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About four years ago, I got a call from my father telling me that he had decided to become a woman. Naturally, it was a little shocking at first, but I accepted it and gave him my blessing. It makes it a little easier for me that my parents divorced before I was even 2 years old, so he didn’t really raise me anway. Maybe it would be harder to get used to if I was used to him being my “father figure.” But regardless, if it makes him happy and doesn’t hurt anyone, then it’s A-OK in my book.
Anyway, my dilemma is this: Mr. Radish’s family does not know this about my father. This is mostly because his family is kind of reserved and we just don’t talk about things like that with them. Also, how do you really bring that up in conversation? “Great weather lately, eh? Oh and by the way my father has boobs.” It doesn’t help any that Mr. Radish’s parents are in their 70s and they are devout Catholics. I don’t know this for sure, but since the church is officially against homosexuality I can only imagine what their position on transgendered people is. Most likely, they don’t support it.
My father is definitely coming to our wedding. He told me that he has no problem with me introducing him to everyone as my “Aunt —” and he doesn’t care if Mr. Radish’s family know the truth about him or not. Well, in my opinion, there are a couple of problems with that approach.
First of all, I don’t feel comfortable lying to my future in-laws. That’s no way to join a family and start a marriage. But most importantly I don’t want Mr. Radish’s family to think that I kept this from them because I’m ashamed of my father because he is transgendered…. because I’m not!! I have a very strained relationship with my father, but that is for a multitude of other reasons that have nothing to do with him becoming a woman. My issues with him have mostly to do with his penchant for not paying child support while I was growing up, his extreme self-absorption, and his lack of concern for his kids. If people (such as my mom) want to dislike him for those reasons I wouldn’t argue with them, but I don’t think it is anyone’s business to judge him for his choice to become a woman.
The other main reason why I think we need to tell Mr. Radish’s family is that my father doesn’t make a very pretty or convincing woman. Sorry, but it’s true. He is “pre-op” so he still has an Adam’s apple and man hands, among other things. He has been on hormone therapy for a couple of years but his voice is still quite deep and his facial features are still very masculine looking. I think at least half of the people who see him know right away that he is really a man, and the other half figure it out pretty quickly if they spend a little time with him.
I’ve mentioned these concerns about a million times to Mr. Radish over the last year. I feel that he is the one that should talk to his parents about it. He said he would tell them eventually, but here we are about one month from the wedding and he still hasn’t told them! If he doesn’t tell them ahead of time, how are they going to react when they meet him for the first time at the Rehearsal Dinner? I don’t want to have to worry about anyone making a scene or anything like that and I don’t want to have to deal with whispers and strange glances. Plus, my two younger half-sisters (from my father’s now defunct second marriage) will be there and they are a lot more sensitive about this whole thing than I am. Imagine how they would feel if anyone was really weird about it.
I guess I can’t blame Mr. Radish too much for putting this off so long. I’m sure he just can’t think of a good way to bring it up. One of the other reasons that I want his family to know about it ahead of time is for their own good. I suspect that they will be very nice and gracious about everything, and they will keep their opinions/religious beliefs to themselves. But it might be a good idea to give them a little time to prepare themselves for it. Like I said, they are older and they are from a pretty small town, so I can’t imagine they’ve ever seen a transgendered person in real life. It’s only fair to warn them, right? My biggest fear is that they just won’t be able to conceal their shock. I know they would never say anything rude or insensitive about it, but the look on their faces might give it all away. With fair warning, they could probably control their reaction.
Any chance that anyone else out there is dealing with a similar situation? Or am I on my own here? What would you do if you were me? Do you think Mr. Radish should tell his parents about this ahead of time? What about his brothers and sisters? Should we tell them too? If Mr. Radish doesn’t end up telling his parents, should I do it myself or just let it go?
Mr. Radish and you should both tell his parents as soon as possible. Just let them know, and don’t worry about it any further. Their judgments are not your problem. I am sure they will be shocked, but with the stress of weddings, just get it off your chest already.
If Mr. Radish is not prepared to discuss it with his femily, you may have to. I think the key is to act like it isn’t a big deal. Call them up, chat for a few minutes, and then say something like “Oh, by the way, my father is in the process of transitioning to a woman, so please use feminine pronouns when speaking to her, and address her as Ladyname.” Then change the subject. If anyone protests, say “Yes, it is unusual, but I just want everything to go smoothly.”
