Open Question: Man Of Honor
July 25th, 2007 @ 6:05 pm by Open Question
No one but my best friend, Paul, has ever come into mind when thinking of the Maid of Honor. We’ve been friends since the tender age of three and we’ve been inseparable since. The problem? Well, obviously, he’s more like a MAN of Honor, rather than a Maid. My parents have no issues with this because Paul’s like a son they never had. My In-Laws, however, seem to be very suspicious of us two despite how many times my hubby-to-be has assured them. They’ve even suggested that I take Paul out of the entire wedding party. I was extremely annoyed, but being Korean, I knew better than to retort back at elders. I don’t want to upset the In-Laws, but Paul is one of the most significant people in my life, someone who knows me just as well as family. What should I do?
- Emily
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29 Responses to “Open Question: Man Of Honor”
I agree with Amy!
I’d say your only responsibility is to your fiance’s feelings; if he’s cool with it, go for it! Seems like one of those things where if you didn’t include him, you’d end up resenting your FILs down the road, which would be no bueno.
Have you told your FILs what you just told us? “that Paul is one of the most significant people in my life, someone who knows me just as well as family.” Maybe if you assure them that he is a brother and not a lover they can learn to accept it. If not? I second Miss Lovebug, you don’t want to resent them. Follow your gut.
i understand dealing with traditional korean relatives/culture, and it’s just not that simple. you don’t want to start your relationship with your in-laws off on a bad foot, even though they’re the ones who aren’t being understanding. if they’re wary of your relationship with paul, or just don’t like the untraditional idea of him being your man of honor, i don’t know how successful you could be in convincing them otherwise.
is there any way paul could be a groomsman instead? that way he’d still be in the wedding, but perhaps it’d appease your in-laws? i know it sucks, but i think the in-laws resenting you could potentially be worse in the long run than you resenting them. 
I agree with previous posts, it is YOURS and FI’s wedding. Do what you want. But, I would also talk to your FI and make sure that he is cool with it, and possibly have him talk to his parents.
Are they more upset that it is Paul or that you are having a MAN of HONOR instead of Maid/Matron?? I know that I have gotten quite a few raised eyebrows b/c my little bro is my man of honor.
hth!
My friend had all men as on her side of the wedding party (except one!). Some were brothers, some were friends. It seemed odd when I heard about it at first, but it’s so THEM.
If he really is like a brother to you, it shouldn’t be bad for them. If your parents and FI think it’s fine, they might just not know. Be sensitive, but do what you want!
I’d have to agree with Mrs. Bee on this one… simply because I understand that Asian culture is all about respect. Even though you are not disrespecting your FI’s parents in any way, they may preceive it as disrespect because they do not understand. Yes, they would be wrong, but sadly, perception is reality. And the reality is, you’re not just marrying FI, you’re marrying his family!
Perhaps if there is a pre-wedding family party, you could invite Paul so that the groom’s parents can meet him. If he has a GF/wife, he could bring her also and your FI’s parents will see that Paul is harmless.
Either way, I hope it works out!!!
Maybe you could acknowledge his family by thanking them for their input and telling them that the two of you will take it into consideration, which you have. Then follow your heart and do what you want for your wedding. The MOH, whether male or female, is an important decision and isn’t up to anyone but the bride in any culture that I am aware of. If Paul really is one of the most significant people in your life, you will be sorry if you did not include him - especially if your FI has no issues with it.
This is a perfect way to start thinking of you and your FI as a family unit, making your own decisions that are right for the two of you (your wedding) and letting other people’s hang-ups remain just that. They are old school and you are not. There is no disrespect in following your heart.
Being Asian, I too, understand that it is easier said than done to put your foot down b/c it’s your wedding. I like Mrs. Bee’s and Miss Eggplant’s suggestions. Also, because your parents seem to be completely okay with it, is there any way you could have your parents talk to your in-laws about it? That way, they are at the same respect level since they are of the same generation, it won’t be so much you talking back to your elders, rather, a discussion and explanation between the elders. Good luck!
Keep your wedding party as is. Your in-laws cannot dictate the way you live your life or who the special people in it happen to be.
Normally I’d say it’s your day and if FI is okay, who cares? But it’s not worth casting doubts in your in-laws eyes before the actual wedding and Paul sounds like a close enough friend that he’d understand. Can he do something else in the wedding? Perhaps a reading during the ceremony? Or ask him to give a speech during the reception? I think that’d be really touching and would work out really well, since he’s known you for so long.
i agree with the suggestions from mrs. bee, ms. eggplant and L. esp since your parents are okay with it, maybe they can talk to your FILs about it and they’d understand better that he’s more like a bro than a boyfriend. and if they’re totally weirded out by the man of honor thing, then maybe it would be a good compromise to include him as a groomsman instead. good luck!
i’m a non-korean (but asian) marrying a korean and to be honest, i’m sick of the “traditional korean mentality” blah blah blah being an excuse for all things wedding planning. The way i look at it is if you and you FI are paying for the wedding, then you should do what YOU want to do. If they in-laws are chipping in, then tell them as a courtesy but they still shouldn’t mandate.
One of my closest friends from high school wanted to have me as his “best woman,” but finally cowed to pressure from the bride’s family. About once a year he mentions how much he regrets giving in on that.
I understand sacrifice and compromise when it comes to the wedding–the blue BM dresses instead of the green I love, the steak entree instead of the fish I’d prefer–but not having my *best friend* stand next to me when I make the most important commitment of my life. Uh-uh. There’s no compromising there.
If you don’t include your true BFF just because of this, it shows your in-laws they were RIGHT to be suspicious! See, it’s a total no-win. To my Asian MIL & FIL, “respect” is code for “obey” so… you either obey, or — be brave! — go ahead and set the tone right now for how your marriage/home is going to be. And that if your husband trusts you and your judgment, that’s what matters and you are more interested in HIS opinion (which is not dictated by his parents, it is hoped).
The other trick (coping mechanism of my DH and his entire generation) is not to inform them of anything, lest they infer that their “opinion” (that is, ironclad decision) is invited. Just stop telling them stuff. Let them be surprised like everyone else (Hey, we’ve moved! Hey, we just had a baby!) and they’ll get the message. Or not, but at least you don’t get the reward of suffering in the interim.
I agree with Bee… though it is your wedding and ultimately your own choice, it might be a better idea to compromise. If you weigh out the pros and cons of having him as a groomsman instead of the Man of Honor, the con of potentially giving your future in-laws a grudge to hold against you could be worth the sacrifice of not having him right next to you, but still in the wedding party.
Mr. P is also Korean and there were quite a few conflicts with certain family members insisting on things, supposedly due to the culture. (Amy, if you’re reading this, I feel ya… I feel ya!) I was really upset sometimes during the planning process, but I had to learn to pick my battles. I was pretty frightened that the wedding would be ruined because of an outburst or something or other, but it turned out fine in the end, with some very understanding friends appeasing those that needed to be appeased on that day before I even heard of the matters. 
In my case, I don’t think I can do anything to fully please those certain family member(s), as the root stems from the fact that I am not Korean. But, I did and will continue to do everything within reason to try to please them and respect their wishes! In your case, if that means a compromise that you don’t mind making TOO much, then, by all means, do it.
You should keep Paul as the Man of Honor. My fiance’s #1 attendant is a woman (we still don’t know what to call her). In my opinion she is a pain-in-the-a$$, his mother doesn’t care for her, and I can’t stand her half of the time. However she is very special to my fiance so I welcome her to stand up with the attendants when we exchange vows.
I hope your family can cope and that you can navigate dealing with them in a respectful, optimistic way. Good luck.
I think if Paul is your best friend, he will understand if you have to leave him out of the wedding, even if he’s hurt by it. Since your in-laws are so against it, maybe (like others above suggested) give him the groomsmen title.
If you and your in-laws don’t come to a compromise, you may “offend” them and this will make things difficult down the line. Since they are traditional, I can see how this could cause a rift btwn you guys and you don’t want to start off on the wrong foot. Perhaps if the in-laws got to know Paul better they’d change their minds…..
P.S. I have traditional in-laws as well who are insisting certain things. I’ve learned to pick my battles even tho I’m unhappy about having to do certain things. =( Hope it works out better for you!
Emily-
“…Paul is one of the most significant people in my life…”
I think you answered your own question.
~MJ
I’m having my own “Man of Honor”!!
My best friend and oldest friend is a guy.
We are actually having “Men of Honor” instead of bridesmaids and groomsmen. That’s even how we are listing it on the program.
I support you in doing what’s right for you not what’s right for others.
Yet another gal here who is having a Man of Honour stand up with her.
I completely understand you wanting to be on good terms with your in-laws, but you should also be comfortable with the decisions you make about your wedding and if having your male friend stand up with you on your day, then that is what you should do.
Your wedding day should be a reflextion of you and your fiance. Don’t let the views of others keep you from following your heart.
I had a “Dude” of Honor too. He was by miles my best brides maid. He was actually the biggest help on the wedding day. Just make sure you’re not standing next to him when you take your pictures with your bridesmaids or he’ll look like the groom and your Dad will get confused/upset. Trust me. : )
totally agree w/ amy (comment #14). tell your future-in-laws, paul is like a brother to you and you want him in the wedding as the #2 guy (after your FI). they’ll get over it. if not, oh well. they’ll find plenty of others things to complain/nag you about anyway!
“My In-Laws, however, seem to be very suspicious of us two…”
looks like you have way bigger issues to deal with: your in-laws don’t trust you. yikes. good luck!
Hi. My brother and I are really close, and when he got married, he was considering making me a groomswoman. Eventually, he thought it’d be too awkward for me to be the only groomswoman and walk down the aisle escorting another women. Instead, I sang at his wedding. Maybe Paul could still be a part of your wedding, but not your man of honor. Perhaps he could walk you down the first part of aisle, and your father walk you down the rest of the aisle? My cousin officiated his brother’s wedding. Maybe Paul could read a poem? The wedding party just stands up there with you. Maybe this is an opportunity for Paul to have a more active role in the ceremony. =)
i’ve shot weddings with man of honors and well as best woman… it’s your wedding and the last thing you want to do is regret not asking him to be your man of honor…
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