Wedding Blog

Keep planning. There is never going to be a time where there isn’t something going on in your left that isn’t going to affect how you feel about the wedding. It is one of those little known facts that no one talks about. It isn’t all flowers and happy love…life. happens. and you have to keep going. Focus on the happiness of the occasion. Maybe your future MIL would be interested in helping make the decisions you think your fiance could care less about. Just keep truckin’ and don’t let anyone tell you that you should wait for the perfect moment to do the planning…because you will wait forever for that moment to happen.

I’m so sorry to hear about your FMIL. However, if your FI has asked you to continue, I would respect his wishes. It may actually help for the family to be able to focus on a brighter event in the face of such a struggle. His mother probably feels terrible physically, and including her in the plans and helping her keep her mind on the happiness of her son could bring strength to her. Best wishes to you and your family. I hope your day is beautiful and filled with love.

Thughts and prayers are with your family and FMIL. I agree with the previous posts - keep planning the wedding. It may lift her spirits and give her something to look forward to while she’s going through this very difficult time.

My doctor had the same situation where her father starting deteriorating quickly after his cancer returned, and they were scheduled to get married 8 months later. They made the decision to have a small ceremony with just family approximately 6 months before the “wedding” date so that her father could walk her down the aisle and be present. Sadly, he died soon after that ceremony, but they went on with the larger more formal wedding as a ‘renewal of the vows’ which was what her father wanted. She wears two wedding bands signifying both of her weddings.

I think that if her health goes downwards quickly, this could be an option for you - and you could still have the larger more formal event (and keep planning) but if its very important to you and your FI to have her there, have a small ceremony when her health requires it.

Have you explained to your FI everything you just explained here on Weddingbee? I’m sure he would try to become more accomodating when he understands how you feel and give you some input (not just into wedding planning but about the decision as a whole to keep planning). I also think it’s a good idea to include your FMIL. It will keep her mind off being sick and give her a happy occassion to look forward to.

Hope everything turns out for the best.

i agree w/ andrea (#4). having something else besides the illness to think about will do wonders for your, FI and FMIL. just be prepared that your FI will be limited in how much he can participant in the planning process w/ all that’s going on. but since he told you to proceed, you should do so w/o feeling quilty or bad in any way. best wishes.

SL, I am so sorry to hear of your FMIL’s illness. My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

I had a somewhat similar situation myself when planning my wedding. I was very close with my grandfather- he and my grandma helped my mom raise my brother and I, so he was very much like a father on a day-to-day basis. He became very ill while we were planning our wedding. I had a very similar thought process as you seem to have- I couldn’t bear to go dress shopping while my grandpa was in ICU. I felt very guilty when I did finally go shopping (apparently just in time to get the dress by the wedding). I held off on a lot of the planning. I did a few things while he was ill, however… While spending time with him at the hospital, I worked on our pew decorations. I remember showing them to him, and him lighting up. He loved them!

My grandpa died 3.5 months before our wedding. It was the hardest time I have ever been through and it was tremendously difficult not to have him at the wedding. However, I was so happy that I had been able to share a little bit of the planning process with him because it seemed to make him so happy, and it made it feel more like he was there on our wedding day.

My suggestion would be to go ahead and keep planning what you can. Plan the things that need to get done in advance, and ask for your FMIL’s input- I’m sure she would love to be involved with planning such a wonderful event.

aww, this is so hard… i was called to plan a very quick engagement because both the bride and groom’s parents had operations or illnesses like yours. we were able to plan their dream wedding in 4 months with 175 guests and it was wonderful. like everyone’s suggestions above, i’d say continue planning and consider planning a smaller occasion in order to have your fmil there. if you’d prefer for the wedding to not take over your lives so that you and your FI can spend more time with family and his mom, just hire someone to do the gruntwork. i think spending the most time with his family and mom is definitely a bigger priority at this time. but definitely don’t delay it. good luck and i hope your fmil gets better!

