Wedding Blog
As I posted nearly a year ago, I’ve known what I was going to change my name to for a long time: Firstname Middlename Maidenname Newlastname, with no hyphen, where my last name is simply Mr. Bluebell’s name, but my maiden name serves as a second middle name.
Not so much.
Yesterday I went to the DMV with my marriage license (that said First Middle Maiden New, exactly as I wanted) and all my other crap, waited 2+ hours, then stepped up to the window to complete my simple routine transaction.
First, the woman ignored me for a full minute while I was standing there at her counter. A bit annoying after such a wait, but nothing to get upset about. Then she turns and asks in a not particularly pleasant voice what I’m here for today. “I’m changing my name since I got married.” “Driver’s license & marriage certificate.” I have all my important documents all out and arranged on the counter so I instantly hand her the two she wants. She promptly crosses out my maiden name and draws an arrow pointing at my new last name.
I say, “uh, what are you doing?”
DMV !#*@$^: “You can’t have two last names, so you have to hyphenate.”
Me: “But I don’t want it hyphenated, see the marriage certificate? That’s how I want it.”
Her: “You can’t have two last names; they have to be hyphenated.”
Me: “I don’t WANT two last names, my maiden name is my second middle name.”
Her: “You can’t do that.”
Me: “But I have it right here on my marriage certificate, the town clerk told me this was fine.”
Her: “Listen, I am only going to tell you one more time - NO I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN - if you have TWO LAST NAMES YOU HAVE TO HYPHENATE.”
Me: “Uhhh, can I talk to a supervisor??”
Her: [with obvious malicious glee] “Well I’d be happy to fill out an H-ticket request for you! Let me just fill this out, and then go wait in that line over there to get a new number and wait until they call your H-number.”
Me: [glowering with hatred] Thank you, please do that.
Just then a man walks by behind her and glances in our direction. She sighs in disappointment and says, “this is the supervisor, you can talk to him.” He gestures me to walk over to a free window and she violently shoves my documents back at me.
I explain the situation to me and he very politely and professionally (if a bit lacking in sympathy) explains that in New York, if you wish to have your maiden name in your name after you take your husband’s name, then the only options are:
1) Hyphenate. This is the only option available at the DMV.
2) Have a court order made out officially changing your maiden name to a middle name. This is the exact same process you have to go through if you change your name from “Susan” to “Princess Consuela,” just a total start from scratch name change application. You also have to pay to have your name change printed in the newspaper so it’s a matter of public record.
The other option he gave is that if I wanted to be First Middle Newlast (which I really really don’t since my middle and new last names are both one syllable - and rhyme!) then I’d have to build up 6 points worth of identification that does not include my maiden name anywhere on it - because if my maiden name is listed anywhere they are FORCED to hyphenate since, you know, you can’t have “two last names.”
I asked if they couldn’t just write Newlast, First Maiden and drop my middle name? Nope! Maiden is still a “last name”! I asked if they could just write “Newlast, First” with no middle names at all. Nope! If you “have” “two last names” then they HAVE to hyphenate, whether you want them to or not! I asked if they could write Maiden New First Middle with no hyphen. Nope! Then we would be claiming that my new last name was actually my first name!
So after they have successfully crushed my spirit into teeny teeny teeny shards, the supervisor asks if I want to get a license with the hyphenated name, or just walk away with absolutely nothing. I figure it’s better to have my new last name written somewhere on the license (EVEN IF IT’S WRONG) than to just not have it anywhere so I reluctantly agree. At which point…he takes me back to the bitch’s counter.
She is helping someone else now, and says loudly and deliberately to him in the nastiest voice I’ve ever heard in my life “I wish I could help YOU but Little Miss Don’t Want To Hyphen has come back, so I have to deal with HER,” with blatant disgust and an eyeroll. I’m beyond trying to be polite so I just hand her my papers and she does her thing without once glancing up at me. Then, as she enters in my new official name, she actually starts singing “Maidenname HYPHEN Newwwww, Maidenname HYPHEN Newwwwww” in a singsongy voice. Yes, I am telling the truth. No, I am not exaggerating. Yes, really, for real.
