My sister is supposed to be my MOH, and she’s purchased her dress. However, she and I have almost NEVER gotten along; especially now. It’s always better when she’s away at college. I don’t think I can take much more butting of heads with her and need to decide whether or not I should ask her to step down from her duties as MOH (7 months till the wedding). Doing this would also alleviate the problem of her always being out of state for college when I need help with wedding related stuff, and her having to try to put together a shower and bachelorette party.
I don’t want to go all bridezilla on her (shudder) and leave fresh family wounds, but I really don’t know if I can deal with the stress the relationship is putting on me on top of the planning and my job as a teacher. Help? Suggestions???
-Karen
My MOH is out of state too but reason I picked her wasn’t because I knew she’d be able to help with everything, it was because she was my “oldest and bestest friend” (big inside joke between the two of us).
I wouldn’t ask her to step down, I’d probably talk to one of my other BMs to help pick up the slack and just know you won’t be giving your sister alot of tasks to work on. Let your sister know because she is busy with school, that you’ll have another BM help out so she isn’t as stressed. She’d probably be thrilled.
To ask her to step down won’t just strain your relationship now, think about the consequences down the line.
Instead of asking her to step down, which seems like it would cause even more grief than it’s worth, what about asking a bridesmaid to step up as a second MOH? That way your sister won’t be offended that you’re asking her to step down, but you’ll still have another person there helping you with MOH-type duties. Just explain to your sister that you have become even closer with a particular friend as of late, and you would like her to share the MOH duties to alleviate her some stress. I plan to have both a maid and matron of honor, so I don’t think it would be problematic to have two if that will help you the most in the end (and cause the least amount of conflict/hurt). Good luck!
My maid of honor is also my best friend of 15 years, and in now way shape or form do I expect her to fulfill her “MOH duties” that a typical MOH would. She is a tomboy, very anti-wedding, unwed herself, the list goes on. And in no way would I EVER hand her a list and say “here. heres what i expect of you. do it.” So because she is not well versed in weddings, I have a feeling that she wont do all those little things that are typically expected of MOHs. But I love her and I cant imagine anyone else being my MOH. However she handles her duties is fine with me. If she doesnt plan my bachelorette, I’ll plan it myself. If she doesnt plan my shower, I’ll have my mom do it. And I wont be bitter about it. Because i thought long and hard about it before i asked her.
There are very few reasons that I feel are acceptable to ask your MOH to step down, especially if your situation has not changed at all. You mentioned that you never got along in the first place…why would you make her your MOH? It doesnt seem right to me that you would ever choose someone that stresses you out so much to be your “right hand woman” at this time in your life. I dont think that you can ask her to step down. You made the mistake of asking her in the first place.
If i were in this situation, I’d just pick up the pieces myself. I’m sure the rest of your bridesmaids would be happy to pick up where your sister left off and help you with all the details pertaining to your wedding. there is no specific rule saying that your shower HAS to be thrown by your MOH. Have your mom throw it for you, or have your other bridesmaids host. Same goes for your bachelorette. If your sister gets fussy on you, then just ALLEVIATE HER of her duties alltogether, and just simply tell her where to show up and when. If she gets there, she gets there. dont worry about it.
Your mistake was made when you asked her to be your MOH in the first place, especially because it seems that you’ve never really had a great relationship to begin with. Now its your duty to pick up where she leaves off, and NOT to alienate your sister because you feel she isnt doing everything you expect her to do. Bridesmaids are your friends and family, they are NOT your work robots. remember to treat them as such!
I guess I’m going through something similar. My sister and I are usually very close, that is until I got engaged. Now, it seems like all she does is avoid me. (Jealousy?) The wedding is now less than a month a way and I need her more than ever. She was supposed to go to my hair trial with me today, but just cancelled on me. I’m anxious to see people’s advice and comments. This is really a difficult situation. I know what you’re going through!!!
Let her be a figurehead (MOH title — what does it mean anyway?) but work with others on any “duties.” Would avoid the word “duties” anyway, because it’s supposed to be more of an honorary position. You can hire out the duties or find people who are dying to help (there’s always someone!).
