heart-to-heart in which I told her how frustrating she was, how much everyone enjoyed her company but couldn’t deal with her self-centeredness. She thanked me for my honesty and we embarked on v. 2.0 of our friendship.
Now for the subplot. About two weeks after I announced my engagement, she announced hers. To a man she’d known five months. This man would be her second husband inside of two years; she started dating him before the divorce of her first marriage was even final. To add to this, she had only just declared her new fiance a boyfriend two months prior. Before that, she’d been dating not only him, but another man as well. And that man was a married man.
Back to the main plot. When she told me of her engagement, I (along with everyone else) was shocked. But I did my best to be supportive, because I knew she was in a very bad, very lonely place. And in fact, she asked me to be her bridesmaid…in the wedding that she scheduled two weeks prior to mine (in October, which was our original date). Not the greatest timing on that, but I was excited to have a cohort in wedding planning, and we shared our ideas with one another.
Well, that’s where the trouble comes in. I told her an idea I had for my STDs, which she declared cute and creative, and “something she’d never think of.” It was nothing particularly fancy, just a poem I was going to quote as a motif to use again throughout the wedding.
At any rate, when her STD arrived (by this time we’d postponed our own wedding six months), we saw she had copied my idea. It was copied again on her wedding website. There was no way around it; it was my exact idea. What. A. Bummer.
I called her, and as usual she didn’t answer. I left a message which was hurt and angry, but honest. I wanted to know if it was coincidence, if she’d forgotten, if she thought it didn’t matter–anything. But she didn’t call me back. This was three weeks ago. I was hurt by her using my idea, I was hurt by her not calling me back and completely ignoring the issue–but I had no idea the kind of hurt I was in for…
A week after not hearing from her, I logged onto her wedding website to see if her shower had been planned. (Oh, and by the way, it was me who’d initiated the discussion of plans for her shower–I figured I’d take charge and surprise her because all of her bridesmaids are virtual strangers to one another.) I was still angry at her, but I figured she was just being her usual unavailable self and we’d work it out when she got around to calling. But once on her website, I click to the page with her wedding party.
And I saw my name was gone from the “Bridesmaids” listing, and another in its place. She replaced me, and never even told me.
No call, no discussion, nothing. Our friendship tossed off like *snap* that.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, considering her past behavior. But here’s the thing. It’s put such a sour taste in my mouth about weddings. I know it’s temporary, but I’m so flabbergasted that someone could be so tacky and cowardly.
And another thing — what do I do now? I mean, Judith Martin probably wouldn’t touch this one with a ten foot pole. I’ve never been a bridesmaid before, so I’ve never been a fired bridesmaid before. Am I supposed to just shrug it off? Do I have the right to write her a letter and tell her I don’t appreciate her actions? Not to mention, ask WHY? Because considering how hard I tried with her, I’m mystified as to what her justification. When someone breaches etiquette with their actions so completely, what’s the proper etiquette of reaction?
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Well, I’ve been a fired bridesmaid. Not my best time, but still. I’m still hurt (as she was my best friend at the time) but life goes on. She’s got two kids now and we don’t talk. She fired me without a word, until I finally had to ask what the hell was going on. When she told me, I didn’t say anything else to her and our friendship was done.
Now that I’m planning my own wedding, it still stings, but there is nothing you can really do about it. I mean, what would come of it?
And to be honest, who would even care about a friend who would do that to you? If she stole your idea and kicked you out of her party, let it go- she must not have been that good of a person after all.
I say good riddance, and don’t even bother asking her about it, it’s just going to make you look obsessive. Some people are just rude.
Just think the amount of energy you use to maintain this “friendship”. Now, channel that energy into planning your wedding, loving your fiance’ and learning how to be a good wife. Stick with the friends that you have and move on. This woman is clearly unstable (moving from marriage, to marriage, being involved with married men, etc.) and does not take friendships or marital relationships seriously. Count it a blessing that she has cut you from her “friend” circle and try to avoid interacting with her ever again.
Ew I get angry just thinking about this and I’m not even involved! I think you’re better off without her, all that time and energy is wasted on her if you’re hurt all the time.
Sounds like she’s a big coward. You can silently let her get away with it, knowing she will probably carry some uncomfortable guilt forever, or you can let her know you noticed, but be careful not to seem annoyed or angry, else she’ll imagine that she was justified in cutting you out this way and probably never feel too bad about it again.
I think I’d send a polite note to say, “I feel like I’ve been shut out from your life lately; if this is a mistake, I’d love to get back in touch. If it’s not, I wish you a beautiful wedding day and a lifetime of happiness” or something along those lines that will really burn. 
