Open Question: The Grass Is Always Greener…
July 10th, 2007 @ 12:25 pm by Open Question
Dear Weddingbee,
My wedding is about a month away, and I’m starting to get a little anxious about the big plunge. Suddenly, I find myself being attracted to my fiance’s good friend. Although I’m not seriously entertaining the thought, is this kind of thing normal? Like, some biological pull away from mating for life? There aren’t any red flags in my relationship, and I’ve been able to tell my fiance that I’m feeling nervous about the commitment. He’s been working really hard, and I’m off for the month before the wedding so that might be it. I’d be curious to hear what anxieties/jitters other brides or future brides are having, since I don’t think this subject is talked about much.
Anon
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13 Responses to “Open Question: The Grass Is Always Greener…”
I think it’s not uncommon for brides-to-be to experience some version of “cold feet.” Marriage is a major life decision, and questioning it means that you are thinking about it seriously and not just plunging into it blindly.
With that said, you must evaluate for yourself whether this cold feet stems from a simple case of nerves as the big day approaches or from deeper issues such as fear of commitment.
Also, the best solution for a case of cold feet is a partner who’s understanding enough to accept your honest feelings and does his best to warm your toes right up again to erase any doubts. 
in the weeks before my wedding I started having dreams about a bunch of past crushes/relationships - guys I hadn’t thought of for years. I also had a period of getting really nervous. It was weird but I sort of chalked it up to the same thing - just the impending huge commitment, even if it was one I wanted to make.
My husband was also really busy with work right before the wedding wedding so I know how that can be stressful. I wouldn’t worry too much about it - sounds pretty normal! And the fact that you’re able to talk about it to your fiance is important - just keep sharing your feelings and keep up the communication. Most likely the nerves will disappear as you get closer to the big day, and excitement will take over 
the same thing is happening to me….so don’t feel bad. I have been getting crushes for the past couple weeks, then they go away quickly. last weekend i had a crush on my good friend of 7 years (whom I had never ever thought about in that way before). Literally, it started on Friday then ended on Sunday : ) I was like, wait a minute, I never even gave him a chance. What if? It is actually quite amusing to me. I know I want to marry my betrothed, and there is no one else for me. However, when a person is going through a huge life changing experience (i.e., marriage) it is absolutely normal to second guess yourself and freak out a bit. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be human.
I started having a series of dreams a few months ago about people I had dated years ago (think my bf from my freshman year of HS) and sort of chronologically moved onward over time. I just figured it was my body/brain’s way of putting all of those old relationships to rest, once and for all. Plus, I think it’s natural to evaluate your decision of life parter by comparing him to all the people you could have chosen (especially from among your current stock of friends). It’s only if your fiance doesn’t stack up to the other options that you have trouble….
this is all totally normal, I thought about ex right before our wedding, and it frieked me out. But that is just your mind’s way of taking your deicsion seriously.
Also, another ex boyfriend reached out to me before his own wedding, so I think it happens to guys, too.
My wedding is still over a year away so I can’t speak to how I might feel right before the wedding, but I can tell you that I went through a HUGE freakout immediately upon getting engaged that lasted for three months. I started thinking about exes and looking at guys at work, and though I’d never cheat, I started wondering if Chris could really make me happy forever. I also found that during this period of intense questioning and uncertainty, I was unable to feel love for Chris. I tried so hard to uncover it but I think my feelings and anxieties were in so much flux that I couldn’t recognise the love that was there because I was questioning it so strongly. I almost broke up with him because the questioning was so strong, although I was heartsick at the thought of doing so (this should have been a sign). I just hadn’t worked up the nerve yet to break it off.
Then one day, the questions and anxiety just stopped, and haven’t come back, and ever since I’ve been absolutely fine. I feel very in love with and attracted to Chris and know I’m making the right decision. I think that the freakout was just my way of acknowledging the huge commitment I was deciding to make; it’s normal to question such an important step before you take it. You SHOULD question it, otherwise you’re being too flippant about the choice to marry. I’m so glad I never worked up the nerve to break up with Chris, I would be missing out on a lifetime of love if I had.
I can’t say that this is necessarily exactly what will happen to you. Everyone’s experience is different, but this was mine and I hope it helps you feel less alone.
