I just don’t want a million of them coming to our wedding. But yesterday, Mr. Radish’s mother called and informed us that one of his cousins (and he has over 40 first cousins) asked her if he could bring his three kids to the reception. She told him yes… before she even checked with us! Most of Mr. Radish’s cousins are older than him and they are already married with kids, so if they all started bringing kids we’d be in real trouble.
We’ve also had two other guests that went ahead and wrote in the names of their kids on the reply card, even though I was very careful not to include the names of children on the inner envelopes. I thought that would be enough to give people the hint. Apparently not.
Now we are trying to decide what to do about this. We could call these people and tell them that their children are not invited, but is it worth possibly hurting anyone’s feelings or offending them over it? I looked over our guest list and it’s only about 10 kids that might end up tagging along. It only costs us $7 per kid, but we are kind of worried about space issues more than anything else. Also, our reception venue is an old historic mansion that has a lot of antiques in it. I don’t want any wild bands of kids running around and breaking anything.
We did invite about 20 children who are either in the wedding, or Mr. Radish’s nieces and nephews (he has 12). So there will be a fair number of kids there anyway. I hope if we call people and tell them not to bring their kids they won’t show up and feel tiffed when they see all of these other kids there. Hopefully they will realize that those are kids that we had to invite.
Is anyone else having this problem? How are you handling it?
I would call and gently tell them that you can’t accomodate their children. Don’t tell them why, just say it won’t be possible.
As for the first cousin, I would have Mr. Radish’s mom call to explain she made a mistake.
The small bit of hurt this may cause is far better than having dozens of other relatives hurt that they couldn’t bring their children when others could.
I feel your pain about kids at a wedding. We were actually very bold about children not being invited and went ahead and partially filled out the rsvp card with only the names invited. Sorry Emily Post. When a few people did rsvp w. children (squeezing their names in!)- Momma Buckeye stepped in to be the grinch!
I agree with Amie…
This has been a hot topic for the Peppermints as well. We have three kids (ages 4-7) in the wedding party and a few family members with children (adding about five more kids to the mix). The site has a strict policy about kids, so we’ve been walking a fine line with allowing some kids and not others.
I think it’s best to make a firm rule because once you start making exceptions you start alienating people…
I agree with the Go Amie that you should call the people who RSVPed with their kids and get his mother to call the cousin. I’m sure at least some of the cousins communicate regularly, so if you don’t tell him that his kids can’t come, pretty soon they’ll all want to bring their kids! Blanket policies (in this case, only nieces/nephews and wedding party) usually work best.
i’m doing the same thing as AOEBuckeye, pre-printing all names on the RSVP cards so that there’s no mistaking who’s invited. that, plus the “2 seats have been reserved for you” should help the don’t-add-any-more-guests-cuz-they’re-not-invited message come across.
regarding the kiddos, i have to invite them. but i stopped at my 1st cousins. my 2nd cousins and family friends’ kids are not invited. if they ask or add them in, i’ll be calling them with the sad news. or have my mom call… hehe! good luck on the predicament miss radish!
I think GoAime’s way sounds like a plan – but yes, I imagine they will be tiffed when they see other kids running around. Honestly, I totally agree with you on principle, and think it’s SO SO SOOOOOO rude to write in children’s names when they are not on the invitation (and don’t even get me started on your FMIL telling people before asking you, makes my blood boil!!)…..but the (somewhat) reasonable non-bridezilla side of me says what is really the difference between having 20 kids, or having 30 kids? If you have a blanket policy you must stick with it.
I agree that as long as you have a uniform policy, there shouldn’t be any hurt feelings. We decided no kids at our reception – related or not (we aren’t having any children in the ceremony). But we also didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make it difficult for those who are traveling to be there with us. So we’re having a “kids party” next door to reception and the children have received their own separate invite to this party.
This is, without a doubt, my biggest wedding-related annoyance. You have my sympathies! Our RSVP card read, “we have x seats reserved in your honor” and I had two couples (FMIL’s relatives, of course) RSVP to include their children GAH.
My FMIL, after saying she would deal with it, chickened out and made me do it…with people I barely knew. So I sent them an extremely apologetic note (I highly recommend this route) saying that we were so excited to celebrate with them, so terribly mortified for any miscommunication, but unfortunately we weren’t able to accomodate their children at our wedding yadda yadda.
I like the note route b/c it doesn’t force you to have an uncomfortable conversation with your guests. I know that a blanket policy makes things easier (and we have one), but truthfully: it’s my wedding, if your kid is a screamer or ill-behaved I’m not going to want him/her there, blanket or not! Feel free to proceed as you wish on this one.
The main problem that I see is that the people who did get the hint and aren’t bringing their children may get insulted when they see plenty of kids running around. Especially if they know the kids are the children of their own sisters and brothers, and not the more closely related nephews and nieces of Mr Lemon. “Why them and not me??” You need a uniform policy, and you have to stick to it. People do things like rudely write their childrens’ names in because they don’t think they’re going to get called on it. The sad thing is you’re either going to have to call them on it, or risk insulting the polite guests.
Since we’re on the subject of FMILs- mine asked her nephew’s children to be our ring bearers without asking me! I did not even want any kids in our wedding, but had them anyway because I couldn’t tell them no after that.
I think its going to be hard to have some kids at the wedding who aren’t in the bridal party and not other kids without hurting feelings.
But its your wedding and your choice about who to invite. And space issues are certainly a reasonable thing to cite when explaining why you can’t invite all the 1st-cousins-once-removed, even though you are squeezing in nieces and nephews. 
I feel for you.
I told my FMIL that I don’t want children our Friday evening wedding. She replied, “I’d hate to have to tell my family that they can’t bring their kids.” Then she asked if 16 yr olds can come. I said OK – I’ve met mature 16 yr olds. But then she asked if the 16 yr’s 10 yr sibling could come. I said no. She then asked expressed her concern that there were at least six other kids under the age of 5 that she had hoped to invite. I explained that I wanted an adults-only event, that children’s meals in NYC would be expensive, and that the parents have a whole year to find a babysitter. I finally recommended that maybe the 16 yr old could babysit some of the kids at home. She made a funny face and then said we’d talk about it another time. Not looking forward to that conversation. I don’t want to offend her but I’m not compromising on this one. It could get ugly.
Hope your situation turns out how you want it to.
ewwww – i HATE people who write in names. i hate it even more when FMILs think its their wedding too. jeez – i know they were married a long time ago, but dont they remember what it was like to be a bride? of course, maybe my thinking will change when i am the FMIL. hahahaha.
We are also dealing with this. Sorry, but I do not want lots of kids running around at our wedding. I have a few local family members who MAY try to bring their kids to the wedding and my mom is already on standby to quickly call them up and let them know it’s an “adult only” affair.
My only issue is we have a lot of people traveling from out of town – and they may not have anyone to babysit because everyone they would leave the children with overnight is planning on coming to the wedding… not sure what do do about that.
Make exceptions for them and risk offending others? Oh well… I’ll wait for the RSVP cards and deal with it then.
Miss Radish – in your case, I agree with Moni – a blanket policy across the board.
any way to hire a few babysitters to watch the kids at a different location?
You should inform parents beforehand that all children running wild will be coralled at ____ (babysitting spot) and given a free kitten and a cup of espresso when they go home.
You really have to make a rule — yes kids, or no kids. Since you already have 20+ children at the wedding, it will look very unfair to your guests if you call them and say “I’m sorry, your children weren’t invited”, and then they show up and see 20 other children running around. With children, it is really either an all-or-nothing deal (with the exception, perhaps, of a flower girl and ring bearer). We decided on no children, and that is a FIRM line — I have twin 6 year old cousins, but they are not invited, because then what about my fiance’s cousins? If you’re under 18, you’re not coming to our wedding. Harsh, perhaps, but we’re doing a very formal black tie wedding — not appropriate for children.
I like Kirsten’s suggestion!
People have commented that you have to have a firm line, and you do: nieces and nephews are allowed, and the children in the wedding party. Anyone else? Sorry.
YIKES – I guess that we are just lucky. We aren’t inviting every kid we’ve ever met, but we both agreed that out of town family could definitely bring their kids (We wouldn’t want to put any parents in the position of dumping their kids off to complete strangers) – that being said all in all there are only 10 kids in our large collective families… so it wasn’t really an issue for us.
I would say if space and chaos is a concern, call the distant relatives and let them know that you have reached the kid limit. As a matter of fact you may want to check with the mansion, some places limit the amount of kids they will allow in such a place (that might be an easy way out)
just be prepared for those out of town people (whos kids are not invited) to decide not come to your wedding. Not because they are ‘hurt’ per se, but more so because they wouldn’t want to leave their children with strangers… I imagine that most of their (and your) local family will be at the wedding, and not be available to babysit…
Local guests should be able to hire their usual sitter.
good luck, sounds like a sticky situation
Mrs. Radish, Chicago/Syracuse Age and Occupation: 27, Executive Assistant/Journalism Student/Musician Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Anthropologist/Musician Engagement Date: December 20, 2005 Wedding Date: August 18, 2007 Blogging Since: June 26, 2007 Venue: The Wellington House in Fayetteville, NY About Me: Mr. Radish and I are both from upstate New York, so we are planning a wedding in Syracuse from about 700 miles away. When I’m not obsessing about our wedding I play the cello in my band (which Mr. Radish is in too), read as much as I can, sleep even more, travel whenever possible, and try to find time to have fun with my friends. I’m also working on finishing up my journalism degree with a concentration in environmental reporting and I’m the VP of my campus Amnesty International chapter… so I’m a pretty busy bee.
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