There’s nothing you can do to make this situation any better, so I think the best thing is to just let it drop. It might make you feel better for a few minutes to write her a nasty note, but I think that sort of thing leaves a bad taste later on, and I’m sure it wouldn’t have any effect on her–if she cared about the opinions of others, she wouldn’t act the way she does. Could have been worse, you could have been “fired” after you spent a lot of money on the wedding–dress, shower, bachelorette party, presents, etc. (I’m hoping you *didn’t* spend that money yet.) Count yourself lucky that you got out now, and go back to planning your own wedding.
Wow. I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this mess. It sounds like you have always been a good friend to her and she is a bit of a drama queen. I would like to say that if this situation happened to me, I would handle it with dignity and grace- but alas- I’d probably be hurt and overreact. I like AMK’s idea of sending her a note. That way you know you did everything you can to “be the bigger person” and salvage a friendship.
However, being the stubborn girl that I ususally am, I’d just ignore her, not go to her wedding and think good riddance.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck. This is a tricky situation for sure.
Oh, Miss Lovebug, this is horrible, but I do LOVE your posts!!! Great title! I’d say etiquette be damned, do whatever makes you feel best about this at this point. And please update us with whatever that is!
it. is. over. miss ladybug, walk away. sometimes, it’s just not worth it.
but at this exact moment, if i were you…my emo side would be dyyyying to make sure she knew that iiiii knew i was being ousted. so if you also feel compelled to say SOMEthing, i suggest sending her a goodbye-ish email along the lines of ‘hey, i noticed i’m no longer in your wedding party. sorry it didn’t work out. best wishes. hasta biatch.’
I believe the proper etiquette for this is to let karma have it’s way.
If this kind of behavior is repeated by your “friend” on a regular basis, then it’s not surprising that she would do it to you– the one who constantly gives her second chances. Not to sound like I’m going against you but you’re nothing special to her and she’s obviously proven that– so treat her the same way.
Sometimes, enough is enough. I believe that time has come for you. There is nothing more you can do for her or for your “friendship”– you’ve done more than you could ever be asked to do. There’s no sense in wasting more time on reconciling, unless you really have to know why. And if the reason really matters to you then you should ask for closure’s sake but don’t expect her to be apologetic about anything– from the looks of it, as you’ve said yourself, she’s self centered and no one else will matter more to her than herself… don’t let her get to you, you deserve so much more in a friend so move on, there are bigger fish to fry!
I feel a little stupid in that it took me a minute to understand your title.
In my opinion, what to do now depends on your personality. The best thing to do is probably just drop her from your life.
But, I am the type of person that needs some closure. So I would probably write an email explaining that I was hurt by the first copycat thing, but extremely hurt to be dropped as a bridesmaid without even a discussion. You don’t need to ask questions or anything that would invite a reply, just state your feelings and say that you are sorry your friendship had to end like that.
The good news is - she won’t be around to steal the rest of your wedding along with your date and STDs.
i say…shrug it off.. You are much better off anyway. Best of Luck!
I’m a little bit confused. She sent you a STD–which implies that you’ll be getting an invitation. But within a week, she’s dropped you as a bridesmaid without tell you. And still expects you to attend the wedding? Strange, to say the least.
If I were you, I’d drop it. You certainly have the right to demand an explanation, but I can’t imagine anything she might say that would bring any satisfaction to you. Sending her a letter and demanding to know why she did all this will only serve to prolong the “plot” and bring you further grief. I’d cut my losses now and move on.
My BF stole some of my ideas for her wedding, which is before mine. I’m trying to ignore it and keep my mouth shut.
As for being fired, are you fired? How can you be sure? Do you even care? I say fired or not, just quit. Don’t even give 2 weeks. After being treated badly, consider it a way out without additional drama.
I think you can use her changed website as a conversation starter for a conversation that leaves you a graceful way out. Even if it’s just a message you leave on her machine, it could go something like, “Hi, I looked up your wedding website today to [view your registry, get directions, check wedding news, etc.] and I noticed my name came off the bridesmaid list. I’m not sure if that’s a mistake or you’ve had a change of heart, but I’m trying to make plans so please call to discuss as soon as you can.”
BTW, I liked your story except I got really turned off at the “Now for the subplot” paragraph which I thought was pretty judgmental sounding. This part made me much more empathetic towards her. We all have that special lovable wacky friend who makes personal choices/mistakes we wouldn’t (or so we think), but all the more reason to just love her anyway the way she is. We don’t need to approve or even like whoever she’s dating/marrying or the circumstances of their relationship. None of our business to pass judgment there. [OK, thanks for listening.]