Also, I must admit I am a bit confused; your father is transgendered, right? Not a transvestite?
I agree with the above poster. Just bring it up casually, if possible, as if it’s no big deal. Because it sounds like, to you, it’s not really. I would think your FI would be the one to break the news but what about doing it together?
I really think it’s best do this in advance; the shock if your dad showing up as a woman would probably overshadow the joy of your wedding.
I think you should both tell them together…you and your husband are a united front now, plus I think it would be really akward if he told them alone and then you came into the room an hour later…talk about looks. I wouldn’t act like it wasn’t a big deal…b/c it might be for them…I’d just say that you wanted them to be aware of this and that you are o.k. with it, you want your father to be apart of the day, and if they have any questions you’d be happy to answer any of them. This will no doubt all be very new for them.
i thought the same as manda! though seriously, i agree with go amie. that sounds like some really good solid advice. good luck!
I do no have the same situation as you, but it still was/ is a situation. My parents are separated, for reasons I know and do not want to know about- possible affairs, cheating etc. Anyway, my Dad is gay and has a live-in partner. We also have a strained relationship for other reasons.
After the first year of dating my FI, I was really nervous about telling his family(they had met my mom, but not my dad)- they are the traditional, sheltered in a way, straight from Sicily, live in the suburbs, Republican type. Anyway, my point is that my FI told them way before (he probably didn’t do it as a sit down deep talk way, but more like an off the wall comment, “oh by the way, her dad is gay”). So by the time my dad met his family, they all knew.
Now, it doesn’t mean they accept it (the way they talk about other things lead to believe that they wouldn’t in non-family members), but at least they didn’t give him a dirty look when I introduced him and his partner for the first time.
Since your situation is many times more gut-wrenching nerve-wise (I’m assuming), I would let him tell them, with or without you there first; but I would definitely have a talk with them if they have any questions (like what they should address him as- your dad, his female name, etc) just so everyone is over the initial “shock” and that they are as comfortable with it as you and your family at the wedding, or even the rehearsal dinner.
PS If you do tell the parents, I wouldn’t worry about the brothers and sisters, Mr. Radish can tell them or his parents will.
Best wishes to you!
I think it might be important that Mr. Radish’s parents hear this news from you, albeit with Mr. Radish standing by your side in support and to help you answer any questions they may have. If you make Mr. Radish do the telling without you around, it could make for some awkwardness the next time you see his parents (”Do I bring it up?” “Do we act like anything is different?” “When I introduce them to my father, what do I tell them to call him?”). If you are there to approach any questions when they hear the news, I think you will feel better knowing that it’s all out there.
I also think that you might have to give yourselves a deadline so this isn’t hanging over your head for much longer. If you tell each other that you’re going to do this in the next 4 days, you’ll both be there to remind each other that you can’t wait any longer. That will be one less thing to worry about as your big day approaches!
Thanks for sharing your story with us! It’s great that you are so accepting of your father’s lifestyle choice.
Go Amie —
Yes my father refers to himself as being transgendered. I must have mistyped when I said transvestive. Sorry for the confusion!
Manda — everyone keeps telling me about that episode of Friends… but I’ve never seen it. I’ll have to Netflix it.
I agree with the others that you should do this together. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to be an easy conversation, but if you do it together, Mr. Radish’s parents will hopefully appreciate the fact that you are committed to not lying about your dad.
Maybe you can bring it up in the context of wedding planning/seating etc. i.e. “So, my parents are going to be at these tables, by the way, just so you know, my dad is transgendered. It’s not a big deal, but we wanted you to know in advance to as to not make anyone feel akward the day of the wedding.”
Good luck!
I’m not in quite the same situation, but my mother’s sister (very dear to me) has a girlfirend of over ten years. I want to invite her (the GF) to my weddign but surprisingly, my other aunt (her sister) is the homophobic one. Very sad.
As for FH’s family, they’re all very, very devout Catholic, and I think we’re just never going to mention it. I feel it’s kinda chicken of me, but I have to remember that if I brought it up it’s her and not I that would bear the brunt of their disdain. I don’t get to make that choice for her.
As for your situation, Bagdadbride has a point. You and FH are a united front now, and he needs to help you with this.
