Wedding Blog
Mr. Kiwi and I spent the 4th of July with his nephews, splashing around in the pool and eating barbecue. Being a Wednesday holiday, the whole day seemed skewed, almost surreal. I kept thinking it was a Sunday! The weirdness continued after dinner, when we were sitting and talking about the wedding.
My FMIL mentioned how cute Spencer will be as our ring bearer, and Spencer’s mother (my future SIL) said, “You want Spencer to be your ring bearer?!” Um, yes? Remember when we asked you a year ago? My future sister in law seemed to think deeply about this, considering how the older brother will feel knowing his little brother is in the wedding, and he isn’t. I must assure you, this was an issue of contention between Mr. Kiwi and I - I didn’t want to hurt any feelings, but we just don’t have a wedding party big enough to warrant more than one ring bearer, and I have no little boys in my family to take the position. Mr. Kiwi was determined to have Spencer, and that was his decision.
Now I’m feeling a tad bit worried and guilty. I love these boys and don’t want any of them to be upset. After feeling bad the first few months of engagement because of various hurt feelings regarding our wedding party, I had finally gotten to what I assumed was the safe point. Now it’s starting all over again! I just feel badly, with the FSIL thinking that because we don’t have children we didn’t think this would cause a problem. Believe me, I know it’s unfair to some of the kids, but it was Mr. Kiwi’s choice. Right now I don’t even know if I want a ring bearer.
|
Share this post: She Had No Idea
Mr. Kiwi needs to address the situation and handle this one. seriously you don’t need the added stress let him handle it and trust he did it adequately enough so there are no hurt feelings then just let it go.
I agree with Katie. If he made the decision, he needs to own up to it.
But, my general opinion about this is that, since there are children involved and the older son would likely have hurt feelings, to just disregard how two ringbearers would LOOK.
even if you are only having one attendant each, two ringbearers would be fine and I’m sure the older son would be very appreciative of being in the wedding. 
If it were an adult, or if there were more than one addition, I’d give the opposite advice, but in this case, I think you should give in and ask the older one as well.
HTH
I was pressured to include my flowergirl’s older brother as a ringbearer because the parents didn’t have a babysitter for him. I really only wanted one ringbearer (my nephew) but now I have two. I was a little annoyed about being strongarmed into it, but there was really no choice so I figured I just need to deal with it and move on.
Younger children rarely get the spotlight- I think it would be kind of nice to let him have it, and just explain to the other brother it’s a little kid job. Maybe you can come up with a big kid job for the older one- like helping the groom get ready, etc.
Hi everyone! Normally, I’d let the older brother in, but then I realized that if we let him in, Mr. Kiwi’s sister would be mad that her son and daughter aren’t in the wedding. You know? It’s like a snowball effect.
There are just too many kids to not hurt someone’s feelings. Perhaps we should just skip the ring bearer all together.
mr. Kiwi is firm in his decision and refuses to change our plans. I’ve left it to him, since like you all said- it is HIS choice!
My husband’s niece and nephew were our flower girl and ring bearer. I was concerned about their older brother feeling left out so he got the job of passing out programs before the ceremony and bubbles afterwards. We also made sure to get him a gift along with the gifts we got for the other 2. I know my SIL appreciated that we made the effort to include all 3 of the kids.
If you are worried about two ring bearers, I like the idea posted above to tell the older boy that it’s a ‘little kid job’ and then find another task for him. That will make him feel grown up and important, while the little guy gets his own moment in the spotlight.
just saw your last post Miss Kiwi - if there are multiple kids, maybe they could all join in the program-passing out? It’s a good job to have several kids participate in. You could even put their names in the program so they feel included.
I agree, I love Helene’s approach. If you need more ways to involve kids, maybe (based on age/maturity) you could have one/two of them be a special “photographer” with a few disposable cameras. Give him/her/them a list of important shots to take. If keeping the kids occupied is a concern, you could even give them a scavenger hunt of shots to get - people signing the guest book, the guest with the longest hair, the cake before it’s cut, a place setting, people giving toasts, etc. Remind them to stay out of the way of the real photog, and let them know how much you will appreciate the special candids. Then, send them postcards from your honeymoon. That will surely satisfy the kids’ parents, too.
Aliya, I’m sure I can get all of the kids to help hand out programs! There are two six year olds and another 4 year old. I’m sure they’ll love it!
There’s lots of other important jobs at a wedding and reception…maybe the older boy can walk some of the people down the aisle, but not stand at the alter. Or perhaps he can hand out the programs…or even open the door for you when the music starts and you begin your walk down the aisle?
At the reception, maybe he can do a toast, or be the official “kid” photographer for the evening, making sure all of the disposable cameras are taken care of or that he takes a photo of every table during the evening.
I would stick to Mr. Kiwi’s decision, one ring bearer and leave it at that. Since there are so many other children in the family, having the big bro would lead to a snowballing effect. I recently “decided” to have 2 flower girls…but they are the only young children in the family and they aren’t throwing petals or really holding the real wedding bands so it was no biggie.
*note-depending on how young he is…my flowergirl is 4 but feels better when her 6 yr brother is there so they are walking together rather than separately. If you should decide to have big brother, add him in the a few weeks before your wedding. Right now there is too much time for “others” to get upset and want to add their kids. *
ok, am i the only person who heard “grow a thicker skin” while growing up?! although i fully understand that a wedding involves two families, that does not mean that the bride and groom must find a role for every young person! i’m sensitive to this since i had to deal with an identical situation as miss kiwi, but honestly! kids might feel a little bummed at first, but by the time they’re dancing at the reception, they won’t care. the hurt feelings are the parents of the kids or the grandparents who want cute pictures of the little ones dressed up! and since those people are adults, they too will get over it. i don’t mean to seem harsh, but if the bride and groom had a role for every member of their families, who would be sitting in the pews?! i think it’s a bit silly, myself.
two boys, two rings
I completely agree with gabzoots. One thing I really regret about our wedding is that I made so many accommodations for my MIL and her family that I feel a bit cheated in many ways. It was *our* wedding ( as in my hubby and I) but I was so concerned about making everyone else (family) happy that I didn’t worry about making myself happy. Miss Kiwi, let Mr. Kiwi handle it and stay out of it. You’ll just get totally stressed out and in the end not everyone will be completely happy, least of all yourself.
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics