Wedding Blog
This may sound odd, but I’m very apprehensive of my wedding day.
The day Mr. Tomato asked me to marry him was one of the happiest moments in my life. Unfortunately, the weeks before that moment were heart-wrenching. Ever since my mom found out we wanted to get engaged, she stopped speaking to me. It actually has nothing to do with Mr.Tomato, but that I’m too young (25), unable to support myself (because I haven’t bought a half million dollar condo) and I “just” graduated from college (three years ago). She’s hung up the phone when I call her. She refuses to see me. She’s made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. My dad has been okay with us getting married and has tried talking to her, but she won’t budge. I feel like I’m in some crazy high-school drama except it’s a little different when it comes to your blood. You can’t really just dump your family and leave it at that.
Every wedding that I’ve attended since that time has driven me to tears or complete stoicism. When the bride/groom hug their parents after their pronouncement. When they’re taking family photos. When I look at the programs that have the parents’ names listed (I decided not to list any parents’ names on the programs). When I hear about a bride complaining that her parents aren’t paying enough to foot their wedding, I feel like saying, “Hey you! Snap out of it! At least your parents will be there.” Even my married friends who have divorced parents had both attend their wedding.
Mr. Tomato’s parents, gratefully, have been nothing but incredibly supportive during this time. I couldn’t ask for better in-laws.
And so as the wedding date draws closer, I am filled with trepidation for my own feelings and thoughts the day of. What sort of emotions will I be having throughout the wedding? It’s easy to say “Just don’t think about it; it’s your day” but I know the hurt will be pricking me throughout the ceremony and even the reception. I can try my best to have a completely blissful day, but I know it’s not going to be that way.
Have any of you gone through a similar situation with your engagement? How do you plan to deal with it?
|
Share this post: Hard Love
Oh, I can relate. My relationship with my parents is generally positive, although they won’t be attending our wedding for various reasons. The thought of not having my parents there leaves me with such mixed emotions.
It’s nice to see an honest post from someone with a less than perfect family situation. It’s hard not to cringe at brides whose biggest concern is what to use for a “daddy/daughter” song (no offense to those in this boat, of course).
I’m sorry you have to go through this…weddings should be about bringing family together. I’m not sure how your relationship with your mother was before this but I just don’t get how she can be so angry about this? I really hope she comes around!!
First of all, big *hugs* - I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this. Although I haven’t had that experience with our engagement, there was a time that we, as a couple, were getting a lot of push back from his parents. My fiance and I are high school sweethearts and spent a LOT of time together and I spent a LOT of time at his house. And instead of his parents say, I think its time for me to go home they starting babbling on about age differences. We are two years apart - here is the kicker SO ARE HIS PARENTS!! Ahh…silly parents…anyway, I wanted you to know that I am thinking happy thoughts about you and your fiance. And, although (IMHO) weddings are about families, they are MOST importantly about the two individuals making this committment to one another.
is your mom going to attend your wedding? maybe you could send her a letter and explain your feelings - tell her, respectfully, that you think she’s being foolish by ignoring such a huge moment in both of your lives?
My mother freaks because we don’t know if we want children. We lean toward no on the subject and since my sister just had a baby- she wants me to have one too. I’m just not sure I’m cut out for it. I’d rather be too cautious on that subject than not at all if you KWIM?
What will upset me is if my one aunt & uncle, and my 2 cousins that I grew up living next door to- don’t come to my wedding. My wedding is almost 4 hours away from my hometown and I’ve already been warned by my mom that they just might not come because of the distance. That hurts me but I have to let it go and just say “their loss”. Maybe one day they’ll be sorry they were petty. I can’t keep letting it bother me.
A similar thing happened to me but it was not during my engagement. It was when I wanted to go to Europe for 3 months on a work program after I graduated from college. My mom was totally against it because she felt that I needed to stabilize my career and wait unitl I work enough to build vacation time to travel. I went anyway, and not only did she not hug me goodbye before I left, she did not speak to me after that. She rallied with her sisters and told them not to attend my graduation (I graduated, but I would be back from Europe for the walking ceremony). She told others she didn’t regret not saying goodbye if that was the last time she would see me, because it would be no fault but my own if something were to happen to me. It was a heart wrenching and hurtful experience, and although we got past it (by avoidance,mind you….to this day, we do not speak of my “time in Europe), it is something I will never forget, and will always instill in my future children that no matter what decisions they make, I will support them even if it kills me. I can’t imagine how you must feel right now, and I hope for your sake that you mom comes around, even if it is at the last minute. But if it doesn’t, just use it as an experience of what you DON’T want to happen between you and your own daughter, should you choose to have children. Good luck, and I will think of you in the hopes that your family comes around.
Wow. We never quite understand our parents decisions… Maybe if you can find out why your mom feels the way she does, you’ll be able to better understand her or at least see where she’s coming from. And perhaps she just needs a little time to get used to the idea.
Good luck! Just remember to do what you feel most comfortable with! 
I just tried to post something but it’s not appearing, so trying again.
We just went through this. His parents were a black hole of negativity throughout the entire engagement, culminating in a wedding day no-show. (Possible Asian parent theme in common?)
I eventually had to stop crying, then stop being angry and finally realize I was the luckiest woman in the world because DH chose me anyway even though he knew it meant losing his family. Hope this can save you some self-doubt:
If there are no “legitimate” objections and it feels arbitrary, then it’s not about you — it’s about her. She’s mourning getting older, starting empty nest, losing control/influence over you, feeling rejected because you love someone “more” (nevermind that it’s a different type of love and appropriate), realizing her dreams for how you would live your life are not what you chose for yourself or she has to find new dreams, or being “unneeded” now that her project of raising you is over, etc.
Keep communicating (even if it’s rejected/ignored) and stay open and behave under the Golden Rule and you’ll have no regrets come w-day.
Bottom line: Don’t beat yourself up. She might not even realize herself that it’s all about her and she’s dealing with something. So glad you have your dad’s support at least. Maybe he can influence her to either change her heart/mind, or at least go through the motions to be polite and kind to you.
Great book that made us feel much better: http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-3492733-4220006?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181330685&sr=8-2
maybe send a note via snail-mail…just one of those pretty notecards with flowers or something on the front…and on the inside write “I love you, Mom. No matter what. - Me”
it makes you look like the bigger person, helps put things in perspective, and might just be the emotional tipping point she needs. and if not, then you’ve told her you loved her, and if anything happens before you have a chance to make up…you’ll have no regrets. it’s such a shame though, that she’s choosing to make a point rather than participate in a day i bet she’s dreamed about as much as you have.
so sorry you’re going through this!!
My heart breaks for you, Miss Tomato!! I only hope your mom reads this blog and sees how truly upset you are at her known absence.
Today I’ve been spending the better portion of my morning harassing my mom because she cannot remember her song with my dad. Granted, that was 2 (soon to be 3) marriages ago… but STILL!! Everyone has a song! C’mon! After reading your post, I have decided to be thankful that she is (1) attending, and (2) happy for me. Thank goodness you have a MIL who is wonderful, not a replacement, but wonderful none-the-less!!
Miss Tomato I know how you feel and it totally sucks. My parents completely disapprove of our relationship based soley on race. I love my parents and grew up as an only child so they are very dear to me, but when they won’t listen to reason or have an open mind about it, there’s not much I can do to persuade them. I’m hoping they will come around themselves. In the meantime, I’ve told them if their choice to cut me out of their lives is what they want then it’s their choice. They are always welcome to mine and I still want them to be a part of mine.
Don’t give up Miss Tomato - keep contacting your Mom (perhaps in person?) and talking to her. Her reasons against you marriage seem to stem from fear. I would think you and your fiance talking to her would help her understand better and see that you two will be fine together.
Hang in there! My mom has been through two divorces and thinks marriage is a generally risky and disappointing proposition. So she won’t even say if she’s happy for me or whatever. She’ll only say “If it’s what makes you happy.” Her own mother interfered way too much in her life, so she’s trying to do the opposite. But maybe taking it too far.
The most important thing about a marriage is whether YOU feel that it’s right for you. By the way, you may want to refer your mother to the National Marriage Survey. http://g.msn.com/9SE/1?http://www.fatherhood.org/doclibrary/nms.pdf&&DI=6244&IG=a3ce5318b55a40ef84e0b9feb25b9f40&POS=2&CM=WPU&CE=2&CS=AWP&SR=2
According to the survey, age 25 is a fine time to get married, and getting married later than that doesn’t improve your marital success.
