Last night’s premarital counseling session with the pastor did not go well. In fact, it went very, very badly. It’s probably a big no-no to dislike a man of god, but I do. He’s sexist. He’s not objective and quite frankly, I don’t think he likes me!
A little back story for you–I’ve been going to the same church since we moved to Seattle, the same year I entered my junior year of high school. Our pastor lived across the street from us and I was fairly close with him. Unfortunately, he died of MS a few years ago. Enter new pastor. He is not what you’d call warm and fuzzy.
Last night was our fourth meeting and again, we went over the answers to the little compatibility test we took. Yet again, he felt that I have taken on too much in my life and that my stress level is affecting my relationship. He wants me to quit my radio job. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I made that clear last time. Evidently, he is very worried about my decisions. Mr. Strawberry isn’t–but he is.
So at this point I am a little agitated. I agree that I am a bit stressed out with the wedding, and all of my jobs, and I could use a little help around the house. I also mention that when I do have down time, Mr. Strawberry often is with his friends or playing video games. Not all the time mind you, but enough that if he is worried about time we spend together…maybe he could cut back a little in those areas. 
The pastor said that Mr. Strawberry is a man and he shouldn’t really be involved in wedding plans anyway. He went on to tell me that Mr. Strawberry is under stress too and his job is very important and he needs those breaks. I should really consider quitting my radio job. I got a little angry at this point and said that I felt that he was saying that Mr. Strawberry’s job was more important than mine. Oh, no. He just meant that Mr. Strawberry had a very direct job path that makes more money and my job is more of a hobby. WHAT!?
I’m livid at this point. We move on to the next question. It concerns alcohol and I say that I wish Mr. Strawberry wouldn’t go out as “hard” on the weekends with his friends. The pastor tells me that Mr. Strawberry is a man that is young and having fun. I just about lost it.
We left the meeting and Mr. Strawberry said, “I don’t think he likes you!” I’m having a very very hard time with the prospect of this man marrying us!
umm…why is he marrying you? there is no one else?!
follow your instincts. why have this person marry you if he doesn’t seem to respect or like you?
life is too short! if you live in seattle there’s tons of open-minded, cool, liberal, and nice ministers about. find someone else who will treat you with respect.
ummm, can you find someone else?
I so agree with Jen and Seattlebride. We met with 3 pastors before we found someone we were comfortable with. It was so worth it. Don’t let that nasty man hold you hostage at what should be one of the most loving events in your life!
Can you switch??
Wow - that is insane. I’m so sorry. Who did you want to stab more - the old fashioned priest or Mr. Strawberry for not sticking up for you?
whoa, that fires me up! definitely move on! you dont want to be angry and bitter while you are saying your vows with his comments ringing in your mind!
what if he makes an annoying comment while he is doing the ceremony? that would totally pull your focus away from mr.strawberry and you saying the most meanful things to each other at a very important moment in your life…
definitely not worth it..
whoops i meant, “meanINGful”…haha
can’t switch. this is the only pastor at our church and it’s out family church. Mr. Strawberry talked about the sticking up for me part-he thought he had when he told him that I was going to be done with weddings soon!
What a horrible pastor. I just don’t understand how someone who’s supposed to be a role model and a leader of a church body could act like that. He is not being fair nor is he taking you and your feelings into account. Maybe you should just act like everything is fine and dandy at these sessions and just work them out with Mr. S on your own! At least the pastor won’t have any more material to use against you and to piss you off with!
Wow, I am not feeling the love. I’m sorry that it seems like you have no other options but to stick with Pastor Cranky Pants.
As you cannot change pastors, can you change your house of worship - or get married (by someone else!) at the reception site?
Oh what a jerk!
I understand your pain, Miss Strawberry, in regards to the video game situation. My FMIL sounds just like your pastor, actually. I cook and clean and do the laundry, and my fiance… plays Playstation. Not that I mind typically, but once in a while it would be nice to spend quality time with him which doesn’t involve me watching him play Madden. When I have made comments in a joking manner in front of his mother, she goes on and on about how he has such a hard life (medical student) and I should be more understanding about how he needs to relax. Except… I’m a biomedical Ph.D. student in oncology, and I spend more hours/week in the lab than he does in the hospital! My “relaxing” has to be cooking and cleaning or else it doesn’t get done, but he gets to sit around and play playstation, and according to his mother, this is how relationships should be!
