Wedding Blog
Platitude of the day: not everything works out how you’d expect. Five years ago, if someone had told me I’d be walking myself down the aisle at my wedding, I wouldn’t have believed it. But such is how it’ll be, after all. And I’m not only OK with that, I’m actually quite proud of it.
Some time ago, the dysfunctional relationship I had with my family reached maximum toxicity and for sanity’s sake, I had to cut ties. Heartbreaking, yes. Life saving, as well, after the initial shock. My reasons for doing what I did aren’t blog-able, but the pertinent end result is…
No father to walk me down the aisle. No mum to pinch hit. No big brother to step in, and no uncles to act as surrogate. Talk about your clean breaks, huh? The taffeta-and-tulle bedecked cheese stands alone. An image so sad it should depress me, I suppose. But all it gives me is a melancholic twinge and the inspiration to hold my head up that much higher.
My FFIL, according to Mr. Lovebug, offered to give me away. And he’d be a natural, how warm and affectionate he is toward me. When, caught up in the excitement of choosing Christmas trees last year, he picked me up and swung me around like a kid–well, it was the fatherliest moment I’d had in decades. My throat gets tight even thinking about it.
And an ex who’s a very close friend offered to stand in, partly out of genuine friendship, and partly for the dry humor in it. But I’m having none of it. I don’t need to be “given away”, because I haven’t been anyone’s to *give* for a long, long time. And I’m not talking about financial independence. I’ve been doing my own emotional parenting for as long as I can remember. I’ve pulled myself up and out of a lot of tough situations all by my lonesome. Walking down that aisle by myself is my way to acknowledge that strength. Pride, maybe. But also a very vital, personal confidence.
So, funnily enough, as Mr. L is adopted, ours will be the No Biological Parents Wedding. I’ve been to so few weddings; I have no idea how the “crowd” will take my walking alone. For all I know, it’s the ultimate faux pas, to be avoided at all costs even if the groundskeeper has to step in. I don’t want to be pitied, that’s for sure. And I know it won’t be an easy thing, seeing Mr. Lovebug with his loving parents. But I’m a big girl of 32. I’ll get through it. And hopefully, his dad’ll give me another one of those awesome twirls. 
Am I breaching etiquette beyond reason? Will there be eyebrows raised through the roof? And if anyone else is walking down the aisle alone, can I get a high five? It’d sure be nice to have some company in this solitude.
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Share this post: Going It Alone
My husband and I walked down the aisle together, even though are very loving parents are in the picture. We just wanted to symbolize that we’re going in this together, and coming out together. We got some gasps as we walked down but not in a bad way, just surprised. After we got so many compliments on the whole ceremony I don’t think anyone thought twice about the procession. If you want to walk down alone, go for it!
Lovebug, a very moving and well written post, as always. I say go for it!! I think that the people special enough to attend your wedding will know the reason for why you walk alone, and will be moved by it as well…
I am sure nobody will have a raise brow! Good for you! Stand tall on your special day.
Good for you! I think the drama of you walking in alone will be so beautiful, independent, confident, etc…
I also love Kate’s idea too.
High five! I am doing the same thing. My Mom is in the picture, but I’ve been on my own emotionally for a long time. I adore my mother but felt it was most appropriate to fly solo. No dad in the picture, no male relatives to speak of, and most of our close family friends won’t be able to make it (male and female). We’ve decided that I’m going to start out alone — FH will already be at the altar, so he’s going to come up and meet me halfway and we’ll do the rest together.
I say AMEN! Amen for walking (or running) away from your poisonous family. Amen for being welcomed by such a warm loving family. And Amen for standing tall and getting yourself the rest of the short walk to your man after a long road…
My FI and I are walking down the aisle together. Partly due to my strained relationship with my family, partly due to the gag reflex I get when I think of the patriarchal overtones of ‘giving away’ and partly due to what Kate said above–it isn’t about me being presented to him (I’m shocked there were gasps…it’ll be interesting if I notice any on our day).
Aww…don’t be sad seeing Mr. Lovebug with his parents, be excited about being a part of such a loving family! =)
You’re great, Miss Lovebug.
Sounds like a wonderful decision for you! It’s great to hear that you are joining a family (your FI’s) which is supportive and loving. The image of a twirl next to Christmas trees gave me goosebumps! Stand tall, stand proud, and strut your stuff. Unfortunately, some families have drama and crises. It’s great that you’ve empowered yourself, embraced your new family, and created your own, (better) destiny. As you walk down the aisle, remember how healthy, peaceful, sane, and enjoyable your life is now. Oprah is one of my heroes and she says, “Live your best life!” The best way for you to express that on your special day is by walking down the aisle toward your new husband. Hip, Hip, Horray!
