Wedding Blog
We have a guest dilemma. Because our best man’s wife is on long-term assignment in Europe, he usually brings along his good buddy “Joe” when we hang out. BM was just married and will take the honeymoon right after our wedding, so his wife can’t make the trip. We totally understand this, but now our BM has said that because he’s traveling to HI (our wedding destination), Joe will be coming along so that they can go scuba and hang out. We are feeling awkward about Joe being on the island and not coming to the wedding and aren’t sure how to handle this. BM just mentioned this in a conversation and said that Joe could just do something else the night of the wedding. He did not ask if Joe could come.
A little background: We are having a very intimate, destination wedding. With a huge family, it’s been a painful process to keep the list under 40. We’ve only invited immediate family/dear friends. We like Joe, but have just recently begun to get to know him better. Before, he was constantly on his mobile, or not really interested in conversation. He has brought up the wedding several times and because we knew he was not invited, we kept it short because we didn’t want to be rude. Before we found out he’d be coming with BM, BM mentioned to us that Joe was disappointed that he “didn’t make the cut” and was kind of whining about it. We were surprised, given that he didn’t seem to really notice us before. He can also be a bit of a whiner and told us once that he was miffed because a friend didn’t invite him to his daughter’s bat mitzvah – even though he hadn’t seen them in 10 years and didn’t know the daughter. He complained until the friend extended an invitation.
One more bit – he went on a date with one of my dearest friends. It went well, he tried to kiss her (she didn’t let him), he asked if he could call her and then never contacted her or asked about her again. A month later, he was going to Spain to stay with a woman he referred to as his “girlfriend”. I’m sure she’d be fine, but I’d hate for my friend to feel uncomfortable with him there as she is very important to me.
I know this is a lot of information, but I need help! I feel like if we don’t invite him, when we see him again it will be very awkward, since he hangs out w/BM a lot. So much that we joke w/BM that Joe is his mistress. Again, Joe’s a nice guy (other than the dating thing!), but there are about 50 people I’d rather invite than him. It feels weird to ignore the fact that he’s going to be on the island. Honestly, even if the wedding was larger and local, he would not have been on the list. I’m wondering if we should broach the subject w/our BM and apologize that Joe can’t come, and tell him our reasons? Do we owe Joe an explanation if/when we see him? Do we owe anyone an explanation? This is a hard spot and I want to do the right thing but still feel like it’s what we want.
Thanks!
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I doubt if you owe anyone an explanation. He wasn’t invited in the first place, so even if he happens to be on the same island by his own choice, he’s still uninvited. Besides, its Hawaii. He can go surfing instead.
If BM brings it up again, I would say something along the lines of: This is a very intimate event and that you just want to leave it at close friends and family. Unfortunately, we cannot make any exceptions, as it might upset other people who weren’t invited to find out that Joe was there and they weren’t.
I wouldn’t address it unless BM does (either directly or with awkward hints). But really, Joe is a grown man. He can survive one night alone in Hawaii.
I agree. No explanations needed, and you are under no obligation to extend an invitation to him. Just carry on and ignore the whining… if you cut that many important people off the list already, you do not have to feel bad that you didn’t invite him. He will have plenty to do in Hawaii as it is and he can afford to hang out alone for one night! There may be a tiny bit of awkwardness afterward, but it will be pretty short-lived, I think… not enough to warrant an extra invite.
The best man just invited Joe so he’d have some company for the rest of the trip. He hasn’t asked if you can add Joe to the guest list, and in fact sounds very unbothered by the thought of Joe doing his own thing for one night while BM is at your wedding. It sounds like they already have planned things based on him NOT being invited so no need to invite him out of guilt! I don’t think you owe anyone an explanation.
It’s a big island. He’s a big boy. He can tough it out.
i concur with thistleorchid. it’s a big island. heck, he can island hop to the next one. i think he’ll manage.
sorry about the uncomfy situation though. but stick to your guns and be happy!
You’re too nice. :oP I don’t think you owe anyone an explanation. From the beginning you wanted a small wedding and Joe just isn’t close enough to be invited. That’s that and he should deal with it. You didn’t ask him to go to HI, he decided to go on his own knowing your BM would attend your wedding and leave him alone for a night. If he’s bored, it’s up to him to find something to occupy his time rather than put you in a uncomfortable spot.
Don’t invite him, don’t explain to anyone. He’s not really your friend. Your best man chose to invite him to Hawaii, you didn’t. Besides, if he is there, every time you see him at the wedding you’ll feel annoyed thinking about the people who might have been there in his place. You don’t need that. Forget about him and concentrate on planning your wedding. There’s enough stress involved in it without your best man’s mistress!
