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Okay, so let me be honest here. I do not consider myself to be a Christian. I was baptized in the Episcopalian Church since my father’s family is Episcopalian, but religion was never very important to my family. I think my parents only baptized me because of pressure from my grandparents. I grew up in a very secular family and it has certainly had an impact on me. When I was younger, I was curious about religion so I went to several different kinds of churches with my friends from school, but nothing ever really made sense to me. I started going to a Unitarian church with my older sister in my early twenties, and it was probably the closest I have ever come to adopting a religion.
Mr. Radish also considers himself to be agnostic, and yet we are having a Catholic wedding. You may wonder why, so I will try my best to explain our reasoning.
Mr. Radish’s parents are devout Catholics and he is the youngest of their six children. My future father-in-law actually attended seminary school for a couple of years before he decided that he wanted to marry Mr. Radish’s mother and become a math professor instead. Mr. Radish is named after a French-Canadian monk (who has been nominated for sainthood) whose heart is preserved in a jar in Quebec City. His parents make a pilgrimage to see this heart in a jar every year. Anyway, I guess my point is that their beliefs are very important to them and they made it known early on in our engagement that they were hoping for, as my future mother-in-law put it, a “holy matrimony.”
Now at first I said absolutely not. It seemed completely ridiculous to have a religious ceremony when neither of us are religious people, and I wanted to have a secular, outdoor ceremony or get married in a Unitarian church, as my sister did. BUT — after some very careful consideration, I changed my mind.
Mr. Radish grew up going to church every single Sunday of his life until he went off to college. Though he considers himself an agnostic, he says that he still sees value in much of the Catholic/Christian tradition and he doesn’t completely disavow it, he just looks at it in another way. Basically, he agrees with many of the messages of Christianity but he just doesn’t believe that Jesus was the son of God or that God necessarily exists in the way that the world’s major monotheistic religions view him. Rather, he believes that Christianity is just one interpretation of the mysteries of life and that no one particular religion is the “true” one, but they are all right in their own ways.
Mr. Radish is a cultural anthropologist, after all, and he was an exchange student in Thailand for a semester with a Buddhist host family, so it’s easy to see how he has come to this all-inclusive way of thinking. I guess it’s the same way I see things, except that I don’t know quite as much about the Bible or other religions as he does.
So, in the end I decided that since Mr. Radish and I have no specific views on religion we would honor his parents’ wishes and have a Catholic ceremony. My family couldn’t care less about what kind of ceremony we had, but it is soooo important to his parents… and he is their baby after all. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, though, and I hope we are making the right decision. I think the way I keep justifying it to myself is by remembering that our wedding is just as much about our families as it is about us, and all we are doing is honoring their tradition.
The one thing that I was absolutely firm on, however, is that we are not having a full Nuptial Mass. I felt like that was going too far, not to mention, since I was not baptized or confirmed in the Catholic church I am not allowed to take communion. And that would be weird for the bride to not fully participate in her own ceremony, right? Not to mention my side of the aisle would have no idea what to do and they would probably be very confused by all of the kneeling and standing.
Anyway, so what are the hive’s thoughts on this… Are we terrible for succumbing to family pressures? Is anyone else having a religious ceremony that they don’t really believe in? Or are there any inter-faith couples out there who are trying to decide which faith to be married in?
This post could not have come at a more appropriate time. Sad to say that my fiance and I are in full-battle mode over what kind of ceremony to have– it’s actually been quite heartbreaking. Well, I guess I thought he and I were in agreement until his parents said that they had to have it a very specific, certain way. My fiance doesn’t know what to do and I know that I don’t want it their way. It’s hard to figure out when to compromise, what to compromise on, and when you’re losing yourself/gaining a family in the process.
It sounds like you guys are really comfortable with your decision and that is awesome. Don’t worry about feeling hypocritical– you did what was best for you and your families and that is all anyone can ask of you.
i think you made the right decision.
you shouldn’t always cave to family pressures but the reasons you listed - the parents’ tradition, FH’s experience, and your not being strongly tied to any one particular religion - points to giving in on this one. i think you especially made the compromise tilt more towards the middle when you put your foot down on the full nuptial mass.
you know, give a little, take a little?
kudos on handling the situation with such class and grace!
I’m in the same situation. My parents are devout Catholics, though I stopped going years ago. He’s Protestant but neither he or his family are religious at all. My parents asked if we could get married in a Catholic Church, and since neither of us really have strong feelings about it, we agreed. In the end, as long as someone is marrying us, that’s all I really care about!
Exact same situation here (minus the heart in a jar or the Buddhist monk, but the rest is pretty eerie…). We had to make the same decision and as my fiance is the first rather than the last, we decided to not go with a Catholic service, but instead with a very inclusive generically Christian ceremony that doesn’t say anything that anyone in our families would disagree with.
Reason being, I just wasn’t comfortable making promises in a Catholic Church that I had no intention of keeping nor believed in. I don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God (my religious background is Jewish/Bahai’i/Unitarian/Transendentalist) and for my fiance’s family it was the whole nuptial mass or nothing in the Catholic church. So nothing it is and we’ll have something that everyone can feel comfortable with. God will be present in our ceremony and so will our values/beliefs as a joint couple.
Ha, this was us. I’m agnostic and FI was raised Catholic, but not so much practicing. Despite the non-practicing, he works at a Catholic school, and we decided to just make it easier and have a Catholic wedding. It’s kind of annoying because I don’t know what I’m saying/doing most of the time, but I am reading up on it, which help tremendously. Good luck!
Neither of our parents are concerned with a religuos ceremony but my grandfather whose memory is starting to go asks everytime it comes up, “Why are’nt you getting married in the Church? Who’s going to marry you?” These questions always make me laugh because while both I and my grandfather were raised catholic and while we attended Church together every sunday of my childhood, he has suddenly changed religions. So why would he care if I’m married in a church and which one does he expect me to marry in? Anyhow, our ceremony will be outdoors and there won’t be any mention of religion at all but I think it’s different for everyone. Both weddings i attended this summer were very religious and both couples were very happy and the ceremonies fit them. I think its important to represent you as a couple and as a family and if his family is intent I think you have made a great decision especially by not holding full mass. Best of luck to you!
I don’t see anything really wrong with it as long as you and your fiance and the officiant marrying you are all fine with it. I have one question though, I have never actually attended a Catholic ceremony but have heard that during this type of ceremony, the bride and groom have to promise that they will raise any children arising from the marriage in the Catholic church - won’t this be a problem for you? I’m just curious how this will be handled in your case.
I understand the pressure and made a different choice than you did. My mother is Anglican but never raised my siblings or I in the church and she regrets it now and wanted to “make up for it” by having me get married at her church. Unfortunately, I am very comfortable in my atheist beliefs and my fiance is not Christian either. We felt very uncomfortable with the idea of getting married in a church and including God in our vows because for us, that would mean we didn’t believe in our own vows in their entirety. Plus I’ve wanted a garden wedding for as long as I can remember and I was not prepared to give that up. My mom is heartbroken but we stuck to our guns on this one. I am sorry that it is disappointing to her, but I think the biggest part of the problem for me is that she wants me to marry in the church to kind of fix her “mistake” in not taking us to church when we were young. I don’t feel like using my wedding to de-guilt my mom of her parenting method, you know? That’s not what it’s about. It’s a choice she made that she needs to make peace with on her own.
Planning our wedding, I learned a lot about the Catholic wedding process…
In your case, there shouldn’t be any debate about mass; I can’t imagine there would be any priest who would insist on a full nuptial mass. The mass weddings are only for when both the groom & bride are Catholic (& current on all their preceding sacraments — first communion, confirmation), for the exact reason you suggest: it would be weird for them to not both participate. Communion is the first act they do together as husband & wife, since it’s right after the vows.
Anyhoo, hope this helps alleviate one concern!
My husband and I were married in a Jewish ceremony by a rabbi. He’s Jewish, although not religious, and I’m also not religious at all, but I was raised Episcopalian. Our only religious parent is my mom, who is quite active in her Episcopalian parish, she is also interested in theology and has taken many classes. At first I figured we’d get a judge, or possibly a priest friend of my mom’s to marry us, but then my husband asked if we could have a Jewish ceremony. His mother passed away from breast cancer this past Thanksgiving, and I know she would have liked her son to be married by a rabbi. So even though she wasn’t able to be there, the ceremony was to honor her. And, once I read up about the Jewish ceremony, I really liked it, I like the symbolism of many of the elements. It was a wonderful ceremony. PS–my mom thought it was great. She did two readings, one from the New Testament, one from the Old.
