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One Funeral and a Wedding
July 20th, 2007 @ 3:48 pm by Guest
by Sarah A.
My second day back to work after the honeymoon, my counterpart at another organization called and asked point-blank what was going on. Apparently a month earlier, he’d called and asked for me, and was told I was “on leave due to a personal tragedy.” Two weeks later, he called again and was told I was on my honeymoon. Both answers were right.
On June 10, thirteen days before my wedding (and seven days before my birthday), my father was killed in a single-vehicle accident. Having lost my mother to breast cancer twenty years ago, and having been “Daddy’s Little Girl” since long before that, it was a huge, horrible surprise. Absolutely the worst thing I could imagine happening. As my tearful fiance called his parents and my boss, I could do nothing but pace around the house, mumbling “Oh my God,” and “I just can’t believe it” and “What am I going to do?”
What I had to do first was call the coroner, then my father’s widow (who had been driving, and I think still believes I blame her for the accident), then his sister, to try to plan out the next week. About four hours after we got the phone call, we cancelled a huge pre-wedding party that had been planned for the following weekend, emailing everyone we could think of, and posting the news on our wedding website. Then I wrote a eulogy because I couldn’t sleep, and went to bed. Still awake few hours later, I emailed a friend whose father had died of a heart attack just days before her planned elopement, and asked her to call me as soon as she could.
Talking to Jen was probably the most worthwhile thing I did in that first 24 hours. She didn’t answer the “what am I going to do” question like I sort of hoped she would, but she did explain what she had done, and why. She told me she’d taken guidance from Jewish tradition, in which funerals are non-events in comparison with weddings. Later, my boss would say something that sounded awful at the time, but actually made a lot of sense: “At this point, you’re going to get married without your Dad there anyway, so why put it off?” And of course everyone–even me–would have to admit “it’s what he would have wanted.”
So a week and a half before my wedding, I dropped off a pair of “Father of the Bride” socks at the funeral home, and my future father in law called the tux shop to cancel Dad’s order, while his wife warned the florist that we’d need one less boutonniere. We had emailed all the vendors before we’d left for Illinois, explaining we’d be incommunicado and that frankly, they were on their own for all last-minute decision making.
For many, Dad’s wake was the first time they met Greg–we dated for three years, but in another time zone. In fact, since Dad and his wife had moved to another area years after I’d left Illinois, a lot of their current friends had never even met me…but they’d heard all of Dad’s stories. Over and over again I heard how proud he was of me, and how excited he was about the wedding. One couple even mentioned how excited he was to wear a tux, something he’d given me no end of ribbing about. On the other hand, the whole situation left some folks understandably speechless, or hopelessly awkward. One woman, upon hearing I was still getting married, sighed and said “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.” As a groomsman later noted in his blog, “this left everyone speechless at the time, but later became an unofficial motto for the wedding.”
After the funeral, we spent another day in Illinois before returning to our home in Maryland to continue packing for the wedding in Massachusetts. My fiance received a few more RSVPs for the now-cancelled party, and explained the situation as gently as he could via email, then made contact with the vendors again. We bought a case for the flag from Dad’s coffin, and a tenth small memorial candle (adding to those for my mom and our grandparents), still without a clear idea on how they would be used. I looked online for ideas as to how to honor my parents without getting overly weepy, and decided to put photos of them on what would have been their seats. I very
quickly decided to walk down the aisle alone, but instructed Greg to come and get me if it looked like I wasn’t going to make it.
My June 17 birthday passed very quietly, as no one really knew what to say. The following day, we drove to Greg’s parents’ house (our venue) and tried to focus on the future. His family echoed a lot of what I’d heard at the wake, even though most of them had only met Dad once. We took a lot of time to ourselves during that last week, to Greg’s parents’ endless frustration (especially when we “accidentally” turned off the cell phone), but I knew the wedding-related questions they had were just not that important, and that they could make the decisions themselves if we forced them to.
As it turned out, seeing my relatives and Dad’s friends at the wedding wasn’t as horrifically emotional as I feared it might be, since I’d just seen them a week or so before. We built a makeshift “altar” out of a coffee table on stilts, and placed the flag and candles on it. I got down the aisle just fine, I didn’t break down when the priest talked about my Dad, and I just barely cried during the matron of honor’s speech. My aunt refused to sit in the row behind my parents’ seats, for fear she would break down, but later found out the photos I’d placed on them were kind of silly (apt for them), and a friend’s snapshot catches her chuckling at them. (Photos throughout the day indicate that when the ceremony chairs were moved across the yard to the tent for dinner, my parents’ chairs went untouched; they were still in place the next morning.)
The worst breakdown (so far…) came on the second to last day of the honeymoon, when I realized my dad would still be dead when we got home. After four days at work, I still encounter people who knew about one life event but not the other, so I’m never quite sure why people are hugging me until they say “I’m so sorry” or “I heard it was beautiful.” Because of the timing of the events, we get condolences cards, birthday cards, and wedding cards all at once. I probably did more growing-up in June than I did for years before: suddenly I’m no one’s daughter, and I’m someone’s wife.
photo by Elizabeth Home
63 Responses to “One Funeral and a Wedding”
Wow. And thank you for sharing.
Yours is an incredible story of strength. My sincere best wishes to you and your husband.
Wow indeed. I’d like to offer my condolences for your father and to congratulate you and your husband on your marriage. Thank you for writing this for us all. You are a very strong person.
Wow. I’m speechless. This is a wonderful post, and so very heartbreaking. My condolences, and best wishes for you and your husband.
Oh Sarah, I know I don’t know you but I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. For something like that to happen so suddenly in the midst of such a happy occasion must have been incredibly difficult for you so kudos to you for being able to pull through it with such strength.
Anyway, congratulations on your marriage. I wish for a lifetime of happiness ahead for you both.
this is such an incredible story, thank you for sharing
My uncle passed away a week before my cousin’s wedding (the groom’s uncle, not his father). We’ve had a lot of funerals in the past 6 years and that’s really the only time we all so eachother because I have such a big family. So in a way it was a blessing to know that in just a week, we’d have a positive reason to get together. I’m sure this was even more intense, because it was your father and you were so close, but I know my family and I would not have done it any other way.
Sarah, I’m so sorry about your father - how tragic and shocking. It sounds as though he was a very excited and proud father of the bride and would be so happy for you today to know that you had a beautiful wedding and were so strong throughout.
I wish you and your husband all the best.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sure your family is very proud of you. You sound like an incredibly strong woman.
my condolences to your family for your loss. congratulations, however, on your marriage - although you have lost a part of your family, you have also gained a part. i am happy that you have had the support through this time. i hope you have a wonderful life together with your new husband.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My most sincere condolences!
I’m in the same boat– my mom died a month after I got engaged after her short battle with cancer. I thought about postponing the wedding but everyone had told me that no matter what has happened or what will happen my mom will be there with me through it all– and so I write to you with a heavy heart, because I know how you felt/feel… but I’ve had so much support from friends and family and somehow I know that my mom has seen me through with mourning for her.
In 8 days as I walk down the aisle, I’m scared that I might not make it– but even more so, I’m scared to choose to celebrate the day I become someone’s wife or to mourn that my mom was not able to see me on my wedding day.
I pray for peace and understanding for you– and for continued strength as you mourn your loss… and I hope that this will bring you and your husband closer together and that you two will get a better understanding of things somehow…
Thank you for sharing.
I don’t even know what to say besides that I am so so sorry. I also want to thank you for reminding all the rest of us to be thankful for the friends and family that will surround us on such a joyful day and that they should never be taken for granted.
I’m a little weepy here at my desk–but thank you so much for sharing. You are a very strong person indeed.
your story touched my heart, and i’m so sorry for your loss. i wish you all the best in love and life and happiness!
Wow. You must be an incredibly strong person to not only handle the funeral and go through with the wedding, but also to return to your regular life and write about it for Weddingbee.
Congratulations on your marriage, and my condolences for the loss of your father. My husband lost his mother to cancer only weeks after we were engaged, and she was greatly missed throughout the planning and on our wedding day. It was a terrible thing, but life does have to go on. As you said, you gotta do what you gotta do. And I know Joan would not have been happy if we changed our plans, so we honored her on our day and went forward.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Deepest sympathies.
Thank you for your strength and courage to share with us.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I admire your strength and I wish you and your husband a very happy marriage.
This subject is very important to me and my fiance as his father just passed away three weeks ago, a month and a half before our wedding.
We’re having a friend of his and his brother play a song as our interlude and plan to light a candle in remebrance of him.
Your pictures were very helpful and touching. My condolences for your loss.
Thank you so much for sharing… I have no words, but that I wish you and your husband the best. Thank you for putting life into perspective for all of us.
Oh my god. I, like most of your friends and family, am speachless! We have something in common — my birthday is also June 17th. The one thing I do know is that Gemini’s are very strong and amazing at taking care of other, but not so good at letting others take care of them.
Congratulations to you and your new husband. I’m sure he’ll be a huge source of strength for you and you’ll work very hard to build your new family — just the two of you and maybe someday children. Your father will never really be gone because you won’t let his memory die. Your kids will know how amazing their grandparents were because you’ll tell them stories and show them pictures.
I wish you nothing but the best and I hope your heart heals as you share your life with your husband.
What a great story and great writing. Thanks for sharing.
That was such a beautiful and moving story. If it’s your kind of thing, I’d encourage you to share it even more widely in a print publication.
Thank you for having the courage to share this story and to show us all what life and love are really about. My deepest condolences to you and my most sincere congratulations to you and your husband. Here’s to wishing you a lifetime of love, happiness and joy.
wow - thank you for sharing. I am all teary-eyed at work. I can’t even imagine what you are going through.
this was beautifully written and it moved me tremendously. i am sorry for your loss but i hope you know that your father is up there smiling down at you both. bundles of happiness to you and your newlywed husband!
Thank you for this post. You brought me to tears reading it. While I am so sad that this happened to you, I congratulate you on being the strong woman that you are with such a great partner in life. May your marriage be filled with the happiness you deserve.
