Miss Peppermint, LA/Palm Springs
Age and Occupation: 23, Actress
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Web Producer
Engagement Date: October 21, 2006
Wedding Date: December 2007
Blogging Since: July 2, 2007
Venue: historic estate overlooking the heart of Palm Springs
About Me: I am a Southern California native who enjoys cooking, writing, travel and all things in the arts. Mr. Peppermint and I met in college and he proposed on our four year anniversary in one of our most special places, Joshua Tree National Park. We're having a destination wedding in Palms Springs that will incorporate tradition as well as reflect our personalities!
Be Our Guest… or Not?
July 17th, 2007 @ 5:57 pm by Mrs. Peppermint
From the day after we got engaged, one of the first debates we had was about the guest list. Originally, we had settled on having 150 guests. This would have been about perfect, after all, our pie-in-the-sky list we made at the beginning had 170 – and that included anyone we’d even consider inviting. However, when we fell in love with the O’Donnell, we had to accept that the venue can only hold 130 (and it’s not just a matter of chairs – they’d fall off the cliff!).
130 seems like a lot of people. It really is plenty. But, when we started trying to knock people off the list, it became increasingly difficult. Especially because of those people who, if you invite them, you have to invite their roommate who you also kind of like — but wouldn’t invite otherwise. Then there’s the whole issue of inviting dates. Early on we said that dates were invited only if we knew the date personally and they were pretty serious. But there’s so much gray area. Who are we to say how serious they are? And if we let one friend have a date, should we let their good friend? In a way, I think it needs to be an across-the-board “no” for dates, but I know certain friends would be really angry. This guest list stuff is not fun. It’s kind of a bad thing when someone tells me they won’t be able to make it and I think, “Yes! One more person we can invite!”
Another interesting question I keep thinking about is considering who will be a part of my life in the years to come. This may sound odd, but I’ve been reading tips on the knot about narrowing the guest list and one of the suggestions was to think of the people who you see being a big part of your life in the years to come. I have a few people on the so-called “B List,” who I haven’t seen in over a year and rarely talk to. We’ve moved far apart and are pursuing very different things. I’m not sure if they’ll continue to be in my life. I feel awful saying that, but maybe I’d rather have some of the people I see on a monthly basis who are in the same field and are following a more similar path. What are your thoughts? Does that seem logical?
How would you narrow the list? Should we send the invites out in batches so that if we don’t fill 130, we can invite a second wave? (Emily Post is probably rolling over in her grave about now). I need your help!!
(image via cartoonstock)
15 Responses to “Be Our Guest… or Not?”
SECRET waves, from the top of the list downward. Mail family & BFF’s ASAP, and work your way down.
Ditto the previous poster…do it in waves!
oh, do i sympathize. we had a horrible time with the guest list. it was such an issue for the two of us! I say, stick with your guns and invite only the people you want, and not their vague roommates. And nix the dates that you don’t know. It’s your wedding, and if someone has questions about it, you have a great response– we couldn’t afford to have anyone fall off the cliff!
Oh I totally feel your pain. We are constrained not by space but by finances to no more than 90 people, and that is REALLY pushing it for us. Finances would be more comfortable with 80. I initially thought it would be pretty easy to keep it to 80 but somehow the list keeps growing and I’ve cut some people from the list and added others. It’s messy.
For dates - you do need to invite someone’s date if they’re married or engaged, even if you have never met their partner. Otherwise I don’t think you’re required to invite a guest, but it’s nice if you’re able to, so use your judgement I guess.
If you do two waves, just make sure that people in wave #2 don’t know that people in wave #1 received their invite weeks earlier. Then they’ll know they were on the B-list. I don’t really know how else you would do it though - you’ll have to reduce your initial invite list to maybe 140 or 150 guests, and you really can’t invite more until you know how many declines you have.
I had a “B” list of people and with no shame I sent out the second wave of invites. But I made sure I kept the RSVP date in mind so I sent them out soon enough to no totally be put to ettiquette shame.
i had a really big problem with nixing the dates, esp for those friends of mine who do not know anyone else. how sad for those guests, who would they dance with? but, reality hits hard and fast as our numbers creep up to 350 from 300. sooo, yes, nix the dates, stick to your guns, and yes, also send them out in waves. that was my master plan all along, A list 3 mos ahead, due 2 mos ahead. B list 2 mos ahead (still early enough that they won’t feel like it was a late invite).
I feel your pain too. I have a max of 150, but a list of 170. I’m a little nervous about the B wave b/c I’m afraid of not hearing from the A wave soon enough. I too will be like “You can’t come, oh, so sorry” all while thinking…phew, that’s one more person from the B list.
We had a very high “reject” rate of 35% (65% said yes), due to far travel time for lots of our guests. Just something to keep in mind.
Yeah, I hear ya. It’s been tough. I had to eliminate 2 small groups of friends because as everyone knows - if you invite one, you have to invite them all. The toughest part - I usually throw big get togethers every few months and invite just about everyone I know. However, from the moment I got engaged, I’ve had to be super-careful who I interact with because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings that they “didn’t make the cut,” for lack of a better phrase. What can I say — I’m a chicken when it comes to dealing with hurty feelings.
Personally, I looked at each person and thought “would I pay $XX (insert your per-person cost) to buy this person dinner?” We still invited some people, even though the answer was “no” (i.e. relatives, long-term significant others we didn’t like, etc.)- but it put things into perspective.
I dunno if you’re having your ceremony and reception at the same place, but if you aren’t, maybe invite those that can’t attend the ceremony to the reception that way they still feel like they are a part of your day. If not, consider a house warming party or after party for when you return from your honey moon where they can view all of the pictures from the ceremony and reception and view the pictures from your honeymoon. This way they will still feel as if they’re included.
We allowed everyone a guest - but (luckily!) friends & cousins that don’t have serious significant others are still coming by themselves!! This was a happy surprise for us. So while we invited 192, that included allowing everyone a date, and we knew that wouldn’t happen. 2 weeks til the RSVP deadline and we’ve got 30 no’s so far.
i was planning on not inviting guests for my friends who aren’t dating anyone. then i was talking to one of my friends, and she told me how excited she was to have talked one of her co-workers into going to the 3 weddings she has to go to this year… i didn’t know how to tell her we weren’t “and guesting” her.
I think that’s a really great way to approach it. We’re right now in the stages of firming up our guest list, and it’s actually quite surprising how few people we genuinely believe will be part of our lives in ten years. In fact, my fiance’s parents’ guest list is about twice the size of ours! Anyway, to narrow it down, I think it’s perfectly acceptible to sort of sit back and see who’s a definite yes before going with your “b” list.
The guest list has to be the most stressful part of planning because it involves money and family politics. Lots of people will say do what makes you happy but you are joining two families together and it’s important to not hurt your future in-laws. My FH was left out of his favorite cousin’s the wedding party due to some differences he had with the bride and the entire family has reacted strongly to the bride’s decision. Although I love my FH, I understand that the bride wanted her day to go her way but the rest of the family has treated her coldly since then….
so this drama has made me extremely nervous about planning my own. My FH has a very large and close-knit family that gets together for the major events. I would say he has over 100 cousins that see each other on this last Thanksgiving! I also have a large family but I only get along with a handful and family politics do not faze me since I really could care less. I would like to balance out his guests with my close sets of friends but that is way too many people for the venue (and our budget)
As horrible as this sounds, Im keeping my fingers crossed for a major family feud.
