Dear Boobs,
It’s time that the nine of us had a talk. For some time now, I’ve been doing my utmost to find dresses that will fit, flatter, and contain you. At first, it didn’t seem like it would be such a daunting task. I mean, yes, you are all very healthy and well-grown. I knew it would take a special kind of fabric, with a certain amount of tensility, to give you the support you need.
But this is getting ridiculous. OK, OK, I admit it. Plan S (strapless) was ill-concieved. I should have known better, considering the things I’ve seen you guys do to tube tops. And that whole keyhole back-lash thing I went through in retaliation…well, I apologize for that. It’s just that, I’ve seen what happens to you with a little exposure. People get distracted. Vases get knocked over. Red lights go ignored.
Anyway, I have a counter offer which I hope you’ll find acceptable. It’s a halter dress from Lynn Lugo:
Here it is with a flower pin — isn’t that a nice, cleavage enhancing touch? OK, fine, you got me. Cleavage camouflaging. Look, it’s not you who’s supposed to be in the spotlight come April 19. You better start sitting up and paying attention to who’s in charge here. Or so help me god we’ll go back to the babydoll tank dress, the one C. said would go really great with oversized lollipops.
I’m glad we had this talk. See you at the fitting.
Halters are definitely the way to go!
Hilarious!
maybe this is a dumb question…why are there only 9 boobs in question? does someone only have one? or really uneven ones?
Miss Lovebug I feel your pain. All of my girls have large “girls”. I am going to look like a 12 year old standing next to all of them. We also found v-necks to be the best solution. Good find (and good luck)!
Ohhh Jen, you have me in tears! 
I loved this post, it was fantastic. Bravo Miss Lovebug!
At least my attendants have their chests under control, to make up for the fact that their skin tones completely fail to match. How dare they?
yeah, i want to know why there are 9 boobs too…8 sets and a uniboob?
Halters are good but this one concerns me. BELIEVE me I know my MOH has well “D’s” Ack. And when we tried a style like this it was well boobie city. All that really controlled them was a much lower cut V halter like this. OR a very flat and high cut straight across w/ straps. Although perhaps their boobies are more controllable C’s.
=)
I’m thinking the nine participants in this conversation are the eight boobs and Miss LoveBug?
As a gal with DDs — trust me, I’m never trying to upstage anyone with mine. I’m trying to find a dress where the seam doesn’t cut across the lower 1/3 of my boobs. Or where they aren’t flattened and look horrendously misshapen. Or where I’m not overflowing. Or, or, or.
I don’t know what your exact issue is — maybe your girls are trying to upstage you with *their* girls — but please show some sensitivity to the fact that DDs are next to *impossible* to fit in a dress, esp if you’re small everywhere else.
This is the best weddingbee post in a month!
Ah, the mysteries of dressing, supporting, and flattering (tho I prayed for flattening) the big boobage (and corresponding big booties) was a mystery I left up to my maids to figure out. I tell ya, there’s no pleasing everyone and I was clueless about the amount of Lycra it would require. A tip from me to you — a good cover for our actual motivation is a demure preference for “church boobs.”
“The 9 of us should have a talk” thing kinda threw me off. For a second I was like, one of her bridesmaids has either 3 boobs or a uni! But then I was like duh… Miss Lovebug + 8 boobs. 
Seriously? You worried about flattening your ‘maids’ bustline and booty? Why do you care? Why do you want them to look smaller than they are? That’s messed up. Flattering is one thing, but you said you prayed for flattening.
Not cool.
The only problem with halter (dresses and tops), is finding an appropriate (read: supportive, comfortable, something that fits) bra. If you have BMs with D’s or DD+’s … could be an issue.
As a D-cup gal myself, I have to say that I find V-necks with 1″ wide straps (or somewhere around there) more flattering than halters. Halters always leave me feeling like I’m pushing the girls together too much, and exposing my back more than I’d like to. But that’s just me! Good luck, and thanks for the laugh!
OHHHHH ok i get it now. thanks for clearing that up for me, everyone. good thing i wasn’t a math major…
lucky for me all of my BMs are boobless and i’m the one with the ladies.
Jumping in here again … I totally agree with Brooke. I second the V-neck recommendation — a wide V-neck is super-flattering. I’m a D/DD cupper myself and I really have trouble with halters. Super cleavage-y and the halter itself often ends up really pulling on my neck.
P.s. Do their dresses *have* to match? What about picking a designer, and letting each girl choose the dress style which she feels most comfortable in? I did that for my bridesmaids at Aria (www.ariadress.com), and they love it. They each picked a different style and are very happy with it.
I agree with Ellen, I’m a short DDer, and halters reaaally make my neck hurt, as well as the straps for the halter bra, too. I tend to slouch when wearing a halter. Totally agree with the v-neck- wide enough to cover straps of course!
Short DDers unite! ;o) I’m super-slouchy when I wear a halter. I made an ill-advised halter dress purchase earlier this spring — my FI loves it on me and always wants me to wear it, but it drives me CRAZY! Plus, I insist on always wearing it with a cardigan or a jacket because I don’t have a supportive halter type bra, so I just wear a regular bra and cover up my arms so the straps don’t show.
Hey, short DD-ers — have you found a killer dress this spring? I’m desperately looking for one for my rehearsal dinner. I must have tried on 30 last Saturday, and I didn’t find anything amazing. Looking for something springy that supports the bust without being too cleavage-y, shows off my tiny waist, maybe with a fun full skirt. Any ideas?
Thanks so much for the flower pin camoflauge idea–I hadn’t thought of that! I might find one in the same color as the dress (black) so I don’t end up just drawing people’s eyes to her chest, which would kind of defeat the purpose.
Tess, not to worry. It’s alliteration.
Re: dresses for short DDers this spring … I’ve only really found super-casual, almost sundress type stuff. 
I’m totally on the lookout for something dressier for our engagement party this June.
This cotton one from Old Navy (!) has been my go-to dress for casual weekend wear: http://www.oldnavy.com/browse/product.do?cid=15292&pid=464201. I wear it with a nice cardigan and heels to dress it up a bit, or just with a denim jacket when I’m running aroud. I have it in black, but seriously considering picking it up in red too. $36.50?? Ridic! Who can beat that price.
Thanks! I have a lot of luck with wrap dresses and a camisole. There’s a cute DVF dress out for summer at Saks:
And I’m in love with this from MaxStudio, though it’s casual too… SO COMFY.
gemini - did you actually read the post?
Go Amie — yes, I read it. What’s your point?
For D & DD girls, I would really recommend the Sophia dress from J. Crew. It’s got great front coverage and wide straps. Also, they have a chiffon version of it for only $165. Check it out!
http://www.jcrew.com/catalog/product.jhtml?id=prod78054371&catId=cat190124
lmao!!! GREAT post Ms. Lovebug…it reminded me so much of all the Open Letter , to random things, on the McSweeny’s website!!
gemini - just that you seem to have totally missed the point (and the tone) of the post. Miss Lovebug is trying to find something that will work, not insulting larger-breasted women. She is obviously being sensitive to the issues, and nowhere did she imply that she thought her bridesmaids were trying to upstage her. She merely pointed out that large breasts are noticed more than small ones, and it can be hard to find dresses that fit and flatter women with larger cup sizes. And she did it in a funny way. So why are you accusing her of having issues?
“isn’t that a nice, cleavage enhancing touch? OK, fine, you got me. Cleavage camouflaging. Look, it’s not you who’s supposed to be in the spotlight come April 19. ”
That sounds like she’s worried about upstaging to me…
What to do with *the girls* can be a sensitive issue for chicas of all sizes…
I just went through this recently as a bridesmaid, and while in theory some sort of suplice/V-neck should theoretically have been the most flattering (like your dress picture, Miss Lovebug)–the problem was how variable those styles can be and finding one to fit all. We ended up going with a straight-across neckline… it may not have been the most flattering for each, but it was flattering on all.