Sounds like the definition of a “toxic relationship”. You should definitely write or email for the sake of closure. I’m not sure about showing up at the wedding though….do you go to be a “physical reminder” to her guests of what she did or blow it off altogether….I’m undecided.
I agree with May karma always has a way of finding mean people. Just shrug it off and consider it a favor that you don’t have such a bad friend and you don’t have to deal with her stealing your great ideas anymore.
Iris: you’re right on the subplot thing. I guess maybe I was thinking of character development?? I dunno. But you are right–not necessarily germane to the issue. Thanks for your honesty. 
That totally sucks. But life is too short to waste precious energy on negative people. And she sounds like one of the most miserable and negative people in the world!
As difficult as it may be, I don’t think it’s worth it to try to contact her, let her know how you feel, etc. She doesn’t exactly have a track record of good communication. Besides, it’s not like she’s going to have an “aha” moment where she suddenly says “OMG you are so right, I AM a totally selfish, crazy, mean, miserable, dumb witch!” She’ll probably just spin things to make you look crazy. In my experience these kinds of people usually self destruct, and it sounds like she’s well on her way.
The best revenge is living well. Good luck Miss Lovebug!
Totally let this one go.
She is not a lifelong friend.
Send her a handwritten note, saying:
Dear X,
I noticed my name is no longer on your list of bridesmaids on your web site. Since I have not heard from you, I will assume I am not longer responsible bridesmaids duties. I wish you all the best in your marriage and future endeavors.
Best,
X
That’s seriosly all you need to say.
No e-mail, just handwritten note.
And don’t take her calls.
She is a —
TOXIC friend
I 100% agree with Dels that a short email letting her know you’re aware of what she did and a “best of luck” would be the best way to go.
I know how you feel, though. I had a friend that had asked me to be her MOH - I was shocked!! I hadn’t thought we were all that close and I’d never even met her fianc© but I agreed, and never heard about it again - got the wedding invitation and she never called me or returned any of my calls until about 2 months before the wedding when she said she had to go after a few minutes of chit chat cause she was having “stress with her bridesmaids”. I didn’t bring it up because I’m sure it would have been an awkward conversation and frankly, I didn’t feel the need to be in her wedding. The day came and I didn’t end up going to the wedding. She hasn’t returned any of my calls since and actually denied me as a friend on Myspace so I don’t know if it was something before or after the wedding. Sometimes closure is knowing that it’s over and bringing it up may not help.
Miss Lovebug, thanks for your reply.
When you do talk w/ her, would just stick to the issue about needing to confirm your status as a bridesmaid (really, it might have been a mistake or IT limitation, you can’t tell; great opportunity to use the passive voice) and not get into anything about what you think of the guy/relationship, since that’s a no-win for you. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted!
Like you, I used to try to keep up friendships with people that are flakey or don’t put in the effort and give them 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances to reciprocate. One day I realized that as tacky as it sounds, friendship is a two-way street and have since focused my energies in keeping up the good friendships that I do have. In this instance, it’s obvious that she’s not a true friend. I would just let it go. There’s no sense in putting more energy or thought into someone who will not be a part of your life. Plus, no matter what action you take, it won’t make you feel any better. If you are anything like me, doing anything spiteful will just make you feel guilty and confronting her will only add drama to your life. I say do nothing and just let her deal with Karma.
she did you a favor — you don’t need this nonsense in your life. i also disagree with writing her a note; make your own closure without her.
closure is about making it right with yourself, with or without her. the question is: is there ANYTHING she can say that would make her behaviour okay with you?
one last thing — you should totally go her wedding … wearing your wedding dress.
P.S. Don’t tell her your favorite baby names, ever!
Oh, ms lovebug! that’s just awful. i’m so sorry you have to go through that drama!
let’s see, if i were in your shoes, i’d probably contact her just as Iris mentioned above and mention the website. if she didn’t respond after a week, i’d just be honest with her and tell her how i felt after being cut off. maybe a simple note saying, “i’ve noticed some things lately that has caused me to believe that our friendship has ended. if i’m misinterpreting something, please let me know. if not, i do wish you all the best in your marriage.”
kill ‘em with kindness, i say. :o)
in the end when she finally matures, she’ll have to live with what she’s done to you (and everyone else). she’ll also realize what she’s missing out on. everyone has outgrow selfishness someday, and i’m sure she’ll feel her mistakes when she finally matures.
