Words of Wisdom
Feature Launched: July 9, 2007
About: A forum where users share their best advice on various wedding topics.
Choosing Bridesmaids
July 27th, 2007 @ 6:40 pm by Words of Wisdom
What words of wisdom do you have for brides about choosing their bridesmaids and maids of honor? What did you learn in the process, and is there anything you would have done differently?
25 Responses to “Choosing Bridesmaids”
Choose people you can count on — if your best friend is great . . . but . . . well . . . she tends to be disorganized, undependable, controlling, or passive-aggressive, you’ll be happier asking her to be your “personal attendant” than as a bridesmaid.
Don’t worry about matching numbers or genders on each side — it’s about how important the people are to you, not about whether they’re male or female, and that each of you have the same number of people standing up for you.
Choose people you’re genuinely close to - we asked ourselves about each person, “will our eventual children know this person by name 10, 12, 15 years from now?” If the answer was likely, no, they didn’t make the cut, no matter how close we are to the individual right now.
In many aspects of wedding planning, it’s important to make your family feel included in the decision-making. But I strongly feel that choosing your attendants should be a decision made by you and your fiance alone. I have found it really hard to tell my mum as politely as possible that I will not be taking her suggestions on this issue, but something I had to do. Usually when other people have an opinion about who should be in your wedding party, they have an agenda that is not purely about who has the strongest friendship with you, who supports your relationship the most, or who will help you out the most during the wedding planning. They might have concerns like how photogenic your attendants are, how they will look in their dresses, whether the choice of bridesmaid will offend some cousin, etc. Try to cut through that clutter and make a decision based on who knows you, loves you, and supports you and your relationship with your fiance.
choose people who you currently have a great relationship with, not a potentially good relationship with, nor an old relationship that isn’t really very strong anymore. i made the mistake of making a cousin a bridesmaid, hoping we could get closer through the process. she ended up accusing me of stealing all of her wedding ideas.. when i had my wedding planned more than 2 years ago and she’s barely thinking of hers! she ended up withdrawing from being a bridesmaid and it seriously had me going through anxiety attacks for a month. it was such drama. i realized that i should’ve stuck with my first thought and asked my good college friend.
Hahahaha, oh, what can I say? If you’re not close to anyone, just don’t have anyone! You don’t really NEED a BM or MOH, right?
And make things clear in the beginning, possibly have them in writing about what colors, themes and ideas you have. 
It comes down to picking people who are important to you both individually and as a couple. My bridesmaids are my sister (MOH) and 4 of my best girlfriends who have been my girls since we were young. My fiance thought to ask one of his friends who he was very close to growing up, but as adults they have drifted apart. I understood why he wanted to choose him, but eventually my fiance decided that if this person hadn’t been in our lives as a couple, then he probably shouldn’t be in the wedding party. Everyone in our party knows us each individually, and as a couple.
I think the important thing is being close to whoever you choose, and to pick people who you can depend on, because ultimately, these are the folks you have to lean on during the planning process!
Real best friends are awesome and should be included (even if they are not the best wedding laborers; it’s about honoring those you love), but always remember blood matters, too. Include your sisters and HIS sisters. Even if it’s icky. (But you don’t have to go one further and include siblings’ spouses if you’re not already close.)
I wish I had waited to choose my bridesmaids! It’s easy to get excited and want to invite all your closest friends. Also, pick your most dependable friends who are actually excited for you to get married. It’s not their life; they have other things going on, of course, but it is really nice to have friends stand next to you when they want to be there.
Definately wait to pick them. My worst time of planning is the bridal party. I had a total of 7.. lost 2 right before we bought the dress.. lost another one because after she purchased the dress she didn’t like how it was going to make her look. Unfortunately for me I’m the first one to get married out of my immediate family and friends so all of this I hope they take as a learning experience. We are younger so I’m starting to wonder if that has something to do with it. Anywho definately wait until at least a year before the wedding. My FI and I asked our friends 2 years in advance when we first got engaged needless to say I’m not really friends with the 2 I lost right before buying the dress.
1) Hold your tongue. Engagement is exciting and you want to ask your friend-you-told-when-you-were-7-she’s-a-BM, but put on the brakes until you think it over. You can’t take it back without permanently damaging the relationship.
2) Pick girlfriends who are supportive of you and your relationship. Not the kind who criticize your choices with passive-aggressive or snide comments. Weddings are difficult enough, no need to battle with your “supporters.”
3) Know your ladies strengths and limitations and delegate things to each that they will feel good about doing for you. My 16 yo sister can’t drive, so most of her help was the weekend of, but my other girls did what they could in the free time they could give me.
4) Know that being a BM is very expensive, when all is said and done. Make sure your ladies want to pay for their expenses that you’re not willing/able to cover.
(Also, you don’t need to choose a MOH if you don’t want to single anyone out. My girls were fine with being equals.)
chose people you are close to, know your personality and can work well w/ you.DO not pick someone if you think they will not participate much, because guess what they WON”T. If I could do it all over again, I would not be PC an chose my cousin(felt like I had to chose familY) she has not been very interested at all, very much a let down.DOn’t make that same mistake..think it through
I just chose the women I couldn’t imagine standing up without. And it has worked out perfectly. And there are 10 of them.
my uncle, a professional photographer, told me after I had picked everyone that the maid/matron of honor should be someone calm and dependable, that would be able to hold me steady and help to organize– someone who was going to really come through when things got tough.
It’s a good thing that I have both a maid and a matron of honor, because my sister, though I love her dearly, hates organizing and planning. she is stressed beyond reason, and tells me that she would like to disappear with an exasperated look on her face.