For the record, if there’s anyone out there with any power to fire people at the DMV: This was at the Broadway & 34th Street office on the 8th Floor in Manhattan. She was the clerk working at counter 21. I believe she was wearing a polyester shiny brown shirt. Please, please, make sure she is punished.
So yes, that is how, after considering every single possible name change option other than hyphenating, I ended up with the only possible iteration of my name that I passionately dislike.
Regardless, there are a few morals to this story which hopefully might help someone!
1) In New York (City? State? not entirely sure), if you wish to keep your maiden name AND take your husband’s name, you cannot under any circumstances have your maiden name become your middle name, even if it is so stated on your marriage certificate.
2) If you do not want your maiden name and last name to be hyphenated, your maiden name cannot appear anywhere on your “name after marriage” blank on your marriage certificate. Even if I had not had my middle name listed and was simply Firstname Maidenname Newlastname on the marriage certificate, they would have HAD to hyphenate because the marriage certificate clearly states your maiden name, therefore indicating that it is a “last” name in the eyes of New York.
3) Those stereotypes about people who work at the DMV….not entirely unfair. I have met a number of not particularly pleasant people at the DMV before, but always thought “oh they’re not THAT bad, that stereotype is so undeserved; I’m sure they’re just overworked.” But no, some of them are actually pure pure evil.
That said…there may be a slight bit of light at the end of the tunnel. According to a messageboard post on Indiebride, the original poster had my same problem - when trying to get her marriage license. Later, another commenter expresses surprise at the problems people are describing because members of her family have had no trouble doing exactly what the others wished to do. But, she admits, she is in upstate New York, so perhaps the NYC rules are different from the state ones. Combining these two together…I realize that the reason my marriage license so explicitly states the exact name option that I wanted is probably because it was not obtained in New York City, but upstate. So, if this crazy psychotic ridiculous absurd enforced hyphenation rule is just an NYC law, then perhaps I can take my lovely perfect marriage certificate to the DMV upstate and get my license issued there!
So…does anyone know if (a) it is in fact possible to change your maiden name to your middle name in non-NYC parts of New York, or if (b) you need to be anywhere near your place of residence in order to get a license?
As an aside…after all this, I finally managed to drag myself to the Social Security office in the hopes that they might be less insane and just give me the name I want. I got a number, sat down, waited a while…and then saw a notice that Queens residents - AND QUEENS RESIDENTS ONLY - must go to their local Social Security office to get new/replacement/change cards. Residents of aaaany other borough can go to aaaany borough office that they please, but those Queens people? We have to keep them separate.
Most unsuccessful day ever.
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Share this post: It’s Always (@#&#% At The DMV
I hate the DMV. I think everyone has horror stories. I have lots.
I’m so sorry to hear how awful that experience was for you! I would try getting your name changed somewhere upstate. It could be a strange NYC only thing (like the Queens SSA rule), and worst case scenario, you wait in line for a while to find out you can’t. It’s worth a shot at the very least, or you’ll soon find that people are hyphenating you permanently!
btw - I changed my name was changed to: Firstname Maidenname Newlastname and everyone keeps asking me whether or not I want a hypen, even when there is no hyphen on my driver’s license. Drives me batty.
I’m so sorry…
I guess that I should look into it
because
my middle name and soon to be last name are the same thing
OMG, Mrs. Bluebell. I’ve had a mixed bag with the DMV in NYC. That’s the worst story I’ve heard. I don’t know what the rules are with hyphenation but I know for sure that the DMV is a state-run department so it’s not an NYC thing. I would recommend going upstate. Your story validates my decision not to change my name.
Good luck.
wow, how frustrating.
I can’t believe she started singing your maidenname-HYPHEN-married name. You should have complained about her demeanor to the supervisor!
