Weddingbee
There is some familial upheaval in my family lately. There is a family member (my dad’s sister) who isn’t quite getting along with other family members, me included. The story is quite long and rambly, but let me say that her participation in family events seems to really disturb some people, again, me included.
She’s rude, overbearing and heartless. Although she may be close to other members of my family, for some reason the three in mine (father, brother and myself) seem to be targets of hers. My brother has disowned her, my father is physically ill in her presence, and for things she has done to my father and my brother I cannot stop the anger I feel. Because of these things, I don’t want to invite her to the wedding. While it’s not just my two family members who dislike her, it’s her other sister as well, there are a few who invite her to things. Sure, we can try to get along when she’s invited, but it really is forced. And since Mr. Kiwi and I will be at our sweetheart table, I’m going to have to worry about who to seat her with.
Then there is the trouble with my brother. After things she has said to him, things she has accused him of doing (disgusting things that were just not true) I completely stand by his choice to disown her. He has since moved to Australia, and will be seeing this side of our family for the first time in years, and I want to make this meeting as smooth as possible. He has stayed away from this side because of her, no matter how sweet the rest of the family can be.
I was raised to be the “bigger” person and to always be kind to others. In this case, I’m tired of being kind, and I don’t want my brother, my dad and various other members of the family to be possibly terrorized. Though you may think I’m exaggerating, believe me, she is unstable. I know it sounds silly, but after many years of her mentally and emotionally abusing my dad (there is a will that states none of the family properties can be split up amongst family until 2029 or something, so they’re forced together), I will worry about this.
What would you do?
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So wait….why is she coming, again? I thought you weren’t going to invite her? She seems like the person that will make life difficult on the day and if you and your fiance do not want her there then you don’t need to invite her (regardless of what your other family thinks).
I honestly do not know what I would do in your situation. I know that I would cry, and ask my Mom what she thinks.
Is there anyone who can talk to her? Perhaps someone she does get along with?
If you are positive that she will cause issues then I would say leave her out. That will probably make it difficult for the people who do like her but it will also show her that her behavior will not be tolerated. Although, from what I understand, she probably won’t get it. Are there more people who like her or who dislike her? I would say that if there are more that dislike her, leave her out.
Although I’m sure you want to be surrounded by the ones you love on your day and don’t want anyone left out, it’s probably better to leave her out. You don’t want to be stressing about this.
Good luck. I wish you all the best in this tricky situation.
I am in a similar situation as you, except everyone on my father’s side of the family has disowned this women (she is my dad’s sister)…however, she is married to my mother’s cousin. I have chosen to not invite her and her family. Mostly for the comfort of my guests, but also because my blood boils over every time I see her.
It is your wedding day, you don’t need to have anymore worries than the ones you already have to deal with. You want your guests (and yourself) to be able to enjoy themselves…and from the sounds of it…you and your closest family members won’t miss her not being there.
Soiree Laura. a few people are telling me to be the bigger person and invite her, because it shows that even though she doesn’t acknowledge my existence, I’m going to do the good thing.
I want to be the nice girl and invite everyone, but I don’t want to make my loved ones unhappy. At this point, the family who likes/dislikes is about split 50/50. I’ve been told to not add to the animosity and just invite her, but something makes me not want to, I am trying to protect my dad. Because of the housing situation (the family owned lots- and one my dad lives in) My aunt pops in unannouced and literally berates him for random things.
I’d rather my wedding day be the ONE day he doesn’t have to worry about her showing up unexpectedly.
I don’t really understand the point of this post. No one likes her, including you, she’s been a bad person to your family, seemingly no one expects or wants her to come. What’s the question again?
Un, I said in my response up above that SOME family members are suggesting I invite her. She’s not awful to everyone, and some people do expect her to come- she is my Aunt.
I say NO WAY would I invite her!! If you and your dad and your brother ALL hate being around her that much, that faaaaar trumps other random relatives telling you to be the bigger person, as far as I’m concerned. The types of people we were considering not inviting, we did in the end, because not inviting them would CREATE drama. But for your aunt - she totally knows what she’s doing and that a large portion of the family finds her behavior unacceptable. While she may not be happy with the decision, it’s not like you’re STARTING something. She started this years ago, and your one wedding day is NOT the time to try to solve a rift that’s all her fault.
I would stand your ground. This is your wedding and you want to have a nice time and make sure the rest of your guests enjoy themselves (your father and brother included). She’ll get over it. I’ll say it again, THIS IS YOUR WEDDING.
My father has uninvited both his daughters (my half sisters) because of their years of bad behavior — pain killers, alcohol etc. It had to be done and I’ll be so relieved not to have to worry about them on my wedding day.
HTH!
Do Not Invite Her. easy.
I have not told my unstable sister the date of the wedding i am so afraid she is going to do somehting awful to ruin it, so don’t feel bad. Families are not perfect and we dont have to pretend they are. It is your day as BB says. Seriously DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, she would only ruin your day as my sister would if she were at mine.
Your wedding. Your guests. Don’t invite her.