Wow! I think Mr. Strawberry needs/should have a talk with the pastor in your defense - Man-to-Pastor!
Yikes! Sounds like the pastor is a little bit of a jerk, even if he is a man of God, he’s still just a man. He is disrespectful to you & that’s not cool.
If he’s the only one who can marry you, can you ask him to tone it down? If you don’t feel comfortable being so direct, maybe you can write him a note? So sorry to hear that he’s stressing you out.
Good luck Miss Strawberry!
I know this is a bit duplicitous, but can the both of you just pretend in your future sessions that everything is great? So when something like alcohol comes up, you can both say “Oh no, I think her/his alcohol use is normal and healthy.” If your job comes up again, you can both say that actually, your job stress has recently abated and you are both really happy with how things stand now. Just don’t give him any ammunition.
He doesn’t respect you, and he seems to want to form your relationship the way *he* wants, so why should you go into these sessions with an aim to actually working out issues? He’s only going to hurt you.
If you can, it might be good to make an appointment with a more agreeable counselor, so you two can get the benefits of pre-marital counseling, something you won’t get from this pastor.
Can we say complete and total a$$!
I read this post out loud to my fiance and his comment was “at what point do you think you would have hauled off and punched this guy? Before or after I walked out?”
I really think that you should seriously consider having someone else do the wedding. Because during the homily, he can say anything. And, having many Catholic and Southern Baptist friends, I have heard some doozies - some of which the brides have been happy with and some brides who have been LIVID. If you think that would upset you, then you should make the change even if it means not getting married in that church.
Oh Miss Stawberry, my heart is with you on this one. I hope that you’re able to find a new pastor, someone that respects you and understands that times and roles have changed and will keep changing.
And I echo CS, with the punching question. Not that I’m a violent person, just that I can’t abide by being talked down to.
No one, male or female should have to put up with an experience like yours.
I think there’s not a question that you need to find a new pastor, even if it means (last resort) switching venues.
Most denominations will let any member of their clergy perform a wedding in any one of their churches - it may take permission from the higher ups, but can be done. And really, even if it can’t, I think the feelings behind the ceremony are one of the most important parts of any wedding.
The best weddings I’ve been to are those in which the officiant is someone meaningful to the couple, but you definitely don’t want someone who you have bad blood with.
It’s not about the wedding, it’s about the marriage, and having an officiant who is hostile to the bride sounds like a pretty bad foot to start a marriage off on.
Good Grief, Miss Strawberry that man is rude! I think I would have walked out of that meeting before it was over.
Just out of curiosity: Did Mr. Strawberry stand up for you or his thoughts on the matter? If he doesn’t mind your radio job what right does this pastor have to question it?
Good luck with all of that, and just remember that his thoughts are his thoughts and should not effect your relationship. It doesn’t seem that he’s getting to you by making you question your life, and that is GREAT!!!
Wow– I think I would look for an alternative, if it was possible without changing venues. That’s not a very moden pastorly approach to marital counseling– unless you’re in a very conservative denomination, it’s kind of shocking.
Best of luck!!! Stick with your instincts and be true to yourself…
OMG, I would have been royally peeved at the guy!! Does he know he’s living in 2007?
Fire the man of God!
wow, i would have fired him. i wouldn’t want a guy that doesn’t agree with my views to preside over my wedding!
Hilarious writing!
Have your invites already gone out? I know it may be too late for you to find another church, but maybe you could have your ceremony at the reception venue. Really, I would be worried about him saying something old fashioned and sexist during the ceremony. The service should reflect you guys as a couple, which is an issue if he doesn’t even respect you!
We had the most disinterested deacon who did our marriage prep class. He spent less than 5 minutes reviewing our 200 question survey. He has caused all sorts of headaches with getting things done in a timely manner. I know what you are saying about feeling bad about not liking a “Man of God.” I think I swore one day talking about him and I was afraid I would be struck down! Luckily, my fiance’s uncle is the priest who will be marrying us. I had just hoped to get more out of the preparation process.
Miss Strawberry, I think you should rethink this man marrying you. He obviously has no respect for you–no respect for women, period. For some people, their wedding ceremony isn’t a big deal, the marriage is what’s important. If that’s true for you, then OK. But if not…you’re not going to be happy having him marry you. First, I think if you have to see him again, tell him that you feel he has no respect for you and this concerns you to the point that you’re looking for someone else. See what he says, he may surprise you. But I doubt it.
I really liked the rabbi who married my husband and I. He’s not all that much older than us, and he seemed to “get” us, even though I can tell he didn’t understand our science fiction techno-geek lifestyle. Still, he immediately saw how much we love and rely on one another, and how special it is. And he said some wonderful things during the ceremony about my husband’s mother, who died shortly after we became engaged, even though he had never met her. Having this rabbi marry us made our wedding much more special, and it would be terrible for you not to experience the same thing.
Good luck!
And, Julie–if you don’t like the amount of time you spend cooking and cleaning while your FH is playing Playstation, you had better speak up now. Because he will only get WORSE after the wedding. Especially if he’s been raised that way, which it seems obvious he was.
He def has VERY traditional ideas. If you are not happy with this one why not choose another one or did you book him already?
Please consider finding someone else to guide you two in your spiritual needs. This person is not going to be someone that excites you and inspires you toward seeking a closer relationship with God. You do have the right to use the church where you are members yet get an outside pastor to do the ceremony!
ugh. sorry you had to deal with that! hope you’re able to figure something out
Oh my G-d… I would totally be wanting someone else officiating. His sexism in completely horrifying. I don’t know whether you can switch this late in the game, but I sure hope you can. and if you’re Catholic, although a clergyman officiates, technically, the couple is performing the sacrament, ie, you marry yourselves, which might be a comfort.
And don’t worry about not liking the guy. I once had a priest tell me a story about how he and another priest were taking a cigarette break while working at Mother Theresa’s mission. Mother Theresa chastised them for taking a break, and when she was out of eat shot, the other priest said, “what a b—-!”
this is horrible!
I hate to say this, and I know your wedding is in September, but I would either tell him that both of you feel he is being inappropriate. If someone else in the church can marry you, so be it. If not, I would file a complaint with the church. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way in a church. That is ridiculous.
Then I would go to a civil ceremony. I know that stinks after going through all this, but you need to feel comfortable. The CEREMONY is the heart of the wedding.
Last October I went to a wedding where the pastor basically chastised the bride in front of everyone, during the homily. And everything he said, he directed at her by staring at her. At one point she looked into the groom’s eyes and the man actually stopped talking until she looked back at him. It was painful and later she had a couple drinks and started crying because it had all been taped. Maybe she’ll be able to look at it and laugh one day, but it’s not going to be anytime soon.
I’m so sorry.
Frankly, as long as it didn’t disrupt the rest of the day, I’d switch, venue change or not. Though I suspect this close to the wedding, that’s a tall order.
I agree with previous commenters - I would say something to a “higher up” or find someone else. I can’t imagine having someone bless my marriage whose blessing I could not respect. This man is performing a religious and sacred ceremony - do you really want someone doing that who has so little respect for you and your fiance? A pastor should guide you, but not belittle you; understand you, but not judge. Yes, it’s about the marriage, but the ceremony itself is important - why else would we spend months and months planning every detail?!
This is why I don’t go to church.
Anyway…
That is really disturbing. Is there any way to find someone else? September isn’t all THAT close!!!
I just wouldn’t want you to be distracted by all this DURING the ceremony!!!
I’m sorry Miss Strawberry. Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. Your pastor’s pre-marital counseling is creating more strife instead of helping prepare you both for a life together. If you can’t switch venues at the last minute, can you do what CC & Go Amie said and just ‘get through it’ by not telling your pastor everything? I’m sorry that this sad excuse for a pastor (who is supposed to be a non-judgemental rock for your spirituality as well as your life) is ‘leading the flock” at your family church. If you can’t change the church or the pastor, can you create a version of your marriage for him that won’t incite his useless sexist bile? Maybe you can feed him stories about your relationship that are ’safe’ and will supply the thread he’s looking for when crafting your wedding sermon.
Oh! I could so go off right now. (After not sleeping very well because my FI has totaly pissed me off for his lack of engagement in wedding and household things right now) But I will refain from cursing out a man of God!
My blood is boiling from just reading this post. I have a hard time holding my tongue, and I would have told him to shove it.
There has GOT to be someone else who can marry you. Right? I wouldn’t want that sexist moron anywhere near my wedding.
It really doesn’t sound like you guys are a good fit with him. Is there a way of bringing in a new minister? I wish your fiance had stuck up for you during this. It might have made it a little easier on you.
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry you are in this situation with him. I would pretty upset as well.
I hope that you two are getting some benefit out of these sessions besides having better perspective in considering if this guys should be marrying you two.
Miss Strawberry, you are a better person than I for not putting that man in his place. Absolutely ridiculous! I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Not sure what denomination this church is, but we are getting married in a Lutheran Church where we currently live, and the senior pastor there has no problem with letting FI’s pastor from home/growing up perform the ceremony. You might want to see if there is another local pastor whom you can see more eye-to-eye with who would be willing to perform the ceremony in the church you’ve already book.
Switch!
I believe you have every right to be angry. He’s of an Old school mentality and needs to get with the program if he intends on being a good pastor. If you are already upset at him imagine wedding day when all the jitters and anxiety doubles…make your life easier and go with someone you’re comfortable with period. Him telling you to quit your job or “hobby” as he calls it, is completely sexist. Wedding planning is big and he might be right that you are taking on a lot, but honey, that might mean get help with your wedding . OT QUIT YOUR JOB. I know you probably need it to pay your wedding bills/save/get settled into married life.
If you cant’ switch then have a serious talk with him and make sure your husband is there to support you.-hopefully he will come to his senses taht he’s not doing the right thing.
Anyway best of luck and we’re behind you!!!
( I meant:” NOT QUIT YOUR JOB “) left the N off by accident:-(
Having been called a feminist by my friends, I will own up to it and say that this pastor would’ve received a good kick in the junk from me.
I have the fortunate situation where I love the pastor who will be marrying us, but it’s because my fiance and I made an agreement that we wanted someone who knew us and that we both liked to do it.
I would be very worried about what he might feel is okay to say during the ceremony. Wanting to kick a pastor during your wedding might need to get outweighed by finding a new pastor.
Wow, I would have lost it right there and then! Oh, I’m sorry, Ms. Strawberry 
The man who did our pre-cana was not the same we had set up to marry us. Well, our priest got called to Rome, the replacement priest is a missionary who would ask for money during our wedding so we’re stuck with the Deacon or else we have to file a formal exception with the archdiocese. Let’s just say I left pre-cana twice feeling awful about myself because of the Deacon. I hope my wedding day doesn’t have the same ending. I feel your pain.
Ms. Strawberry,
There are 2 RED FLAGS staring you in the face. A ‘man of God’ and a ‘NON-godly man’ (your fiance) both of whom have issues about women who are strong, independent, intellegent, and will actually speak up for themselves. Take a look at the relationship BOTH men have with their mothers and I am quite sure you will find a difficult past. Either the moms of these two men were very strong (like yourself) and/or their fathers abused the women and left a lasting impression on these two guys as being ‘acceptable’ behavior of women. In the Bible, God makes it clear that the husband is to treat the wife as the ‘church’…….the ‘church’ being GOD. The woman is to be revered and neither of these men have remotely displayed god-like behavior (it tkaes more than a cloak and collar to impress me). The person whom is supposed to marry you in your family church should be looked at like ‘that which is negative’ (biblically speaking)and be considered a ‘test’ of your faith. God does not put us through anything we cannot handle but He DOES give us ‘choices’ of paths to take. Your wedding SHOULD NOT have to include the pressures aforementioned. Fittings, bridal party questions, inclimate weather, etc, etc, etc, should be the ONLY true ‘issues’ you should be faced with. Also, this man you are about to marry (you still have a choice) has made his TRUE INTENTIONS about whom is to be his bride (you) and just a little advice from Dallas……..his behavior is unacceptable. Your fiance is supposed to ‘defend’ his ‘bride’ and that means to ANYONE (family, friends, church leaders, etc) and at all costs. PERIOD! Your heart is worth far more than all the monies you, your parents, or whomever else has financially helped with your wedding plans so step back and take a real long look at everything about your relationship, issues good and not so good, people close to you, your career (and by that I mean is the stress you are being caused from the person scheduled to perform the ceremony AND your fiance) and all that you have had cross your mind that YOU feel has brought you some sort of additional stress and I feel quite certain that with the woman your words appear you to be, you will ‘clean’ your emotional house no matter who is in the fallout. Also, you can have anyone of your choosing marry you. For instance, Tori Spelling just became an ordained minister (via the internet) so she can perform weddings at her new inn/b&b. If you want your father, favorite uncle, best friend…whomever…to be the one that will TRULY have your heart’s interest in the right place then find someone YOU KNOW won’t be emotionally abusing you for being the woman that you apparently are.
Ms.Strawberry,
Anyone taking pre-marital classes needs to underdstand that those classes are not just for ‘biblical’ reasons but also to give both the groom-to-be and the bride-to-be a ‘last chance’, if you will, to see if this potential union FITS for both parties. Consider these classes as a lengthy ‘interview’ process. Knowing what you do now about your fiance defending the woman in his life, if one of your closest girlfriends came to you and shared the exact same scenario as you have described, what would your reaction be? If you’d remotely tell her to ‘rethink’ marrying this guy then you will HAVE your answer. If he won’t defend you now, just what kind of father would he be? Will your fiance ‘challenge’ you every time you want your feelings/thoughts to be heard? He is now.
Ms. Strawberry,
I realize this is your family church, but do you really want to continue going to this church if this pastor is at the helm? Switch venues and find someone to marry you who respects you. Don’t let some chauvinist throwback ruin the most important part of this whole process: the actual ceremony.
oh jeez..now I have to defend Mr. Strawberry. He was as blown away as I was by his remarks. I’m still going to marry him.
Natalie…you are taking a SLIVER of the picture when you ask Miss Strawberry to re-think marrying Mr. Strawberry based on this one experience. She also noted that Mr.S did think he was doing his part during the discussion in a reply, above. I whole-heartedly believe the things that they discussed during their session were items brought up merely for discussion–they are not things that make or break their relationship but can be discussed and maybe improved upon–and there’s always room for growth in a relationship!
Mr.S is not misogynistic or lazy or hurtful (abusive?!?!) to MissS. It was ALARMING to read your comments and I’m glad most posters approached this from the point that needs to be debated–this officiant.
I would say, Miss Strawberry, that having Mr. Strawberry or one of your parents (if they know the story and agree) chat with your pastor is a great idea. Knowing the invites went out and that it is very important to get married in the church you grew up in (in the area), it sounds like your only option, other than feeding positive stories at your next session as others have mentioned. If you could get a new officant that would be ideal. But, as I don’t see that happening, I am sure yours and Mr. Strawberry’s sense of humor and everything else will get you through!
Also, you said this if your fourth session. I don’t remember hearing anything negative about the other ones–did he take a turn for the worst with this one session or are there always these negative undertones?
Wow, my sympathies are with you Miss Strawberry! I hope you can find a new officiant (if that’s what you chose to do), but if not…maybe this guy can be made to see sense? Your wedding could be more meaningful to both of you if you are married by someone who cares about both of you, approves of your marriage & decisions, and is committed to helping you maintain the loving relationship I’m sure you already have.
Miss Strawberry, your feelings about this situation are so legit. As a fellow church-going Seattleite, I understand how hard it is to fend off sexism in the church (which is ridiculous, but it’s the reality). It sounds like switching officiants is not an option, but I would make VERY clear expectations about his role in the ceremony. You don’t want him to rant about gender crap in ways that won’t reflect the values of The Strawberries.
Mrs. Strawberry, Seattle
Age and Occupation: 25, Radio DJ, Advertising Sales, Day of Wedding Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Engineer
Engagement Date: 07/04/2006
Wedding Date: September 1, 2007
Venue: Lake Union Cafe, Seattle
About Me: I'm a Navy brat that has lived all over the world. I love reality shows that are in poor taste, going to new restaurants, and trying to be crafty. Emphasis on trying!
Ugh, I would have totally lost it. The pastor sounds like he was being so unfair!!!