Words of Wisdom
Feature Launched: July 9, 2007
About: A forum where users share their best advice on various wedding topics.
Words of Wisdom: Involving the Groom
July 24th, 2007 @ 3:30 pm by Words of Wisdom
What advice do you have for involving/including the groom-to-be in the wedding planning process? And what’s the best way to get a reluctant fiance to take an interest?
19 Responses to “Words of Wisdom: Involving the Groom”
My advice: Be patient and kind. And, remember that the bride cannot possibly do it all on her own.
be selective on what you include him in. My husband liked doing table numbers because they were places at Penn State. He enjoyed making the OOT baskets. Don’t bogg him down with every detail, he won’t care no matter what you do. But try to have parts of the wedding that mean something to him as well.
My fiance is *so* involved in every aspect of this wedding that it’s unbelievable. Right down to the flowers our flowergirl will toss!
It’s very helpful but at some (rare) times I would like to just decide things and get them done with, which is looking a gift horse in the mouth really and I feel bad whenever I think that! So my advice to the girls with reluctant fiances is try to find something he’ll dig- music, food, drinks (this is a party after all!) and get his opinion about something you think he’d like to be a part of.
Good luck!
This has been a source of much contention between my fiance and me. Either I told him and he wasn’t interested, or I didn’t tell him and he was mad he didn’t know. The solution we’ve come up with is that every so often I list current wedding ideas, decisions, etc. on a dry erase board in the kitchen, and then it’s his responsibility to ask me about them if he’s interested. He also has a few tasks that are strictly his own, like getting the boys’ measurements, wedding night accommodations, etc. So far it’s working for us.
Try to get his opinion on any decisions you have to make regarding the wedding. Besides, once you get married you’re going to make a lot of decisions together. The worst thing he can say is “do want you please, sweetie” Also, this is not only the bride’s wedding, without the groom the wedding is not complete.
I found it was easier to get his opinion if I gave him specific choices. If I said “where do you want to get married” he would say “I don’t know” if I showed him my top 6 options he would tell me the two he liked the best. So that was generally my way to get him involved in the big decisions, I narrowed it down and then had him weigh in. DH is very indecisive though so he got easily overwhelmed with open-ended options. And of course he got to pick out his tux. =)
Just always remember: it is not solely your wedding day, so even if his ideas don’t mesh with your vision, it’s OK. The day should be about both of you!
Be patient, guys aren’t able to multitask as well as girls, nor do they understand the point of details.
Give them tasks they’d deem more useful like finding a hotel for the wedding night or rehearsal dinner sites. Set deadlines and give them just a couple of tasks at a time, don’t overwhelm them.
And remember to reward them when they do a job well done. They’re surprisingly patient w/ us too and will always come through in the clutch =)
Ask him what is important to him for the big day. If he’s a audiophile, let him obsess about the music. Also giving him choices is always a great way to get his input. Sometimes we know of choices they never knew existed. This way you can guide him and he’ll be able to mold the wedding into both of your dream celebrations.
We came up with “wedding time”, which we decided would be from 7-9pm on Tuesday nights, and one weekend day of our mutual agreement. This time is used to talk about wedding details, run wedding related errands, make wedding related phone calls, etc. We developed this system because I was literally obsessed with wedding details, trying to talk and plan all the time, but doing this because my thinking was “if not now, when?” bc he kept saying “later, not now”, and my response was “you always say later, when is later?”. So setting aside time worked for both of us, because he didn’t feel like he was always getting yapped at about the wedding, and I knew that we had set aside specific times to work on wedding stuff, so didn’t feel the need to talk about it all the time in such a panicked-nothing-is-getting-done state. Overall it REALLY helped the way we communicated and has made the process much more enjoyable.
I read some where if you want your him to help, complement him. It works great! My guy is great with publisher. I told him that since he’s so good in that program and I don’t know what I’m doing (not entirely true) I really needed his help with the OOT newsletter. He smiled and helped me right away!! He did a great job. Now he asks me what else he can help me with. 
I think it depends on the groom… my husband was very involved, but that’s just because he’s nitpicky like me. There were things that was “his job”- like music, alcohol, and groomsmen stuff. Even though I did most of the legwork, he was always around to help. One thing I learned from it all was knowing how to take criticism from my husband. I made a bunch of homemade pompoms (a la MS) and he hated them. Then I cried. A few hours later, I realized they were hideous and not right for what I was looking for.
He also read the Engaged Groom! and he loved the book.
i am having the HARDEST time. my fiance is not a wedding person. he is also very non-traditional. if he had his way, we’d elope or have a very intimate, family only, non-traditional wedding. I, on the other hand, am very traditional, really want a full-on wedding (not huge, mind you, but I want all my close friends and family to be able to attend.). my fiance believes that the significance and all that’s sacred about weddings has been lost because it has turned into an “industry” and weddings are now not at all meaningful.
So, my impression was that if he didn’t care about weddings, then he wouldn’t care about the decisions i made about it. was i wrong. he now believes he is an “accessory” to MY wedding, not OUR wedding. And please believe me, I’m not disregarding his feelings nor am I having an extravagant, expensive, bridal-magazine worthy wedding! So now, whenever I ask for his opinion about things, he likens it to when he asks me for my opinion about what kind of motorcycle parts he should buy. In other words, he doesn’t care and thinks I don’t care about him or his opinions either. Totally indifferent.
We are now less than two months to the wedding date and he has yet to put together his guest list or pick his groomsmen. He did, however, take care of photography. Other than that… I don’t know what to do. He wants untraditional, intimate, small and meaningful…. I want tradtional, friends and family, meaningful. I don’t know what to do or how to reach a compromise!
HELP!?
As with all things in marriage: For things he doesn’t care much about, get full authorization to make all decisions. For things he cares about a little, narrow down the choices to 2 or 3 and have him vote. For things you care about, narrow down the choices to 2 or 3 you love and let him choose. For things he wants to own, watch him like a hawk! Good luck!
Luckily, my FI is an integral part of the wedding planning process. We’ve met all of our vendors together and brainstormed for ideas together. Even so, as many people have mentioned before me, he’s doesn’t like to get involved in the details (shades of color, etc.). So I find myself often doing what Michelelouise suggests above: narrow down the choices to 2 or 3 and then ask for his opinion.
I put Mr. Sadie in charge of one thing–the cake. Risky, I know, but frankly, at this point, I don’t care if he “fails” and he ends up having to bake one from a mix the night before the wedding…just so I don’t have yet one more thing to do! He’s in med school and all the wedding planning (or, at least the hard part of the planning) has fallen to me while he swoops in for the glory of the “final decision” on most things. Frustrating, to say the least, but that’s just how it is for us right now!
Greg did more than his share of wedding tasks, but the bigger contribution was making dinner every night while I worked on my own projects. I guess I’m trying to say that guys can help with the wedding indirectly, too.
We talked about different tasks that he would like to do and divided it up that way. At the moment, the distribution is a little out of whack - he’s making the maps, picking out tuxes and dealing with vendor negotiations as they come up (I’m _not_ the debater in our house, hehe.)
However, I have to agree with Sarah. My FI cooks dinner, calms me down when I get too worked up, and does lots of things that aren’t “wedding projects” but nonetheless move the process along.
Getting FI involved has been somewhat hard for me - when I tried to ask him what he wanted for our wedding, he said, “Well, I wanted it outside, we’re having it outside, we agreed on the place - what else do you want??” I’ve learned not to ask open-ended questions and to bring him the various checklists and timelines that exist out there, so that he can know where we need to be in the planning. He’s always been good about not saying, “I really don’t care - do what you want,” it’s just that he’s kind of aloof, so I celebrate (and try to incorporate) anything that comes out of his mouth when he says, “What about this?” And as I’ve read in the various wedding literature, it really helps to make a list of the top 3-5 priorities, so that you don’t get bogged down by the other details. When I asked what the most important thing he wanted was, he said, “CAKE!” Yes, dear, there will be yummy cake; carrot, if you so choose.