Write a nasty letter at least. :-p
I’m so so sorry! That’s sounds absolutely horrifying!! I intend to do the 3-name to four-name bit, just as you, but I live in Colo. and hope it’s a bit more lax here….I’ll be sure to do more research on that and make sure….My sister went to four names as well, and she reported having a heck of a time getting the SSA to squeeze all her names for her card…but I do believe she was successful on that one. Good luck with the rest of your documents, and I do hope that one day you’re able to get your D.L. to be just the way your real name actually IS. I imagine the DMV loves sticking up people’s arses that “this is the way it is,” but does NYC law REALLY truly state that you can only have a name hypenated, i.e. do you have that in print??? That seems absurd! Could you complain to the DMV’s higher-ups? Yes, a little more time-consuming, but this just seems outrageously unjust, both the fact that they would not honor your request and the rude (and humiliating) manner in which they treated you. DMV workers do not reserve the right to be total @$$es just because they hate their jobs…
Definitely write a letter of complaint! They can tell you that it is against policy or whatever, but that is just pure harassment.
So sorry to hear all you’ve had to go through. I just don’t see how some people can just be so mean and unaccomodating with others and they don’t see they are doing this! I hope whatever name changing you still have to do will be a better experience! :0)
Brooklyn residents also have to go to the Brooklyn SS office.
I had my name changed exactly as you described First Name, Middle Name, Maiden Name, New Last Name and didn’t have a problem with that process at the social security office. I don’t have a NYS drivers license though. I wonder if when I ever go to apply for one I will have the same problem ?
I would imagine it’s a state rule, since the DMV is a state agency, but upstate they are more willing to ignore it while in NYC they take an especial pleasure (as you saw) in enforcing it. I would think this is true of a lot of things!
that sounds awful. my fiance already has a hyphenated last name! he doesn’t want me to take it either! i don’t know what i’ll do-I already have 2 middle names and then I’d have three last names!
That really is odd that the city and upstate would differ, since it’s all NY state. I’ve gone to dmv’s in the Bronx and in Putnam at different times for different reasons while living in the Bronx. What if you drove out to Nassau or up to Westchester and tried again? Maybe they were just a smidge ignorant on the subject. If you really wanted to push it you could ask for the regulation.
This is a painful, yet very funny story! Thanks so much for sharing. Last time I went to the DMV, the lady at the desk somehow had half of her pinky finger jammed into her ear as she talked DOWN to me- she never even pulled it out once. The DMV is like being in another country.
p.s. by the DMV’s higher-ups, I mean the whole department, not the specific people you were dealing with, because this seems to be a universal problem. I’m trying to think whose jurisdiction would that be under…the governor’s??? Is there an in-between?
btw, I just found a place to leave a complaint on the NY state’s DMV website, although I’m having troubles hyperlinking it here. The site lists a whole bunch of different ways to serve your complaint. Hope that helps!
clenched fists!!!! omg. so are you now:
First, Middle, NewLast?
or First, Middle Maiden-Newlast?
I got confused with when the bitch starting singing.
and just out of curiousity, why so anti-hyphenate?
I just wanted to add that I changed my name at the Social Security Office first. Once I did that, the rest of the agencies honored the name on there. Maybe that would help?
Hey everyone, thanks for commiserating!! 
Just to clarify, I know the DMV is a state agency, but marriage licenses are issued by town/cities, so the rules vary there. In NYC they would never have let me put my name as-is on my marriage license so my feeling is that they saw the marriage certificate as being incorrect so they were trying to “fix” that according to NYC law. My hope is that it’s just an NYC marriage-related rule, not an actual DMV one, since the indiebride poster explicitly said her family had encountered no problems doing the same thing upstate…. fingers crossed!!
Oh, and we have already filled out the online complaint form and gotten the mailing address for additional complaints to be sent, don’t worry!
My co-worker who is from New York and has lived here (not NYC) for 3 years still has her NY DL. She is listed as Firstname Maidenname Newlastname…no hyphen.
She did the same as you (and what I plan on doing-no hyphen, no dropping of the middle name) and they listed it like that for her. Although she got this DL in the 80’s….(seriously she has HUGE sholder pads in the picture) so the rules may hae changed. She said they wouldn’t list her middle name, just because there wasn’t enough space. I shared your post with her and she knows and hates that particular DMV! Yuck. So sorry!