I’d say you’re a much bigger person than I am! Mr. Blueberry and I are both agnostic atheists (we believe that you can’t really know if any god exists, so we choose not to believe in any –basically) and his parents are very devout Lutherans. They don’t know he’s not a Lutheran, but they didn’t really put up a complaint about our wedding ceremony since they know I’m not religious–they just assumed the reason it was secular was all my doing. But I know they would’ve been much happier if we’d had a full Lutheran ceremony. I couldn’t have gone against my (lack of) beliefs, though. To me, it would have been just as out-of-place if we’d had a Hindu ceremony, or a Jewish one, etc. They’re all fine religions, they’re just not *mine*.
How typical (or atypical) do you think it is for most people today to share the same religious beliefs as their parents? Even though there has been a huge increase in interfaith marriages, I think there has probably also been an increase in marriages where the couple believe the same thing, but which is vastly different from the parents’ beliefs.
My FI is Jewish, and I am Christian. I was actually raised in a very evangelical home, and while I still consider myself Christian, I am definitely not evangelical. My FI’s family is not religious, but mine is. We are getting married on neutral ground, but we are having a minister and a rabbi in order to honor both families and both traditions.
I say what ever you and your fiance decide on is the right thing to do. You two are the ones getting married. Dont worry about seeming hypocritical, it isnt about that, it is about what is right for you two as a couple!
But my one question is have you found a church to marry you in? I was raised Catholic and I am marrying a Jewish man, we are getting married by a Christian Reverend in an outdoor ceremony that will include elements of both Christianity, Catholicism and Judiasm. Anyway, when we first looked into getting married in the Catholic church, there was no way since my FI is jewish and was not going to convert. I never know what the deal with this is - maybe it varies from church to church. In the one that I was raised in, if you were not baptised catholic - you cannot get married in it. Good Luck!
(I’ll start this out by saying that I am a former Roman Catholic–now UU. I don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God either, nor do I believe in the trinity. Also, in general, I do believe that weddings are about more than just the couple.) However, the ceremony itself is the one thing that I think should be about the participants. If marriage is about making an honest, open committment to one another, then shouldn’t it be done in an honest manner? If Mr. Radish’s parents are really that devout, aren’t they concerned that you are having a ceremony that you don’t fully believe in? Do they know that Mr. Radish does not believe that Jesus was the son of God? Which means that Mr. Radish does not believe in Jesus’ divine nature–fully man and fully God. That goes against the most basic tenets of Roman Catholicism. If I were Mr. Radish’s parents, I would be more concerned if my son wanted to have a Catholic ceremony than if he didn’t–in the sense that it is not respectful of other people’s very real beliefs. I mean, it would be like taking communion in a Catholic church if you are not Catholic. I would never take communion at mass anymore, because I don’t believe in transubstantiation. I would at least think that the priest wouldn’t agree to marry two people, neither of whom believe in the most basic tenets of Roman Catholicism. If Mr. Radish’s parents know and accept his religious beliefs, why don’t you sit down and discuss having a ceremony that would respect everyone’s beliefs? May be you could have your UU ceremony with Mr. Radish’s parents’ priest participating in some way? So, I say may be you should reconsider your initial reservations.
P.S. Anyway, just another heads up, because I think a lot of people are surprised and offended when they hear some of the Catholic rules, so better to hear in advance:
For a Catholic wedding where one party is Catholic and the other is not, so far as I’ve learned, the Catholic party has to get “permission” from the church to marry a non-Catholic. (”Disparity of cult” or “permission for mixed marriage” are phrases you might hear.)
I believe the rationale is primarily for full disclosure, as part of the pre-cana process. The wedding format and disclosures can become an issue if, God forbid, there is ever a divorce and Catholic petition for declaration of annulment. So anyway, there is a lot of emphasis on dotting the i’s and cross the t’s in preparing for the marriage and in solemnizing the marriage. I’m sure other religions might have similar rules, or even stricter ones.
Just offering some background because the rules can seem confusing without the big picture.
I think you made the right decision. You don’t really care and his parents really do care so why not? I know we had a hard time too. We couldn’t even find a church that would marry us without converting. Finally, we found a church that we love and a Pastor that we love.
I think you guys are making the right decision to honor FH’s parent’s wishes. My FH and I were raised Catholic, he went to Catholic school his whole life and we are getting married in a Protestant Community Church. The reason is, this is FH’s second marriage and he was already married in a Catholic church and since we are not religious people at all [only go to church for weddings, funerals, etc.] we didn’t care to try and get married in the church anyway. I even told FH that I’d get married at the RH, but he wanted me to walk down a church aisle. The church we are getting married in is gorgeous and marries people of different faiths as long as one person is Christian. Good luck to you! I think you are making a good decision!
Iris —- thanks for the tips and warnings. I forgot to mention in my post that this was something we decided about a year ago, as we are only 2 months from our wedding date now. We have already done Pre Cana and gone through all the necessary paperwork and whatnot.
Mr. Radish’s parents wanted a full mass, and our preist said he would do it if we insisted — but since I, nor my family, is Catholic he strongly advised against it.
I was not asked to make any promises to the church since I am the non-Catholic party (I guess that means my promises aren’t valued?) but Mr. Radish did have to promise that he “would to the best of his ability raise our children as Roman Catholics.”
If I had to make that promise, I don’t think I could’ve gone through with it… but Mr. Radish is used to lying to Priests. I know that sounds awful, but it’s true!!! It doesn’t even phase him anymore. I guess he saw it as a “white lie” and to be honest, the Priest that we had to do our marriage preperation stuff with (out here in Chicago) knows that we are really doing this for his family, so he didn’t even make a big deal of it and he told me right off the bat that he thinks a lot of the churches rules are archane and that he would change them if he could. So, I guess it made me more comfortable with it since he was very understanding.
I have to admit, I do think it is a little hypocritical to get married in a Church that you do not believe in. Further to that, I am very surprised that a Priest would be willing to marry you if neither of you believed in God or the religion? I know that often couples marry in a Place Of Worship if one believes and the other does not - but not when both don’t believe - I have to wonder if you have both been honest with the Priest about what you believe in and what you do not believe in.
Anyhoo…just my two cents 
Ok - Miss Radish, I just read your last comment…I do think it sounds terrible that your fiancé would lie to a Priest (whether or not he thinks it is just a “white lie”) Personally, I wouldn’t want to have to lie to get married somewhere…I think you guys should seriously reconsider… why would you both sacrifice what you believe in (or not believe in) - honestly, what type of hold could his parents possibly have on you to cause you to do this???
JMHO!
I agree with Kat, but only for myself. 
In other words, I refuse to get married in the Catholic Church. But its because I actively decided to be Catholic AND actively decided not to be based on where it looks to me that the Church is going.
(In my experience this is different from most people who aren’t religious as adults - like my siblings - who did all the church things in their childhood without thinking about it, and then went off on their own and stopped thinking about it to the point of not longer going to church. Does that make sense?)
So for me, getting married at a Catholic Church would be a slap in the face at my choices. And I would really be uncomfortable. But my siblings and my fi would all be willing to get married in the Catholic Church because they never were too serious about it, so the “lying” isn’t a big deal, its just one more sacrament that they are in line for and they are saying what they are told to. And I wouldn’t judge them for that anymore then I judged them when getting confirmed.
However, my grandparents and his parents are very upset by this. (GPs tried to bride me into a Catholic ceremony!) My parents are more upset about me not being Catholic anymore…their priorities being a little more in line, in my opinion.
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Mrs. Radish, Chicago/Syracuse Age and Occupation: 27, Executive Assistant/Journalism Student/Musician Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Anthropologist/Musician Engagement Date: December 20, 2005 Wedding Date: August 18, 2007 Blogging Since: June 26, 2007 Venue: The Wellington House in Fayetteville, NY About Me: Mr. Radish and I are both from upstate New York, so we are planning a wedding in Syracuse from about 700 miles away. When I’m not obsessing about our wedding I play the cello in my band (which Mr. Radish is in too), read as much as I can, sleep even more, travel whenever possible, and try to find time to have fun with my friends. I’m also working on finishing up my journalism degree with a concentration in environmental reporting and I’m the VP of my campus Amnesty International chapter… so I’m a pretty busy bee.
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