Mrs. Hibiscus, Orange County
Age and Occupation in 06: 25, Eyebal Doc
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Commerical Underwriter
Engagement Date: September 26, 2004
Wedding Date: July 7, 2007
Venue: Laguna Beach on the beach, reception on a yacht in Newport Beach
About Me: I'm an eyeball doc. Normal is boring. I'm a hat person and a cat person. I'm in love (so very very in love). I'm a dreamer. I want to change the world. Superheroes are my friends. Kindness is contagious. Music is in my heart. Carpe diem.
Relocating For Love
June 7th, 2007 @ 6:33 pm by Mrs. Hibiscus
My fiance’s parents live in Northern California. My parents live in Southern California. I’ve lived in So Cal my entire life and I love it; traffic, smog and all. I’m a beach baby and I actually do make my way to the beach every chance I get. The problem is real estate prices. My fiance doesn’t want to live inland (without the lake he has back home) and that leaves us with looking at very overpriced condos. (We actually have a condo inland at the moment, but it was a temporary thing while I went to grad school.) I don’t really want to live in a condo when we start having kids, so that leaves us with pretty much nothing…living on the streets with our cats.
Another problem is there’s a billion eye doctors in So Cal… not much room for me. Sigh. So, after years of convincing on his part, I finally agreed to leave my precious southern California for his hometown. After my graduation 2 weeks ago, we piled all our belongings in the U-HAUL and drove up the 5 freeway to my new home. It hasn’t really hit me yet. I still feel like I’m on vacation….that soon we’ll pack up our suitcases and take a Southwest flight back to our little condo.
The bottom line is the move actually makes sense. We can get a house for the same price of our So Cal condo. We can afford a boat and the lake is only 15 minutes away. The job market is better for me up here and he got a great job with the State back in October. Even though it makes sense on paper, I can’t help but let my emotions drive me insane. I feel a little bitter towards the move even though I wasn’t forced into anything. I miss my friends and my family. My parents are thinking of moving up after they retire but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Everyone tells me that people don’t really hang out with their friends a lot once they have kids. That statement makes me feel worse.
I’m glad we’re close to his family now though. They’ve been throwing parties and having BBQs every couple of days to make the move easier. It still feels like vacation. I hope this bitterness goes away… the sooner the better. Where do you plan on living after you’re married? His hometown? Your hometown? The town you met in?
37 Responses to “Relocating For Love”
I’m a So Cal girl too! So is my fiance..well So cal GUY! Ha! But I hear ya on the house prices! We can only afford a condo now too! But we love this area so much, we won’t leave! It still so frustrating!
I wish I could say something to make you feel better! But your right that at least his parents are up their. I’m sure it will get easier with time as you make friends up there too!
Hopefully your friends/family in So cal will come visit often. Plus, when you DO have kids, they won’t want to stay away too long!
Hang in there! 
oh, don’t worry! if you want to keep in touch with friends, you will 
here is an example for you: we moved from Moscow (yep, that’s in Russia) to Chicago for business school 2 years ago. we are now moving to London for work. i’ve never talked/ e-mailed my friends as often before the move than i do now. and they are having kids and are still in touch! so i wouldn’t worry too much, you’ll be fine :))
Conveniently, we both relocated for work, me from the Midwest, and him from…Texas, I guess, although he was there for grad school. It’s only the paycheck that ties us to this area, so leaving it probably wouldn’t be at all emotional.
My dad, on the other hand, is moving out of Illinois for the first time in his life, at the age of 74, to a small house in SC. It’s almost entirely a financial decision–the cost of living in northern Illinois is getting stupid, as half the state is becoming a suburb of Chicago–and he and his wife are spending the time between the June 1 closing and the June 23 wedding driving around and saying goodbye to people and places they’ve known since birth. They’re both excited about the new little town they’re moving to, but it’s got to be difficult to leave so much behind.
wow your situation sounds similar to mine, although its ME thats from NorCal and he is from down here. He was born and raised in SoCal and can’t even imagine moving up north. I’m hoping that after we are married, I can get him to move up North. I really want to be around my parents when we start to have kids. My parents are just so much more dependable than his. I’m sure after you find a job and make some friends, you will end up loving norcal!
When I moved for school, I knew I was moving for four years because the school I chose was so far away from my hometown. And then it ended up being five and a half years. I remember when I first moved, crying all the time and wondering what I had gotten myself into and regretting the decision every minute of every day. After about a month I started to get used to it. By the end of my time there, I was so sad to leave and go back home! It takes awhile to adjust to big moves like this - don’t underestimate the role that emotions play in “logical” decisions like this.
I think the absolute best thing would be to just get out and try to meet new people and get to know your new surroundings. Find a local coffee shop you love and make it “your place,” or establish a new routine/ritual in your new hometown with your fiance like going to the same restaurant for brunch every Sunday or going for a walk around a new part of town once a week together. Once you do things like that, you’ll start to put down roots in your new home and it will become a special part of your relationship, something positive instead of negative.
Hope this helps. And totally, let yourself be sad for a bit even while you try to make new friends and get comfortable in your new place.
I’m so sorry you feel this way! I don’t have any advice, I just hope I won’t feel like this in the future, though I think I could adapt pretty well…I hope everything works out for you eventually! At least now you and Mr. Hisbiscus are together again! Good luck!
We’re moving to be closer to you Miss Hibiscus!!! (Seriously, we are moving to Sac though)
Back in the dating talks… we discussed the big “where do you want to live” debacle, and we both decided LA wasn’t the place we wanted to raise kids. Plus, we would both need to live on the westside… where condos are the only option… and neither of us ever wanted that.
So… we compromised… since he’d love to move to DC, and I’m a Cali girl. We’re moving and we’ll still be 4+ hours from my family, but we can buy a house (a killer house at that!), both have great jobs and still live in CA.
But seriously… we’re going to need to start a post-Bee club up there cause I won’t know a soul when I move (and I seriously need a good eye doc!)
I totally understand the bitterness part–neither of us are anywhere close to our families (they are in MI/IN), but we were living in Portland, OR, and I LOVED it. Then he got into law school and suddenly we are stuck in Sacramento. I really really like California and everything around Sacto, but to go from a fairly large city packed with amazing things around every corner to a smaller city that is very low on the up-and-coming pole(don’t get me wrong, there are things I love here too; it’s just not Portland or SF even…) was and is very difficult. I have had my share of breakdowns. Know that you aren’t alone!
The thing that keeps me going is that in another year he will be done with law school (yay!) and no move has to be permanent. We’ll find a place we both like. The thing that helps me the most is focusing on the things I actually do like about being here that I didn’t have up in the PacNW–like the fantastic wine tasting in Amador and Sonoma and Napa, and Point Reyes, and SF. And when I get overwhelmed with the things I don’t like about this place, I remind myself that I am here because of love, and really, that is enough to cheer me up.
(Sorry if that sounded sort of preachy, I have to talk myself into being positive about my current situation, and it can come across a little strong…)
Awww, i feel for you Miss Hibiscus!! I had lived my entire life in So Cal and after we got married we moved to my husbands hometown of Seattle!!! We have been living here for a bit now and it still feels like were are just on vacation and that we will head home. I still feel bitter about the move from time to time but I, like you, know that it’s a better life for us here. But let me tell you..i miss the So Cal weather and the beach so much.
Me and my fellow actually moved beforehand. We met online when I was living in northern Georgia and he was living in upstate New York. I moved to GA after college from the Minnesota/Wisconsin area. His family lives in Vermont and California. We decided that we’d both move to Savannah, GA, which is where we live now. It’s the first place we’ve lived where we’re in the same city and we both absolutely love it here.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, though! I agree with Laura S’s ideas, though, about getting into things to make it your own, like restaurants and little rituals. Find places that you love and you’ll start to love the rest of the place where you live.
Awww…thanks for the support Ladies! I have 2 friends here and they’re my fiance’s relatives. lol
Miss Lemon! Will you be my friend? lol I’m in Roseville. haha Then I’ll have 3 friends.
Aimee–Will you be my friend too? haha You can be friend number 4. The list keeps growing.
I’m seriously trying to be positive about it and I’m really outgoing and all but that makes it worse. People just keep saying, “you’re so friendly–you’ll make friends so easily” When is it ever easy to leave all that you know behind? BUT–again…..i think it will start to feel like home with kids…..but it doesn’t yet.
i’m only an hour and some change from you miss hibiscus! and my best friend lives in the sac area too. i could be your friend. lol.
i’ll be facing this big decision soon myself since i live in cali and my bf is in the midwest. who goes where has been a very touchy subject for us since i’m deathly attached to cali and since i moved so much growing up, i no longer excited with the prospect of moving out of state again [i did for college and then came right back]. i’m sometimes worried about him being bitter about moving, even if it was the right decision for us [the job market is better here than where he’s at, though he just recently started a business…and i’m at my dream job…so many factors :-|]
but take time to get the lay of the land a bit and you’ll start to get more comfortable. and the kids thing, i firmly believe its about the effort you put in. if you still make the effort to hang out with friends, they’ll happily reciprocate. good luck with everything
My future husband and I met through mutual friends when I was living in Nashville and he was living in coastal Georgia (just an hour south of you, Impatience!). Very long story short, I’m from southern Illinois, he’s moved all over the place but his parents and sister live in Savannah, and I lived here in Georgia for 3 1/2 years right after college. My company was willing to let me move from Nashville to Georgia and work from home (super awesome boss!) and since I had already lived here, had close friends here and could easily relocate and keep my job, I moved. There was really no question about it.
BUT… in Nashville I was three hours from my entire family, and my parents were less than thrilled to have me move 15 hours away. But they know that I’m happy and where I’m supposed to be, and hey, who doesn’t love having a reason to visit the beach?
But I know how you feel — it’s tough to relocate for any reason, especially when you don’t know the area and don’t have a circle of friends. At least you have your future husband and his family, though. That’s consolation, right?? It WILL get better.
I went/ am going through something similar in NY. The fiance is a country boy and I always wanted to live in the City.
But, when we decided to live together, and the fiance wasn’t into moving into my UES 1bdrm (why? I had a doorman for pete’s sake!), I agreed to move to Westchester. I did/ do miss the City and all my friends there. I have friends in Westchester, but it’s not the same.
Now, it’s time to ditch the condo and get a house, and we’ve wound up finding a place in CT (he insists he needs land- -to do what with, I have no idea, we work a lot). Yes, my family is from there, but my friends are all in NYC. It’s tough, but I’ve decided that he would be more miserable in a little NYC apartment than I will be in the giant house in CT. (What kind of person complains about their fiance wanting them to have a nice house? Me. I know, I’m horrible.)
You’ve got a boat though- that’s a draw for friends to come and visit on a long weekend! You’ll be fine; you just have to make it work with friends.
It’s funny you posted this today…I just finished moving into FI apt. this evening. I left my job in GA and am moving to SC to be with him after 2 years of Long distance dating. It’s intimidating moving somewhere where its “his friends” and there isn’t a job for me yet. All my family is on the west coast and what friends I had in SC all moved away after we finished grad school two years ago. I know it’ll probably take 3 or more (hard) months to adjust to the city and integrate our two households together. But–I’d rather be doing it now than right after the wedding!
oh, roseville. i see. yeah, housing options are much much better up there than so cal or san francisco even. good news is san francisco is only a 1.5 hour drive away. i think SF and so cal are very similar in many ways. so, come visit often and maybe you won’t miss so cal as much? i’ll be your friend too!
Yay! I wasn’t posting an ad for friends but apparently, I’m making them left and right. haha
Here’s my ad now I guess:
I don’t forget birthdays. I’m a good planner. I’m fun to be around and make people laugh. I like to debate though but I’m not stubborn. I’m understanding and give good advice. I love to play boardgames. I mean LOVE to play boardgames. hehe I tend to talk during movies though–my apologies in advance…..and I sometimes blurt out little things I didnt’ know were secrets….but if you tell me not to tell anyone…I really wont. Oh, and i like teasing people BUT i can take being teased. I’m a good sport. Okay, any more responses to my ad? lol hahaha
My fiance relocated from Seattle to NJ to be with me. He hates NJ but he still says it was the smartest thing he ever did. It’s not my home state and I was planning to escape to San Diego or HI before he came along, but next we are heading down the east coast, a couple hours closer to my parents’ house so he can enroll in a certain degree program. After that we will head out west someplace where we can both be content.
Hang in there girlie! Since FI and I have been together I have had to relocate a few times for him and his military career. We are currently living in beautiful Hawaii, I am originally from Seattle and he is from KC. Three days after the wedding we are having to relocate to our new home in Florida, I think it is exciting and will be a great step in creating our new life together in a new place! : )
well be living in SoCal after the wedding, since ill be finishing up grad school….
but after that… its either socal, norcal (near my parents) or israel (his parents). no idea. well get to that bridge when we have to, im not looking forward to those arguments (not between him and me, between our parents who BOTH want us close!)
We’ve gotten so much out of both moving to a new town. Making it together as newbies in NYC (sans families) has been infinitely bonding, and given us a “success” separate from our families. They come visit us and we are the hosts. It’s a completely different dynamic when we are in our hometown at our parents’ homes.
I’ll answer your ad, if you want a long distance friend!
I graduated in December and we moved to Fort Worth so FH could work for his dad, learning the company so he can eventually take it over one day. It makes plenty of sense, with me not having a job to keep me tied anywhere. So now we are here, in Fort Worth, and I still don’t have a job six months later (I’m not counting the part time bookstore work I do because I don’t plan on being there long enough to make any friends.)
The only people I know here are his family, all of whom are older and married. I think he gets annoyed with me always telling him to make plans with his sister, because she’s the closest in age to us. It’s so hard for me because I love FH and I love his family, but I miss my family so much, every single day. The last time we went home, I bawled the last night we were there because I’m so lonely here. 
Ps - home for me is Houston, about 4 hours away from where we live now. And that’s where all of my family is.
Hi Miss Hibiscus! I’ll be your friend too… I’m not as far North as you are; I’m in the Bay where housing is as expensive as in SoCal, which is why we’re in a little apartment for now.
You’re strong to make a move like that.. keep your head up!
i say there should be a norcal weddingbee get together…;-)
it’ll be hard at first, but soon you’ll settle in, get an amazing job, enjoy newlywed life and it’ll get a lot easier.
i lived in norcal for 4 years and while its def different from socal, it’s wonderful in its own way. i loved it up there. and i had to move to ny for mr. bee… but now i can’t see myself moving back.
When we both graduate, we’re both getting as far away from Oklahoma as we can afford, either in the direction of one coast or the other.
I know it feels like a million miles away, but it’s a short 45 min plane ride to get home! I’m from So Cal too, my fiance is from Chicago, and we now live in London. We still talk to our families just as often as we would otherwise (gotta love Skype!) and email with our friends from college all the time- the truth is, people scatter to the wind, and there was very little chance we would have actuallly settled in either of our hometowns given my job (archaeology). Good luck with getting settled, and enjoy getting to explore a NEW hometown!
We will be moving to his hometown, Philadelphia (where we are also getting married)… one of my absolutely least favorite cities, ever. I am totally dreading having to live there — the things we do for love, right? We live in D.C. now, and I LOVE it here and would like nothing more than to stay and do my post-doctoral research at the NIH, but he is set on moving back to Philly, and it is where he has matched for residency. We’ll be living apart for a few years after marriage while I finish up my Ph.D., so I’m hoping that being apart will make me miss him so much that I get over my hatred of Philadelphia.
It’s just that after being in DC for so long, Philly seems downright repulsively disgusting and filthy, the people are so rude, and the public transportation is so unsafe. Plus, I hate Philadelphia sports teams with a passion!