#1 always make an appt for the DMV! In and out!
#2. Fill out the SS form online! Much easier and faster. You can also just send it all in. Takes 3 days!
i had a similar experience at the DMV recently. i went to the one on 34th and 7th. just as bad! i had to exchange my CA DL to a NY one and bc the name on CA displays middle, first, then last… whereas my SS card shows first, middle, last… they wouldn’t issue me a new DL! So i had to go to the SS office to get a new card! meanwhile, after i get married in 2 months, i’ll have to go through the process all over again!!! please let us know the outcome of your new name change. i plan on doing the same thing. first, maiden, newlast. NO HYPEN!
Good luck!
Sorry to hear about what you went through. Unfortunately, the Supervisor is right. As much as I would love to keep my maiden name as my middle name, the Queens County courthouse marriage license bureau said in the state of NY, you must hypenate. Therefore, my new name is now FirstName MaidenName-Husbands LastName. I actually like my new name.
To answer a few questions…
Chrissie - I had thought of trying the SSA first next time, but the way the supervisor explained it to me, it sounded like that would only work if I DIDN’T show them something like a marriage license in addition, which clearly states my maiden name. Because if they KNOW it’s a maiden name, they have to hyphenate it since it’s a “last” name. But that is still my next plan of action, just to see if it might work…
Mrs Spider - my new license will be First Middle Maiden-Newlast. Since that was what was “written” on my marriage certificate, he said there was no way to write anything other than that on the license. I’m just hoping I’m not making things worse for myself by getting a hyphenated record, b/c now it might be harder to UN-hyphenate than to just start over from scratch would have been….
As for why I didn’t want to hyphenate in the first place: part of me wanted to not change my name at all, but all the reasons I DID want to change it hinged on the us being a nice happy family unit all with the last name. So if I hyphenate, I’m not “keeping” my old name properly, but I STILL don’t have the same last name as my husband/kids!!! It just ends up being cumbersome and I’m still alphabetized by my maiden name, but not making any statement about how women shouldn’t HAVE to change their names either. It was just sort of a worst of both worlds option for me, personally (plus they just sound crappy together. )
You should write a LONG letter about her behavior. They have protocol at the state (even the DMV!) and hopefully it will go in her file. (ALONG WITH THE OTHERS.)
I’m not sure what MA’s rules are for changing your license after marriage, but I’m going to guess it involves like 10 forms of ID. When I switched my CA to MA, I had to provide for separate forms of ID to prove 4 separate things. And when they tell you that one thing is wrong, they like to “forget” to mention other things. So, I ended up making 4 trips to the DMV. And if you live in the Boston area, never ever ever never go to the Chinatown office.
Ugh, I’m sorry that was such a trial for you! DMV suuuucks. Hopefully you can get it changed!
oh dear G-d.
when my mom married in 1973 in ny state (westchester county) she was able to add her maiden name as her middle name. no hyphens.
Ugh. What a terrible awful experience. I can only commiserate. What I will say, though, is that for the past 9 or 10 years (before getting married), I used an additional middle name for just about everything (my grandmother’s maiden name). I never had my DL changed, nor SS, but never saw any problems with it - I’m known professionally, in school, etc. as Kaitlin MyMiddle GMMaiden MyLast. I signed everything with both middle initials, and even had CCs with both middle initials. The only issue I’ve ever had was signing the marriage license because I had to sign it exactly as my name appeared on my DL, which I didn’t realize. C’est la vie. When deciding to change my name, the DMV asked if I wanted Kaitlin Middle NewLast, hypenated, or Kaitlin MyLast Newlast….don’t know about having two middles, but things seemed to move pretty swiftly here without the issues you had.
I’m SO sorry and hope you can figure it all out. At the very least, just start calling yourself with the two middle names or two middle initials….
Wow, you surely kept your composure. After talking to the supervisor and hearing the clerk’s attitude, I would have just cussed her out or at least stormed out of there. I wouldn’t have been able to make a decision like yours so quickly too, considering how much you didn’t want it hyphenated. I think you should keep that on hold until you are able to figure out if it will be better upstate. Once they have it processed, it might be harder to change it again?
I think you’re making a huge issue out of nothing. Honestly, I could not even finish reading this post and as I thought it was utterly ridiculous.
wow. that’s typical unfortunately but after working in an unemployment office for a summer i can see why and how it happens…people are just as rude and it wears you down. not that you were rude. i’m just saying.
anyhow, i’ve found that the busier the office, the higher stress the clerks are under and more likely to snap…that said, i always drive to the next town over when i need to go to the dmv. the benefits outweigh the 15 minute drive [versus a couple minutes]: shorter lines AND nicer clerks. they actually ask you how you’re doing. so try that option. do you guys have appointments? we can make appointments in california and that ALWAYS makes it tons faster [or get up and go earlier in the morning]. good luck!
I went to that same office and changed to first maiden last with no issues whatsoever. The lady barely looked at my documents. If you are going to do the no marriage license route - get your SS card and passport changed first - that is 6 points and enough to get you a license with the name you want.
I hate to tell you this, but I had my driver’s license changed to First/Maiden-as-middle/Husband’s-Last at that very same DMV in early March. It was no problem at all. My license (same as my prior license) chopped the middle down to my middle initial, so I went in as (fake name) Mary Elizabeth Johnson (license reading, Johnson, Mary E) and came out as Mary Johnson Smith (license reading, Smith, Mary J). I didn’t want to keep Elizabeth, so maybe that’s why they were giving you a hard time (two middle names).
You are trying to do EXACTLY what I want to do! We had a civil ceremony at city hall. We are moving to Texas before our “real” wedding though, so I’m hoping name-change laws are easier there.
Jen, I think it’s rude to say something like that. Mrs. Bluebell’s post obviously had some relevance to many other people, and I think your comment was unhelpful. Mrs. Bluebell had a problem at the DMV, and had you perhaps read the rest of it, you’d see why. In this day and age, there are all sorts of variations to name changes after weddings, and unless you work at the DMV, I’d think it would be of some interest to you.
Really, your comment had no point, other than being rude. Mrs. Bluebell’s problem urged me to check the rules in my own city, so thanks, Mrs. Bluebell!
I’ve heard about this potential problem and read a suggestion that a pp has already mentioned.
Use your marraige license to get a new SS card…
Use your new SS card and marraige license to get a new passport…
Use your new SS card and new passport to get a new license.
Hope it works!
Unfortunately, you not only had to deal with terrible, unprofessional people at the DMV, but with Jen (comment #31) accusing you of being ridiculous for wanting a license with your actual name on it. The nerve! And you wanted people to treat you like a human being, instead of a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe. Shocking! So I’m sorry for what you had to go through.
I think the suggestion reiterated in comment #37 is really the way to go. And then write complaint letters about the woman and her supervisor, and mail them to everyone above them in the chain of command whose contact information you can find, letting them know that you expect to be kept informed of how they are dealing with the problem.
Did my comment get eaten?
Well, it is terrible that you not only had to deal with rotten, unprofessional people at the DMV, but with the comment from Jen (#31). How dare you expect to use your own name? And you expect people to treat you like a human being instead of a piece of disgusting gum stuck to the bottom of your sure? How inappropriate!
I would follow the suggestion reiterated in comment #37. I would also write letters of complaint to everyone above these people in the chain of command (whose contact info you can find), informing them that you want to be kept in the loop about what is being done to address the problem. I might first return to the DMV (or call them) to get her name. That woman was out of line in every way.
I’m so sorry for all the trouble you went through…. but thank you at least for the “Friends”/Phoebe reference to Princess Consuela (Bananahammock)! I always think about that when people talk about changing their name.
In Oregon the DMV employees don’t wear badges and refuse to give out their names “for security reasons.” So you can’t even complain.
Sorry you’re having such a name change hassle. I think it’s ridiculous that they make it hard on you to do anything other than the traditional. Mr Mouse is changing his name too (we’ll be mylast hislast no freaking hyphen), but our friend in California can’t do that very easily because they have different rules for changing men’s names than women’s.
And Jen, it’s kinda a small thing to get upset about on one hand- it’s just a name on your driver’s license, but on the other hand our names are our identities and to be told you can only have the one they’ll give you is upsetting.
Finally- anyone else think DMV lady has weird name trauma in her past she’s working out through childish behavior? Like she didn’t want to really change her name so she resents people who don’t?
Oops, I mean you can’t complain about the DMV employee, not that NYers can’t complain about their DMV.
Arrgghhh– I feel so bad for you! Some DMV employees are really cool, but that particular one sucked donkeys!
My FI once bribed a DMV employee– slipped her a $20 so that she wouldn’t make him stand in a second long line. And she took it. No joke. That’s why I’m posting anonymously, hehe.
Hmm… How about the social security office? Did you get your social security card to reflect the change? I tried to get mine: and the SS office returned my card with just . I somehow convinced the DMV though to put my maiden name as my middle name… but yeah, I guess my issue is a bit diff from yours…
I’ve had my maiden name serve as my middle name for years without problem (married in Illinois, though). Thought that battle was fought long ago!
You of course do not have to take the word of an overly-officious and rude DMV employee in lieu of New York State law.
Perhaps you could check with your US Senator - you know, Hillary Rodham Clinton?
I have no intention of ever changing my name, but it’s hyphenated to begin with (which, btw, is a totally fine way to go through life, to all you non-hyphenaters out there) and the ladies at the DMV had quite the problem.
The problem is my name, including my middle name, is 42 characters long. It wasn’t going to fit - but they stood around, two or three of these ladies, trying to figure out what to do.
One of them suggested removing the vowels.
I suggested shortening my middle name to my middle initial. We went with that.
My cousin, who also has both their parent’s last names, got listed on her license as “Jane Smith aka Jane Doe” even though she goes by Jane Smith Doe, no hyphen - so maybe they would be willing to let you do that?
And I agree muchly that this should be brought to the attention of Ms. Rodham Clinton, as she did not even add the Clinton until Bill started to run for office.
Also, it doesn’t matter too much, as long as your SS card is changed and stuff, whether the hyphen is there or not. My credit card companies won’t add hyphens to the card even though its there legally, and who the hell cares how you write it?
cab07 is totally right. Go to the SSA first and then use their documentation to change everything else. Best of luck. I hope going upstate works. And if you do need a court order to get exactly what you want, it’s expensive but not so bad.
The only bad thing about having 2 middle names is that forms usually only ask for 1 middle initial, so to make everything match up the second middle name is basically nonexistent. But you probably know this already, and is the compromise you want to make.
I was born with 2 middle names and it was sometimes a hassle. Example: your name does not fit well onto a driver’s license, so sometimes airport counter people try to check you in as Firstname SecondMiddleName and scare you by saying you are not on the flight.
When I did change my name (not through marriage), I got a court order officially getting rid of the 2nd middle name.
You need to complain to the DMV–not about the name, but about that woman’s behavior. I’ve been to that DMV myself, and some people are rude, some are OK. But there is NO excuse for being treated like that, and she need to learn it, otherwise it will just escalate. Please, call the DMV. I wish you had gotten her name.
Jen - it’s not just the hyphen issue to be upset about, I think it’s how Mrs. Bluebell was treated. I would be furious if a DMV employee started *singing* the name that I didn’t want to have on my license, emphasizing the part Mrs. Bluebell did not want in her name and rubbing it in - !? That’s inexcusable and just inappropriate for any employee in customer service.
karebearlbc - I dont know what state you live in, but as far as I know you can’t make appointments at the DMVs in NY or NJ… (my experience).
Sorry to hear about that, Mrs. Bluebell! I had a pretty crappy DMV experience too, though it definitely wasn’t as bad as yours!
In my case, the DMV didn’t want to change my ‘firstname middlename maidenname’ to ‘middlename maidenname newlastname’ even though I had the marriage license, SS office info, etc. I admit I actually just sat and harped at her until she changed it.
Wonder if some of those awful employees are just on whatever sad little power trip they can grasp? It might explain some of the behavior.
Here’s the thing and you can all continue to jump down my throat. I saw a woman jump off a freaking building today so forgive me if I’m a little rude. Make an appointment, check out the policies beforehand, find a clerk who seems like he or she is in a good mood, be friendly, go on an off day or go to a less busy office. There are options here. The DMV gets a bum rap everywhere. My sis did an internship in the local DMV for a credit course and you know what? Towards the end of the semester she did get ruder because of the crud that she needed to deal with. Personally, I’ve never had a problem. I’ve even been allowed to retake my license photos until I am happy with them. But that’s just me and apparently I’m rude like that.
“Here’s the thing and you can all continue to jump down my throat. I saw a woman jump off a freaking building today so forgive me if I’m a little rude.”
Um, what? Sorry that you saw that, but that doesn’t have to do with anything that we’re talking about here or the DMV.
“Make an appointment, check out the policies beforehand, find a clerk who seems like he or she is in a good mood, be friendly, go on an off day or go to a less busy office. There are options here.”
I don’t know where you live, but here in NYC, there’s no option to “find a clerk” who’s in a “good mood” (not that I know how you can figure out who’s in a good mood at a quick glance. The person who’s constantly smiling all the time perhaps? That would be kind of creepy. Maybe it’ll be the one who’s wearing the shirt that says “I’m in a good mood! Talk to me!”). You pick a number and you go where your told. That’s it. Also, not all of us have the free time to pick and choose an “off day” or “off hours” to go to the DMV. We have jobs, we have lives; we go when we can. And when we go, is it so hard to expect to actually get our goals accomplished when we’re there? The point is that you shouldn’t HAVE to go at an off time just to get something done. Also, from Ms. Bluebell’s post, it seems like she approached the clerk in a perfectly nice and pleasant manner and it was the clerk who decided to take her bad day out on her.
“The DMV gets a bum rap everywhere. My sis did an internship in the local DMV for a credit course and you know what? Towards the end of the semester she did get ruder because of the crud that she needed to deal with. Personally, I’ve never had a problem.”
I’ve never had a big problem with the DMV either. But guess what? I totally believe that someone else can. Get it? I sympathize with your sister. If she dealt with a lot of crap, then it’s totally understandable she wouldn’t be 100% pleasant all the time. But there’s a difference between not being your nicest and going OUT OF YOUR WAY to be mean and malicious. That’s the distinction your failing to grasp here Jen. And that was the point of Ms. Bluebell’s post.
“I’ve even been allowed to retake my license photos until I am happy with them.”
Good for you.
“But that’s just me and apparently I’m rude like that.”
Yup.
Thanks everyone! I think my official course of action is going to be trying to go to the SSA office first to get that changed, and then go to the DMV upstate to see if they’ll recognize marriage license + SS card as legitimate proof that my maiden name is now a middle name…. But I feel much better hearing everyone’s suggestions and options and knowing that yes, in the real world, making your maiden name your middle name is an ACTUAL THING THAT HAPPENS and I haven’t just lost my mind.
Jen - I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but, honestly, whenever people have moments of sudden clarity that bring what’s really important into perspective…doesn’t EVERYTHING seem stupid? What were you even doing reading a wedding website, where 99% of the posts would be pointless and unimportant anyway? I just feel like whatever you were feeling yesterday is perfectly understandable but none of it entitles you to leave personal attacks (with no explanation) on other people’s blog entries. Also, if you didn’t even FINISH reading my post…you probably only read up to the part where it really WASN’T that bad yet. All this to say, if you had posted “I witnessed someone jumping off a roof today, so I’m coming to realize that things like an unpleasant experience at the DMV, while frustrating, really aren’t the end of the world. I’m sure you can work this out somehow” - I would have had zero problem with you. My problem isn’t that you know what’s really important in life and were trying to get me to see perspective, my problem is that you by your own admission didn’t even take the time to READ my post yet still felt that your opinion was important enough to take the time out of your day to personally attack me.
