Wedding Blog
I wouldn’t call myself a feminist. I mean, I went to an all-girls school for my formative years (7th - 12th grade) and took quite a few classes on the subject, but regardless, it just isn’t how I see myself. I remember one of my teachers (who DOES consider herself a feminist) made the point that modern women don’t want to call themselves feminists. This struck me as strange. I never thought there was a stigma against it. But many of the women she brought up did things or held ideals that most people would call feminist, yet still the women denied the term. Why women avoid it I do not know, but maybe I’m one of them. I’m in denial of my inner-feminist.
Nonetheless, when I started compiling the addresses for the invitations and STD’s I was faced with a quandary. Now, Emily Post would tell me to address couples as (Man’s First Name) (Last Name Here) eg Mr. & Mrs. John Smith, but somehow that feels sexist. Or what about when you write it to The John Smith Family. I think that’s the most formal and traditional way to address invitations, but it definitely feels a bit male-centric. Should I just nix the first name and write to The Smith Family? But does that make it sound less formal?
How are you addressing your invites to couples (with the same last name) and families?
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I addressed them according to the couple. I know some wives who don’t mind be part of a mr and mrs. smith duo. Other women I know are admantly against taking their husband’s name, so I addressed it as two separate names. With Families I did, The Smith Family.
or you can do as some mail spammers do:
Christina Hill or current resident. 
I don’t think it sounds less formal to use “the Smith Family” instead of “the John Smith Family” (which sounds kind of weird to me)
Most couples of my parents’ generation, I addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Theirlastname. For my friends, I asked them how they wanted to be addressed. Heck, one couple got theirs addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Herfirstname Theirlastname!
But the inner envelopes were addressed to Hisfirstname and Herfirstname Theirlastname.
i totally agree. i’m addressing our invites this way:
single: jane doe
couple but not married: jane doe & john smith
married: jane & john doe
family: doe family
ladies first!
I’ve been struggling with this myself, especially since we aren’t using inner-envelopes. I addressed a lot of invites to “The Smith Family” because we’re having a casual wedding, but I think it would be fine if you were having a fancy party, too. Maybe spend a little to have a calligrapher address the invites–that always seems fancier to me.
Invitation wording is a big pain in the you-know-what…GL!
Similarly to turtle, I took what I thought the couple would like/wouldn’t like into consideration. As far as the ettiquette rules go, it should be:
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith if they are a married couple that wouldn’t mind using the joint name
Ms. (or Mrs.) Jane Jones and Mr. John Smith if they are a couple where the woman kept her name (women always come first when you’re listing them together on the outer envelope)
Ms. Jane Jones
Mr. John Smith If they are a couple who is not yet married but living together - note that the woman comes first but they are on different lines and they don’t get an “and” because “and” indicates marriage
If the man lives without the woman and you’re addressing it to him but including her in the invite, her name goes on the inner but not the outer like this: Ms. Jones (next line) Mr. Smith. (same holds true if you’re inviting her with a guest that you know the name of, but not living together)
And last but not least, if doing a whole family, then it’s Mr. and Mrs. John Smith (or see above if she’s kept her name) on the outer envelope and on the inner envelope, it’s:
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
John Jr. and Susan
Hope that helps! I’ve done so much research on this that I’m glad to let someone else have it all!!
I’m doing mine the same was as tofu, although for the guests that my FMIL is inviting, everyone on the list she sent me was “Mr and Mrs John C Smith”……sooooo that’s how I adressed hers.
What I decided is however people respond on the RSVP cards, is how their table cards will read. Most of FMIL’s friends responded “Jane and John Smith” rather than the formal Mr and Mrs. And funnily enough, one of my mom’s friends (who I adressed to Jane and John Smith) came back with an RSVP for “Mr and Mrs John C Smith”. So I guess her table card will read Mrs John C Smith.
Overall, our wedding is pretty casual and modern, so I felt fine adressing the envelopes informally. I would say do what feels right for you and FI, Emily Schmemily
Traditional, which of course includes respecting what a person prefers to be called.
I kept it simple…
Single: Ms. Jane Doe
Couple: Mr. & Mrs. John Doe
Family: The Doe Family
Unmarried Couple: Ms. Jane Doe
Mr. John Smith
I am like you, the “Mr. & Mrs. His FName LName” thing kinda weirds me out! In fact I refuse to be announced that way at our wedding! (I’m not a feminist either, but doing it that way feels like you have completely lost our own identity in getting married.). So, I think that the Her FName & His FName LName is appropriate (Martha even said so!). If you address the invite to “The Smith family” people will assume they can being their children - so make sure thats what you are intending!
