Wedding Blog
My name is Mrs. Pearl and I am a baby stalker.
That is my husband’s (eeeee, just getting used to saying that!) term of endearment for me regarding my absolute infatuation with babies. I love ’em. They smell great — like baby powder, milk, and sweetness. They’re soft. They’re adorable. I can pretty much find a baby in any crowd and make eyes with them the whole time.
Babystalker.
Don’t get me wrong — I know that babies aren’t always fun and games. I used to really not want to have children and if I did, not for years and years. Over the last year, Mr. Pearl and I have talked a bunch about having a baby. It was fun when it was what we would talk about — how our biracial baby would be super cute with the potential for green eyes, how our baby would be so smart, how it would be bilingual.
Now that we’re married, we’ve been absolutely bombarded with questions about when we’re going to have a baby. To put it in perspective, our wedding ceremony ended at about 6:00PM. We had the first person clamoring for a baby around 8:45! Since then, I’ve had aunts, siblings, family friends, and everyone in between asking when we’re having a baby. We’ve only been married for 9 days, people!!
I had people warn me of this phenomenon, but I didn’t realize it was so pervasive. At first I thought it was strange (and to some extent, I still think it is strange to question people about their reproductive choices), but I’ve come to realize that people are just so happy to see couples in love that they figure the logical extension is babymaking. No kids for us any time soon, but nothing wrong with getting some practice. 
|
Share this post: “So When Are You Having Babies?”
There was a great thread on Ask Mefi about this phenomenon. (http://ask.metafilter.com/46353/Good-answer-for-the-question-When-are-you-going-to-have-children)
I really hated the “When are you going to get married?” question, but I dread the day I hear, “So when are you going to have children?” And I hope for the sake of whoever asks that I am in a good mood that day.
The same has been happening to us too! It started while we were engaged… my mom kept asking when we were going to have a baby -she has even been buying baby clothes and my fiance’s mom has been buying disney movies since we began dating. It’s even worse now that we are married (celebrating our 1 month anniversary today)! We are only 23! I keep reminding them that we aren’t having babies for a few years but it does nothing to deter them!
I think it’s pretty insensitive of people when they ask “when are you going to have children?” — as if you can just snap your fingers and decide to be pregnant! What if the couple in question has been trying and trying but are having trouble getting pregnant? It must break their hearts to have to answer such questions. I think it’s no one’s business, and once people start asking me (because I’m sure they will once we’re married), my diplomatic answer will be “when we’re good and ready, thankyouverymuch.”
I agree with Brooke and Mrs. Pearl - it’s weird to ask about this. Of course, people all the time ask “So when are you getting engaged/married?” so perhaps this is just a logical extension to them. But all are basically none of their business!
ps. asking “So when are you having babies?” assumes that you a) would like to reproduce b) are able to.
we’re already getting that question and we aren’t even married yet. We tell them: “when God thinks we’re ready, he’ll bless us with a child.” I know, god does not equal stork and I’m not five, but heck, not one person has questioned it yet…
There was a fabulous piece in Nesweek about this subject recently:
Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock
we’ve been married 2 1/2 years… i think that’s how people greet us now, “so when are you having babies?” 
I find this question insensitive. I doubt people who ask it really want the truth: “I’ve always dreamed of having kids, but my husband has health issues that affect his fertility so we won’t be able to. We’ve looked into adoption but unfortunately those same health issues pretty much disqualify us from being candidates as adoptive parents. I’m pretty devastated by all of this because I really really want kids. Seeing your beautiful children tears me up inside.”
Yet, I’m tempted to answer this way, because they asked, so they must want to know right? And maybe they should realize the pain that nosy questions like this can cause. I’m not trying to be obnoxious here; I realize people don’t have malicious intentions when they ask these things. But it still is a bit insensitive. I just really want to know what to do in these situations… give that painfully honest answer? Choke back tears and make an excuse to get away? It might be awhile before I accept the whole situation and can temper my emotions better…. :-/
Miss Manners had an answer here to inappropriate asking about when you will marry. I think it also applies to having children. Her answer:
Miss Manners acknowledges that proper etiquette prohibits strangers from asking such an intimate question. She believes it so very intimate a question that even your relatives should restrain themselves. About once a decade should be about right for your parents or grandparents to take you aside and ask you privately. Even then, you may point out how superfluous such probing is by replying politely, “When I have something to announce, you will be the first to hear it.”
http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/m/martin-manners.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
i too am a baby stalker!! i love all things babies.
My wedding was this weekend, and when DH and I opened the card from his paternal grandparents, we found both a check and a newspaper photo clipping inside. The photo was of the woman with the 17 kids who’s been in the news lately and he (DH’s grandfather) had written in, “Will this be Aliya in 20 years?” SICK.
Mrs. Pearl!!! I’ve been married for almost two weeks now and starting from the reception we’ve been asked that too. haha Maybe whenever we bees get preggers we’ll have a baby site too. Love reading your posts and CONGRATS!
Maybe I am a bit old-school but that’s a pretty invasive question to ask people. Generally, no one in my family would ask and if someone did, you bet that someone will say that it’s inappropiate. Luckily, both our families are too awkward to pose that question to us.
I found the question of “when are you going to get married?” invasive…and then come the baby questions!
My aunt and uncle have two daughters…and uncle said to me recently, “when are you going to have one of these!? [baby in hands] Can you just have one so I can borrow it once in a while?!?” I love my uncle and appreciate that he loves kids, and I knew he was mostly joking…but dude, you have your own daughters who aren’t married…harrass them about weddings and babies for a while! NOT me!?!?
I did have a family friend ask me nicely and privately, and prefaced it with, “this may be none of my business, but will you guys be having kids?” That may still be invastive to some, but I appreciated that 1) she acknowledged that it was none of her business, and 2) asked IF we were having kids, not when. So, I answered!
I get baby fever as much as the next gal, but the questions are uncomfortable and weird. Quite honestly, Patrick and I would love to have kids (God willing) but there’s other personal items (like buying a house and being us for a few months) that we want in order, first.
This is the number one reason I’ve been shying away from The Nest (the married woman’s Knot)–there are lots of mommy signatures–pics of a birthday cake table set-up from the party of the knottie’s daughter, glamour shots of the kid with the tag, “So-and-so, mommy to blah-d-blah.” My favorite was yesterday, when I saw, “hoping to be a 2008 mommy!”–what, not even conceived yet and a siggy dedicated to your hopeful future maybe child?!?!?
I really want kids…I really, really do. But, when I let the fact that I’m a mom be my sole identity and all that I’m about–I want someone to slap me! There are things I love to do and people I love just as much (including my husband!) who will appreciate if every word out of my mouth isn’t about the kiddies.
Wsukarebear: that’s exactly how Mr. Pearl and I are. We want to be able to buy a house, travel a little, and have some time to be married and alone and happy together before we have kids.
I hope and pray that one day we’ll be able to have kids. However, I hope that we don’t have to keep justifying our decision to wait and not conceive 3.2 seconds after the wedding (if we’re able to at all). If it ever gets to the point when we get grilled about having kids (versus the one question), I don’t know if I can be so magnanimous!
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Pearl, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 26, High school history teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 37, Software engineer
Engagement Date: No official date, we just decided :-)
Wedding Date: July 2007
Venue: St. Anthony's Greek Orthodox Church, Ritz Carlton Huntington Hotel
About Me: Mr. Pearl and I have been together for about four and a half years now. We've been "engaged" since 2004 and were originally supposed to get married in June 2006, but postponed the wedding to July 2007. I love shopping for housewares and office supplies, music, reading chick lit, football, and the diverse world of Los Angeles dining.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics