Register or log in —

Newer blog post
more in Blog
Older blog post
Newer blog post by Mrs. Pumpkin
more by Mrs. Pumpkin (oldest)
Older blog post by Mrs. Pumpkin
Mrs. Pumpkin's Picture
Mrs. Pumpkin, Saskatchewan, Canada Blogger Since: April 10, 2007 Age and Occupation: 28, Lawyer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Farmer Engagement Date: July 14, 2006 Wedding Date: June, 2007 About Me: I love movies, music and I am addicted to TV. When I have some spare time I also love scrapbooking and making personalized greeting cards and above all playing Hide & Seek or Duck, Duck, Goose with my two adorable nieces!
About Mrs. Pumpkin

You’re So Rude*

June 14th, 2007 @ 3:39 pm by Mrs. Pumpkin

Okay Weddingbees! I need your help. Here’s the situation - my parents went away on a weeks vacation and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche - would they mind? Hmmmm well, of course not. Just kidding. Sometimes I need a little Fresh Prince in the morning to get me going.

Okay, *here’s* the situation. We are having a day-after brunch at my parents house on Sunday. Mr. Pumpkin and I talked it over and decided that we were not going to open our gifts in front of everyone so that it is a brunch, not a gift opening. The other night we were talking about it with my SIL and she said something like, “Well, of course you’ll have all of your gifts opened and on display then, right?” And I said, “no” to which she replied, “You have to! It is rude not to! People want to see what you got!”

My personal feelings are that it is nobody else’s business what we “got” for wedding gifts. As I have said before, I think comparisons surrounding gifts and money almost always lead to hurt feelings. When I explained this to my SIL she said, “Well then display the gifts without the cards.” Well, what is the point of that? To me that just seems like we are showing off or something. It is all a bit weird, isn’t it? It never once occurred to me that it might be “rude” to not have our gifts be the focus of the brunch. My intentions surrounding the brunch were just to have a more relaxed setting to visit with our friends and family and to thank them once again for coming to the wedding.

So, dear readers, I need your help - what are your opinions on this? Is it okay for us to have the brunch with no mention or display of gifts? Would NOT displaying the gifts truly be “rude”?

*Faces

Tags: , |   Link for this post | Share this post: You’re So Rude*      
Newer blog post
more in Blog
Older blog post
Newer blog post by Mrs. Pumpkin
more by Mrs. Pumpkin (oldest)
Older blog post by Mrs. Pumpkin
advertisement below

56 Responses to “You’re So Rude*”

1.
Guest Icon
Guest
chrissie

I don’t think it’s rude at all!

I may be biased though because we’re having a brunch the following day and we weren’t planning on displaying the gifts either.

 
2.
Guest Icon
Guest
Andrea

Absolutely not. Our brunch will thankfully be at a nearby park, so our gifts won’t even be there. But I think it would be rude TO display them…go fig.

 
3.
Guest Icon
Guest
Didi

Miss Pumpkin I’m with you. I do not think it’s rude in anyway. And if the gifts were selected off your registery, haven’t the guests already kinda seen what you will be getting? I agree with Andrea that displaying them would actually seem rude…or weird.

I’ve only been to 2 day after brunches and there was no mention or opening of the gifts just “thanks for coming” and general mingling.

 
4.
Guest Icon
Guest
SKK

Stick to your guns! I absolutely agree that it’s not in good taste to open or display gifts at a day-after brunch. Just politely remind the nay-sayers that bringing a gift is a very generous gesture, and not at all something that you expect from your guests, so you would prefer to keep it between you and your new husband.

 
5.
Guest Icon
Guest
Tea

i didn’t know the brunch was supposed to be a gift-opening party. i don’t think it’s rude not too. you have a different feel for the brunch so just go with that. honestly, how many times can a guest “ooh and ahh” over a gift?

 
6.
Guest Icon
Guest
MK

I don’t think it’s rude at all– in fact, it’s usually fairly boring for a guest to sit around while dozens and dozens of presents are being opened. I think everyone, you two included, would rather enjoy each other’s company and have a fun, relaxing time. Go with your instincts!

 
7.
Guest Icon
Guest
Amy

IMO, displaying gifts is BEGGING for comparisons. I agree on your intentions for the post wedding brunch. But these days, do ppl still get a lot of “gifts”? I thought most people either bought off registries (and gifts sent directly to the bride/groom who then open it at their leisure) or it’s cash/gift card.

 
8.
Guest Icon
Guest
Impatience

I agree with everybody else. :)

 
9.
Guest Icon
Guest
Mary

haha I say take the porsche out for a test drive. ;)

 
10.
Guest Icon
Guest
L

I think it would NOT be rude either way. As a guest, I am just curious to see what you got and you’re right, it’s really none of my business. However, it’s just nice to receive acknowledgement from the gift receiver that you have gotten and seen my gift. But I also understand your reasoning for not wanting to display your gifts and that’s completely understandable.

Perhaps you could mention your plans of not displaying your gifts to some people who are going to be invited to the brunch. See how they react…if a majority feel like it’s rude, then make sure you talk to your FI about it so that you are on the same page and announce at the brunch (with your FI of course) that you would like the focus to be on spending time and catching up with all the guests rather than you and your FI and what gifts you received.

Good luck!

 
11.
Guest Icon
Guest
Mary

I think it is not rude at all! Stick to your guns, and if someone at the brunch asks about the gifts, you can always say you appreciated all the gifts you received but in the excitement of the wedding had not had a chance to open them.

 
12.
Guest Icon
Guest
kgr

If the brunch is at your parents’ house, why would the gifts be there anyway? If they are in the house, I say toss them in the basement, have a great brunch and not worry about gifts!

 
13.
Guest Icon
Guest
C.C

I wouldn’t want to open my gifts in front of everyone. As the bride, even if I received something funny or something I don’t like, I would still appreciate it. But other people might not! I don’t want people making fun of my gifts or gossiping around them. Plus what if you open a gift and it’s a bedroom toy or sexy lingerie…

 
14.
Guest Icon
Guest
Mary

I agree with you Miss Pumpkin!
This is YOUR event, and you and your husband should simply decline to have gifts opened or displayed—

If people want to see your “stuff”, and you want to share, they can eventually make a trip to your home!

 
15.
Guest Icon
Guest
Petra

I have been to several post-wedding brunches and not a one was a gift-opening session. In one case, the couple was asked to open a gift by the guest who gave it to them, just because it was something special (a painting), but they did not open any others after that. And that guest was the sister of the bride/MOH, so, well, she had more reason to ask this of the couple. Anyhow, NO definitely not rude to not open gifts. Mingling and thanking the guests for being there is a better way to spend your brunch.
I wouldn’t be offended if the people DID open gifts, but, I think it’s still better not to…

 
16.
Guest Icon
Guest
t

Isn’t it about the wedding, not the gifts? OK, well maybe it is FUN to have gifts but thats not the point. Deal with your SIL diplomatically but don’t get pushed around…and don’t worry…

 
17.
Guest Icon
Guest
BJT

I think your sister is the one who wants to see what you got! Invite her to sit with you and your DH when you open the gifts, and enjoy the brunch spending time with the guests.

 
18.
Guest Icon
Guest
Shannon

I think it’s kind of show off-y to display them — it’s definitely not rude to leave them at home. Weddings aren’t about gifts, they’re about celebrating a new life as a married couple. I would feel strange about putting my gifts on display like that. In fact, my fiance’s family threw me a shower last weekend, and I wanted to come home and just put the gifts away. But his mother — and my mother — wanted to come over and look at everything first. Even though it was just our mothers, I felt like I was showing off, like, “Ooh! See how much people spent on us!” But I’m weird about accepting gifts anyway.

I say do what makes you feel comfortable. Your guests didn’t buy you gifts to get credit for it at the brunch. They did it because they wanted to give you a little something to show how happy they are about your wedding/new life with the hubby.

 
19.
Guest Icon
Guest
HC

Is this a regional thing? I’ve never heard of opening wedding gifts in front of any guests - Before, after, or during any part of the wedding celebration. So no, I don’t think it is rude. In fact, I agree with you that it isn’t anyone else’s business.

 
20.
Guest Icon
Guest
Kelly

Yeah, I’d feel like it was just a material show-off if you had the gifts either opened or displayed there. That is clearly not what the focus of the bruch is.

I always feel Bridezilla-ish when I say/think this, but if your SIL/FMIL/Mom feels so strongly about this, she can have her own damn wedding and do it her way then and there.

But I digress. Enjoy your brunch and treat it like you want to, as a warm way to thank everyone and send them off with full stomachs.

 
21.
Guest Icon
Guest
Iris

Your instinct is completely right!

One possible exception — someone who is BEGGING you to open their gift in front of them (but not everyone else), e.g., because they made a gift by hand, it’s from a little kid, it’s from an elderly relative who just can’t be denied and might have 6 months to live…. Meaning humor a few people who need it, only.

My mom had pushed for opening gifts at the brunch, sulking that she wanted to see what we got. (Not a valid reason to hurt others’ feelings; it’s a brunch, not a shower.) Also, we had to pack everything up for a long drive, and it was easier to pack wrapped.

#1 reason: It was REALLY FUN for DH and I to open them alone at home together once we got home from the honeymoon (a total pick-me-up from the post-honeymoon blues), and plus we could keep everything ORGANIZED (no lost cards!) to make it easy to write TY notes.

 
22.
Guest Icon
Guest
christina

I have never heard of this practice. I’m not displaying any of my gifts at the lunch the next day. That’s just kind of weird I think.

PS - Love your nod to DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince. ;)

 
23.
Guest Icon
Guest
sally

I agree with you and not your sister on that one.

 
24.
Guest Icon
Guest
nhung

why don’t you want to open gifts in front of other people? are you afraid that it might make people feel bad that their gift isn’t as nice as others?

personally, as a gift giver, i love watching my gift being opened. i want to see the joy on that person’s face as they open my gift. it’s a good feeling. =)

 
25.
Guest Icon
Guest
R

I feel the “gift” opening should be just you and your new husband. I know traditionally my family and friends give a monetary gift. No need to display what I got to others…..

 
26.
Guest Icon
Guest
e

i almost feel like it’s rude to OPEN the gifts at the brunch. it’s so rub-their-noses-in-it, you know?

sil’s just don’t understand. Ha! kidding.

 
27.
Guest Icon
Guest
sloe-eyed

i’ve never heard of this practice. i thought the brunch was a really relaxed affair to decompress after the big wedding and enjoy the company of friends and family. isn’t the brunch a relatively new practice? i’m surprised there’s already etiquette about what to do/not to do regarding it.

anyway, if people want to see what gifts you got, send them a link to your registry.

 
28.
Guest Icon
Guest
tto

i’ve never been to a brunch or any other after wedding event where gifts were displayed.

 
29.
Guest Icon
Guest
E's girl

I agree with “e” and pretty much everyone else!

 
30.
Guest Icon
Guest
tofu

*YAWN* watching someone open gifts is not fun to me. i much rather talk, eat, talk, mingle and not have to worry about paying attention to who gave what and saying the obligatory “oooh…ahhhh”. does your SIL think this will serve as the “entertainment” or something? not very entertaining, imo.

 
31.
Guest Icon
Guest
Sarah

After reading everyones comments… I think I am going to be the odd one out on this one!
We had a day after brunch, and we didn’t plan on opening any of our gifts… however, we did.
In our case our ceremony/reception were at two outdoor locations and the logistics meant that many guests knew bringing a gift to the wedding would be a bit difficult. So, we received many of them in the mail ahead of time. Those that were planning on coming to the day after brunch brought their gifts then.
Well, it was decided w/o us knowing that our guests wanted us to open our gifts right then… sort of like reliving a grade-school birthday party.
I don’t think it was rude… and everyone had a lot of fun.
So, my advice is to just go with the flow. Don’t plan a big gift opening celebration… but enjoy it if it happens!

 
32.
Guest Icon
Guest
Sara

That would be SO tacky to have gifts on display. Don’t do it.

 
33.
Guest Icon
Guest
christin

As a guest, I wouldn’t think it was rude for you to have your gift opening take place at the brunch. I might be a little anxious about your reaction to my gift, but that is all.

As a fellow bride-to-be, I can understand your hesitation, especially the worry that people might compare gifts.

(Like in Father of the Bride when the bride’s parents give them a car and the bride’s day gives them a coffee machine.)

I would hate for someone to think their gift meant less because it cost less or wasn’t as impressive.

Tought situation that Iwill have to face as well.

Knowing my family I will be talked into opening the gifts then and hope that all goes well.

Best of luck in making your decision!

 
34.
Guest Icon
Guest
wsukarebear

I thin you should do what feels right for the two of you. We’re having a brunch and I just thought opening gifts was part of that…but now I think I might agree with you–what the heck for!?!?

One of the most atrocious gift openings I went to, the bride actually announced every gift and who it was from and provided commentary:
“Oh, WSUkarebear, your parents gave us 100 to Macy*s! Thanks! Wow!” and I literally heard things like, “Huh…so and so got us this candle holder thing. Weird.” Very tack-a-licious.

I have been to a few gift opening/brunches and it wasn’t anything I was ever offended by, but I would never say it was rude NOT to do it.

 
35.
Guest Icon
Guest
cubangirl

I think it IS a regional thing– every brunch I’ve been to (in the midwest) has included gift opening. It’s kind of like Christmas– everyone wants you to open your gift when they can see how much you love it, so you just have to be careful to love them equally.
That being said, the etiquette obviously differs by region, so I think you can not do it without being rude.

 
36.
Guest Icon
Guest
Manda

Do what you want. Although, to avoid any questions or anything I would suggest not having your gifts anywhere that the brunch guests can see. Shove ‘em in a bedroom or in another house!

 
37.
Guest Icon
Guest
Iris

Manda, great idea.

 
38.
Guest Icon
Guest
Courtney

I haven’t read the other comments, but wanted to add my two cents…I think it is rude TO display the gifts. It’s like, “oooh, look at all that we got!”

Plus, if someone didn’t bring a gift, I think they would feel bad, especially with all the talk that would likely occur (who brought what, etc…).

 
39.
Guest Icon
Guest
Natalie

Miss Pumpkin, you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable- period.

I personally have been to a couple of brunches and they did not involve opening gifts. If you WANT to, then go ahead. However, for your SIL to think that you’ll already have them all open and on display?! That’s a little much… I don’t see how you would have time to open them BEFORE the brunch, put them on display, and keep them all organized… I think people generally see brunches as a way to unwind a little and socialize a little more.

Just relax and have fun… that’s the most important thing!!

 
40.
Guest Icon
Guest
JenniferB

don’t open the gifts…and thanks for the Fresh Prince refresher!
Sometimes SILs just don’t understand!

 
41.
Guest Icon
Guest
Arivechi

I have been to a couple post-wedding brunches where gifts were opened… but it really didn’t seem like they were doing it to impress anyone or show off the loot. The gifts didn’t end up on display, just put aside once opened. I didn’t have the impression that it was rude to do it or rude to not do it. I think the sentiment was more to be able to share the initial surprise/reaction with their friends when they saw the present that was brought. I know that I LOVE being there when my friends open gifts - regardless of whether it’s just 2 of us or a whole party. I couldn’t imagine seeing a bride and groom “display” their pile `o new stuff in a bragging sort of way.
But clearly, do what feels right.

 
42.
Guest Icon
Guest
eisor

It’s not rude. If you want to keep your gifts private, then that is your prerogative. If your SIL wants to know that badly, she can come over after the honeymoon and look at your gifts.

 
43.
Guest Icon
Guest
Julie

From a rudeness standpoint, it is probably more inconsiderate for you to open gifts in front of everyone (even though it is very common). While showers are known to be the type of event where you are expected to open your gifts (which I hate), I think it might make people feel awkward if you are opening gifts in front of them, based on a standpoint of how much they spent. There can be a HUGE discrepancy in wedding gift amounts… do you want your co-worker who spent $50 on something to feel inadequate or unappreciated when everyone ooohs and aaaahs over the $500 gift from a family member?
Personally, I think it’s always super boring to have to sit around and watch people open gifts, anyway. How excited can you get over a mixing bowl set for someone else?

 
44.
Guest Icon
Guest
Leah

Don’t open it. It’s none of their business to know in the first place.

Christin,
I thought it was the Bride’s in-laws that gave the car and then her dad (Steve Martin) gave the coffee machine.

 
45.
Guest Icon
Guest
Christine

The tradition of a “gift table” is a not only a regional (midwest and southern in my family) but also a generational one. My first marriage was in 1995 (yeah, I’m one of the older Bee’s) and my mother and her friends (young Baby Boomers) insisted on setting up a gift table at my mom’s house. Why? Well, it’s just what Main Line (Phl) ladies did back in the day. I also lived at home so the gifts were already there. Cards were not placed out, only cards indicating “Lenox China Pattern XXX” or “Chantilly Sterling Silver”, etc.

My ex-husband and I did open gifts in front of my side of the family during brunch a few days before the wedding. (His side all gave cash at the wedding and no one told me about that tradition so the country club manager had to find a plastic bag from the pro shop to hold the envelopes - *classy* - but that’s another story!).

Testing the waters with a few brunch guests then discussing with your FI and SIL sound like the best steps to take. While you may think it gauche, your beloved guests just want to share in your joy as you open well-chosen and thoughful gifts that will help you and your FI start your new lives together.

Congratulations and best of luck to you.

 
46.
Guest Icon
Guest
Iris

Christine has a point. I’ve seen this done well in the south (plantation manor kind of style; picture that scene in “Father of the Bride” w/ Steve Martin & Diane Keaton at the gift table in their dining room; maybe also in Steel Magnolias?) and also at a laid-back outdoor reception hosted by a warm multigenerational Puerto Rican family (lots of love and positive comments from everyone about every gift opened, whatever its value). So there are exceptions.

 
47.
Guest Icon
Guest
BaghdadBride

It actually use to be quite common for all of the wedding gifts to be displayed in the house before the wedding and people would come by to look at what was given. This is still done in a lot of “society” families, amongst the royals, and in certain parts of the country. You can see an example of this in the classic movie “The Philadelphia Story” where the key event is the wedding of a philadelphia socilite played by Katharine Hepburn. So etiquette wise it’s completely appropriate to display the gifts and not rude. But manners and etiquette are all meant to make people comfortable and put them at ease and if displaying your gifts makes you uncomfortable or you think opening them would make others feel uncomfortable then don’t do it!

 
48.
Guest Icon
Guest
Meg

Personally, I don’t think it’s rude at all! You should do whatever you and your future hubby are comfortable with. I’m skipping the whole “day-after” brunch. Our wedding is on Friday night, and we are leaving Saturday for the honeymoon. Saturday morning will be a nice, relaxing morning… we’ll probably have breakfast at the hotel and then go home and open our gifts.

 
49.
Guest Icon
Guest
anna

i don’t know why it’s anyone’s business what you and your husband receive as wedding gifts. i think it’s rude to expect people to put things like that on display. i say stick to your gut instinct, and not someone’s perception of what is proper.

 
50.
Guest Icon
Guest
BD

Public gift displays are one of the few items from Emily Post that I’m glad have mostly disappeared….it just seems tacky to me! It also sounds like your SIL got you something really good and wants everyone to know. You have to decide what will put the most people at ease, and then do that.

 
51.
Guest Icon
Guest
kesm

I’ve never heard of anyone ever opening or displaying opened gifts at the day-after brunch. nor have i ever been to a brunch where that was done. It must be a regional/generational thing because I’ve never heard of public gift opening at anything except a bridal shower (which I HATE). It seems rude and pretentious to me, plus, who has time to open the gifts until after the honeymoon?!?

But you probably shouldn’t tell her that it’s rude… that won’t go anywhere towards good family relations!! Why not say something more like “We are having a brunch so we can say goodbye to our guests, and we feel that by spending that time opening gifts, we are losing valuable time better spent with loved ones.” would that work?

 
52.
Guest Icon
Guest
K

Can you make this into a poll? I don’t have time to read all the responses and surmise what the consensus was….

but I too what to know what the ‘proper’ thing to do would be, because I seriously can not think/stress over one more item

(we’re at the four month mark where money is flying out of our hands faster than we can make it… can you tell, I’m a little stressed)

 
53.
Guest Icon
Guest
Kelly

Displaying the gifts is rude only because there will be a number of guests who will have sent you gifts prior to the wedding and presumably, you aren’t going to haul the opened gifts to your wedding then display them with the others.

 
54.
Guest Icon
Guest
Amanda

I think it would be weird to show them off during the brunch as well. It should be more of a thanks-for-coming brunch, not a look-what-i-got brunch. The guests will know you received and opened their gifts when you send your thank you notes. If they’re so interested (i.e. your SIL), they can come visit you at your house/apartment to see your cool new stuff.

I don’t know when the brunch thing became popular, but I don’t even want to have a brunch the day after, but some of my family seems to want to. I think the rehearsal dinner & wedding will be plenty! We’ll want to high-tail it out of there the day after and RELAX:-P

 
55.
Guest Icon
Guest
Julie

Invite people over after the wedding as couples/individually for drinks or desserts and let them see your new items in your home and in use instead of opening them in front of them. That way, they can see how useful their gift was and not just how pretty the packaging was.

 
56.
Guest Icon
Guest
Miss Snow Pea

Okay, so I am totally late in responding to this post being you’re already married! Just wanted to say that I have never heard of the custom but find it fascinating.

Mr. snow pea’s aunt is Irish and told me that her mom insisted she open her gifts and display them in the dining room as she received them and there was a little place card displayed with the name of the giver. (Just like in father of the bride)

 


You can also just...

Newer blog post
more in Blog
Older blog post
Newer blog post by Mrs. Pumpkin
more by Mrs. Pumpkin (oldest)
Older blog post by Mrs. Pumpkin
Visit our sister sites Project Wedding
Wedding Songs
eHarmony Advice
Dating Advice
JustMommies
Pregnancy Calendar
Fertile Thoughts
Infertility Support
Copyright 2004-2009, eHarmony, Inc., Advertise
 


Sponsors
Mrs. Pumpkin
Mrs. Pumpkin Mrs. Pumpkin, Saskatchewan, Canada Blogger Since: April 10, 2007 Age and Occupation: 28, Lawyer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Farmer Engagement Date: July 14, 2006 Wedding Date: June, 2007 About Me: I love movies, music and I am addicted to TV. When I have some spare time I also love scrapbooking and making personalized greeting cards and above all playing Hide & Seek or Duck, Duck, Goose with my two adorable nieces!
Weddingbee PRO
 
Boards
 
Classifieds
 

Blog Calendar
November 2009
SunMonTueWedThuFriSat
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930

Weddingbee Bios
Wiki
More