Loved the post! Clearly, a topic many find important…
It’s humor people…let’s not get our panties in a bunch.
Anyway, as another short DDer, I want to add that I had to weat a halter in a wedding last spring, and not only did it hoist the girls up to my neck in a nearly obscene display, the strap around my neck simply was not comfortable, and since the seam that was supposed to be below my bust was actually somewhere around nipple level, it was just plain unflattering. Let’s not even go into the constant fear that the one little hook at the back of my neck might suddenly give out under the stress…
I will recommend, however, wearing a convertable bra to anyone with a larger chest who has to wear a halter. Takes a little of the pressure off.
And for large chested girls…I recommend something v-necked with straps large enough to cover a normal bra. Or a strapless with corset-like construction. I actually like wearing strapless dresses as long as they are made properly (think steel trusses).
“No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense humor.” — Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
Thanks to everyone with a well organized mind.
in my earlier post, I meant to say Higher V cut , vs. lower one , like the one pictured=)
As a girl of the larger boobed variety, I’m not too hopeful of round three’s option. If your BM’s boobs are anything like mine, sticking a flower in the middle will just squish it from either side or levitate bizarrely in front of your chest. You want to detract, not focus, attention!
I agree wholeheartedly with halter-bra comments. Mine get really heavy after a long day. 1inch straps, empire line under bust, midriff band and waist seam and then any skirt you care to add on. Watters do a good range for image reference. I’m thinking somewhere along these lines:
http://www.watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=605
or
http://www.watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=605&style=9572
Goodluck with the boobies and thanks for the cute post x
I love that you’re concerned! One of my BMs has larger girls and I feel her pain b/c I do too. But, for my friend’s wedding (color me the MOH), she doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve already had 2 “try-ons” of a halter that clearly I can’t wear…and there are more to come. She’s waiting for the other girls to hem their dresses for extra material .
I hope your BMs’ girls can fit, but I know I can’t wear a halter. I found one bra that could be a halter for my– let’s just say I didn’t know the size was real until the woman in the store came back with it, boobs. It doesn’t really fit, but whatever because I can’t carry all that weight on my neck all night and I was already told I can’t cross it, or change it to regular straps.
So, I don’t actually know what the current plan is besides adding extra material that still won’t cover a bra. And, despite several attempts to garner enough concern to get her to change the dress– at least for the MOH since I’m the only one that has a problem– apparently, I’m still going to have to try to make it work.
Can’t people just pick a nice dress I can hide my giant, ugly, looks like what my great-grandma used to wear, but I can’t find anything pretty in my size bra?!
I, personally, love the dress. As someone who spent 2 weeks trying on every dress at Nordstroms, however, I have to state that it might be a little too low cut and small for anyone with serious boobage. I know that my D’s would NOT stay in that little pocket and would be spilling out all over. Maybe you are fine with some cleavage at my wedding (I would be okay with it which is good because I don’t have a choice — my bridesmaids like to flaunt what they have), but just fair warning. I love halter dresses but you do have to be careful to make sure that they are supportive enough and this one looks like it might not be…
I’m a DD and none of the strapless wedding gowns I tried on worked. Halter is definitely the way to go.
i think i met lynn lugo last year. i love her dresses!
Dear Miss Lovebug,
I think the dress will look lovely on all of us. and I am looking forward to the fitting. Of course, speaking of boobies, Ned and Nancy will look the best!
Lovebug’s oldest BM! You slay me. I love you. Hopefully, the sex hobbits and Baby K will be as enthusiastic…
Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson
Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant
Engagement Date: February 18, 2007
Wedding Date: April 19, 2008
Venue: Historic Inn
About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?
lol, great post. funny timing since i was just remarking at the hilarity involved with the word “boobies” this morning on my walk to the office. yes, sometimes i really am 6 years old.