Weddingbee Blog

Actually, far fewer than half of all marriages end in divorce - it is actually closer to 25%. A good explanation of where this myth came from is here: http://manolobrides.com/2007/05/29/the-good-news/

I hear ‘ya….growing up, my family and relatives put the “FUN” in dysFUNctional so I sometimes worry about having a successful marriage too. Oddly enough, I think one of the keys to dispelling these worries is knowing yourself well enough to know if you’ve got the real thing with your FI. Let me explain. I see a lot of couples get married to the wrong person and for the wrong reasons (I was almost one of them). A lot of couples marry to fill a void (ie. to feel needed, security, false intimacy, companionship, etc.), they compromise (either consciously or subconsciously) for a quick fix and when that void is not filled, they are disappointed in the end. Cheesy as it sounds, I believe that the better you know yourself, the better your chances of a successful marriage. When you know your identity, your values, and your heart, you will mostly likely see marriage as a complement to your life and not a fix. Extra bonus, when you know yourself, you also know what you want in a guy and have more realistic expectations on marriage……sorry, not a very thorough explanation. Like I mentioned, I almost made the same mistake until I realized that I was compromising myself. Good luck and remember, just because you are pre-disposed to a rocky marriage doesn’t mean that you’ll have one.

My parents seperated three years ago (they are not divorced, they don’t know if they will or if they will get back together or at least move closer together, my mom decided to move a state away in the begining) They are still pretty close, but right before the seperation they fought all the time. However in the very begining my parents were that perfect lovey dovey couple. I got to see the great, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I think I learned more from the end, I now see where I need to bend and where I need to stand firm in my own relationship, I have learned how to make things work and how to avoid devastating conflicts. As said before, the good news is you are going in with your eyes open and with a lot of experience to learn from. You don’t have to make the same mistakes to learn from them, you can learn from those around you. If you really want the experience of knowing happy couples then look around you and find people that have relationships like what you want to have and try to learn from those as well. Its good to worry, it means you are aware of the surrounding situations and you are more likely to fix mistakes before they become to big. And as said before divorce rates are actually getting lower and lower, which I think shows that our generation is learning from our parents mistakes. Good Luck with everything!!!

I hear ya! My parents separated when I was only 16 months old. They waited until I was about 5 to get officially divorced, but I think that was mainly because they had no money for lawyers. My father divorced his second wife about 5 years ago too, and both my uncles, my older sister, and my grandparents are divorced. It does make me a little uneasy, especially since my FI’s parents have been married for like 40 years and out of his 5 siblings, only one has been divorced.

But — one thing I try to keep in mind (and I don’t know if this necessarily applies to you or not) is that most of the divorces in family were related to the fact that most of them got married too young, or they got married for the wrong reasons (i.e. for security, because of pregnancy, to get away from their parents, etc.) Also, I suspect that economics and education played into it since my family is very working class and no one has beyond a high school education. Financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce, so just make sure that you don’t let yourselves get into the position someday where you have to argue about money all the time. I’ve seen it kill marriages.

I think as long as you are getting married for the right reasons, and you and your FI have really thought everything through then you will have great chances at a successful marriage. Honestly, there is never any guarantee that you won’t get divorced, but you just have to have faith and do everything in your power to make it work.

I hear where you are coming from, marriage is scary and hard sometimes and without good role models on what to do when it is scary and hard, you are left to your own devices. My parents divorced before I was 2 and I don’t really know my dad. Most of my friends parents are divorced and I’m actually a divorce attorney so I see it every day. The upshot on all of this is, I think seeing other people’s mistakes has been really helpful. I can see where problems might come up and I try to take active steps to prevent those same issues. I know it sounds crazy, but i feel like all the disfunction around me has actually led to a stronger relationship with my fiancee.

Yes, I am nervous about marriage, it is hard work. But I am not nervous about my fiancee- I know he is a considerate, respectful, wonderful man who takes marriage just as seriously as I do and that gives me faith that we will be able to weather the storms that are sure to come. I think sometimes when you get a little nervous from all the messed up marriages around you, you need to step back and examine your relationship with your fiancee. Notice how different you two are than some other relationships that you know, how it is that you resolve disputes, and note the wonderful and unique things about your relationship that gives it strength. I think it is a good sign to be nervous about a long lasting marriage. It shows that you have opened your eyes to the fact that marriage isn’t always easy or fun and that knowledge will give you strength to make smart decisions when the inevitable hard times hit.

My parents are still married after 45 years, and for the most part they have bickered the entire time, sometimes with real contempt; they stay together out of tradition, really, and habit: they have been together now for most of their lives–who else has been with them so long? Yet I think really they tolerate each other at best. I never wanted anything like that, and even swore throughout my 20s that I would never get married.

What gave me hope was seeing my friends who are married. I am old enough (37) that most of my friends have been married for a decade or more, have children, have been through all kinds of life changes, and are still going strong. They are respectful of each other, even in disagreement, they talk things through, and they all still seem to genuinely love their spouses. Not one of my friends has gotten divorced.

I think the fact that you’re scared and thinking hard about it is a good thing. So many people get married because it’s the thing to do: if you’ve given real thought to who you are and who your fiance is, and what you need and want from each other, you’ve got a real chance. From my own dating experience, compared to my fiance now, I’d say one important key is that you’re able to forgive each other for being yourselves, because people don’t change that much. If you’re getting genuinely angry at him for not cleaning the bathroom now, in ten or fifteen years that’s going to be a deep abiding bitterness. But if you roll your eyes and laugh and *truly* let it go–you’re doing all right.

Several months ago one of the Bees (sorry, can’t remember who!) posted about a book by John Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” I read it and loved it — it was really helpful in pointing out some of the worst things you can do to make your marriage fall apart as well as some of the best things you can do to keep it going strong.

I have no idea how my own marriage will work out in the long term, but a lot of the things that make marriages happier and stronger are not innate traits — they’re learned skills. Even if you’re a terrible communicator, for example, you can learn to become a better one.

It seems really positive to me that there are things we can do to strengthen our relationships and make them more likely to last long-term.

Ladies, I am a divourced mom after being married for 23 years. The last few were filled with arguing. Ask yourself this, “Can I live with the habits, traits, and behaviors of my fiancee for the rest of my life? Or do I think some things may change. Think with your head, watch with your eyes, and then decide this. My husband and I are friends and will stay that way because I don’t have to live with the habits that I couldn’t tolerate. Those habits were there when I married him, I thought they would change. That is not a fair expectation.