Cool, I’m glad to seeing this discussed. I’m doing mine the same way as Tofu.
My grandmother always drove my mother crazy by addressing everything to Dr. and Mrs. John Smith, when it should in fact be Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones.
That’ll be the day when some guy is introduced or recives a letter sent to Mr. Jane Smith.
Oh wow. I haven’t even started thinking about things like this. Thanks to everyone for all of the suggestions that have been posted!
C-girl: Your grandmother wasn’t incorrect to default to Mr & Mrs for social correspondence, but was incorrect if your mother told her she’d rather be called doctor.
ls-
you mention you’re doing placecards however you received the response cards.
Our response cards looked like this:
M____________
so we had some “M__r & Mrs Mark Smith”
and we had some “M__ark & Jane Smith”
hehe…
We addressed (we had outer envelopes only) couples as “Mr and Mrs John Smith” or “Mrs. Jane Smith and Mr. John Doe” if they are married, but the woman kept her name. We followed the “etiquette” guidelines as closely as possible - for having outer envelopes only though.
I really dislike the whole “Mr. & Mrs. HisName HisName” thing as well. I did change my name, but not my first name!
Anyways, this is what we did.
Older/Conservative Peeps: Mr. & Mrs. John Doe
Other Married Couples: Mr. & Mrs. John & Jane Doe
Married Couple w/Different Names: Ms. Jane Smith & Mr. John. Doe
I too mused over this for one invitation in particular. There was one couple where the wife was my good friend, had kept her own last name, and her husband was being invited as her guest. It simply felt wrong to address them as “Mr and Mrs John Doe”.
So instead, I addressed them as “MRS and Mr Jane Smith”… and she loved it! She got such a kick out it.
BTW, I received the advice to stay away from the word “family”. You never know how many people your guests will think that includes!
We did the couple’s name on the outside, then on inside envelope listed: Jane, John, Mark & Susie
That way we were super clear as to who was invited!
is it okay to put mr. and mrs. hisname hername theirlastname?
that keeps it formal and keeps both names too. is that just never done?
Same as Tofu. We used everyone’s first names to customize the actual invites except for our elders in which case we used Mr & Mrs.
same as tofu. and we didn’t do the M____ on the rsvp. we put Name(s)____ I hate the M____ I don’t know why. When I see the M___ I usually fill it in with a stupid sentence that starts with M. (mountain goats love pickles!) And then put a little note like “Can’t wait!” and sign it with our names. i have had a little trouble with the escort cards though. if i invited a guy and he brings some girl i’ve never met before, it seems like they’ll be looking for a card under his name, not her name, so the guys name first JUST in those instances. But then I realized they’d figure it out by looking at the rest of the cards - ladies first, so I switched it back.
This similar topic came up in my alumni messageboard, but more related to changing our name. I went to an all-women’s college where we are notoriously known for throwing female only bra parties and being extreme feminists… with that said, many of the alumni worried about losing their identity if they took their husband’s name.
When it came time for me to change my name, I never looked at it as losing my identity, but merely adding to my identity. Part of who I am now is who I am married to. Plus, I love his family and I am proud to share their name. With that said though, I was sad to lose mine, especially since my father has no sons to “carry on his lineage”. After some thought, I realized that I didn’t need to lose my name (hyphenating our last names just sounded silly when said outloud), so I change my middle name to read the formal version of my korean name, as a tribute to my heritage and to my family name.
(just a tangent)
I generally went with the modern option of “Jane and John Smith and family” or similar, unless they were my mother’s guest list, in which case I addressed it exactly as she wrote it which was a mix, but for the most part “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.”
I completely feel the same way - the Mr. and Mrs. John Smith is actually mildly offensive to me! We had a very formal 300-ish person wedding on the East Coast and addressed the invites as:
Elizabeth and Jonathan Smith
No Mr or Mrs. If there was a title like Dr. or Honorable or Judge or whatever, we would do that so it would be:
Dr. Elizabeth Smith and Mr. Jonathan Smith
I also had individual place cards for everyone at the reception. Yes, 300 place cards . . . I made each one, it was quite an ordeal, but that is how strongly I dislike the traditional naming system!
Good luck!!