My matron of honor, however, is a rock. She is steady and smart and when I need her to be an uber bitch she is. When I need to cry, she lets me. And when I want to reign in my sister, my matron of honor basically pats my arm and does it gently for me.
as for the rest of my bridesmaids and bridesMEN, they are a mix of people I absolutely adore and then one person who was obligatory. Oh well, because I don’t have to deal with her that much.
It’s not about what they can do for you, it’s about the strength of the friendship. don’t pass over your dear friends just because they live on the other side of the continent or an ocean in favour of someone you aren’t as tight with just because you think it’s convenient for them because what makes you think they care enough if you’re not close?
also, do suck it up at ask your siblings and intended’s siblings even if you don’t totally get along unless you know they honestly don’t care.
Honestly? One of my friends didn’t have any. No bridal party what-so-ever. After some of the things I’ve had to go through and the stress the bridesmaids have given me, I would vote for no bridesmaids…My friend had the easiest time, and it was great! I love my girls but I think it’s really caused me more stress. So many people on the knot have stress related to the bridal party…If you must have one, I’d go with a smal number of girls adn guys and only people you’re really close with. Don’t expect anything from them and try to just roll with the punches.
One of the hardest things for me is asking them to spend money on the dress and alterations. I know they agreed to it when they agreed to be a bm, but I still feel guilty.
~ Wait to pick your bridal party. There is NO rule that says they have to be picked early on in planning. A lot of brides pick their bridal party 10-16 months out and then come on the message boards asking if they can fire one. Things can change a lot over a year.
~ Don’t have unrealistic expectations. The members of your bridal party have their own lives too. Yes, they are excited for you about your wedding, but the wedding isn’t their top priority. Be sure to schedule events (such as helping with invitations, dress shopping, etc.) in advance so they can be well prepared and adjust their schedules.
~ Lastly, and most important, in my opinion…make sure you and your FI are the ones making the decision. I didn’t pick my bridal party too early on, but I was pressured into picking bridesmaids that I really didn’t want. My bridal party quickly became much more than I wanted. The whole situation was a mess and I realize now that I should have sat down with my FI, talked things out and told him what exactly I wanted. That way, when I was getting pressured, he could remind me that that was NOT what I wanted. So, take the time to think about what you want before discussing the bridal party with anyone.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
If you are expecting your MOH/Bridesmaid(s) to help you with a lot of items on your to-do list, make sure you choose people who would be ok with that 
Do not ask someone just to avoid hurt feelings. I learned the hard way 
Don’t feel like you have to have a bridal party. I opted not to have one and so far, I’m pretty relieved. I don’t need another thing to stress about. I plan to have some of my closest friends hang out in the bridal suite when I’m getting dressed and we’ll get fun, professional photos together. So definitely keep in mind that a bridal party can be awesome, but it’s also not a must by any means.
Make sure the people you want to choose actually _want_ the job. Let me explain - I was really torn about my younger sister. I felt she should be my MoH, but I didn’t think she’d be up for the job.
I finally got up the nerve to ask her what she thought, and she said “Do you honestly think I want all that responsibility? I can’t even _begin_ to imagine how often you’re going to bother your MoH’s. They should print off every email you end up sending over the course of planning the wedding and give them to you as a present. I bet it would take a forklift to carry all that paper.” (Sarcastic, fearless, and totally amazing, I couldn’t possibly love her more!)
My sister was not only more than happy to “just” be a bridesmaid, she was gunning for the job. Your girls may surprise you too. Just talk to them.
This question made me laugh. Wryly. And Dryly. I agree 1000% with Jayma.
WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.
And think about the qualities you want in a bridesmaid before you choose anyone. Then think about the qualities in the people you are considering asking.
I would recommend not choosing someone who has weird feelings about weddings, marriages, or commitments (spoken from true experience, I chose a BM who thinks weddings are “stupid” but mostly only because she wasn’t able to afford a huge and lavish one that she always wanted and instead got married in Vegas, so is of course totally jealous that I’m having a fantastic wedding….yeah, she’s been the WORST bridesmaid EVER! If I had thought that one through, I would have known not to ask her). When you ask someone, briefly outline the things you will expect from them, and give them a chance to graciously say thanks but no thanks. Some people are fabulous friends but make terrible bridesmaids. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that it’s not all about who you cherish most in your life.
Draw the line at a number that works for the both of you. I have 5 close girl friends, but he only had 2 close guys. We put a lot of thought into how to do this, and decided that symmetry was important, and allowed us the draw the line at 2 each. This allowed me to find outher important roles for the remaining three girls, such as personal attendant, reader and temporary DOC
Definitley wait if the length of your engagement will allow for it. And don’t feel you have to include people out of obligation - just because you were in someone’s wedding doesn’t mean she has to be in yours.
I echo all the people above who said “wait.” I’ll also throw in my two cents re: family. Future SIL and I weren’t all that close when FI and I got engaged, but I asked her to be in my bridal party. It was DEFINITELY the right thing to do, as it’s brought us MILES closer and I’ve learned that she’s a very cool/funny person.
My biggest mistake was listening to friends who said “you’re not going to ask HER to be a bridesmaid too, right?”
No one was organized, and I had to pay for the dresses and shoes, and listen to 3 out of 4 girls constantly complain about what didn’t flatter them - the dress color, the dress style, the time of year, makeup, the shoes. Etc…
Plus, the one girl I really should have asked would have been the only one who was willing to help me do everything to prepare for the wedding, and who could organize all the small touching activities.
Thankfully she’s a generous person, and I’m her MOH, and I’ll do all in my power to make sure anything I’m responsible for will be done to perfection.