I say don’t invite him, and don’t bother trying to explain it. you don’t owe anyone an explanation to maintain politeness. If Joe or the BM make an issue of it, it’s they’re problem, not yours.
is everyone staying in the same hotel? it might be awkward for your friends if joe was staying at the hotel with your BM. i would tell the BM to stay somewhere else, and make sure that joe stays away from wedding locations…
There’s really no explanation owed by you. you didn’t invite Joe. He shouldn’t show up. you aren’t uninviting him so it’s not rude.
You can ask the best man “does Joe have plans while you are at the wedding?” or “is Joe going to seek out some great surf spots while you’re at the wedding?” to sorta drop the hint that you aren’t expecting to see Joe AT the wedding.
ditto everyine else. this is YOUR day. you should only have the people with you that you choose. if joe can’t deal with it, that’s his problem! and why should your friend, who IS one of the people dear enough to you to have received an invite, have to feel uncomfortable if he comes?
If I was a groom and the BM is my Best friend- I would invite Joe - BM is spending a ton on airfare, tux etc. I think it’s the least you could do. Sucks, but it would be as a favor to BM not Joe
Although Joe seems like maybe he wants to go to the wedding, so maybe this doesn’t apply…
A friend and I “tagged” along to a wedding in Montreal with some friends. I had never been and they were staying the long weekend. I never expected nor was at ALL insulted that I wasn’t invited to the wedding just because I was there that weekend.
If you wanted to be nice and are having a rd or brunch that isn’t so expensive and you really feel guilty, you can invite him to that.
I was married in Hawaii 1.5 months ago and had 3 very similar dilemmas. My aunt’s mom and sister (they are my uncle’s in-laws) wanted to go to Hawaii and politely invited themselves. Luckily we see them very often and we are of the idea that the more was merrier. They ended up not going due to a last minute emergency but sent a gift and well wishes.
Situation “B” was that my very good friend and her husband brought with them, to Hawaii, her sister and a friend. I didn’t want to exclude them even though I don’t know either one very well but they were very kind and made plans for the same night.
And Situation “C’ my other uncle had a close friend “L” that just came along for the ride. My husband and I had never met her before but thankfully my uncle’s family knew her and my mom and brothers too.
All in all it worked out very well for us and made for a great time. If he makes things awkward then don’t invite him, but if you can squeeze him in, and he’s an appreciative person then invite him. We ended up with 28 people and only expected about 20 when we were planning but looking back, we cannot imagine anything any different because it was seriously the perfect wedding. It’s not worth stressing over and he’ll certiainly talk about the wedding in Hawaii that he was lucky enough to be included in.
Your BM sounds understanding to say Joe could do something else on the wedding night 
and Joe sounds like a big time whiner (yuck!), just let him whine, he’ll get over it. He’s going to HI for a vacation with BM, not for you guys anyways. And is your friend who went on a date with him going to your wedding?
There was a guy who we haven’t spoke to for a while and we didn’t invite him to our wedding. He found out and we read on his blog later that he was really bitter about it. But hey, he got over it! So just enjoy your time in Hawaii, I’m sure you will have a lovely wedding surrounded by people you love and vice versa!
I understand it might feel awkward hanging out with him after the wedding, but if you guys talk about it, you can say it was a “small & intimate” wedding just like you guys wanted it 
It doesn’t sound like anyone is upset at this point about Joe not being invited. I wouldn’t sweat it until there seems to be an issue. At the worst, you *could* invite Joe….your BM is traveling to HI for the wedding, and if most other people will be accompanied by dates, it has the potential to be awkward for him to be the only, of one of the few “single” guests. I know etiquette says if you invite his wife, he shouldn’t bring someone else, but just because it’s your wedding doesn’t mean guests have to be miserable. That being said, I don’t think he sounds too upset about it, so I’d leave it be for the time-being….
It doesn’t sound like you have a problem here…nobody has asked that he be invited and they have specifically said he isn’t coming to the wedding and will have something else to do. You already have enough stresses to worry about with a wedding I wouldn’t spend a second more thinking about how you “might” be offending someone who isn’t even a good friend.
Friends of friends are not intimate family.
Simple that
Nancy Swiezy of A Newport Affaire
I was put in the same situation. I have been invited to the destination wedding of a dear friend. I am not comfortable traveling alone as a single female. I suggested that I would like to bring by best friend so that I would not have to be alone for 3 days , with the exception of the few hours spent at the wedding. I was told they were already at capacity. While I completely understand the budget and space constraints I also really wish that brides and grooms would consider the enjoyment of the wedding guests they invite as well, especially at a destination wedding. Your guests are already spending the money on airfare, hotel, meals, etc. to go to your destination wedding and you then expect them to spend their days and nights by themselves. Completely inconsiderate.
I must say, I could not agree with you in 100%, but it’s just my opinion, which indeed could be wrong.
p.s. You have a very good template . Where did you find it?
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