I think people shy away from the term feminist because it is often used in a less than favorable light. While I think of all the good women of this category have done for our gender, my mind sometimes wanders to the ‘crazies’ that don’t want to stop at equality, but want supremecy, and for those that take small, mundane things way too seriously. Instead, I like to say that I am an equal supporter of everyone’s rights, regardless of gender or race
As for addressing the cards, I think that if the couple is not married, full names look much more elegant! Mr. so and so and Miss. tra la la. etcetera
for a family: The Smith Family
for a married couple: Mr and Mrs Jon Smith
for an unmarried couple: (the person I know) Mr. Jon Smith (outside) Jon and Jane (inside)
I was just going to post that Go Amie!
“If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.” - tomatonation.
I’m going to go standard Mr. & Mrs. unless I know that someone prefers otherwise. But, I am making sure that, when they announce us as a married couple the emcee says “Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirstname Myfirstname Ourlastname.”
I changed mine based on the addressee. My mother kept her maiden name, so I addressed theirs to Paul Mylastname and Deborah Herlastname, because I know they like that. Many couples got Natalie & John Lastname, but more conservative couples got Mr & Mrs Lastname.
Go Amie - nice.
Mostly I used Ann and Paul Smith for married couples, but one thing I did keep in mind was generation. For the eldest invitees, I used the much more traditional Mr & Mrs Paul Smith, as that is what is expected. I tried to bear in mind that the last thing I wanted to do was insult anyone from any generation.
Exactly. I minored in Women’s Studies and I can’t believe that most people aren’t feminists. Do you not want to be equal to men? Whether you’re aware of it or not, there is a stigma towards being called a feminist. You have to understand there are so many levels of feminism but to say that you aren’t a feminist at all is misogynistic.
Aw shucks, I just posted a link! I’m glad so many people liked it.
The thing about the Tomato Nation article is that the author only addresses the first definition listed. Having looked it up in a couple other dictionaries, the second definition seems to me to be more prevelent than the first. I know plenty of people who believe in equality of the sexes but wouldn’t consider themselves feminists because they are thinking of the second part(organized activism and stuff).
1.) As a feminist history major, when I did some first hand archival research last year and had to quote a woman who had said something very smart and clever in my paper, I had to quote her as “Mrs. John C. Smith III” because that was how she was kept in the record. I was so disappointed because she had disappeared from history completely - I didn’t know this woman’s first name at all and it was quite horrifying to me - that is losing your identity, for real. To not be remembered in the annals of history as yourself, but only as the wife of another? How unfair!
The Mr. & Mrs. Hisname Hername thing has bothered me since I was a young child and I will never use it, because I think it is a disgustingly archaic way of telling women that they don’t matter, only their husbands do. If you ask me, the polite thing to do is tell your wedding guests “I respect you and the fact that you have your own name and identity.”
2.) The unmarried couple invites not using and? I’m sorry, but that is weak and rude, to say that using the term “and” on an invitiation implies that they are married - and that they must be listed on their own line because they have not been joined in matrimony. Are you afraid that they will get confused? “Honey, we got an invite to Mr. Joe Smith and Ms. Jane Jones, but I don’t remember getting married!”
I think your life will be very simple if you stick to the following:
Family: The Smith Family or The Smith-Jones Family
Couple (any kind): John and Jane Smith or John Smith and Jane Jones (and if she’s hyphenated, don’t disrespect that - keep it John Smith and Jane Jones-Smith) If you really want to use Mr. and Mrs. , saying Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Smith is acceptable.
Single person: Jane Smith
If they are old and crochety and offended by your using their real names, do you really want them at your wedding? I mean, can you imagine the cocktail hour gossip?
“Oh, well, we nearly didn’t come - our invitation came to Joshua and Emily Smith - I nearly fainted!”
This wasn’t a stupid question, I’m not trying to trivialize it, if it comes accross like that.
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Miss Peppermint, LA/Palm Springs
Age and Occupation: 23, Actress
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Web Producer
Engagement Date: October 21, 2006
Wedding Date: December 2007
Blogging Since: July 2, 2007
Venue: historic estate overlooking the heart of Palm Springs
About Me: I am a Southern California native who enjoys cooking, writing, travel and all things in the arts. Mr. Peppermint and I met in college and he proposed on our four year anniversary in one of our most special places, Joshua Tree National Park. We're having a destination wedding in Palms Springs that will incorporate tradition as well as reflect our personalities!
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