Open Question
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Open Question: Uninterested Groom
July 31st, 2007 @ 5:25 pm by Open Question
I am having the HARDEST time. My fiance is not a wedding person. He is also very non-traditional. If he had his way, we’d elope or have a very intimate, family only, non-traditional wedding. I, on the other hand, am very traditional, really want a full-on wedding (not huge, mind you, but I want all my close friends and family to be able to attend.). My fiance believes that the significance and all that’s sacred about weddings has been lost because it has turned into an “industry” and weddings are now not at all meaningful.
So, my impression was that if he didn’t care about weddings, then he wouldn’t care about the decisions I made about it. Was I wrong. He now believes he is an “accessory” to MY wedding, not OUR wedding. And please believe me, I’m not disregarding his feelings nor am I having an extravagant, expensive, bridal-magazine worthy wedding! So now, whenever I ask for his opinion about things, he likens it to when he asks me for my opinion about what kind of motorcycle parts he should buy. In other words, he doesn’t care and thinks I don’t care about him or his opinions either. Totally indifferent.
We are now less than two months to the wedding date and he has yet to put together his guest list or pick his groomsmen. He did, however, take care of photography. Other than that… I don’t know what to do. He wants untraditional, intimate, small and meaningful… I want traditional, friends and family, meaningful. I don’t know what to do or how to reach a compromise!
HELP!?
Shara
19 Responses to “Open Question: Uninterested Groom”
I know its easier said then done, but it seems like you two are going to have to sit down and compromise. What does he mean by untraditional? Writing his own vows, not having an officiant, funky music? Can you incorporate the important traditional elements you want and the important untraditional elements he wants?
He wants small, you want not-so-small. But what is the actual difference in numbers? Is there a compromise there? Hasn’t picked his groomsmen? Why don’t you ask if he’d prefer to just have a best man?
How about having a private ceremony and bigger reception?
But (and this may sound harsh, and I don’t mean it to be) if you want him to be involved in decisions then you have to let him decide on things that are important to him. If you are asking him to choose between 3 very formal invitations for example, then he has a point about the motorcycle part thing given that he’s interested in untraditional things.
Its also possible that he’s being completely unreasonable. 
Jeez, I wrote a book! Sorry!
It sounds like you and your fiance are having a tough time coming to any sort of agreement, and maybe he’s avoiding his tasks to make the point that he thinks those tasks are unnecessary. His way of saying “I didn’t want to have any guests, so I’m not making a guest list.” It is actually a little bit of an immature way of handling it.
So for handling the tasks, I would suggest that you make a list of potential guests for his side and then ask him to just look over it and okay it or make changes so that he doesn’t have to do much work. Maybe let him have just one best man instead of a host of groomsmen since having a lot of people there is obviously not his priority.
But the bigger issue is you two coming to a compromise, and it’s a bigger issue than picking groomsmen and making a guest list. You two are not communicating your needs well with each other. He’s being selfish not listening to what is important to you, and I don’t know if the reverse is true but maybe you want to think carefully about where you can meet him in the middle so that he’s getting a bit of what he wants too?
I would be concerned if you guys can’t come to an agreement and care about what each other want. It sounds like you’re both trying to do things your own way, and you won the “big wedding” battle so he’s sulking.
Is your wedding as planned a large, traditional, friends and family affair? If so it sounds like, so far, your ideas have won against his. If I were your FH, I would be worried that my opinions were going to carry little weight in our marriage, since they’d carried little weight in wedding planning.
The key, I think, is to stop talking to your FH, and start listening to him — you might be amazed at what he has to say . . . and he’ll be amazed to remember that you really do want to understand his thoughts and feelings on your wedding.
If it were me, I’d start by setting aside a time for FH and I to have a heart-to-heart talk about our expectations for our marriage (not the wedding) and confirm that we”re still on the same page there.
Then, since the one thing you both agree on for the wedding is you want it to be “meaningful” you can discuss what each of you believes would be meaningful, and find ways to achieve it for both of you - he may get to enter to the Star Wars theme, and you enter to Canon in D . . . but, that’s a doable compromise. Again, listening is key. . . .