I think the key phrase in a lot of the responses is “as soon as possible.” First, it’ll get that big big hurdle out of the way so you can concentrate on other things. Second, it’ll give the FILs the maximum amount of time to warm up to the idea. Much better than getting to the venue and trying to slip in “Oh yeah, that really broad-shouldered woman is my father. Canape?”
Wow you have a lot of responses already! I would for sure tell them before hand! If Mr. Radish doesn’t, for sure you need to. I think it could even bring you closer to them. Explain it exactly like you did to us! That you are not ashamed but you understand their possible views on the issue and wanted to bring this to their attention so they can enjoy the day and not be shell shocked all day!
I have a similiar Dad situtation minus the becoming a women part. He is worried that my mom’s family will not talk to him and still hold the grudges from so many years ago!
It’s so hard to get all these family members in one room, let alone two families coming together. Throwing issues like this in there can be very difficult. But I really think being upfront from the beginning will help the situation as well as your nerves!! You want to enjoy the whole experience and not worry about what people first reactions will be!
it’s gotta be like pulling off a band-aid - quick and with as less pain as possible. I agree with the previous comments about the both of you presenting this to your FILs as a single front. i’m sure it will cause a stir, but it is what it is and things will work out in the end.
I think the sooner you tell them, the better. When you merge two families together, there will always be different views. You either accept it or not. Like my friend once said, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. You just have to love them regardless of what their views may be. Good luck!
Well, IMHO, I would ask FI why he hasn’t done it yet?? My FI is always afraid of asking/telling his parents stuff too, so I have to plead with him…
But if he absolutely cannot do it, then I think a great way would be to talk to his mom (with the boys in the room) about your programs and how she thinks FI’s side of the family should be titled…then say, “yeah, I still don’t know about my side, my mom and dad split when I was younger and since then my dad has decided to become a woman. It was tough at first, but now I am used to it.” And, no doubt they will all have shock+awe, but like you said, better now, then at the RD!! You could also tell them that your half sisters are still having some difficulty with it so you understand if they are a little uneasy with it, but you are willing to answer ANY questions they have.
good luck miss radish!!!
What an interesting situation.
I agree that you need to tell them as soon as possible - the more time they have to adjust to the idea, the better. I would just ask your FH to go over to their house some night, and you can tell them together.
Good luck!
a man da… friends… they cover every life situation. just have a friends-movie night with the inlaws and play that episode. and then, just go, “speaking of which, you know my dad…”
i know it’s a much tougher situation than i’m making light of. but i wish you well and lots of luck!
I think the Chandler Bing model is a good one. State the facts, express love and no judgment, and let it go. The more you focus on it, the worse it is, because it casts doubt on the perception that you are absolutely OK with this. When you tell them about your dad, maybe add in lots of other interesting facts about him (career, hobbies, what a great dad he’s been to you), so that’s not the only thing they learn about him. Think big picture, whole person.
And P.S. give the Catholics a little credit, eh? : )
Wow. That is a lot to deal with, on top of all the other crazy wedding stress.
Just chiming in here with the rest of the peanut gallery - you should probably talk to the family beforehand, if only to brace them for what they will see when they meet your father. It would be kind bad if they didn’t know and then things were awkward between the lot of them.
That said, I think you should do it with your husband and try to do it in a “this is not a big deal” way.
We have a number of gay and transsexual friends and a number of traditional family members so we’ve discussed it with them (my Man of Honour is gay). I don’t expect to be able to change everyone’s feelings, but I do expect them to be civil.
Anyway, good luck! I hope your wedding is a great day for you. 
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Mrs. Radish, Chicago/Syracuse Age and Occupation: 27, Executive Assistant/Journalism Student/Musician Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Anthropologist/Musician Engagement Date: December 20, 2005 Wedding Date: August 18, 2007 Blogging Since: June 26, 2007 Venue: The Wellington House in Fayetteville, NY About Me: Mr. Radish and I are both from upstate New York, so we are planning a wedding in Syracuse from about 700 miles away. When I’m not obsessing about our wedding I play the cello in my band (which Mr. Radish is in too), read as much as I can, sleep even more, travel whenever possible, and try to find time to have fun with my friends. I’m also working on finishing up my journalism degree with a concentration in environmental reporting and I’m the VP of my campus Amnesty International chapter… so I’m a pretty busy bee.
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