Wedding Blog

Suzi - Maybe if you talk to your dad about how much the father daughter dance means to you, break out the tears as necessary… He should come around and realize how inportant that is to you. Start there before you give him the ultimatum. Also, you may want to rethink the ultimatum if he is funding the wedding?

Amy - If you exclude your ‘very close friend’ than that will be your passive aggressive way of ending the friendship. If you are concerned that she will not contribute enough, tell her that you are considering her as a bridesmaid, but you expect your bridesmaids to a, b, & c, and ask her if shes up to the challenge. If she says yes, than you owe it to the friendship. If she says no than your off the hook. If you exclude her without an explanation, you are looking for more trouble than an untaskworthy bridesmaid…

Amy - this is just my opinion, but i think it’s in bad taste to ask someone to be a bridesmaid bc you think they will be a workhorse, rather than someone who is dear to you and will support you in other ways. You have a busy life and work long hours - would it not hurt you if your close friend disregarded you because of that?

I agree with zoegal. The girls I’m considering to be my bridesmaids don’t even live in the same area as me, but I wouldn’t exclude them because they wouldn’t be able to put them to “work” during my planning. But I suppose people’s definitons of “bridesmaid worthiness” vary across the board.

Suzi, I don’t know your dad or his reasons, but I’d envision the conversation going something like, “Hey Dad, you know how I feel about brides being walked down the aisle by their dads/given away, but I know it really means a lot to you. Can we make a deal that if I allow you this, you give me the gift of a father-daughter dance? [insert yadda yadda about how much it means to you.]”

Amy, I agree with Kar, zoegal and the others. On the flip side, also consider that if you pick someone because they’ll do the work, and the friendship there isn’t as strong as you think it is, are you really sure they’ll come through the way you want them too?

Hi I am the “Amy” that posed the original question. Just to clarify so a) I don’t sound like some heartless/slave driving bride and b) to get more appropriate feedback: The close friend that I do not want to ask is a very close friend indeed, however, the person that I DO want to ask is also a close friend (maybe just not AS close). Basically, the feedback that I have gotten within my circle of friends have leaned toward the “you’re going to affect the friendship” tone. However, I do not think picking bridesmaids should be a ranking of friendships. I want to pick Person B because she is a close friend and also bring some “intangibles” to the table such as event management, street smarts, good opinions, etc. I do not expect any of my bridesmaids to slave over my wedding (nor will they).

Thanks to the wedding bee community for their opinions!

Amy - Could you add one more bridesmaid and not hurt anyones feelings? That’s what I ended up doing…actually, I made one who was a little leary of standing in front of the crowd my personal assistant (which in my mind is the same thing, minus standing at the alter…) if you choose not to ask this friend, then maybe have some other role in mind for her right away, along with a reasonable explanation…

Suzi- What about doing the mother/son dance and father/daughter dance at the same time, there are plenty of songs out there that encompass both the role of father and mother, and perhaps your dad would feel better about it if it wasn’t an “all eyes on me” kind of moment…

Suzi, I would ask him why he refuses to do the dance. There’s no telling why he feels that way.

Amy, I think that asking someone to be a part of the bridal party “because she’d be better at it” is the wrong attitude. You could do serious damage to your friendship that way.

Amy — I think, no matter if you personally view the bridesmaid-picking process as not involving ranking of friendships, people will view it as such. The general assumption is that a girl picks those she feels closest with, which is where you might run into a sticky situation if that view is held by Persons A and B.

As for me, I asked all of my closest friends to be in the wedding party, because it was the happiest day of my life and it meant so much to me that those dear friends would be standing up there next to me; half of them live far away and weren’t half as involved as the others, simply due to the distance. I think, had I not asked the friends that really were the closest, I would have regretted it later. And as one of the pp said, people who you know would be good helpers will still be good helpers even if they are not a bridesmaid. We had plenty of friends pitch in who were guests at our wedding — just be sure to get them a gift! Good luck!

I agree w/ Miss Popcorn and also with Manda.

Amy: I agree w/ the suggestion above that if the father-daughter dance is just you and your dad for 30 seconds and then the DJ invites all the other fathers & daughters onto the floor, or the rest of the family, or the rest of the bridal party (etc), then it won’t be all eyes on you. For our wedding, we had the father-daughter dance but it was completely unannounced. There were family balancing issues that would have made it awkward to put the spotlight on my family and not on his, so instead, my dad and I just had the dance on our own. It was just as special. The photographer got beautiful photos. My dad and I discussed it in advance, so we just picked a time when things were slow, or a good song was playing — really took all the pressure off. So don’t feel pressured to have the added stress of a spotlight and big announcement, if that’s what makes your father nervous. Just an idea, in case it works for you, too.