Your question was interesting because at the beginning, you said it’s always better when she’s away at college. Then you said that it’s a problem that she is always out of state. Yes, it puts strain on your already busy schedule and career, but unless she’s a big college slacker, she should be busy and enduring a full schedule, too. As a compromise, I would re-evaluate my to do list and see what things she can do remotely. There are things that she can do on the computer - like help make decisions when you have several photos of hair styles that you like, or choose between a list of salons to go to and make the appointments. There are also tangible things she can do, like write up the program, assemble things, shop for accessories, stuff like that. Maybe the whole experience will even bring you closer!! In addition, as the other girls said, you can ask for more help from other people. If I was in a wedding and the bride asked me to do something, I would do it. It doesn’t matter what “role” I am or who “should” do it. As long as the bride is capitalizing on my strengths, then I would be flattered and thrilled to help. (for example, I would love to put my nice handwriting to good use, but don’t ask me to sing or bake something… unless you want me to eat half of it.) That should help alleviate some of the tasks. She could review and provide feedback on the day-of timeline. She could help select readings for the ceremony. She could compile a list of shots that the photographer should take. If your sister was getting married out of state and you were her MOH, how would you help her?
I’m sure it will work out okay, in the next 7 months there will be some breaks and vacations/holidays in which she can help - just let her know now that you would like to spend that time with her and that there are things you are lining up to do then. (So she doesn’t make other plans.) The added family drama isn’t worth it, I don’t think, so replacing her would be more headaches than it’s worth.
Good luck!
do you have BM’s who can help? if so, just have them help you out. i think they’d understand and would be more than willing to pitch in more than anticipated given the situation. i’m curious why you asked her sister to be your MOH to begin with if you two never got along? good luck!
I completely agree with what Brooke wrote- could you have 2 MOHs? One of my best friends and I both got married this summer, less than a month apart. She was one of my maids of honor (I couldn’t choose between two of my girls) and I was her matron of honor while her sister was her maid of honor. She and her sister are very different from each other and don’t usually get along that well. Despite this, my friend still wanted her sis in the wedding, to which her sister said she would only be in it if she were the MOH. So, there were 2 of us. I did most of the typical MOH duties, but her sister still had the title that she wanted. In the end, I think both situations worked out for the best. For my wedding, my MOHs worked together to plan my bachelorette party, etc.
The only thing I would worry about if you asked her to step down would be the strain it would have on your relationship in the future.
Hope you figure out what works best for you! Good luck with everything!
But why did you ask her to be your MOH in the first place? Was it simply that she is your sister? If so, sounds like a friend or someone else who you feel close to would be better for the MOH role.
Good luck!
If you and your sister truly do not get along, she’d probably be relieved to be offered the opportunity to gracefully step aside (school commitments, etc.) It’s at least worth having a conversation with her to get her thoughts on it - be honest, admit that the two of you aren’t peas in a pod, and let her know that there will be no hard feelings if she’d like to step down.
Both of my Maids of Honor live in California (I’m in Kansas), have children they raise (my sister is a single mom), and businesses to run. Even with their busy lives, and their far-awayness, we’ve managed to maintain the special bond a bride has with her MOH (or MsOH as the case may be!), and they’ve been ready to answer my questions and help me out via email and phone whenever I’ve really needed them!
Your sister is going back to school, so you won’t be seeing her as often, and that will probably keep you from butting heads so much. (Ask me why I live in Kansas? Because it helps me and my family love each other that much more!) Hang in there…the relationship you guys have will get better, and someday down the line, you will realize how important it was for you to have her there by your side on your wedding day. In the meantime, lean on the BMs that are closer to you, and can help you out when you’re confused about a decision or just need some general support in a pinch. (I’d imagine that your sister will be busy at college, and won’t be ready at the email as quickly as some that are out of college who have a job, etc…) Meleven’s comment was stellar, so give some of that a go, and good luck to you!