Crush aside, did you have any doubts before? Do you have any any doubts that go deeper than just having a crush? I really do think that sometimes crushes just happen, and as long as you are actually very in love with your fiance and don’t do anything about it, there is not a problem. But, I’m sorry to spread any gloom and doom, remember that many marriages don’t work out. I know people that have gotten divorced within a year of getting married. They knew they were making a mistake but were afraid to call off the wedding. If you really aren’t sure, but you don’t want to break up with your fiance, push off the wedding. it will be uncomfortable but at least you will either save yourself real heartache (and expenses) later, or you will get married at a later date and be fully sure, committed, and excited to get married.
while i’m sure it’s just nerves, “crushes” - though innocent at first - can develop into something more serious if you don’t nip it in the bud! there’s a really great book by a christian author called “every woman’s battle” that i highly recommend every woman to read. it’ll help you to see your relationship and your man in an entirely new light - one that will strengthen your relationship and keep you on the right track. =)
I think it’s normal too. Being engaged is such a process, and I think it’s important to honor all the feelings you go through during that process. I’ve DEFINITELy been doing a lot of ex-boyfriend pondering, and I really do think it’s my way of sort of saying goodbye to my old self, and preparing to move into my new self/life. There are also several books out there that I’ve found very helpful, namely “The Conscious Bride”, and “Emotionally Engaged: A Bride’s Guide to Surviving the Happiest Time of her Life”. Good luck!
This is very normal, and I’ve had a lot of ex-thinking myself (and the crush or two). I’m pretty sure this is mentioned in The Conscious Bride
My ex-boyfriend (first boyfriend, first love) got married on Saturday. I get married in three months myself - to the second person I have ever dated. Yup, only two - and the first one is now married.
To make things weirder, somehow we planned our weddings within a week of each other’s birthdays. We were always so in sync, it was borderline bizarre. We could finish each other’s sentences and he once told me I knew him better than he knew himself. For some reason, the reality of him getting married hit me pretty hard. Not only was he my first love, but we dated for four years and discussed marriage ourselves. I never saw it coming when he broke my heart and ran off with a girl that lived across the street from him at college. I wasn’t sure I would ever truly get through it. I felt like this person I had known for nearly six years was hiding behind a mask - like I didn’t know him at all. It terrified me and made me leery of having another relationship.
Now, I love my fiance to pieces and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him - no question there. Still, all the emotions rushed back when I thought of him getting married. Someone in a similar situation once said “…it was painful to know the person who taught me that love doesn’t last forever decided that maybe it does after all.” That’s how I felt all weekend. To make matters worse, I helped my family move and came upon a box of mementos from ages ago - including a stack of photos of my ex and I together at the height of our relationship. I was freshly awash with nostalgia for the great times and deep sadness and regret for the way things ended. I started questioning my current relationship and comparing the two. Apples and oranges. It’s not fair or reasonable to do this, of course, but I did it anyway. After a couple of days of feeling strange and a little sad, I started to sort things out in my head a little better. I began to remember the bad times as vividly as the good; the humiliation and cruelty as clearly as the happiness and bliss. Then I thought about my fiance and realized how fortunate I really am to have him, someone who would never hurt me the way I was hurt before and who wrapped his arms around me and assured me that he understood that my past is as much a part of me as he is.
I think it’s normal to think about these things. It’s a huge step and not one that should be taken lightly.
To add to what TS said, I think it’s totally fine to have a brief crush. However, if you can’t shake it, there may be more to it. I had a friend who had a crush on another mutual friend several months before the wedding which he “cut himself off” of about two months before the wedding cause he loved his fiance etc (decided to stay away from her, talk to her less, etc). He ended up separated before they’d even been married a year. He says looking back he knew it wasn’t right, but didn’t want that to be true. Only you know deep down how you feel - whether it’s a silly crush or a sign of something more serious.
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I would say it’s normal wedding jitters + too much time on your hands….When I used to bartend I would get really grumpy since my fiance was at work all day, and I was home what felt like 24/7. Then we didn’t see each other at night. Easy to get out of synch with each other. I’d advise to just keep as busy as possible when you’re not wrapped up in wedding stuff. Go to lunches, make day trips places, etc. Best of luck : )