Hot Searches:

Tags on this Entry

Tags:
 

Sponsors

Your Graphic Ad Here

 

 
Open Question's Picture
Open Question About: Do you have a question for the Weddingbee community? Please email us at ask@weddingbee.com with your question!
About Open Question

Open Question: Uninvited Guests

June 26th, 2007 @ 6:31 pm by Open Question

We are having an intimate 80-90 person wedding in two months. The invitations were mailed last week. Because of our desire to keep the event small-ish and the size of our reception location, we did not include “& guest” invitations, and only invited husbands & wives / extremely long term significant others.

Last night we received a phone call from FI’s uncle, requesting if his 23-year-old daughter’s boyfriend (of six months) could come. See, said uncle is viewing the wedding as a family reunion (as we had previously agreed to toast to FI’s grandparent’s 65th-wedding anniversary at the rehearsal dinner). He said that this would be a good opportunity for the family to meet the new boyfriend and “we should at least invite him to the rehearsal dinner.”

I’m completely torn … angry and feeling very imposed upon, wanting to stand my ground since we’ve had such a hard time with the wedding thus far, but also hesitant to be termed “the bit&#%%”.

HELP! (And, just to give you an idea of how out of control this has gotten … our rehearsal dinner invitation list is already 60 people due to the fact that FI’s mother is inviting everyone to celebrate her parent’s anniversary)

Emily

22 Responses to “Open Question: Uninvited Guests”

1.
norcalbruin says:

Ask your uncle if he is willing to pay for the new bf. If not, then the answer is a no. I hate to sound like a Bridezilla but he’s not paying for your wedding (I am assuming) so it’s wrong for people to impose like that just because they are family.

6/26/07 at 6:46 pm (reply)
2.
aoedorothee says:

mannn… sux that he put you in that situation, but just stay strong and just say no. if it helps, ask your mom to tell him no for you. just be your nice and sweet self and just tell him, “noooo, sorry uncle! we’ve invited specifically only people whom we already know. maybe he can come to the next family gathering.”

6/26/07 at 6:55 pm (reply)
3.
Miss Butterscotch says:

Stand your ground! But be understanding. A boyfriend of 6 months can stay home. I am a firm believe of its your day so you have final say.

6/26/07 at 6:57 pm (reply)
4.
Miss Snow Pea says:

Nicely just say we can only hold so many ppl so no, sorry. It will soon be forgotten and no one will be angry. He can always meet up afterwards with you all.

6/26/07 at 7:00 pm (reply)
5.
tofu says:

i think your FI should tell his uncle the venue is small and at capacity and therefore can not accomodate one more. as for “at least” inviting the new bf to rehearsal, just say no can do, that you’re already way over. good luck!

6/26/07 at 7:05 pm (reply)
6.
Fran says:

perhaps you could also mention your policy (only spouses and significant others) and it wouldn’t be fair to the other guests to make exceptions.

6/26/07 at 7:08 pm (reply)
7.
L8Blmr says:

I agree with Fran. Tell him inviting the bf would only open the floodgates & create an awkward situation with other guests. Be firm but kind. He’ll understand…and if he doesn’t, he’ll get over it.

6/26/07 at 7:14 pm (reply)
8.
Kamy says:

I would definitely say no. It’s your day, not your cousins and not your grandparents.

6/26/07 at 7:50 pm (reply)
9.
historygeek says:

Has the uncle thought about how awkward this might be for his daughter’s boyfriend, having to meet a bunch of people he doesn’t know all at once? My bf of two-and-half years has not attended anything with me that he hasn’t been invited to. No reunions, no weddings, no bar mitzvahs, nothin! Be nice in breaking the news, but I think your uncle is out of line here.

6/26/07 at 7:55 pm (reply)
10.
Pencils says:

You’re not the bitch here, your uncle is out of line. A boyfriend of six months is not a life partner, and your wedding is not a family reunion. It’s a wedding. Yes, lots of family are there, but you guys are paying for it, not the family. Tell your uncle that you’re on a very, very tight budget and that you have already told other people in similar situations “no” and you can’t make an exception. Besides, you know what might happen? Your cousin will spend the wedding canoodling and showing off with the new boyfriend, and no one will talk to him anyway.

6/26/07 at 7:55 pm (reply)
11.
Jen says:

We’re in a similar situation - you HAVE to stand your ground and let them know that the site only hold x amount of people. Fib if you have to on the amount already invited and/or the number the site will hold. Don’t ask if Uncle will pay for the BF because what if he actually does? That could also open the floodgates and make you look a little more bridezilla-ish. People may start to say “Oh, Emily make us pay for BF to come.” Good luck!

6/26/07 at 7:58 pm (reply)
12.
Jen says:

BTW, why should you at least invite him to the rehearsal dinner? Hello? He’s a 6-month BF. Not a 1 year. Besides which, if I remeber 23 year old guys correctly, he doesn’t want to come. It’s probably the GF that wants him there.

6/26/07 at 8:00 pm (reply)
13.
Miss Peppermint says:

I agree with the consensus–it’s your wedding and they should understand. Don’t be afraid to stand your ground. As to the rehearsal dinner, who is hosting? I don’t think you owe him an invite by any means, but if your FMIL is hosting, I’d let it be her prerogative…

6/26/07 at 8:02 pm (reply)
14.
lynn says:

I have to add that I don’t think you should say it only holds x amount of people if that isn’t the reason- that is transparent (unless it’s true!)

best of luck

6/26/07 at 8:05 pm (reply)
15.
Amanda says:

yikes! I agree with fran too. make sure he knows that’s your policy for everyone, not just his daughter, and that you are not able to have additional dates because of the size of the venue (if that is the case, like lynn said). It would be a little embarassing if it was totally obvious the place could hold 200. Not that you should have to explain yourself, as it’s you and your FI’s wedding, and you’re paying for it.

That’s crazy about your rehearsal dinner… We were afraid ours was going to turn into that with all of FI’s out of town relatives (90% of them are) - but we limited it to just wedding party, parents, & dates. When we factored in all the out of town relatives it would be almost half of the guest list for the next day! Which is what it sounds like for you…
Out of curiosity, is your FI’s mom paying for the rehearsal dinner? I hope it’s not you guys - that’s a lot of mouths to feed!

6/26/07 at 8:21 pm (reply)
16.
Iris says:

Agree w/ all postings above. Most likely the daughter wasn’t willing to come w/o her bf, so that’s why uncle asked. If you stand your ground and say, “no, sorry, space is limited, so we had to set our policy,” it’s possible she won’t come either, but that’s her choice.

6/26/07 at 8:51 pm (reply)
17.
brendalynn says:

Sucky situation. If I were you, I think I would explain your overall reasoning to your uncle (this is your wedding/not a reunion and you’d like to keep it small)–and if he doesn’t immediately rescind his request–then I would opt toward being the bigger person and “giving in.”

Only because two wrongs don’t make a right. Yes, it’s not at all polite for a guest to invite others–but someone has to repair the situation. And if you can be super-gracious about this (and sweetly let him know that you’re really bending over backwards for him), then you come out shining.

If you wanted to, you could also reiterate that you are trying to keep this a really small wedding, but if you receive any negative RSVPs, you’ll be glad to invite the boyfriend (or let the uncle know at that point).

I know it’s a total pain to be carefully following etiquette rules to the T–only to have someone insist on putting you in a bind. But I think it’s better to stand strong first & then be the bigger person.

6/26/07 at 8:56 pm (reply)
18.
Jennifer says:

It’s not a family reunion it’s a wedding. Thin Line but it there is a line

IT’S YOUR WEDDING. Don’t let other people do whatever they want to with YOUR WEDDING.

The wedding isn’t about the new boyfriend meeting the family. It’s not to celebrate someone else’s anniversary. It’s your wedding. It’s quite rude what they are doing.

Stand your ground. Explain your situation. If anything if I was your mother-in-law-to-be I’d be glad my daughter-in-law-to-be isn’t a push-over.

Best of Luck

6/26/07 at 9:38 pm (reply)
19.
Manda says:

I like the “if I let you, I have to let everyone” response. It’s true. You don’t want to be favoring your guests, but I also agree with brendalynn. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and even if it’s frustrating or not what you want…there is no need to stress out and freak out over it and no need to remain the bad guy. Who knows, by the time your wedding roles around they might not even be dating anymore!

6/27/07 at 9:36 am (reply)
20.
Lionsaoi says:

Tell them no…and don’t be apologetic about it, either. (Nice is good, though.)

1. Even if this is a “family reunion” a boyfriend isn’t family. At all. So, he has no business being there.

2. It’s an intimate affair. You have the right to keep it small.

3. Others’ feelings. If you make this exception, even if no one else asks, feelings will be hurt at the wedding. (Because someone always notices.)

So, be firm and polite and tell them no.

6/27/07 at 9:37 am (reply)
21.
Emily Cheramie says:

Thanks to EVERYONE for their advice! It means a lot. I was tearing my hair our over this one (and it’s really just the tip of a very big iceberg!) FI and I discussed the situation last night and agreed to call his uncle and let him know that we simply can’t make one exception, otherwise we’ll have to face additional situations like this. We will suggest that the family gets together for lunch on Saturday to meet the boyfriend, since our wedding isn’t until 5 p.m. (And, as a side note, FI received an e-mail from his mother - a day too late - warning him that his uncle would be calling and saying “I passed him along to you to deal with”. Uhm, thanks!)

6/27/07 at 9:43 am (reply)
22.
Top 5 Wedding Blog Posts of the Week! — Our Wedding Plus says:

[…] 2. This blog post deals with one of the major problems that pretty much every couple has to deal with…the uninvited guest. You invite your cousin and she asks if she can bring her new boy friend. Or, you want to have an adult only reception and someone from out of town asks you for an exception to bring their kids. You get the idea. Checkout the post from Weddingbee this week called “Open Question: Uninvited Guests” […]

9/7/07 at 11:46 pm (reply)


You can also just...