I must second Miss Bluebell. I also like and was raised to be the bigger person. Oneday someone said to me, Ya know what? Get over it. Who cares if they think you are a b*tch. If your father and brother don’t like her and they are your immediate family, then why bother inviting her. She’s not going to add anything pleasant to your wedding or the lives of these other relatives who are telling you to invite her. One day ain’t gonna change anything. Esp. if she’s unstable, you have ever reason to not invite her.
Don’t lose site of what the wedding is about. This is not a family reunion. It’s not a family barbeque. It’s a celebration of your and Mr. Kiwi’s marriage. You are inviting people you love to share in this wonderful moment. If she doesn’t acknowledge your existence and you can’t stand her, then she shouldn’t attend.
Taking into account all the facts, including that some family members are urging you to invite her, I still wouldn’t. It’s not their call to make. Be the “bigger person” some other time but not your wedding day - this day should go as smoothly as possible and having her there will just make you and your dad nervous. Don’t do that to yourself.
In this case it sounds like you’re trying to go out of your way to please everyone, and you simply can’t. You already know this. Those that like this woman will be unhappy if she isn’t invited. Those that dislike her, including you, will be unhappy if she is. As Miss Bluebell put it, you, your dad and your brother’s votes faaar trump anyone else’s.
Don’t invite her. It’s that simple. Yeah sure…. some people will want to make you feel guilty about this but in the end you want good vibes and good karma on your wedding day so NO crazy person! Good luck!
i’m wondering about that myself, since i can’t stand my sister’s husband and the thought of looking at him at my wedding, let alone in any of our pictures, leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth…but my sister is very sensitive so i don’t know how this would go with her. but luckily [i guess] your situation is a little more black and white. i’d say don’t invite her. if this makes the day go easier for people then go ahead and leave her off the invite list. good luck!
Personally, I’d leave her off the list. Yes, it is nice to be the bigger person (I always want to be the more mature one, too), but it sounds like in the long run, her presence will just bring added stress to you and your closest family members. While it would be lovely if there was a way to resolve the situation, it just seems like there is no answer to satisfy everyone, and once in a while, you have to put yourself first.
Think of it this way — if you invite her and she creates a scene and makes the day uncomfortable for you, your father, and your brother, you will always remember it. However, if you leave her off the list, a few other family members may question your decision and whisper behind your back, but 10 years down the road, you will likely not look back on your wedding and wish you had invited her.
Just remember, this is YOUR day, and you and your immediate family should be celebrating, not worrying or made to feel uncomfortable at such a joyous occasion.
No need to invite her. We skipped inviting a parent’s cousin who was stirring the pot and being a PITA regarding my grandparents’ will. No one noticed or complained that the icky cousin wasn’t at the wedding. She’s a sufficiently distant relative that she didn’t know when/where, so no risk of her crashing. So it was no loss. Really.
Don’t invite her. She hasn’t earned your respect.
I wouldn’t invite her, and if she asks why, I’d tell her flat out. I have a (some-what) similar situation - my aunt and uncle are divorced, and since their divorce my (non-biological) aunt has been more like family than he has. He is now married to the woman he cheated on her with. Is it horrible that I want to invite my uncle but not his new wife?
Maybe the rest of the family that still include this vile woman in things are TOO sweet… Perhaps they don’t feel the need (or don’t have it in them) to distance themselves from her. If she really is awful then I’m sure that they’ll understand, and maybe even applaud you for standing up for your family - -
It sounds like an ugly situation either way. On the one hand your nearest and dearest will be uncomfortable if she comes, on the other hand a large chunk of your extended family may get the brunt of her misdeeds if she is ostricized.
Ask your Brother what he thinks, it would be terrible if a grandmother decides not to come because Auntie is throwing a tantrum
GOOD LUCK
A few weeks ago, I posted a similar predicament concerning my FSIL and FI’s brother and how horrible they’ve been to me and FI’s family. Yet FPIL were insistent that we invite them because “they’re family.” Well that didn’t fly with us. We put our foot down and said they would not be invited and if any family members had a problem with that, they should decline the invitation. It’s OUR day just as it’s YOUR WEDDING.
We also made another decision: we’re eloping on Saturday while on vacation. Now I really don’t care who comes to our “fake wedding” and reception! 
There’s being the bigger person and then there’s looking out for your mental and emotional health. Don’t invite.
As others said, I vote for not inviting her, because it seems clear to me that she would in no way add to your happiness and really only make you worry about your father’s and brother’s feelings. And, if she is THAT unstable that you think she might still show up uninvited and make a scene, put a responsible person in charge of keeping their eye out for her and kindly escorting her out immediately if she shows up!
When the people who like her host a party, THEY can invite her to it. This one’s yours…give yourself a wedding gift of a peaceful day.
I second Brooke… DEFINITELY put a few people in the know so that she can be discreetly removed if she decides to turn up unannounced!
Since you’re so close to your dad, I would just talk to him. But really, if it came down to it, I’d probably not invite her, since standing by immediate family is pretty important (especially considering how close you are to them and how much you respect them!).
It’s nice to be the bigger person, but not at the expense of the health and happiness of those closest to you. Don’t invite her, and don’t worry about it.
Good luck.
[...] Miss Kiwi at Weddingbee wrote about conflict with family members in her post “We are Family – Just Not You” This will strike a common cord with many of you. Everybody has family conflict at one level or [...]
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Mrs. Kiwi
Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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