You know, this is the exact reason that a lot of women don’t talk to their friends who are getting married about their unique wedding ideas: some women steal their friends ideas!
Anyway, I say good riddance that she made the move to leave your life. Then you don’t have any guilt about kicking her out of your life, which it seems you would have had to do down the line anyway.
I’m sure you have many worthwhile friends, this is not one of them. You’re better off now without her, and if you’re the forgiving type you may rekindle your friendship one day but I personally am not that big of a person. You’ve been a good friend to her, and you were taken advantage of. Just move on lovebug, she does not deserve another second of thought or concern from you anymore.
From the time my cousin got engaged I told my fiance, sister and parents they were not to breathe a word of our wedding plans to her. I could just see her stealing one of my ideas and listening to my grandmother spend the rest of her life talking about how I copid my cousin.
So far she has copied my registry and my ring (had hers re-designed). I couldn’t hide those two things from her. So glad I haven’t told her anything about the wedding.
Miss Lovebug- just walk away. I would be ticked too though! She just doesn’t deserve your time.
As for someone planning their wedding right before yours… I have someone in my family (we grew up practically as sisters) get engaged 8 months after me and is getting married 2 months before me. I will only have been engaged less than 14 months when we get married.
JennyGoLightly posted this postsecret image a few months ago, and it’s as true today as it ever was.
http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/994/593/400/458118/stole.jpg
WOW. I think you should just write her a short note as Mary suggested and then let it go. You said yourself that she’s probably in a lonely confused phase in her life. She probably wasn’t even thinking straight. Sh*t happens but don’t let it slow down your wedding planning! =)
I would write a reallllly nasty email and as soon as I’m finished delete it. It may make you feel better to send it, but really, it won’t help anything. She obviously didn’t care about your feelings before, and I’m pretty sure she won’t care now either. She may read any email, even the nice ones, and think that she got exactly what she wanted - you to be upset.
Best of luck…
this story pissed me off. im sorry this happened to you, but.. i guess it would be best to just shake it off and get to your own planning.. good luck with everything!
I would write a letter and tell her how much she has hurt you- in a diplomatic but serious way and then mail it and let it go… I would just be too pissed to not tell her something.
Let the relationship go. I was replaced as a BM. I had lots of ideas on why this happened. In the end, I never was given a decent answer and the friendship was over. Wish her the best if you see her and be thankful that you don’t have to deal with her anymore.
it’s probably tougher for you because you feel like you gave her so many chances at friendship but she didn’t return the favor. that was my situation with my friends. don’t take it personal. if she were a good friend she would have called. at this point, let it go…i think the short email note if you want some closure for yourself. you have a wedding to plan…focus on that and life
poor miss lovebug. 
that sucks, and the worst part is that even though you didn’t do anything wrong, you’re the one that ends up feeling bad. i like Angie’s idea of writing a nasty email then deleting it. then just try to move on. someday it’ll just be a funny story to tell your friends.
as for etiquette, people who blatantly flaunt rules of etiquette and human kindness don’t get the same level of politeness as others.
I had a toxic friend once. We were sworn enemies at school (i think we were two too big fish in our small school pond) but got close during uni when i had my heart broken a few times. We became best friends when we both moved to London. I knew she was having a hard time of it, and that coincided with me getting together with one of her friends (not a very close one, but still, i met him through her) and then he had to go away for 2 months on business. I missed him terribly, had some crap work things happen, she was struggling with a crappy job and we both lost the ability to help one another. I realise afterwards that I had been treating her a bit like a boyfriend, both of us calling whenever we had five minutes spare, not thinking before just picking up the phone and arranging plans, and after we had a bit of a tiff, the should i call, shouldn’t i call was like a breakup of a relationship.
We’ve since attempted to fix things numerous occassions but every time one of us has demanded explanations for behaviour, felt hurt, angry or betrayed by various actions, and it’s just too bitter on both sides.
It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with not having her in my life - she was always going to be one of my bridesmaids - but my emotions are more steady without her, and the ups and downs of her emotional rollercoaster just aren’t worth the pay-off of the fun times we had.
It’s really hard to not feel betrayed and wounded in situations like these. Emotionally manipulative people (whether through their own malice or just through their damaged hearts like this one sounds) are a drain on your sanity and I think walking away is the best option. I tried to drag this friendship over the coals many times and it just opened up wounds again and again. If she wants to explain herself, she knows where you are. In the meantime, go plan the wedding of your dreams and save yourself the heartache of questioning and second-guessing someone else’s idea of etiquette.
