Weddingbee Blog

My MOH is out of state too but reason I picked her wasn’t because I knew she’d be able to help with everything, it was because she was my “oldest and bestest friend” (big inside joke between the two of us).

I wouldn’t ask her to step down, I’d probably talk to one of my other BMs to help pick up the slack and just know you won’t be giving your sister alot of tasks to work on. Let your sister know because she is busy with school, that you’ll have another BM help out so she isn’t as stressed. She’d probably be thrilled.

To ask her to step down won’t just strain your relationship now, think about the consequences down the line.

My maid of honor is also my best friend of 15 years, and in now way shape or form do I expect her to fulfill her “MOH duties” that a typical MOH would. She is a tomboy, very anti-wedding, unwed herself, the list goes on. And in no way would I EVER hand her a list and say “here. heres what i expect of you. do it.” So because she is not well versed in weddings, I have a feeling that she wont do all those little things that are typically expected of MOHs. But I love her and I cant imagine anyone else being my MOH. However she handles her duties is fine with me. If she doesnt plan my bachelorette, I’ll plan it myself. If she doesnt plan my shower, I’ll have my mom do it. And I wont be bitter about it. Because i thought long and hard about it before i asked her.

There are very few reasons that I feel are acceptable to ask your MOH to step down, especially if your situation has not changed at all. You mentioned that you never got along in the first place…why would you make her your MOH? It doesnt seem right to me that you would ever choose someone that stresses you out so much to be your “right hand woman” at this time in your life. I dont think that you can ask her to step down. You made the mistake of asking her in the first place.

If i were in this situation, I’d just pick up the pieces myself. I’m sure the rest of your bridesmaids would be happy to pick up where your sister left off and help you with all the details pertaining to your wedding. there is no specific rule saying that your shower HAS to be thrown by your MOH. Have your mom throw it for you, or have your other bridesmaids host. Same goes for your bachelorette. If your sister gets fussy on you, then just ALLEVIATE HER of her duties alltogether, and just simply tell her where to show up and when. If she gets there, she gets there. dont worry about it.

Your mistake was made when you asked her to be your MOH in the first place, especially because it seems that you’ve never really had a great relationship to begin with. Now its your duty to pick up where she leaves off, and NOT to alienate your sister because you feel she isnt doing everything you expect her to do. Bridesmaids are your friends and family, they are NOT your work robots. remember to treat them as such!

Let her be a figurehead (MOH title — what does it mean anyway?) but work with others on any “duties.” Would avoid the word “duties” anyway, because it’s supposed to be more of an honorary position. You can hire out the duties or find people who are dying to help (there’s always someone!).

do you have BM’s who can help? if so, just have them help you out. i think they’d understand and would be more than willing to pitch in more than anticipated given the situation. i’m curious why you asked her sister to be your MOH to begin with if you two never got along? good luck!

But why did you ask her to be your MOH in the first place? Was it simply that she is your sister? If so, sounds like a friend or someone else who you feel close to would be better for the MOH role.

Good luck!

Both of my Maids of Honor live in California (I’m in Kansas), have children they raise (my sister is a single mom), and businesses to run. Even with their busy lives, and their far-awayness, we’ve managed to maintain the special bond a bride has with her MOH (or MsOH as the case may be!), and they’ve been ready to answer my questions and help me out via email and phone whenever I’ve really needed them!

Your sister is going back to school, so you won’t be seeing her as often, and that will probably keep you from butting heads so much. (Ask me why I live in Kansas? Because it helps me and my family love each other that much more!) Hang in there…the relationship you guys have will get better, and someday down the line, you will realize how important it was for you to have her there by your side on your wedding day. In the meantime, lean on the BMs that are closer to you, and can help you out when you’re confused about a decision or just need some general support in a pinch. (I’d imagine that your sister will be busy at college, and won’t be ready at the email as quickly as some that are out of college who have a job, etc…) Meleven’s comment was stellar, so give some of that a go, and good luck to you!

If you ask her to step down, it might totally ruin your relationship. She’s your sister–even if you don’t get along all that well, you don’t want that. You might even discover that you’re much closer after the wedding. Think of her as the person who will help you and stand up with you at the wedding, and have your other bridesmaids help you out during the planning when she’s away at college. If she’s away at college anyway, how did you ever expect her to complete the MOH “duties?” Be blunt with your bridesmaids, tell them that you had to make her your MOH because she’s your sister, but since she’s away, you’re going to need their help putting together the shower and bachelorette party.

Good luck. Remember, she’s your sister. Your wedding is a big deal, but it’s still a single event in the long history of your relationship–having someone who can perform those MOH “duties” that I keep hearing about isn’t more important than a good relationship with your sister.

I think you should recruit another BM to step up as MOH. Don’t fire your sister, but add another MOH. Explain to your sister that you know she can’t be as involved in the wedding as other BM’s because she lives so far away. So as a result your other BM’s (name one in specific who you will ask to be the additional MOH) have really stepped up to help, so you would like to ask them to be MOH as well. She can’t really argue with that, and 2 MOH”s is not unheard of. If she gets mad and says that she doesn’t want to be MOH anymore, then you can say that you’re sorry she feels that way, and you hope she isn’t taking it personally, because you still care about her and her role in the wedding, etc. But obviously you can’t force her to continue to be MOH. Hopefully she will just take it in stride and not make a stink about it.

Good luck, I totally feel your pain - I hastily chose a BM who was a great friend, but crappy BM, not only has she not helped, but she has CREATED more work and stress for me. I was going to “fire” her, but realized that doing that would only cause me more stress and pain, and as sad as it sounds, it’s easier to just ignore her at this point.

i agree with all the commenters trying to steer you away from asking your sister to step down. you can still get all the things you need without taking such a drastic step!

unless, of course, you want to end any chance at having a healthy non-resentful relationship with your sister going forward. why don’t you just talk to her about how her behavior (the butting heads/absence is making you feel?)

or, as suggested above, you could just have the person you’d sub in as MOH pick up the slack without making her MOH. a girlfriend of mine had no MOH at all (the horror!) and still managed to have a shower and a bachelorette party. the rest of us regular old bridesmaids worked together and made it happen.

and, to be sure, i never knew that asking someone to be your MOH was akin to hiring an (unpaid) deputy wedding planner.

I know a number of you asked why she’s even my MOH if we don’t get along that well, but it’s kind of something she stepped into on her own (not entirely, though) and something that my VERY traditional mother expected of me.

With that said, thanks for all the help, gals! I really like the idea of having one of my other BM to step up into the position of MOH along with my sister.