I had a very close friend whose future in-laws were very against the marriage and her, and refused to come to the wedding and even stopped all communication with their son. It was def not easy seeing the my friend get upset and have joys of marriage being overshadowed by family hurt… But our friends prayed faithfully over the course of a year. And let me tell you, the wedding was a miracle. Just a week before the wedding, crazy reconciliation began to happen and in the end, it was one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve been too. Many many tears were shed that day… So have hope Miss Tomato! I think sometimes, parents are sad to see us “leave” them so early. Even my mom said to me “you won’t understand how I feel until the day of YOUR own future daughter’s wedding”
I am so sorry to hear about your mother’s behavior. Is it possible she’s having other issues with the engagement — perhaps not ready to “lose” her daughter to marriage — and using the age objection as an excuse to fight the whole idea? I know my mother has hinted that my engagement brings up a lot of strange fears and insecurities about aging, losing me as a confidante when I turn to my fiance instead, etc. Maybe if you reassure her on those other fronts (presumably through your father, since you’re not communicating directly), it could help a bit?
I had a friend whose father pulled a similar stunt because her fiance was the “wrong” ethnicity. In the end, her dad did show up on her wedding day. When the day actually arrived and his wife got dressed and prepared to attend, he realized he couldn’t just stay home.
As far as your mother’s actual objections go, hope you don’t let them get to you. While I totally agree that age is a problem if you’re not mature enough to handle the challenges of marriage (said as the child of divorced parents who got married as sheltered 19-year-olds), 25 is hardly a child. And even with truly young couples, you just never know — my grandfather’s mother STRONGLY opposed my grandparents’ marriage because they were 18/19, and 63 years later they’re still married and, better yet, still genuinely in love!
Best of luck to you with your family situation. Do keep us posted.
reading mrs. peach’s comment reminded me again how powerful prayer is. i will be praying for you and your family.
I went through something similar with my parents. When we first got engaged I was nervous about telling them because I feared a negative reaction, and I knew I’d be sad if they weren’t happy for me. They actually told me a few months later that they thought I was making a mistake (youth def plays a part), and I was so torn up about it I arranged for the four of us to go to three counseling sessions for free through my Employee Assistance Program. We discussed their concerns, and they saw my fiance better for who he really is. Things still aren’t 100%, more like 95%, better, and I don’t really have that fear anymore of them being miserable on such a happy occasion.
Honestly, I’ve always found it hard to communicate with my parents and it doesn’t sound like your mom would be up for this option, but if there is the slightest chance, do it. It was very helpful. In the meantime, take care, enjoy your in-laws and friends’ support, and know that all we readers will be pulling for you!
As hard as it is, you can’t please everyone. I feel for you. I also feel bad for your mother because she is going to look back one day and realize that she missed out on her daughters wedding. One of the biggest days in your life. I have a good relationship with my mother, but my mother in law is driving me crazy. She is very manipulative and controlling. She thinks that everything about MY wedding should be her way. I have to keep reminding her that this is 2007, not 1965. People do things differently today. We have had many blow ups about this. Something I thought would never happen. Hang in there. Enjoy your day. Maybe your mom will come around.
i couldnt have written this better myself.
i am going through the EXACT situation that you are, although my situation is a bit different (i’m 22 and almost done with school).
i KNOW how you feel and i am so sorry. like what everyone has already said, she’s probaby fighting an internal battle with herself of letting you go. and despite it all, i’m sure she is very very proud of you. i think as mrs. peach’s suggests, the only thing we can do is pray — not just for her but for ourselves as well, to understand.
Best of luck Ms. tomato! i’ll keep you in my thoughts!
I’m very sorry Miss Tomato. No one should ever be made to feel that way 
Thank God you have your in laws supporting you and your fiance.
While both of my parents are supportive of my marriage, my dad can’t be at the wedding due to travel restrictions in the country he’s currently living in. We haven’t had the best of relationships over the years, but I still would have liked to have seen him at my wedding. Even though I’m not SUPER traditional, it stings that there won’t be a father-daughter dance alongside the mother-son one (and I don’t want to stiff my FMIL on dancing with her son just b/c of my crazy family situation).
I feel for you, Miss Tomato, on the whole “It’s your day, be happy” thing. Forget perfect, let’s just try for joyful! I’m finding comfort in the incredible women (including my mom and sister) who’ve supported me — both growing up and now, in my marriage. Couldn’t have done it without ‘em, and I’m thrilled that they’re all going to be there for the big day.