Best of luck and happy thoughts. xx
Thanks so much to everyone who took time to read my epic post. I’m the sort of person who seeks as much advice as possible when I have a problem; the more opinions I get, the more confident I feel in agreeing with any one of them.
So thanks for advising/commisserating/sharing/just listening.
It seems the majority vote is, turn the other cheek, which of course is probably the best thing. But some of you are like me: needing closure, which for me, would be writing a letter saying how I feel. We’ll see.
Anyway, my gratitude.
Hi:
I just wanted to point out the upshot of all this….you can use YOUR poem for your wedding again
as long as it doesn’t interfere with your closure.
I was fired as a bridesmaid also. She was my close friend and my college roommate. I would always invite her out and she would always decline my invitations, which I thought that was fine, maybe she’d just rather stay home, plus she wasn’t very social and didn’t really make any friends. Well she gets engaged and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I accepted the offer. I always offered to help her with the wedding, go wedding dress shopping, whatever…a little over a year goes by and she kind of walks by me in the apartment and hesitates to ask me something. She basically said that in 20 years when she’s showing her wedding photos to someone and they ask who I was and she didn’t know where I was in 20 years then, how would that look? So this basically meant that she never intended on being friends after we moved out and graduated. Nice, huh? Nonetheless, she got married, but not on the date she originally told me…why would someone lie about something like that? And we last talked a couple of months before the wedding and she asked me my address so she could send the invitation…never got one. So I took it as a hint and haven’t really looked back since. This whole situation actually still cracks me up…
My point is, you have to look past these situations and take it how it is. More than likely, from what I read, you are better off without her, as am I. Do your wedding how you want to. Even though she did steal your ideas, which is pretty hateful, if you still like the ideas, go for it. If its going to remind you on your day that this girl took the ideas from you, try and think of something else. You don’t need a toxic friend who is only going to use you. Those types of people are never happy, and misery loves company…just shrug it off, and know that you deserve better than that.
I am a letter sender in situations like this. And although you should realize she’s just a LITTLE person, and you should also concentrate on your own happiness, I say get closure. If some of your wit and a few biting comments are included in that closure, I say more power to you. I am all for being the bigger person and what not, but this woman is just sad, petty, tacky and needs to be put in her place.
This is all my very humble opinion, but I suggest you write her a letter or email (since she’s more likely to read it) and address that:
1) Your sorry that she decided to fire you for whatever reason. You can’t agree with the reason becuase you don’t knw what it is. Where you come from, when a BM tries to plan a shwoer and help out a bride, that behavior is appreciated. It shows her lack of maturity and class to not only fire you for undisclosed reasons, but to not TELL you.
2) You think it’s sad that her life will likely now be as counterfiet as her wedding, which she is boosting from you.
3) You wish her happiness, because she’ll need all the luck and well-wishes she can get.
This is truly out of my character to suggest this is a good idea! But, ridiculous and irrational times call for snarky measures. 
I don’t know…I would want an answer too, but I’m tempted to say that in this case you are honestly better just moving on. You are better off.
Nice.
Just this past month I went from best friend and maid of honor to oh, yeah this is my other bridesmaid. she’s in the back.
that sucks.
The proper answer is to walk away. You deserve better. This person may make you laugh, but, she’s not a friend.
what a bitch.
I totally agree with the diplomatic women who are advising you to use the website as a conversation starter to contact her to make sure you have been replaced as a bridesmaid. You never know if her future husband might have insisted his sister/cousin/whatever be her maid of honor or you could be right and she is way too self-centered to be dealt with- either way, count your blessings because it would be terrible to spend that much time and money away from your own wedding on someone not worth it.
whatever happened here? I’m just wondering– did you write her the letter? did she get married? Did she continue to be a horrible friend to everyone on earth and have drama all over the place?? I’m dying here! I need to know!
Haha, I’m with Erica, I saw the “One Year Ago” post and am just shocked that anybody could treat people like this. But Mrs. Lovebug, if it isn’t too terrible to talk about, let us know
Erica and LeahB: hahaha. Funny to see this come up again. The girl has continued being her perfect cliche self; she married (her third husband), and has pretty much proven everyone right about who and what she is. She’s kind of a town joke. Talk about a ghost from the past!
I must say I’m glad she’s a ghost and you’re not associating yourself with her. You’re much too good for that. =D Thanks for humoring us!
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Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson
Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant
Engagement Date: February 18, 2007
Wedding Date: April 19, 2008
Venue: Historic Inn
About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?
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