Regardless, if you’d actually read my post, you’d see that the issue I had at the DMV wasn’t even “ooh they weren’t nice enough to me,” it was that I was 100% powerless in choosing my own name, and the clerk chose to ridicule & taunt me, and maliciously rub that fact in my face. Is it a life and death issue? Obviously not. Is it still something that would be upsetting to 99.999% of people? Yes.
And FYI I was 100% polite and pleasant to her until she started screaming at me because I asked her to clarify what she was saying. And at that point, she could certainly hear an edge in my voice but I didn’t say anything other than polite questions. No doubt her job is frustrating, but when you have a ridiculous rule about hyphenating in a world where everybody and her mother is going First Maiden Newlast with no hyphen, you should be able to explain that rule to people without yelling. And as far as I’m concerned, if she’d seen 50 people jump off a roof that day, that still comes nowhere near justifying her singing. That was nothing but childish cruelty, and there was no reason for me to be the person she lashed out on.
I would’ve come unglued at the DMV lady. I have no patience or tolerance when it comes to people like that.
holy crap! i hope i don’t encounter the same kind of problem here in california since i want to do the same thing you’re doing. but i have another problem i’m thinking about now… my marriage license only has my first middle maiden name on it, NOT my married name at the end. is this going to be a problem when i want to change my name? i thought this was the right way to do it since it technically was my name at the time we got the license. now you have me worried!
GelliBelly - the New York marriage license has two name blanks. You have to fill out the “bride” line with your current name, but then there is a second blank called “bride’s name after marriage” where you put what you intend to change your name to - and use this as proof of your name change when you go to report it to the other offices (otherwise, the marriage license itself doesn’t actually “change” anything; it just authorizes you to make the change.) My guess is that if you don’t have a second blank for your after marriage name, the California procedure is just that you can use the marriage license as proof that you’re married, and then choose your new name AFTER that? Not sure, but good luck in any case!!
my mother has two last, un-hyphenated names. She lives in the Rochester, NY area, and I know that the name change was legitimate, although I have no idea what her DL says.
I do believe upstate does have some different rules in this arena, however I did want to say that her name is a point of issue for her no matter what she does. Cell phone bill, land-line listing, people writing checks out to her, or for that matter getting a bank account… EVERYONE screws it up, hyphenates it, leaves off one name etc. etc. She had to get a passport twice because somehow the rule makers had managed to mangle her names. I empathize with you because I wanted to have the two name thing too, but on the other hand watching her being so infuriated gives me second thoughts…
Team Hyphenless!
p.s. Boo hiss Jen. Poor manners.
hi miss bluebell,
that was the same assumption that i made! there is no second blank, so i hopefully i can just take the license to the dmv as is and change my name accordingly! ::crossing fingers::
[...] after my exceedingly difficult time at the DMV last week, I finally dragged myself over, in fear, to the Social Security office in [...]
Mrs. Bluebell-
I just read about your story on yahoo.com! There is an article on their front page about 10 things the DMV won’t tell you. I started reading the discourteous service part…and I was thinking, this story sounds really familiar! I’m glad you got this kind of attention for your story because it was such a horrible experience that no one should have to deal with.
Awww thanks Jennifer!!! I was just about to post on that now! I’m so flattered that you recognized it was me! Hehe. And I’m also so glad I finally got my ACTUAL name on my license and SS card and it’s DONE now! Take THAT DMV lady!! 
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Mrs. Bluebell, New York
Age and Occupation in 07: 26, Finance Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Playing with the cat and/or Consulting
Engagement Date: December 25, 2005
Wedding Date: June 2007
Venue: Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks
About Me: Trying to find the perfect balance between family tradition (marrying at the house everyone else in my family gets married at), making our's modern, interesting and different from everyone else in my family's, and incorporating some Chinese tradition for my Chinese fiance. I really have no idea what it's going to end up looking like!
Also, I picked Miss Bluebell for my name because I have blue eyes and I'm a loser like that.
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