I’m 21, he’s 20, we’re both still in college, and my mom didn’t have a single complaint! I find it hard to believe that she’d have so many objections, goodness. Just give it time, I guess. Once she figures out you’re 100% serious, she’ll probably give in just so she can be involved in planning, if nothing else.
I’m so sorry Miss Tomato! Without going into details, I can definitely relate — but things did work out in the end, at least on the surface. Keep your head up and don’t let the negativity of others affect your own happiness with Mr. Tomato. Email anytime you want to vent!
Thanks for writing this Miss Tomato. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with a crazy, stubborn, unreasonable mom. (I mean, it’s not “nice” per se, that it’s happening to you, but at least I don’t feel so alone about the way my mom is.) Good luck with everything and you’ll be in my prayers too.
I’m so sorry Miss Tomato-my parents are having a fit because we’re not marrying in the location they want-due to my FFIL’s ill health. You can only control what you do,not what you feel,or what they do. Try to remember that-I know it’s really hard. My thoughts are with you.
are you sure it’s not because of Mr. Tomato? maybe she doesn’t want to say that maybe you’ll find better or she wants you to experience more in life….yada yada. from a traditional / cultural point of view..do you think she feels that she’s brought you up and spend $$$ on college…whatever and feel like you need to “give back” to the family before you marry off and have your own family? i know that’s how my mom feels about girls marrying young or just out of college. anyway, i don’t know if there are any answers or what would make your situation better besides giving each other a chance to express your feelings. Good luck!
i’m sorry you’re going through this. do you have an aunt or a close friend of your mother’s who can talk to her? since she won’t see you or even talk to you on the phone, maybe you need someone else (in addition to your dad) to talk to her? i’ll keep my fingers crossed your mother will come around…
Quote: “You can’t really just dump your family and leave it at that.”
Actually… you can. It sucks, but sometimes it is the only right choice.
My sister married a wonderful man who our mother just doesn’t like. Mom has made fun of him, said nasty things about him, generally been a pain in the butt about family functions which involve him, and blamed him for all sorts of unfair things. Finally, my sister had had enough.
It’s not fair for your parent to make you “choose” between themselves and the love of your life. Mom was saying to (sister), “you can’t be with him and still have me in your life.” As we have all told my mother time and again, “don’t force (sister) to choose between her husband and you. You’ll lose that battle.” And a year or two ago, that’s exactly what happened. My sister’s marriage has never been better…without my mom in her life anymore.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through that! It must be really difficult to have to deal with it on top of everything else you have going on. I can only wish you the best and hope that your mother comes around before your day.
Wow–I come from a family where my parents were very liberal in raising us and I just cannot believe that this is happening to so many of you (by the sound of your posts). The thing that I can’t believe is that the parents are willing to risk alienating themselves from their children because said children are not bending to their tempermental whims! Crazy! I by no means have the ideal family situation (my parents are divorced) which I think makes all things “wedding” a bit more awkward but I digress. I admire you having to go through this and planning a wedding all at the same time–which in itself is an emotional roller coaster. Your mom had better come around!
I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, I can definitely relate. My dad is not coming to our wedding, for not really any good reasons, other than some control issues (he’s a stereotypical strict, domineering Asian dad), it’s definitely been hard to deal with and I don’t think he’s fully thinking through how much he’ll regret not being there, but I made a decision that it will not ruin this day for me. Getting to marry my FI is all that matters in the end.
I’ve felt the same pangs looking at pictures of brides dancing with their dads and wishing that my family could be “normal” and intact and happy and all at my wedding, it’s not easy but I’ve learned to appreciate what I do have - my wonderful FI and his amazing parents, who have been nothing but helpful and supportive and kind.
I really hope your mom will come through for you, but even if she doesn’t, I hope you will be able to enjoy your day to the fullest.
Glad you were able to open up to us. I just had an argument with my own mom.. sigh. No family is perfect - it’s just that we’d rather not mention the bad and only focus on the good, ya know.. Life goes on.. it’s your wedding, hopefully she’ll come around.
Same situation here, only with my in-laws instead. I’m Anglo, he’s Asian… his parents not only refuse to come to the wedding but have asked his entire family to not attend. They’ve cut off communication with him. It really dampens the mood throughout the entire wedding planning process, doesn’t it? It’s such a sad and frustrating situation for everyone involved (including his parents!).
I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. I agree with most of the others here even though it’s so cliche… but it really likely has nothing to do with you at all. Lets call it as it is, your mom is being selfish in this moment. She’ll likely come around if not at the very last moment.
Stay strong and don’t let this cast a dark cloud over YOUR special day. Best to you!
So sorry to hear about this Miss Tomato. I am also having problems with my grandmother (who played a large role in raising me) who refuses to come to our wedding because we’re not being married in the church. My FH and I are not churchgoers and we don’t want to build our life on something that is contrived by being married in the church although we would never otherwise attend.
I feel extremely guilty and I would love to find some type of compromise to accomodate my grandmother who I love very much but I’m at a loss what to do.
Miss Tomato -
My mom and I had a very similar fight when I first told her that I was engaged - she didn’t like my fiancee, she didn’t think I was old enough, she didn’t think we were financially stable enough, she didn’t think I was at a point in my life where I was prepared to make big decisions about the rest of it (i.e. 2 years out of college). She has since come around, but for a long time I was convinced that she wouldn’t. I can’t speculate as to whether that will be the case for your mom, but what I can say is that during the period when I really feared that my mom wouldn’t ever approve, I found other people who would step into her role for me. It’s not the same, but my FI’s aunt and uncle took me under their wing and made me feel accepted and loved and treasured, and they were thrilled with our engagement and with our relationship, and between them and some of my own aunts I got the “adult” support that I needed. It’s not the same as having your mom, but I’m sure there are people in your life who would be happy to lend you their support. Best wishes.
Miss Tomato, that is so saddening. While I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like on the scale of a WEDDING, my mother pulled a similar stunt and refused to come to my high school graduation, because I was only graduating as the salutatorian, and not the valdictorian. Nevermind that I couldn’t care less and had already been accepted to all the top universities — it just wasn’t good enough for her. While she never stopped talking to me, and will certainly force her way front and center for my wedding, I have resented her ever since for making it perfectly clear that I will never be good enough for her.
that’s awful, miss tomato. i don’t really know what to say. i hope someone sends her this post.
Yes, I was ‘dumped’ by my mother and most of the rest of my family about a week before the wedding. She chose a divisive issue (not really something serious at that) where I had to stand my ground.
Since it was such short notice I just pushed it to the back of my mind and enjoyed the wedding day. Later, I grieved the loss of what I thought a mother should be and came to accept the situation. We’ve tried to make contact since then but it always ends in a blow out so I stopped trying.
Don’t think your family is weird if things don’t work out. Apparently this happens a lot!
That is absolutely terrible Miss Tomato - but I think someone else said it - it is a very sad, but common occurence among asian brides - I, too, had and still have my fair share of drama with my parents - worried about doing things a certain way for fear of “losing face” in the community, the fact that my FI was not Vietnamese really upsetted them - the fact that we got engaged in the “american” way where he asked me to marry him instead of asking my entire family if it was ok first, the list goes on - to this day, I still struggle with it. My parents have both at times threatened not to show up on the day of - at first it was very upsetting, but over time I realized that its OUR wedding not theirs - and they need to stop being selfish and start being happy for me or at least act like it. It just saddens me and teaches me the things and ways NOT to act in the future whenever I have children of my own - I will support them and be there for them regardless of the nationality of their significant other.
I met my fiance while I was working in NZ - I am from the UK originally - and my Mum wasn’t very thrilled when I told her we’d got engaged. She was even less thrilled when we decided to get married here. She is not coming but it’s because it is a long way and she is not a good traveller. I think we both feel really guilty - me because it was my choice to have it here, and she because she feels that she should be here. I hope I will be ok on my day as my Dad is flying out but I know that I will miss her very very much and I hope it hasn’t ruined our relationship. I first tried to involve her with photos and letters but she said that they just upset her so I am not telling her much about the arrangements anymore. I hope to have a celebration for family and friends in the UK next year
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Tomato, Napa Valley
Age and Occupation: 25, Technology Project Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Engineer
Engagement Date: October 22, 2006
Wedding Date: July 1, 2007
Blogging Since: May 1, 2006
Venue: Auberge du Soleil
About Me: I love all things beautiful. From handmade stationery, feminine fashion and delicate flowers to the little moments in your life treasured with your loved one. I am also notorious among my friends to be a deal hunter! My best deal was perhaps my Monique Lhuillier dress for $1100 (orig. $5000). I also tend to use a lot of exclamation marks! =)
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics