Wedding Blog
Among my many confessions in life, I am a self-help book whore. Or should I say “couple-help” book whore. This is not to say Mr. Tomato and I have a troubled relationship, but I never understood why people wait until they are on the brinks of divorce before they evaluate their relationship and communication skills. I think most of us could benefit from a little counseling now and then. I’m a strong believer that even the dumb little fights stem from something bigger that needs to be addressed. The sooner you nip that in the bud, the better.
But I noticed that while the bookstores are filled with dating books and marriage books, there are hardly any that address the engagement period. Some of my single friends don’t quite understand. You’ve already weathered through the dating process; shouldn’t everything else be a breeze?
If you ask me, being engaged is tough! Of course I’m excited to marry the man of my life in a month(!) but trying to balance work, wedding planning, dealing with parents and future in-laws, buying (and selling) a house is stressful. Sometimes I find myself feeling so angry, and I don’t even know why. It’s no wonder couples tend to fight more as the engagement period wears on. Several times this past month, I nearly considered eloping. Unfortunately, I don’t think Mr. Tomato feels the same way and I’m sure it would cause a great uproar from BOTH sides of our families.
When I ask some of my recently-married friends what they wished they spent more time preparing for, the response wasn’t invitations, programs, or favors. It was simply this–preparing to be a wife.
I want to be the kind of wife where thirty years from now, Mr. Tomato will look into my eyes and tell me he’s still deeply in love with me. But what will I need to get there? What will we both need to battle through the treacherous storms?
Even if you’ve been dating for years and think you know everything about each other, I’m certain marriage will bring surprises none of us are prepared for. How many times have I heard an older person try to give me advice and then say, “I’ve been married for x years but I still don’t know my spouse at all!”
Out of all the books I’ve read (and there’s been many for this self-proclaimed book whore), one title that has made me feel better equipped for marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, which you can find here.
It gave me insight to things I never even thought about. I highly recommend it. And just check out the rating-out of 104 Amazon readers, it still retained 4.5/5 stars!
What about you? How have you been preparing for this part of marriage?
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We took a class/seminar called “Marriage-Prep 101″, which is offered by two marriage and family counselors, who also happen to be married to each other. It was the best thing we could have done and I would highly recommend it to anyone that is getting or is recently married. We are pretty open and talk about everything with each other. I went in nervous that we would discover that we are too different or that maybe we really did not belong together. We both also come from bad examples of marriage. The class was wonderful because we discovered that we have a lot more in common than we thought, but we just communicate differently. It also gave us a chance to talk about sensitive issues in a non-emotional (in the heat of the moment) way, which makes a huge difference.
I wish is that every one could take a class like this. Everyone in the class (which covered a large demographic) raved about it and talked about how valuable it was. It was like we got a tool-kit for a successful marriage - a hands-on couple-help book! We left there feeling like there was nothing we could not handle or work our way through and it totally changed our relationship from that weekend on.
A book that talks about the emotions of engagement that I found pretty helpful (so far, I haven’t finished it) is The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched by Sheryl Paul. I find myself comforted by the validation that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I’ve also taken a marriage class that uses the Myers-Briggs personality inventory with my fiancee which is really helpful in understanding how we approach things. Knowing what our personality differences (and similarities) are help us to communicate about them.
Got a lot out of the RCC pre-cana program.
The Conscious Brides Marriage Planner is a great book to plan your wedding and do DIY marriage prep. FI and I spent a weekend answering questions from there on index cards and discussing our answers. We checked the book out from the library. The website the author organized is another great resource: consciousweddings.com or .org?
Neither of us are Catholic and we were accepted to do a Engaged Encounter marriage prep retreat weekend as a “non-denominational” couple. We did that in Feb (11 months before our wedding) and it was sweet and beneficial.
I put the questions we discussed at the top of my knot bio for people that don’t have access to marriage prep and don’t know where to go.
I agree with you 100% that people do not always put enough focus into this part of building a marriage during the engagement. Marriage prep was something FI knew I felt strongly about before we became engaged. It doesn’t mean you have “problems”, it is simply a good space to better understand each others intentions on a variety of subjects.
I read the book Altared by Colleen Curran and some of the essays really do remind you and give out that necessary wake up call that a wedding is one day while a marriage is a lifetime
I’m currently reading a book called “What No One Tells the Bride” that I’m finding really interesting. It deals with issues such as the anxiety that many newly-engaged women feel as they ponder married life. It’s been an easy read an dhas really validated a lot of the feelings I’ve had since becoming engaged. It’s a strange period. I never thought I could feel so happy, excited, scared and anxious all at once. But, this book helps me understand that these feelings are things most brides-to-be go through!
I thought Gottman’s book was great. It was a gift from the counselor who led our premarital workshop class, and I like to pick it up every now and then and refresh my memory. Our class was based on Gottman’s principles [we're lucky to be so near the University of Washington, so there are a lot of people in the area that studied/worked under him]. One of the most important things I carried from it was to learn the difference between disagreements that can be worked through and differences of opinions that will not change [religion for us]. It was good for me to read that lots of couples don’t agree on everything, but still have loving marriages.
Since my husband-apparent and I both have a failed marriage under our belts, we’re being very vigilant to resolve issues before they become problems. We’ve decided that we’re going to see a couples’ counselor for a reality check to make sure we’re on the right track. (We think we are, but it doesn’t hurt to check your work and seek advice.) Two books that I’ve read that I’ve found helpful are: “What to Do Before I Do: the modern couple’s guide to marriage, money, and prenups” by Nihara Choudhri and “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman. Chapman’s book is technically a Christian book, (and we’re not) but the core concepts transcend religion, and the Christian references are not pervasive.
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I have to second “The Conscious Bride” and “What Noone Tells the Bride”. Both are really good, but I’ll definitely check out the other ones everyone recommended. Great thread idea!!!
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Mrs. Tomato, Napa Valley
Age and Occupation: 25, Technology Project Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Engineer
Engagement Date: October 22, 2006
Wedding Date: July 1, 2007
Blogging Since: May 1, 2006
Venue: Auberge du Soleil
About Me: I love all things beautiful. From handmade stationery, feminine fashion and delicate flowers to the little moments in your life treasured with your loved one. I am also notorious among my friends to be a deal hunter! My best deal was perhaps my Monique Lhuillier dress for $1100 (orig. $5000). I also tend to use a lot of exclamation marks! =)
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