Stand tall and proud! All eyes will be on JUST you walking down that aisle and I think you will be just fine.
I am the adult child of divorced parents. Both will walk me down the aisle. I hate in a way that I kind of just gave in and did this. I love my mom and dad.. I just think it will look ridiculously fake since they really can’t stand one another. However, I didn’t want to hurt either of them by choosing one over the other. My mom raised me and would be ticked if I chose my dad solo but my dad would be hurt if he didn’t get to participate .
such a strong post. walking down alone symbolizes your strength and becoming one with your fh, go for it!
My Matron of Honor walked herself down the aisle - neither my fiance nor I noticed until she explicitly pointed it out in her photos a year later…and I do pay a lot of attention to details, but it was so not a matter to be concerned with. Smile big, stand proud, let them be distracted by your beauty and grace.
Jacky - we might have heard gasps because we didn’t even really have a procession. The bridal party gathered around the fireplace and then we walked down the aisle toward them. People might have just been surprised to see us since there wasn’t a lot of build up.
Our guests also cheered and clapped after our readings, which was so wonderful.
more power to you, honestly. as has been mentioned, all eyes are on the bride as she enters anyway, so why worry about anyone who looks a bit to either side, looking for an escort? you sound so sure of yourself, and that is beautiful. and as for etiquette? screw it! anyone who has a problem with a confident bride walking herself down the aisle should be ashamed of themself. *end of rant*
*sniff* i love you bees more everyday. walking yourself down the aisle sounds awesome. rock on, miss lovebug!
Go Miss Lovebug! I walked myself down the aisle two and 1/2 weeks ago and I totally wanted it that way. If anyone thought it strange, I didn’t hear any comments. My parents are both a big part of my life and my mother was dying for me to ask my dad, but I’m 32 and I felt really strongly about walking by myself. I knew it didn’t matter to my dad and no matter what argument my mother made about my dad wasn’t giving me a away, just lending an arm, I didn’t want to do it.
My sisters offered to walk in with me, and I almost caved because I was so worried about tripping in my three inch heels, but I’m so glad I did not. I will always cherish the memory of walking down the aisle and seeing only my husband. There may have been 100 people at the wedding, but in those moments it was only us.
So 100% support for me!
Good for You!! I don’t think it’s weird at all to walk yourself down the aisle. Thank you for the heartfelt post. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one with family issues.
Wow, that made me all verklempt! Major props to you, Miss Lovebug, for cutting ties with your toxic family. I cannot even imagine how difficult that must have been, but it sounds like it was an empowering and liberating thing for you to do, and it has made you a stronger person in the end. Drama-free is the way to be, no matter what it takes for you to get there.
I think walking down the aisle alone will be wonderful for you — if it takes too much effort to come up with someone to walk with you, then it would be too forced, ya know? Your solo walk will truly represent who you are, what you have been through, and your strength. I think it will be a beautiful statement — and you’ll get to meet the man of your dreams at the end of that aisle!
I don’t understand why is is such a faux pas. You’d think we live in a society where everyone comes from nuclear families all under one roof an a picket fence street. If that was our society… then okay I see the big issue with it. Unfortunately, life isn’t always peaches and cream.
I think that when you come down the aisle the only thing anyone will notice is how beautiful you look! Nothing more, nothing less!
throw your shoulders back and lift your head up as high as you can and walk down that aisle. i think it’s very brave and smart to make the decision to cut ties with your family and you should be proud with how you’ve handled it. so rock on miss lovebug.
and just think, you’ve got mr. lovebug’s awesomely loving sounding fam as your own.
Miss Lovebug - you should go for it! I may be faced with a similar situation soon and may lose all connections to my family and if that so happens I have no qualms about walking the aisle alone. We’ve talked about it and my guy even offered to walk with me - as it is OUR day.
The way I see it, walking down the aisle alone toward Mr. L will be symbolic of you becoming each other’s family and of placing your life/love in the care of another. That’s totally appropriate given whatever you’ve been through. =D
I’ve got a great relationship with my dad and I’m still considering it - I’m not his to give away! Many years ago I made my boyfriend (now fiance) promise not to ask my dad permission to marry me, if it ever came to that point, as it’s really not his decision and I think I ought to be the first to know about any engagement!
Well said, Miss Lovebug. Etiquette, schmetiquette, your reasons for walking in on your own are so justified. Go for it!
Thanks for sharing this Miss Lovebug! I think there are a lot of women who don’t feel like they have anyone to really “give” them away, but they just find someone to stand in out of fear of what others will think or just because it is the accepted tradition.
I’m sure you will look like a strong, beautiful, and independant woman and no one will think twice about it.
PS- I wanted to walk myself down the aisle because a.) I’m estranged from my birth father, and b.) I think it’s kind of a misogynistic old tradition anyway…. BUT my mom got all sad and I think she felt guilty that I have a dead-beat dad so she asked me to ask her brother to do it instead. So, I caved and asked my uncle. He is divorced without kids and he was really touched by the gesture, so maybe it’s for the best. But anyway, I would’ve almost been able to give you a high-five!
You’ve got me all verklempt… Talk amongst yourselves… Let me give you a topic - the peanut, neither pea nor nut; discuss.
Ok, I’m pulled together now. Miss Lovebug, you stand tall, walk tall, and continue to be the strong chica you are. I say go for it.
Wow, good for you, Ms. Lovebug! This is a great post. I like that you’re willing to talk about the stuff that is not just dresses and favors (though those are fun, too). I’ll also be walking myself down the aisle (toxic dad, and don’t like the sexist tradition anyway). The idea of walking with with your fiance is also compelling.
I had my dad walk me down the aisle - despite the fact that we don’t speak. I was too worried about what guests would think and that it would set a bad tone. My dad walked into my room (almost late), didn’t say a word, walked me out, stepped on my dress (since we didn’t practice) and didn’t say anything when he “gave me away”. If he enjoyed the moment, he certainly didn’t let on. In retrospect, I should have chosen to either go it alone or walk in my my fiance.
I am totally behind your decision!
My parents are both alive, married to each other, totally normal, and now that I am an adult, actually sort of fun, too. Still, the geek walks alone. And everyone is cool with that. Go for it Miss Lovebug! You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
No one will care if you walk alone, with the fiancee, with his dad, with an ex, or on your hands! Well, that would be interesting to see in a wedding dress. But, you know.
Miss Lovebug, you should absolutely walk yourself down the aisle! Even without all of the extraneous family issues, why the hell not? By the end of my planning I was so fed up with etiquette and what I was “supposed” to be doing that I wanted to scream! This is your one and only wedding day! This is a day to celebrate the two of you and your love so do EXACTLY what you two want to do and what you two think is right.
Remember that everyone who will be at your wedding loves you! They will be blown away by your beauty and grace and I’d be willing to bet that not one guest will notice that you are doing anything different than what they are used to.
I don’t think you need to worry about the ‘faux pas’ at all. I don’t think that wedding guests think like this, unless they’re really high up there in age and tied to tradition. If they are, they often don’t say anything anyways. A friend of mine got married in May, and there was always a question as to whether or not her father would be there since he has a rather complex mental illness and has good days and bad days. Well, he didn’t go, and she walked down the aisle herself.
And for those that were not close enough to the family to know what was going on, no one even blinked an eye. It wasn’t even ‘guest gossip’ after the ceremony at the reception, and only about 10% of the guests knew what was going on. I wouldn’t worry about it. In fact, she looked quite beautiful and self-assured walking down the aisle herself, it looked amazing. I think you will be fine, and it will give you great confidence! Plus the pictures look fantastic.
It will be fine
I think all types of processions are fine now and I think it’s a great idea to walk yourself down the aisle, especially since it’s so meaningful to you personally to do so.
I also wanted to just chime in to say that in the wedding I attended 3 weeks ago, the bride walked herself down the aisle, and she wasn’t estranged from her family either. Both her parents were there and very much a part of the ceremony and she’s very close to them, but that’s just how they chose to do it although I’m not sure what her reasons were. And nobody even noticed that anything was unusual about this arrangement, we were too busy staring at the gorgeous bride!
If I was at your wedding I would totally see you as an independent person who was strong enough to not need someone to “fill in”. I would not pity you at all.
I also hate the wording of “giving away” a bride. I’m having my mom walk me down the aisle because as I told my dad, you gave me away a long time ago. You can’t do it twice!
It’s your moment! Own it! I think looking back you will be glad you choice to walk it alone!
So many comments. I will be walking by myself and never really thought much about it being a faux pas. My mom is in my life and wonderful. She’s so excited about my wedding/marriage and has been great but I’m a very independent girl. Always have been. Dad hasn’t been around since I was like 8 so I never pictured him walking me down the aisle. My brother just assumed he would walk me down the aisle and I thought he was crazy and had to tell him so. He’s 2 years older and I love him but we are not that close (you know to walk you down the aisle it would help if it was someone who didn’t get on your nerves all the time, lol!) I didn’t like hurting his feelings but having someone walk me down the aisle never was a part of my vision. I’m sure all of my family and friends will just smile, shake their heads and attribute it to me wanting to be the center of attention, as usual. Completely normal for me and I can’t wait!
Embrace it as well as your new official family. I know it will be a day you will never forget or regret!
I don’t think it’s a faux pas in the slightest! I walked myself down the aisle even though I’m very close with both of my parents who are still together and were both a big part of the wedding. I just didn’t really see a need to be “given away” and honestly it never even crossed my mind that people might be shocked. That said, I’ve seen a lot of weddings where the bride walked by herself and never heard a single person peep about what their reasons might be, since it’s just a completely normal and common alternative, at least amongst people I know. So, obviously, I say go for it! The idea of the “stand in” just seems fake, so unless the father-daughter aspect is particularly emotional (in a good way) for whatever reason, then I thinking walking alone is the way to go!
Way to go Miss Lovebug, I’m so proud of you and I don’t even know you for reals
You may want to consider (If it’s not too akward) asking if your father in law to be would be interested in a ‘father daughter dance’, and maybe to keep the akwardidity (I make up new words every day!) to a minimum your new husband could dance with his mom at the same time… just a thought
Even if people do raise their eyebrows at you, you know why you’re doing it, so go on and be proud of yourself!
Miss Lovebug,
It seems that your devoted Bee readers have formed a personal cheering section just for you! Not only was your post extremely raw and personal and so full of emotion but the above posts of my felllow Bee readers are all touching as well.
You are a strong, independent woman who has already made up her mind about walking down the aisle. Walk strong, stand tall (guess you can’t do both at the same time but you know what I mean!) and don’t forget to flash that gorgeous smile as you make your way down the aisle to your future hubbie!
I didn’t read any comments, so if anything is in duplicate, I am sorry.
Ms. Lovebug, when I read some of your posts, I really relate– and this is no different. I was unaware that walking yourself was to be avoided at all costs…ooops! I fully intend to walk myself. I cut ties with my father in high school. My mother died many years ago. I don’t want anyone else to fill in. Really, I think the whole giving away is overrated and a wee bit sexist (but I understand that if you’re close to your family/father it could be a sweet moment, just not for me).
I think walking by yourself is perfectly great. The reality is, you are a complete person in and of yourself and don’t need anyone to give you to someone else to be taken care of or to make you complete…and you’re not chattel! I wouldn’t even give the whole thing another thought. Anyway, you’re gotta look so beautiful in that amazing dress no one will even notice you’re walking yourself!
Miss Lovebug, your post touched me in many ways. It sounds like you are starting on an amazing future, and I am so happy for you!!
First off, I’ve been to wedding where the bride walked herself and it was still a moving, beautiful procession. Echoing what has already been said, walking your self is a fine option.
Second, I am in the same stiuation. I have not spoken to my family in over 2 years. While my future in-laws completely support my desision, I still feel like I am missing out on a lot of experences that many other brides have. I work in the wedding industry. And it always hits me in the pit of my stomach when I see brides happily planning with their mothers. On the other hand, I’ve seen some mothers pull emotional and monatary blackmail and I am glad that I am avoiding the heartache.
My FFIL has offered to walk me down the isle, which is an option. Also, my little brother is starting to pull away from the family. He is the only one who speaks to me and I would ideally like for him to escort me.
I am having trouble figuring our seating for the ceremony, as I’d hate to have no one sitting on my side.
Stay strong, you are not the only bride who is facing planning a wedding without a family. It is a sad fact that this is not a topic that comes up often. I applaude you, Miss Lovebug, for being strong enough to make what I personally know is probably the hardest desision that you’ll ever have to face. And I am very glad that Weddingbee is a safe enough community to be open about such an unpleasent topic. Thank you, Miss Lovebug….Kudos Weddingbee. I really appreciate this blog, it is the highlight of my day.
Walk alone or with your fiance — beautiful symbolism either way! (And photos will be great, too.)
Guests read into this WAY less than you think. It’s a personal decision. Guests (other than WB addicts) really scarcely notice the kinds of details WB’ers agonize over.
Anyway, based on your posts RE your stunning gown, you’ll be more than stealing the spotlight all by your lonesome by doing no more than walking down the aisle in that gown, no!? Hello, grand entrance! ; )
what a great post miss lovebug. so honest and touching. it sounds like you have gone through so much, why wouldn’t you walk yourself into the next phase of your life? you’ll be strong and beautiful walking down the aisle with your head held high.
like some of the other responders i am in a similar situation and it is comforting to see other brides struggling with the same issue. thank you for your openness and strength!
I am such a heel. That should have read 100% support FROM me. Not FOR me.
What a great post…no one have perfect lives and perfect families so it’s so good to have people you can identify with. And kudos to you for being strong and handling it in a way that is mentally healthy for you. I plan on walking by myself (and I have no problems with my parents) and it never occurred to me that it might be a faux pas!
Glad you wrote this. I have just been discussing with my grandmother that I, too, will be walking myself down the aisle as my father and grandfathers have all passed. While I could get my Mom or my Grandmother to step-in, I am 26 years old and have been on my own since I was 17. I am independent, and as you expressed in your own situation, no one needs to give me away.
What you and your fiance are most comfortable with is what’s important. I love the idea of walking down the aisle together.
I’m so glad you shared this with us. I won’t have my father or uncles walking me down the aisle either but it’s more because of religious reasons. My side of the family is Buddhist but ever since I was a little girl I was recruited by lots of different Protestant churches so I went to all sorts of churches growing up. My family didn’t mind at all.
My fiance is Catholic and that’s his only request that we have it at a Catholic church. So we are going to walk down the aisle together which I feel is more meaningful for us, like we are going down the journey of life together, it’s more special for me this way!
Good for you! I’m walking myself down the aisle, and couldn’t imagine it any other way for myself.
I’m yet again blown away by how supportive this community is. Thank you all so much for taking an interest, for cheering me on, and for sharing your own stories. Seriously? I’ll be remembering these wonderful, warmhearted comments come the big day, no question.
wow. i am so blown away by your courage and maturity to cut ties.
to the ladies who are walking with their men down the aisle, you all have just solved that problem for me in the future!!! THANK YOU SO MUCHHHH!!!!!!! i have a strained relationship with my father and i dont want him to walk me down the aisle, because im not his to give away. my mom wants to be the one to do it, but i think walking down the aisle with my future husband is a much greater symbol and that way no one gets upset (or maybe more upset! haha)
What perfect timing for this post.
Here I am going through a rough time with my own “dad” and pondering cutting ties to his side of my family. I am really scared to do so, but I’m also tired of being treated like garbage by them and your post really proves that it’s OK to remove negative people from your life.
Thanks a ton for your honesty, it’s a comfort to me in my own time of need.
You’ll be a beautiful bride, as you’re quite obviously a strong and beautiful person.
Miss Lovebug, I fully support your decision to walk it alone. I would like to do the same (for feminist reasons, I don’t want to be given away), except last year my dad and I had a big fight and I told him I wouldn’t walk want him to walk me down the aisle. We’ve long since patched things up, but I’m afraid that he’d think I’m still mad if I asked him not to walk me down the aisle.
Bella livre, why not do away with sides altogether? Just have the ushers seat everyone everywhere!
I love the bee’s!
I was just having a minor break down about this very issue! I had trouble with my family which still caused/causeing a rift and my FI’s family is absolutly wonderful. Reading your post hit home something feirce and i have the same problem as post #41 i work in the wedding industry and i have a hard time as of lately because of my own family rift.
All the femanist arguments make sense, and in the end the marriage was your choice so i’m all for walking it alone. More power to you for doing it!
I think it’s a very strong position given your circumstance. Walk with your head held high and with confidence and those who scoff can deal with their own issues, this is your marriage. Congrats on releasing toxic people.
(I also didn’t have my dad “give me away.” My mom and dad walked me down and kissed me as I walked to meet my fiance. I loved it.)
I didn’t even realize that at the last wedding I went to, the bride walked alone down the aisle till I read this post and thought about it. I think I was so busy taking in her hair, her make up, her dress, how the groom was looking at her and her at him, I didn’t even notice until now!
You are just so lucky you won’t have any drama over where to spend holidays, who gets to see you when, who the kids visit, when/if you have kids, etc.
If you are going to walk it alone, MAKE SURE to tell your father well ahead of time. Fathers who love you have been imagining this day in their daughter’s lives (and their role in it) since their daughter’s births–and it is horrible for a bride in all her independance to forget who badly she can hurt her father. So do what you want, but do it with a sense of compassion for those who do love you.
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Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson
Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant
Engagement Date: February 18, 2007
Wedding Date: April 19, 2008
Venue: Historic Inn
About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?
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