I really don’t think it’s worth the family conflict to have her step down. I made both my sisters bridesmaids (the ONLY bridesmaids I will have), but I am not even asking them to do anything in terms of planning, parties, etc. I have a full time planner and friends who will help with that. It was just important for me to include my family in our celebration. So perhaps your friends and bridesmaids can help out with all the upcoming tasks. And your sister can assist whenever she can.
If you ask her to step down, it might totally ruin your relationship. She’s your sister–even if you don’t get along all that well, you don’t want that. You might even discover that you’re much closer after the wedding. Think of her as the person who will help you and stand up with you at the wedding, and have your other bridesmaids help you out during the planning when she’s away at college. If she’s away at college anyway, how did you ever expect her to complete the MOH “duties?” Be blunt with your bridesmaids, tell them that you had to make her your MOH because she’s your sister, but since she’s away, you’re going to need their help putting together the shower and bachelorette party.
Good luck. Remember, she’s your sister. Your wedding is a big deal, but it’s still a single event in the long history of your relationship–having someone who can perform those MOH “duties” that I keep hearing about isn’t more important than a good relationship with your sister.
Asking someone to step down is always a bad idea unless you are willing to completely lose that relationship (which in the case of your sister, is not possible).
But so what if she’s the “MOH” and the other girls are “BM” - these are your friends! Do they really need another title to do the things you might normally do with your MOH? Just talk to them and tell them its unlikely that your sister will be able to organize the parties as she’s far away (AFTER you talk to your sister and make sure she doesn’t already have plans for that). I’m sure your friends will step up for the honors. 
I think you should recruit another BM to step up as MOH. Don’t fire your sister, but add another MOH. Explain to your sister that you know she can’t be as involved in the wedding as other BM’s because she lives so far away. So as a result your other BM’s (name one in specific who you will ask to be the additional MOH) have really stepped up to help, so you would like to ask them to be MOH as well. She can’t really argue with that, and 2 MOH”s is not unheard of. If she gets mad and says that she doesn’t want to be MOH anymore, then you can say that you’re sorry she feels that way, and you hope she isn’t taking it personally, because you still care about her and her role in the wedding, etc. But obviously you can’t force her to continue to be MOH. Hopefully she will just take it in stride and not make a stink about it.
Good luck, I totally feel your pain - I hastily chose a BM who was a great friend, but crappy BM, not only has she not helped, but she has CREATED more work and stress for me. I was going to “fire” her, but realized that doing that would only cause me more stress and pain, and as sad as it sounds, it’s easier to just ignore her at this point.
Also - there’s a reasonably good chance your relationship with your sister will improve over the years, and you might look back and be happy she’s front and center with you in your wedding photos.
i agree with all the commenters trying to steer you away from asking your sister to step down. you can still get all the things you need without taking such a drastic step!
unless, of course, you want to end any chance at having a healthy non-resentful relationship with your sister going forward. why don’t you just talk to her about how her behavior (the butting heads/absence is making you feel?)
or, as suggested above, you could just have the person you’d sub in as MOH pick up the slack without making her MOH. a girlfriend of mine had no MOH at all (the horror!) and still managed to have a shower and a bachelorette party. the rest of us regular old bridesmaids worked together and made it happen.
and, to be sure, i never knew that asking someone to be your MOH was akin to hiring an (unpaid) deputy wedding planner.
I’m also curious to know why you chose her to be MOH.
I have a sister, but she’s a total slacker and not really excited by wedding things, so I chose my close friend to be my MOH and asked my sister to be a bridesmaid, but made it clear that if she was uncomfortable, she didn’t have to be. Well - she took a month to get back to me on whether or not she wanted to be a BM at all - then after we picked out BM dresses, 5 months before the wedding she backed down!
It was pretty awesome. She was impossible for my MOH to get a hold of for input on shower stuff because she could have cared less. I’m glad she made it easy on me and stepped down herself. (ha… “easy” - I was pretty pissed, but at least it allowed me time to ask another friend)
I know a number of you asked why she’s even my MOH if we don’t get along that well, but it’s kind of something she stepped into on her own (not entirely, though) and something that my VERY traditional mother expected of me.
With that said, thanks for all the help, gals! I really like the idea of having one of my other BM to step up into the position of MOH along with my sister.
I was in the same situation- my mom told that my sister was suppose to be my MOH. I DO NOT get along with my sister and never have. My best friend is more like a sister to me as well, so I chose to ask her. My mom and sister were upset at first, but I explained it like this… The MOH is suppose to help the bride remain “stress free” but I think because of our strained relationship, it will cause stress. There were some hurt feelings at first like I said, but it has turned out for the best for all involved! Good Luck what ever you decide!
I Like what Brooke said (#3 above)
My sis is my Matron of Honor from 3,000 miles away… I have a best friend who is my top Bridesmaid, and she and the other bridesmaids are doing the bachelorette party (since they are my close friends). Everyone understands that it is tradition in my family for sisters to have the honor of maid/matron of honor. I am happy to know that this is one of the things that binds our sisterhood, even though we didn’t always see eye to eye growing up.
My sister is somewhat involved in the planning (my neice and nephew are flowergirl/ring bearer), and she has taken it upon herself as MOH to plan a bridal shower in my honor complete with DIY invitations that she will not be able to attend from so far away…
Don’t cause a rift, just ask your best friend to take an active roll… I’m sure that she will be understanding of your situation.
um yeah, that should have been an active ‘role’…
I think that asking her to step down would make an okay situation turn bad. You would be creating more problems than you probably need before the wedding. My advice is to keep her as your MOH and ask your other BM’s if they’re able to help.
Good luck.
I have one sister and she is my MOH b/c it was easier to ask than not. ALL of my friends know what she is like, therefore, they have stepped up and organised my bachelorette and have helped in big and small ways over the past 11 months. All I had to do was ask and make sure no one person was swamped. My wedding is in 11 days, I have just flown home for it and my sister said she will see me at the bachelorette - she has to do laundry on her day off so cannot meet me. She’s family, she gets the title, but I know who my real sisters are. My DH will not honor her by name at his toast and instead thank all my friends. It hurts at times, but accepting the reality of her behaviour moves things forward. It’s fake but it gets me through the planning and reduces conflict (easier on mom too). I’m sure you have good friends who will help you whether they are BM or MOH or unofficial. Titles don’t matter, friendship does. Best of luck!
If I were you, I would not relieve her of her position as MOH. She’s your sister, and that would probably mean more drama than you’re dealing with now.
If you’re really concerned that it’s causing problems between you, I’d say give her a call and tell her that you don’t want your wedding to make your relationship worse, and let her know that she doesn’t have to do anything. Whatever she says, ask your other girlfriends help you out.
My sister is my MOH and is hardly doing any of the expected ‘duties’ that come with wedding planning because she’ll be out of state and then out of the country until very shortly before my wedding (and because she’s completely clueless: she asked me when I was having my bachlorette party).
She’s my MOH because I love her, and because our relationship means a lot to me, even though we drive each other nuts sometimes.
My SIL was my MOH, but since she’s lives out of the country (and isn’t big on weddings anyway), another BM stepped up to do all the work of planning the shower and just generally being interested in wedding things, as well as coming early to help with last-minute things. I knew when I asked my SIL that she wouldn’t be terribly helpful, but she ‘called’ it when she introduced DH to me, and she really loves us both. It was wonderful to have her there and supporting us, even if she was a pain about her dress 6 months earlier. Anyway, for the BM who did all the work, I thanked her profusely and then gave her my bouquet instead of tossing it (it also helps that she’s getting married next summer and I’m one of her BM, so I can truly pay her back). It was a nice and very public way to thank her for all of her work.
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Who would be next in line? Is it someone/bridesmaid that is already helping you a lot?
I’m just thinking that asking her to step down might create more family drama right now that you don’t need 7 mths before your wedding.
I would just have your closes friends help you while she is out of town. Maybe tell her that since she is so far away that you could have a few friends closer to you plan the bachelorette party and shower! She may be stressed about planning these functions too which is rubbing off on you. If you give her some contact people/bridesmaids maybe she will relax a little and also in turn make your life easier!?
I hope it works out!