Keep planning. 100%. I agree with others who suggested a smaller more intimate “1st wedding” to ensure that she is able to attend. Tiffany’s post about her dr brought tears to my eyes - 2 wedding bands, that is so sweet. Have you tried talking to her about it? What is her preference?

This has struck such a chord with me, a week after my fiance and I announced our engagement my Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. At first we had no idea how long she had and I fell apart. I knew that for me, next to my fiance the most important person at my wedding was my Mom. I didn’t care if we had to have the wedding in her hospital room I was going to have my Mother with me.
After the initial shock we decided to plan the wedding in 6 months and hope for the best. My family and friends have rallied around me and helped me plan everything. In many ways my Mother’s cancer has put the wedding in perspective and focused me on the important details. I don’t stress about envelope liners and monogrammed cocktail napkins because I know that’s not what I’m going to care about 20 years from now.
I agree with the other posters that mentioned wedding planning could be positive for her. Many of my friends and family joke that my Mother is sticking around just for the wedding. In fact they want me to get pregnant so she’ll keep fighting for another 9 months.
I am blessed to have a very stubborn Mother so far she has defied the odds and is doing well, but if her cancer continues to be aggressive we will have a small ceremony and a large renewal of vows later.
My fiance’s love, concern and support has meant the world to me as we have been forced to make these difficult decisions. I’m sure you’re FI appreciates you’re thoughtfulness.
You have my heartfelt empathy, my thoughts are with you.

I agree with above posts about keeping the planning going and involving your FMIL in the process if possible. However, this is also a good time to not get wrapped up in the small details. Keep your focus on the event being a celebration of your love for each other and remember that after it’s all said and done the only thing that will matter is that she saw you guys commit yourselves to one another. When her time comes to go, I promise you she won’t remember the napkins, decorations, etc., but how happy her son was and that she’s leaving him in someone’s hands who loves him very much. Best of luck to you!

keep planning! her son being happy will keep her going. plus, this might keep things in perspective (like who cares if your theme isn’t executed exactly perfectly when you have all of your loved ones around!)

I’m going to echo everyone else here and say keep planning and involve your FMIL.

But I would seriously consider hiring a wedding planner so if things get stressful with the medical situation close to the date then you don’t have to worry about wedding details.

I definitely agree with the folks suggesting you involve her in the planning. My mom and her sister were both diagnosed with their last cancers around the same time, and I truly believe that my aunt’s positive attitude and looking toward the future both prolonged her life and and improved its quality.

What a delicate situation… you poor thing. I definitely think that you must proceed with the planning/wedding. postponing will not help the situation. The hard part is going to be dealing with the stress and overall curve balls that are prevelant in the planning process.

Try to keep perspective so as not to burden your fiance, as this illness is probably a lot of weight on his shoulders. This will be a good lesson of “standing in someone elses shoes”

Be strong bride-to-be, everyone is counting on you.

BEST WISHES

I’m really so sorry to hear about your FMIL’s illness. This is really weird for me because I have just lost my mother a week ago. She had been ill for over a year. She had surgery and was on some very strong experimental medications. And the past month, things got worse quite quickly. My wedding is in less than 7 weeks. And people ask if I plan to delay things. And although it hurts so much to think of that day without her, I do not plan to change anything. Because I don’t think she would have wanted that. She urged me shortly after we got engaged to speed up the wedding planning process. So that’s why we are getting married this year. And I have regrets for not making it happen sooner. But what can you do? We cannot predict life. You must just deal with it.
I am so grateful to have my FI to help console me. I am the oldest child of three and have been spending most of my energy taking care of my father and two brothers. When I am with my FI, I can let it all out. And if you’re worried that you are being silly with all these wedding details, realize that I am in the situation of both your FI and you. I have to still pick out wedding programs and such. Maybe it will not be with the same fervor but I know it has to get done. My mom would not have liked it any other way. I’m sure your FMIL feels the same way. She must you love you two so much. Be strong for your FI, your FMIL and most importantly for yourself.

I’m sorry if I’m rambling. Good luck!

Keep planning… it will make it easier on all of you. My FIs father passed away about 10 years ago and one thing that he constantly says is that he wishes his dad could have been her to be a part of everything. I know that it’s a hard thing to do because it seems selfish planning something for yourself when someone so close to you is sick, but you dont want your FI to, 10 years down the line, to say that he wishes his mother could have been there. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do in this situation, I had never even met his father, but you can have your wedding and include her in the process, at least you will create good memories. — Best of luck!

I am so very sorry to hear about your FMIL. It is truly a struggle and difficult situation and I understand completely.

2 years ago, my FI’s father passed away from cancer. It was an unbelievably difficult time and it was pure torture watching him suffer and watching my FI struggle through the anguish of it all. Truly a life changing event.

But, I can tell you this. I absolutely know that if we were in your position at the time, FI’s father absolutely would have wanted us to proceed with the wedding planning - for two reasons: 1- so, God willing, he could be there to see us get married, and 2 - he would never want to interupt our lives. I bet your FMIL feels the same way.

Yes, the flowers, invitations and bm dresses are all trivial when you are dealing with life and death issues. But, they are fun and enjoyable things to do. It really might be nice for your FMIL to hear about these things since all anyone is going to ask her for the rest of her life is “how are you feeling” and since so much of her life will be consumed with medication and making plans for dying. This will give her a sense of normalcy and, in my opinion, she will appreciate being able to see her son move to this next phase of his life with you.

I really think that you should proceed. Give your FI a break on the wedding stuff and take over with the planning. He will not have ability to deal with it. But, it will be a nice break for both him and FMIL to hear about the plans. Just don’t expect him to do anything… you need to be a good sport about this, trust me. I wasn’t always such a good sport and it haunts me now.

Good luck to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your FMIL. It’s a tough road. Hang in there.

Rebecca’s Post is one you should really take to heart! Everyone’s advice here is VERY important. The wedding is just a very small part…..the marriage is the important part, and I think that is so important for her to see her son and the love of his life be married. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

iSn’t it more important that she’s there? I would plan and hope that she can attend or simplify the wedding plans so she can be there.

I’m also in a similar situation- my FMIL was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer shortly after we got engaged. Our wedding is in 3 weeks and she hasn’t been doing so well for a while… to be honest, it’s been rough on both my fiance (he’s been seeing a therapist, which has been good) and I to try to do wedding planning while trying to deal with her illness and the fact that she won’t be around much longer, but it’s totally worth it to us to know that she’ll be with us for the wedding- we wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Unlike a lot of other people, we’re actually having a pretty big wedding- ~150 people. My fiance’s family is really big and really close, and this will probably be the last time a lot of his relatives will get to spend time with his mom- we, and she, know that it will probably be something of a strain on her to have so much family there, but she’s said that she wants it like this, and lots of her (and his dad’s) old friends from college and grad school, etc. are also coming to see them- I think she sees this as something of a chance to see people that she hasn’t seen for a long time once last time, and is really looking forward to it.
We’re really lucky in that both of our parents are quite financially comfortable, so we’re paying people to take care of a lot of the little details around our wedding that would otherwise probably cause us a lot of stress and headaches. We figure it’ll give us more time with family and friends, and it’s worth it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your FMIL’s diagnosis. Earlier this year my own mother was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and it’s been one of the most difficult things to deal with.

Getting engaged was also one of the happiest things I’ve gone through, along with my family. I think there is a natural balance to be maintained and it sounds like you’re insightful enough to walk that line. My suggestion would be everything in its own place and time regarding the planning. If she feels up to participating or even listening, then that’s great. I’m sure you are sensitive to your FMIL’s feelings and your fiance’s feelings as they fluctuate throughout a day or week, as I’ve learned to do w/ my mom. She and I are actually going to make my veil, which will be very special to me to wear. Maybe you could do a small but special project like that with your FMIL? It’s such an incredibly difficult thing to deal with.. I wish you all the best.