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Dear Weddingbee:
I just got engaged 2 weeks ago. We told my parents that weekend and they are ecstatic. My mom and I already started planning for a wedding we said would occur late next summer.
The FI’s parents are a slightly different story. As immigrants that aren’t fully assimilated into the American culture, they were never ecstatic that he was dating a girl that wasn’t the same ethnicity as him (even though we are both East Asian.) The FI has been dropping hints that he’s getting married, as he hasn’t been able to tell them fully yet, but the vibe he got back was “not now.” After suggesting that he was thinking of getting married next summer, his mother stated that it was too soon and she would prefer that we delay it until 2009 so that she can “get to know me” better; even though there hasn’t been much of an attempt the last few years and she’s grown accustomed to her only son dating someone outside of their ethnicity.
Now the FI asked if we should just go make it legal. I fought him on it, saying that it doesn’t seem right to just go get married in a civil ceremony and still have the full on wedding later (and possibly 2 years later). He said I don’t understand, and I can’t get it across to him that I take the vows that are recited very seriously and I don’t want to have to be thinking when the officiant says “do you take this man” the words “again” shouldn’t be running through my head. My other fear is that the FI hates parties and any kind of pomp and circumstance, which hurts my wedding planning heart, and if we just go “make it legal” like he would prefer, I’ll never get the wedding I’ve dreamed about or have the moments with my mom and friends that make wedding planning fun.
I will consider moving the wedding back to 2009, but my family (who outnumbers his roughly 10-1) was already amped up to have the wedding next year, and I’d hate to disappoint them. In the end I just want to marry this man… but not necessarily down at the courthouse. I feel like I’m being selfish but I’ve always wanted that picture perfect wedding day. What do I do? Has anyone else married in a civil ceremony first and then had a full blown wedding years later? Or did you wind up never having the wedding, like I fear? 2008 is the perfect year for us to get married, but any delay I fear will keep the wedding from happening in the first place because of his aversion to public parties, but I also don’t want to upset my future MIL.
I am very lost. I’m keeping a happy face but it’s hurting me badly inside that all my dreams seem to be slipping away.
anonymous
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