The hardest part about involving your FH in wedding planning is that you may have to give up some of your ideas of how you’ve envisioned your “perfect” day . . . But, since the wedding is a celebration of the relationship and your union, those are generally happy compromises because the wedding will then reflect the two of you, and not be the cookie-cutter wedding industry idea of a ceremony and reception.
Good luck to you!
My man’s the same way. I told him “hey, if you aren’t going to pick your groomsmen, then hey, don’t have any.” It wasn’t until he went to his good friend’s wedding and was in the wedding party that he decided he wanted everyone and their dog to be in the wedding party.
I pretty much didn’t include him in the wedding process. I told him “do you want to help with this?” even though I knew the answer, just to make sure he didn’t ever change his mind. 
I’m sorry things have not been going very smooth in your planning with him. At this point you two really need to sit down. You need to express to him that his bridal party and guest list need to be done ASAP since folks other than the two of you are affected. After that maybe you can do a NWR weekend so that you two can reconnect. There are still some decisions in these two months that can be made to express both of you instead of the lopsidedness he is feeling. He also needs to articulate what he specifically wants given the circumstance of the time frame and the major decisions already made.
Good luck. I hope you two can reconnect soon.
Shara: It’s okay you’re not alone!
First of all, Paula gave you some really good advice and I think you should take it.
My situation is similar to yours in that I wanted to include my family, have a celebration, etc. & he wanted it just to be us. Communication is the key. Before we planned anything, we talked about what we wanted & then compromised from there. Since you are so close to your date, you’re going to have to put the brakes on (mini-brakes anyway) and have a heart-to-heart and really listen to what he is saying. You can still have a beautiful day, but you’re going to have to compromise. You may feel like you already are, but maybe you just aren’t communicating that in a way your FI can understand. Your world will be a lot easier if he gets that you are taking him into consideration and listening to him and he’s not just a cog in the wheel of “your” day.
If you are not able to come to a compromise, then as painful as it is, you may want to take a look at the bigger picture. If you can’t get through this, then what about the actual marriage? I think you can make it work, but it’s going to take a lot of effort and maturity on both of your parts…hang in there!
Tessa, the same thing has happened to me! My fiance was a groomsman in a friend’s wedding and now… his guest list alone is BIGGER than the actual capacity of the venue! He has also since chosen his groomsmen…. and now wants me to find a new reception venue to house his 100+ friends (not including his family list that I got from his mother and my friends/family list). Trying to keep his needs in mind regarding wanting a small wedding, I stuck to family/extended family only and a handful (literally 5) of friends. So now it looks like his vision for the small, intimate wedding has shifted!
I appreciate the suggestions and even the criticisms. It may sound like I have the “ideal” wedding in mind and won’t even consider detracting from it, but the reality is that all i want is for my fiance to be as excited about the wedding as I am (and it would be a bonus if he agreed with me on everything too! haha, just kidding). I told my fiance that he could have full control over the actual content of the day - the ceremony, the reception, etc. - while I took care of the details like invitations, locations, favors, flowers, etc. However, he has not offered any concrete suggestions to me besides “I just want people to walk away thinking that it was the most meaningful and coolest wedding they’ve ever been to.” So, in the event that he does not plan the “coolest meaningful” ceremony and reception, i’ve been working on a back-up plan, just in case!
His main complaint has been that i didn’t get him involved from the beginning, so now it has become “my” wedding and there’s nothing he can do or will try to do to to be excited about it or involved. As i mentioned in my original post, i really just thought he didn’t care one way or the other about the wedding, so i went ahead and started planning it the way i wanted it. Now that i’ve learned that he is not sharing my vision, i’m not sure how to go back and repair this… especially being that the wedding is less than 2 months away now! eeeeeek!
Very interesting follow-up, Shara. This, as they say, is a horse of a different color, and much more fixable - if your FH is willing to re-engage in the process.
When we started planning our wedding (and ours is 8 weeks from last Saturday, so we might be date twins (9/22)), my FH also had visions of “cool” and “meaningful” — and we had long conversations about what we really wanted to be reflected in our wedding weekend (and sampled lots of potential wedding wines in the process 
A year later, our welcome party, ceremony, and reception are filled with little details of “us”) — we’ve loved the planning process, though the number of details to still be accomplished astonishes us both.
He didn’t realize when we started planning (and neither did I, initially, though I had a better sense than he) of just how much work goes into making an intimate, meaningful, and “cool” wedding that will stand out from those of our friends and relatives getting married/just married/about to become engaged . . . .
If your FH will roll up his sleeves and willingly put in the effort to accomplish the details in ceremony, decor, food, music, favors, etc. that will make your wedding . . . well . . . yours, you’ll end up with an event you can both remember fondly, as reflecting both of your styles, tastes, personalities, and the unique qualities of your relationship.
But, it’s work - none of it gets done in a few hours. We’ve spent 25 hours working on the ceremony alone at this point — selecting readings/readers, writing/practicing our vows, etc. — and we’ve still got two or three items to hammer out. But, somehow, it’s this process that makes us feel more married than anything that will actually happen on the wedding day — and that’s been an exciting, intimacy-building aspect of this whole process for us — neither of us had any clue that we’d feel so much closer from planning the wedding, but it’s been like a free forum for exploring our relationship.
Maybe if he starts thinking of the wedding, and planning for the wedding, as building a foundation for your married life, he can get as excited about it as you are. A couple that assembles invitations . . . prints maps . . . ties ribbons on bubbles . . . prepares favor boxes . . .makes centerpieces . . . shops for cake cutting sets . . . purchases toasting flutes . . . together . . . stays together?!
i think you still have time to include him. and it’s not too late to change some items. unfortunately, the venue may be a difficult one to change, but certainly not impossible. what area of the country are you at?
but you can certainly send out more invites, order more of this and that and whatnot. the changes might be more costly, but i think your FI’s feelings of inclusion are more impt at this point. but sit him down and just talk sincerely with him. and go over each aspect and ask him, how would you like to do this differently? if it’s do-able and you like the idea, then go for it or compromise. i think the biggest downfall in the situation is that you assumed he didn’t care. and it’s truly incredible how our grooms have opinions that we didn’t think they had-right down to the length of the bridesmaids’ gowns sometimes! i know it’s like working backwards or starting over, but just start at the beginning and ask him what he thinks of it all. good luck!
My friend had 3 weddings. As she puts it–”the one my parents wanted, the one his parents wanted, and the one that we wanted”. The one the couple wanted was in a friend’s tiny restaurant in Manhattan. The others were big parties in the parents’ respective locales.
I’m sorry I’ve written such long comments — I’m a total relationship junky, and I’m always interested in how others have managed the kinds of issues that we all face, from time to time, in our relationships - I think it’s a combination of working for several years as a family law attorney, going through an awful breakup, and finally meeting the right man for me .
I’m confident you and your FH can work through this (both your hearts seem to be in the right place) - and, please, let us know how it works out.
How about a compromise?
The rehearsal dinner can be extremely small and intimate… families only, and a very special occasion.
Then the wedding itself can be larger and more inclusive.
Then your FI could focus his energies on the rehearsal dinner… finding a restaurant, nailing down the guest list for the dinner, and creating the sort of special vibe he’s going for?
Would he throw himself into planning a part he would enjoy and could be the complete “boss” of — rehearsal dinner, honeymoon?
when we began our planning we sat down and talked about the parts of the wedding that were most important to us. i said i really wanted a good photographer. he said he wanted good food, drinks and all his family to be there. therefore, we knew where to spend more money and where we could skimp. and because he said that food, drinks and family were his important factors, i left that stuff more so up to him. since i knew that he didn’t care so much about our color story and our favors i was free to do whatever i wanted in regard to them.
we had a smaller semi-traditional wedding and it was great! we had a small ceremony in our art gallery, 45 ppl, and then a bigger reception up the street in a jazz club, 100 ppl. everyone had a great time and it was a really nice balance of it feeling like a wedding but also just like a really great party. good luck!
Omg…you sound like me and my FI..right down to motorcycle parts. While FI recognizes that this is “our” wedding, he’s made it clear that it is really “my” day. His ideal wedding is Vegas or destination wedding where most people can’t go/afford. In the beginning, we compromised…semi destination wedding and then I would have my reception. Mind you, he didn’t care about the details. He did not book any vendors and it was pulling teeth to get him to give me a guest list of any kind.
I could go on and on, but to sum up: he doesn’t care about wedding details..it just doesn’t interest him. Just like if he asked you which ride is smoother: Suzuki GSX or Honda Magma, your eyes would glaze over. But you still support his love of motorcycles, right?
Yes, my FI wants a great party and for friends and family to have lots of fun; but he doesn’t think the party has to be a big deal. That doesn’t mean that he won’t appreciate the effort you put into planning the whole thing. I booked everything myself (I would run it by him just to see if I get a strong reaction…once in a while I get a negative reaction so I would nix the idea…most of the time, he’ll grunt an ok). I even put together the guest list on my own (including his friends). Then I would show him his list and ask if I’m missing anyone. My FI would look at the list and then mention the few that I missed. As for groomsmen, I knew who his closest friends are. And I would ask him, best friend or close brother? Little things that help him think about it without feeling overwhelmed by the all the wedding details. And then gently remind him to ask the Best Man.
Yes, this is “my” day. I acknowledge to my FI that it is true. What makes this work out well is that my FI recognizes that having a party with all my friends and family is important to me. As much as he does not care about the reception, he knows that if I gave it up…I would always have the “I wish I had…”, “I wish I did this…” for the rest of my life. And he does not want me to ever have that regret/longing.
Sorry this is long and don’t know if any of this helps. Good luck!
Sit down and have a heart to heart with your FI. Ask him for 3 or 4 things that are really important to him re: the wedding. I agree with the comment above that asking him for his opinion on things that are unimportant to him is probably making him feel like this wedding is all. about. you. Which, probably makes you feel like he doesn’t care about the wedding. Find out the things that he really wants - maybe an unconventional reading or song. Don’t ask him for his opinion of something you want. Try to find out what he wants (more than a small/intimate wedding) and he will get involved from there.
My FI was like that when we first got engaged. He actually said that the planning of the wedding would be more my thing - he didn’t know about invitations and all that stuff. But, now that he’s seen all the work it takes, he’s really giving his input - going to meet with vendors, helping me design the invites. He’s also really gung-ho about all the DIY stuff we’re going to have to do. At the same time, I know that asking him about flowers or textured cardstock vs. non-textured will fly right over his head. With those kinds of things I just ask him for a simple thumbs up or thumbs down. But, he’s still involved.
Hope that helps. Good luck!
What has worked for me is coming home with choices: “honey, I like the following four invitations. which of these do you prefer? why?”. If none is a hit, then at least I know where to go back and look. This is going to come out sounding terrible, but approach the discussion as if you were talking to a child. Don’t say “what sort of appetizers do you think you want?” and DO say “would you prefer shrimp or pate? do you think we need a vegetarian option?” etc. Try to make the questions as “yes/no” or multiple choice as you can, and your conversations will be more productive.
The other thing is that, for my fi, it is very about money. I was dreaming about what I wanted, and then tried to scale it into something we could afford. Those “extravagent” dreams were just frustrating for my FI, who really thought we should be starting simple and staying simple. I don’t know what your situation is, but perhaps your FI is feeling that (even if you’re under budget, like I am!!) you could be doing it more cheaply. No kidding, my fi suggested getting 4 year old who/what/where/why birthday party invites.
All that said, it’s pretty unfair of him to not have a guest list. Reluctance is one thing, total recalcitrance is another. Not cool. Maybe its worth telling him that it’s not fair for you to be in trouble for picking up his slack. Good luck and I hope it works out for you!
I’m a little confused because the first question says he wants something small, but then your follow up says he has 100+ friends to invite? I was ready to type up one response after reading the first question - but after reading your follow up I have no idea what to think, because your second post makes it sounds like he’s much more interested.
It’s obviously too late now, but I feel like the guest list should have been discussed much earlier than 2 months before the wedding! (Don’t your invitations need to be mailed right about now?)
I think you guys need to have a big talk (quick) and figure some things out.
Our planning has gone alright, mostly because we made our wishes about the wedding clear to eachother from the start. The only area of disagreement is that we now have a videographer - neither of us were really fond of the idea and FI doesn’t want a video camera in his face all night, but my parents are paying for the photo/video - and threw in some more money for the video anyway… (instead of something we actually care about)
Anyway - it’s probably a little short notice to find a new venue to accomodate all of the guests, but remember - there will probably be many people who can’t come (depending on where the people on your guest list live in relation to the wedding).
