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Open Question About: Do you have a question for the Weddingbee community? Please email us at ask@weddingbee.com with your question!
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Open Question: MOB Roles

June 5th, 2007 @ 1:29 pm by Open Question

Hi,

My sister and I got married a few months apart but had very different weddings. I got married in a hotel ballroom in New York while she got married in Asia. I planned my whole wedding while she had to rely on others for advice and planning. Recently, she confided in me that she was unhappy with our mother’s lack of interest and participation through her wedding process and on her wedding day. My experience was different because I had complete control of my wedding and I delegated tasks to everyone in the wedding party. My sister, however, felt like she needed guidance because she wasn’t familiar with wedding traditions in Asia and our mother simply did not step up to help her even after she asked.

A good friend of mine got married last year and I noticed that her mother stayed behind the scenes. What are the duties or what kind of expectations do brides have of their mothers? How involved were your mothers? I usually hear stories of brides complaining about their mothers or their in laws getting too involved and not the other way around.

A

13 Responses to “Open Question: MOB Roles”

1.
sally says:

It just depends on each family. Some people dont want help from mom and others want tons.

6/5/07 at 1:31 pm (reply)
2.
h says:

My mom was very involved in my wedding - she’s a calligrapher and has an interior design degree, and she creates/makes wedding invitations - so she’s very knowledgeable about wedding trends - she has MS Wedding magazines back to the first one.

She did a lot of the decorating details, and all the paper projects (invites, signs, programs, etc.) among a lot of other things! Couldn’t have done it without her.

6/5/07 at 1:41 pm (reply)
3.
Lisa says:

My fiance’s mother died when he was in high-school, so I am without a MIL completely. That being said, his father remarried last year, and the woman is 1 of 4 hosting my shower in two weeks. She has remained on the sidelines, and has not offered to help in any way–which I am ok with.

MY MOTHER, on the other hand has been 100% supportive and has never, ever, not even once, inserted her opinion if I didn’t ask for it. I am so lucky to have a Mom who is thoughtful, kind, generous, and willing to let me figure this out on my own. Her method of child rearing was almost 95% independence… and I love her everyday for it.

6/5/07 at 1:41 pm (reply)
4.
Iris says:

Also depends who’s paying. I was glad my mom took over the things she was paying for and I didn’t have to worry about them. When she overstepped, she un-did her mistakes (e.g., she had to un-invite a stray aunt she casually invited to the rehearsal dinner without checking if we could add to the guest list).

Also, I can’t tell if your family is Asian, or your sister was marrying into an Asian family, or no one’s Asian but it was a destination wedding in Asia? My mom wisely steered clear of getting involved in any of the aspects of our wedding that were foreign to her personally (religious denomination, military traditions, intercultural traditions).

6/5/07 at 1:46 pm (reply)
5.
Amnesia says:

I think it depends on family dynamics and distance and a whole host of factors — I live in a different city & state from my mom, and I think that fact, along with the mixed emotions my mom has about my wedding, has meant she’s not been very involved (which is in part because of distance and part because of her choice). It’s been hard.

My parents are divorced and my dad remarried, so that creates some emotional issues surrounding the wedding– and my mom’s stress level makes her more sensitive to other issues related to wedding planning. She has become a bit testy over anything that might seem strange or foreign to her (some of which my fiance and I just take for granted as part of urban living) and that includes things that are cultural references to my fiance’s heritage within the wedding as well as just our normal food and event choices for wedding week events. My mom’s lack of interest and/or discomfort in participating makes me feel, at times, a lack of acceptance of us or of our lifestyle choices, and I have struggled with that.

6/5/07 at 1:48 pm (reply)
6.
loveletter says:

My mom was really involved because we were having the wedding in my hometown (where my parents live) while my husband and I lived in a city a couple of hours away.

She went to most of the appointments with me when my husband couldn’t go (he was working weekends at the time) and she is so crafty so she did all of our bouquets, flower arrangements and pew decorations. She was very helpful and didn’t get in the way. I was really grateful to have her.

Looking back, I wish I could have included my mother-in-law more, but there really wasn’t a whole lot for her to do.

I think it depends a lot on location and what kind of personality your mom has — I think if my mom was a really pushy, bossy type of lady, I might not have asked for her help so much.

6/5/07 at 1:54 pm (reply)
7.
Aliya says:

Amnesia, when I read your comment I had to do a double-take, since you’re describing my situation almost exactly. My mom’s lack of involvement has been compounded by the fact that my in-laws are paying for everything, so she feels like it’s “their show.” Wedding planning has made me realize who my mother really is and isn’t, and while it’s hard at times it’s also been a good eye-opener.

6/5/07 at 2:36 pm (reply)
8.
MJW says:

My Mom was the biggest help of all when I was planning my wedding. Like loveletter, my Mom lives in the town where we were married while my husband and I live in a different state. Plus, my Mom is so crafty, especially with stamp art and sewing and she added some of the most amazing personal and artistic touches to our wedding. More importantly though, she was there to listen as I agonized over every choice and supported me no matter what. I talked to her at least 3 times a day during all the wedding planning and she was the only one who I could talk to for hours about various wedding related things. That was something my fiance and friends just didn’t have the interest or time for. In the end, it didn’t matter how much she contributed financially or physically, but it was her support, interest, and time spent listening and listening that proved to be most invaluable.

6/5/07 at 4:14 pm (reply)
9.
suzi says:

My mom definitely takes a back seat when it comes to planning our wedding. While she’ll make vendor calls to set up contracts (she’s footing the bill) or even make the initial phone call, she doesn’t like getting heavily involved. So I do most of the planning (She calls it “our day”, he calls it “my day”) and she writes the checks.

6/5/07 at 4:51 pm (reply)
10.
Nopinkertons says:

I have the advantage of having gone through my brother’s wedding, where my mother said to me, “I wish they would tell me what they are doing/what they need/which of my friends are coming, but I don’t want to ask, because I don’t want to be an interfering mother-in-law” and my brother said to me (after the wedding) “Our parents didn’t care at all–they just offered us some money and didn’t give us any help.” A huge–and very sad–misunderstanding that still lingers.

With my wedding, again, my mother has asked me very little (she’s been a little more curious, since she’s the mother, not the mother-in-law), so I know I will have to ask and ask. I think she would like to help but doesn’t want to interfere. In my case, I don’t really feel the need for help (she is far away, in any case, and so there’s a limit to what she can do), so I have so far barreled ahead without consulting her–and I think this makes her a little sad. I have to remind myself to include her.

6/5/07 at 5:08 pm (reply)
11.
BellaLivre says:

My mother-in-law seemed to be interested when we announced our engagement. But she stopped talking or giving advice when it became clear that I was not going to have the wedding of her dreams.

In fact, we canceled our original date with one of the main reasons being that we had comprimised on everything to please her.

I’m planning this over and she hasn’t spoken about the wedding since we told them that we were pushing the date back.

Has anyone else had problems with MIL’s being controling and then very distant?

6/5/07 at 11:35 pm (reply)
12.
ManicBride says:

Since this is the second wedding for both my husband-apparent and I, our families have been laid back and not controlling at all. Both sides even suggested that we elope. Husband-apparent and I are paying for our wedding, and we haven’t asked out families to assist financially. I wish our families were more involved though. I’d like their creative input.

6/6/07 at 9:07 am (reply)
13.
Cezanne says:

My mom was married over 20 years ago, so the thing I want for a wedding are completely foreign to her. My mom has a half and half involvement in the wedding. While she has come to most vendor appointments, cake, reception, picking out the dress, etc. I just wish she was their to help me the little things favors, invitations, etc.

6/6/07 at 11:28 am (reply)


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