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Last night’s premarital counseling session with the pastor did not go well. In fact, it went very, very badly. It’s probably a big no-no to dislike a man of god, but I do. He’s sexist. He’s not objective and quite frankly, I don’t think he likes me!
A little back story for you–I’ve been going to the same church since we moved to Seattle, the same year I entered my junior year of high school. Our pastor lived across the street from us and I was fairly close with him. Unfortunately, he died of MS a few years ago. Enter new pastor. He is not what you’d call warm and fuzzy.
Last night was our fourth meeting and again, we went over the answers to the little compatibility test we took. Yet again, he felt that I have taken on too much in my life and that my stress level is affecting my relationship. He wants me to quit my radio job. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I made that clear last time. Evidently, he is very worried about my decisions. Mr. Strawberry isn’t–but he is.
So at this point I am a little agitated. I agree that I am a bit stressed out with the wedding, and all of my jobs, and I could use a little help around the house. I also mention that when I do have down time, Mr. Strawberry often is with his friends or playing video games. Not all the time mind you, but enough that if he is worried about time we spend together…maybe he could cut back a little in those areas. 
The pastor said that Mr. Strawberry is a man and he shouldn’t really be involved in wedding plans anyway. He went on to tell me that Mr. Strawberry is under stress too and his job is very important and he needs those breaks. I should really consider quitting my radio job. I got a little angry at this point and said that I felt that he was saying that Mr. Strawberry’s job was more important than mine. Oh, no. He just meant that Mr. Strawberry had a very direct job path that makes more money and my job is more of a hobby. WHAT!?
I’m livid at this point. We move on to the next question. It concerns alcohol and I say that I wish Mr. Strawberry wouldn’t go out as “hard” on the weekends with his friends. The pastor tells me that Mr. Strawberry is a man that is young and having fun. I just about lost it.
We left the meeting and Mr. Strawberry said, “I don’t think he likes you!” I’m having a very very hard time with the prospect of this man marrying us!
Ugh, I would have totally lost it. The pastor sounds like he was being so unfair!!!
umm…why is he marrying you? there is no one else?!
follow your instincts. why have this person marry you if he doesn’t seem to respect or like you?
life is too short! if you live in seattle there’s tons of open-minded, cool, liberal, and nice ministers about. find someone else who will treat you with respect.
I so agree with Jen and Seattlebride. We met with 3 pastors before we found someone we were comfortable with. It was so worth it. Don’t let that nasty man hold you hostage at what should be one of the most loving events in your life!
Can you switch??
Wow - that is insane. I’m so sorry. Who did you want to stab more - the old fashioned priest or Mr. Strawberry for not sticking up for you?
whoa, that fires me up! definitely move on! you dont want to be angry and bitter while you are saying your vows with his comments ringing in your mind!
what if he makes an annoying comment while he is doing the ceremony? that would totally pull your focus away from mr.strawberry and you saying the most meanful things to each other at a very important moment in your life…
definitely not worth it..
whoops i meant, “meanINGful”…haha
can’t switch. this is the only pastor at our church and it’s out family church. Mr. Strawberry talked about the sticking up for me part-he thought he had when he told him that I was going to be done with weddings soon! 
What a horrible pastor. I just don’t understand how someone who’s supposed to be a role model and a leader of a church body could act like that. He is not being fair nor is he taking you and your feelings into account. Maybe you should just act like everything is fine and dandy at these sessions and just work them out with Mr. S on your own! At least the pastor won’t have any more material to use against you and to piss you off with!
Wow, I am not feeling the love. I’m sorry that it seems like you have no other options but to stick with Pastor Cranky Pants.
As you cannot change pastors, can you change your house of worship - or get married (by someone else!) at the reception site?
Oh what a jerk!
I understand your pain, Miss Strawberry, in regards to the video game situation. My FMIL sounds just like your pastor, actually. I cook and clean and do the laundry, and my fiance… plays Playstation. Not that I mind typically, but once in a while it would be nice to spend quality time with him which doesn’t involve me watching him play Madden. When I have made comments in a joking manner in front of his mother, she goes on and on about how he has such a hard life (medical student) and I should be more understanding about how he needs to relax. Except… I’m a biomedical Ph.D. student in oncology, and I spend more hours/week in the lab than he does in the hospital! My “relaxing” has to be cooking and cleaning or else it doesn’t get done, but he gets to sit around and play playstation, and according to his mother, this is how relationships should be!
Wow! I think Mr. Strawberry needs/should have a talk with the pastor in your defense - Man-to-Pastor!
Yikes! Sounds like the pastor is a little bit of a jerk, even if he is a man of God, he’s still just a man. He is disrespectful to you & that’s not cool.
If he’s the only one who can marry you, can you ask him to tone it down? If you don’t feel comfortable being so direct, maybe you can write him a note? So sorry to hear that he’s stressing you out.
Good luck Miss Strawberry!
I know this is a bit duplicitous, but can the both of you just pretend in your future sessions that everything is great? So when something like alcohol comes up, you can both say “Oh no, I think her/his alcohol use is normal and healthy.” If your job comes up again, you can both say that actually, your job stress has recently abated and you are both really happy with how things stand now. Just don’t give him any ammunition.
He doesn’t respect you, and he seems to want to form your relationship the way *he* wants, so why should you go into these sessions with an aim to actually working out issues? He’s only going to hurt you.
If you can, it might be good to make an appointment with a more agreeable counselor, so you two can get the benefits of pre-marital counseling, something you won’t get from this pastor.
Can we say complete and total a$$!
I read this post out loud to my fiance and his comment was “at what point do you think you would have hauled off and punched this guy? Before or after I walked out?”
I really think that you should seriously consider having someone else do the wedding. Because during the homily, he can say anything. And, having many Catholic and Southern Baptist friends, I have heard some doozies - some of which the brides have been happy with and some brides who have been LIVID. If you think that would upset you, then you should make the change even if it means not getting married in that church.
Oh Miss Stawberry, my heart is with you on this one. I hope that you’re able to find a new pastor, someone that respects you and understands that times and roles have changed and will keep changing.
And I echo CS, with the punching question. Not that I’m a violent person, just that I can’t abide by being talked down to.
No one, male or female should have to put up with an experience like yours.
I think there’s not a question that you need to find a new pastor, even if it means (last resort) switching venues.
Most denominations will let any member of their clergy perform a wedding in any one of their churches - it may take permission from the higher ups, but can be done. And really, even if it can’t, I think the feelings behind the ceremony are one of the most important parts of any wedding.
The best weddings I’ve been to are those in which the officiant is someone meaningful to the couple, but you definitely don’t want someone who you have bad blood with.
It’s not about the wedding, it’s about the marriage, and having an officiant who is hostile to the bride sounds like a pretty bad foot to start a marriage off on.
Good Grief, Miss Strawberry that man is rude! I think I would have walked out of that meeting before it was over.
Just out of curiosity: Did Mr. Strawberry stand up for you or his thoughts on the matter? If he doesn’t mind your radio job what right does this pastor have to question it?
Good luck with all of that, and just remember that his thoughts are his thoughts and should not effect your relationship. It doesn’t seem that he’s getting to you by making you question your life, and that is GREAT!!!
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Mrs. Strawberry, Seattle Age and Occupation: 25, Radio DJ, Advertising Sales, Day of Wedding Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Engineer Engagement Date: 07/04/2006 Wedding Date: September 1, 2007 Venue: Lake Union Cafe, Seattle About Me: I'm a Navy brat that has lived all over the world. I love reality shows that are in poor taste, going to new restaurants, and trying to be crafty. Emphasis on trying!
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