Amy - the reason that I was concerned for your friendship is the fact that your close friend ‘expects’ to be in the wedding party… You should have a heart to heart with her, and feel her out. She may not want to be a BM afterall, and may be relieved that you have other plans. I also like TSs’ idea about including her in a smaller role like a reading, that could be a great way out.

You should definitely talk to her before you make any decisions. the more open and up front you are about it the better this situation will be. If you tell her when it’s too late, the potential for drama increases… Knowing how stressful the whole planning process is, I couldn’t imagine dealing with hurt feelings on top of everything else

best of luck to you - I’m sure that it will all work out.

Suzi>>

Your father will be stared at just as much if he walkes you down the aisle, as if he would dance with you. Therefor his reason for wanting to do one thing but not the other is just stupid.

I think the best way to handle this is the let everybody get away with NOt having to do want they do not want to. Therefor, he shouldnt have to dance, and you should not have to “suck it up” and be walked down the aisle.

You should YOU compromise if he wont?? Thats just absurd! Even if hes footing the bill.

Amy - I know it sounds unlikely right now, but it’s possible you’re overestimating the amount of time you’ll actually need to plan a beautiful wedding. On the other hand, if you really feel your work schedule will not allow you personally to put in the amount of time you’ll need, why not bump the date back a few months? That way you can invite the people who mean the most to you to be your attendants, rather than basing your selection on the amount of work they can do for you. I’ve had some dreadfully long work weeks during this planning period, and done quite a bit of work-related travel, but with 14 months to plan and organize, I’ve never had trouble finding time to finish a project. Two of my three attendants are in other time zones, and in light of that I thought it’d be unfair to saddle the third with a bunch of tasks, so my fiance and I have done all the planning and DIY with just the two of us. It’s been fine.

Thanks for all the comments. I guess at the end of the day - I feel like this is my wedding and I’m footing the bill so why should I have to compromise something I feel very strongly about. And to echo some of the comments: If a close friend ends up not being a close friend based soley on the fact that she wasn’t invited to be in the wedding party, then she probably wasn’t worthy of a close friendship anyway. Thanks for the wedding coordinator/planner suggestions - I have looked into this but I am getting married in Manhattan - finding a good wedding planner on a tight budget is not easy!

i had a childhood best friend and we grew up calling each other MOH. i know. we started early. in any case, fast forward 15 years later and though we had grown apart, we still had the familiarity and bond only shared in close childhood friendships. she called me on the day she got engaged and i went to see her and her fiance; but she never asked me to be her bm. i didn’t really EXPECT to be her bm (and definitely not her MOH) but it did feel a little weird. at her shower and at the wedding, i felt as though her family and friends -the bm’s- (most of whom i know) were trying their best to be warm and include me…kind of being soft in case i was hurt. and some of our mutual friends even whispered over to me “why aren’t you in the wedding…? how do you feel…”

she did call me once to ask if i would be available to fill in for bm whose father was ill…but never heard again about it after. and she did also tell me after the wedding that she regretted not having me be a part of her party. i think she felt some regret in not having included me but i don’t blame her at all for it. like you, AMY, i think in her mind, she felt i couldn’t contribute as much as her other bm’s could. but the bottom line was…we just weren’t as close anymore.

i think you should include your close friend. if she’s just one person in a bridal party of 3, 5, or 7, it means the other bm’s will step up to the plate or she will follow suit and shock you with her contribution. if she’s that close to you, she’ll want to support you. even if she doesn’t end up tying 1000 ribbons, she’ll be there for you in many other ways.

just something to consider.

Amy: I agree w/ Sarah’s comments above. BM is for those who are closest to you, not the best worker bees. Even the best intended worker bee-oriented BMs might have their own things to work on (grad school, babies, jobs, families, hobbies, etc.) and your wedding will be a lower priority to them than it is to you, and it’s no fun to feel disappointed. But, on the plus side, there are undoubtedly other worker bees in your life that are not BM candidates (guys, neighbors, older female relatives, someone recently married into the family who wants to get to know you better, etc.) who will enjoy lending a hand here and there, and that helps a lot. Please go with your heart for BMs.