Both Mr Corn’s and my parents left our hometowns while we were in college. We met in Boston, so that has become our home. We bought a house here, so I guess that means we are staying…but if you had told me 6 years ago when I moved here that I was not only going to stay for more than a year, but live here forever and spread roots, I would have laughed at you!!
I”d love to be your friend…I have a post coming up lauding you for your incredible wedding map making directions
Mine is not technically relocating for love, but it is along those same lines. We met in his hometown. I had moved down here for a year to do an internship, met the boy and ended up staying! We are about 4.5 hours from my parents.
When I first moved here, I only knew one friend from college. I had a really hard time meeting new peeps; they should tell you about that in school! I gradually met people through work, hobbies (knitting and running), and mutual friends.
I’ll be moving for love — from New York City, where I’ve lived and worked for almost my entire life, to Denver, where my fiance lives. He has a daughter, so there really isn’t an option of uprooting her, or taking her away from the shared custody my fiance has with his ex-wife, so I’m crossing my fingers my job will let me work remotely, and come back to NY frequently to visit friends and family. And take meetings, of course!
Here’s a question, though: we’re planning our wedding for mid-April, with a honeymoon to follow. When is the best time to move? Do I pack up all my stuff and send it across the country before the wedding, and then “move” back up to my mom’s before the wedding, or do I wait until after the wedding, and come back to NYC for a big moving day?
Any advice, bees?
Miss Hibiscus, I would love to be friend #4 and you are totally invited to our next game night! Which will be a little while because we are in the middle of preparing to move in the next month since we are sick of living on campus, ugh. Send me an email if you would like so we can keep in touch! I’m at aimeeannaikens@gmail.com or aimee@urbanbotanic.com–those are the addresses I check the most. Yay for new friends!
Whoops, the “-those” part is obviously not part of my email.
Hi Miss Hibiscus!
I’ll be your first friend in No. Cal with kids. I have 3 girls and 1 boy who range in ages from 2 - 10. I live in the Peninsula area which is about 2 hours from Sac.
It is kinda true that you don’t spend as much time w/your friends once you have kids but it makes the time that you do spend together all that much more special. I have a girlfriend that I see about once every 2 weeks that I met when I had 3 of my 4 kids. She’s great. She’s single and it’s always a blast being with her. She helps me remember to take time for myself.
The inevitable question of where to settle down after getting married. I’m a SoCal girl and he’s a Portland/Vancouver, WA guy. He’s moved a few times but has always wanted to move back home, the great PNW. It actually worked out quite well for us because 1. I’ve always wanted to live in OR or WA (the weather, atmosphere, etc. are everything I’ve always looked for) and 2. we can actually afford a great big house we love. Now that we’ve been here for 5months, I LOVE living here. It has everything I want (stores and whatnot) and more without the traffic, attitude, smog, etc. etc. Buuuuut…I miss my family something awful, especially my mom. I’ve never been very close with my mom but as I get older and notice her getting older, I’m finding I really do love my mother (surprise, surprise) and am overwhelmed by this great affection for her that I haven’t had since I was a little girl. Even worse, I’m a bit resentful that my in laws are so close while my family is so far away. Am I being childish? Probably. My MIL is pretty nice and his grandmother is really nice to me. But whenever MIL makes me feel like a second class citizen compared to my SIL and her kids, I miss my family even more. My mother always treated my sisters and I equally. It behooves me that my MIL is not the same with her children. Nothing big, but lots of little things. Despite all that, I can’t imagine moving back to SoCal.
Don’t worry Miss Hibiscus!
I’m a SoCal girl myself and made the very difficult decision to be with my fiance in NorCal. We’ve been doing long distance for 2 1/2 years before we got engaged in September 2006.
It has been difficult, but like you said we’re lucky we’re only an hour flight from home! At least Mr. Hibiscus has a lot of family, my fiance doesn’t have much in the area and all my friends are back at home. But after 4 months I’m doing well.