Thanks all for your kind words. I really felt I needed to share it with you, first because weddingbee was my #1 resource for so long, it’s like I almost know a lot of you; but second, because there is so little information out there on how to deal with a situation like this. I would hope that’s because so few people are in this situation–I certainly wouldn’t wish it on anyone!
In the end, we had a beautiful funeral and a beautiful wedding, each very separate. I can’t help comparing it to a wedding I attended a few years ago, where the death of a family member three months earlier haunted the entire event. That’s no way to start a marriage. We didn’t ignore the fact that he was gone, but we didn’t go out of our way to make it a secondary focus to the wedding.
I would never imagine myself to be as strong as this essay apparently makes me look–I left out a whole lot of crying and self-pity– but…well, you see why “you gotta do what you gotta do” caught on.
(ps - sorry to make everybody cry at work!)
That was an incredible post, thank you so much for sharing. You must be a very strong woman, and I’m sure your husband feels so lucky to have married you.
I guess that teaches us to read Weddingbee at work, huh? 
Thank you very much for sharing.
And reminding all of us that are freaking out over wedding favors and the exact shade of burgundy, that family and close friends is what really matters.
I’m speechless as well, and I appreciate you sharing your story with the rest of us.
I’m speechless…I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal.
I’m truly inspired by your strength through this unimaginable event. Keep your head up. P.S. My FI just walked in and asked why I was crying…..
i’m sitting here so moved and touched in a way that i thought was not really possible by a simple blog entry…..beautifully written and portrayed….thanks for sharing and looking forward to more entries….
Like everyone else, I don’t know what to say. Your story puts so much in perspective. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Incredibly sad and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Your strength is so beautiful and it touched my heart. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best in the new chapter of your life as a wife. Congratulations on being a new wife.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You are an incredibly strong woman.
My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank You so much for writing this. My little sister’s fiance was just killed last Friday (the 13th). He was shot to death in front of a gas station in montebello, CA at 3:20 in the morning. No reason at all. Just shot to death by a random person.
My family is devastated and I feel terribly guilty about planning a wedding while my family is mourning.
My wedding day is only 26 days away and I do not know how we are going to celebrate while still dealing with his horrific death.
Thank you for posting. I felt touched by your story.
I only hope that my sister can learn to live again and she won’t be too traumatized by my wedding day.
The love you have for your father is so apparent in this story. Good for you for taking the time to greive and to celebrate.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Sarah, thank you for sharing. you put life back in perspective and remind us that the little things really are just little. i’m glad you have such a supportive husband to help you through this and thank you again for being so brave as to share your life with us. more people are proud of you than you will ever meet
I saw the title of this post and my heart stopped beating. For a moment, I thought someone had written a post about me. But reading (and crying) through your post, I realized something very, very important. At times like this, it is easy to get wrapped up in our own pain, to feel like no one else can possibly understand what we are going through, to feel lost and alone. For the past few weeks, I have felt like that. But now I do not. So I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being brave enough to post your whole story, emotions and all. You have inspired me to do the same…
Best wishes to you and your new husband. May your life togther bring you both joy, and may your memories always keep you warm.
Thank you for sharing this story. You’re amazing.
i’m sorry to hear about your loss.
thanks for sharing your experiences with us…this is one incredible story and you’re one amazingly courageous woman.
may God be near to you and your family.
I can’t imagine how things have been for you, my best friend/Matron of Honor’s dad passed away from a heart attack months before her wedding–everyone was shocked and Kelly and her family were tremendously strong. They continued to plan a wedding and imagine moving on and really leaned on those around them–I hope you were able to do the same.
I love that you told all your vendors to make their own decisions and that you had the peace of mind to know that nothing that they could have done either way would have been significant in the grand sceme of things–they were just flowers, music, etc.
I teared up and smiled all at once imagining Greg needed to meet you in the aisle–how strong are you to make it down the aisle and continue to share your story…best wishes!
I am so sorry for your pain. But It does seem divine that your father was able to be there for you in life up until the point he knew you had someone else who would care for you. I know that gave him so much peace in his thoughts as he entered heaven.
amazing story. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to go through such intense events so close together. I am moved by your strength. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story.
My deepest condolences, and thank you for sharing this beautifully written story with us.
what an incredible story. thank you for sharing your strength with us.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this. I hope you had a beautiful wedding day.
And remember — you are still someone’s daughter.
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your story.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Sarah, I can’t say how much I appreciate you writing this. It truly touched a sore spot personally in a way that made me feel… better. Thank you so much for your honesty and beautiful writing.
My condolences on your loss, and congratulations on becoming a wife.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Very moving and inspiring.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can share some of your pain as my Dad was involved in an accident (explosion and fire) on September 1st. I was to be wed to my fiance on September 8, but we postponed so that my Dad would be able to celebrate with us after he was released in 3-4 weeks. My Dad was in the hospital for a week and a half healing and awaiting a second surgery when he unexpectedly passed away on September 12. I made it through the funeral and now we are trying to reschedule the wedding. I know he will always be with me and closer than ever as I walk down the aisle to meet my husband-to-be. I hope I can be as strong as you. Thanks again for telling your story and may you have a beautiful married life.
