Wedding Blog
I am still on the high from my wedding. What an amazing event we threw! I couldn’t have asked for much more, as it was everything I imagined. But we’re about 11 days out and something has been bothering me ever since the wedding.
My family.
My immediate family was present at the wedding. I totally loved and appreciated not only their attendance, but their help on the day of the event. Mother-of-Pearl can be really fabulous and she was so clutch on the wedding day that I don’t know if I could really thank her. Beyond my immediate family, it was such a disappointment. My maternal grandmother attended, as did my paternal uncles. Otherwise, none of M-o-P’s four sisters or their families attended. What’s even worse is that one family didn’t bother to RSVP at all! And beyond that, not one of those sisters or their families have contacted me since the wedding to say congratulations or good luck or anything. What chapped my ass was that my cousin, who is getting married at the end of October, sent out his invitations around mid-July…and hadn’t bothered to RSVP to my wedding himself.
I can’t help but think that I will end up resenting those family members for not being there for us at all. I can understand not being able to attend — after all, stuff happens (and it’s better to give me a definitive “no” than say yes and not make it). I don’t know…am I being unreasonable here? Is it outrageous of me to expect my family to spend the 2 minutes on an email or phone call to say congratulations?
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I’m in the same boat as you are.. sort of. My wedding is in a few weeks and my mother’s only sister isn’t coming. Never officially responded either. Her husband said he’s coming with their two adult children but she will be staying home.. because of.. their dogs. I feel so touched that her dogs mean more to her than my FI and I do.
I think that’s awful, and you’re not at all unreasonable. It’s understandable you’re hurt… Hopefully they will pick up the pace and you can mend the relationships before it builds and builds.
Congratulations 
that sucks. sorry to hear this. yeah, the least they can do is pick up a phone and say congrats. its just a phone call! geez…
hi mrs. pearl,
congratulations!
no, I dont’ think you are being unreasonable. I would absolutely feel the same way. However, I would just focus on the people who were there for you and cherish that. You wouldn’t want a bunch of ppl there who didn’t really care/want to be there anyway. But I understand your disappointment in them.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. It’s proper to expect your family to atleast say congrats- via phone, email, smail mail, message in a bottle- whatever if they can not make it. I also think it is kind of shallow that they did not even give a definative no. Try not be resentful though- it will only bring you down! Just enjoy the new life you have ahead of you!
“chaps my ass” is just about my fav!!!! i love it. and dont let them upset you!
I am Hispanic and this is totally something my family does. In this case, I am keeping our wedding small & only immediate family/good friends are invited, but at my sister’s wedding, several of them showed up w/o having bothered to RSVP & brought extra people! Worse, they bought her gifts not on her registry! But I digress…
I don’t think they have given their actions any thought at all. People can be lazy and don’t think about how that affects you. You have every right to be pissed, but try to let it go. They have no idea their clueless behavior has upset you and they would probably act shocked if you said anything. It’s not worth it. That being said, I totally understand how you feel.
It’s not unreasonable to be disappointed with the relatives but like Miss Emerald mentioned above, focus on those who were there for you. Not sure if this is the case for you but I realized a few years ago that you don’t need to like OR respect who you are related to. I wouldn’t spend any time on people who disrepect you that way because every moment spent on them is one moment not spent on those who do care about you. They are obviously not sitting around worried about whether they have hurt your feelings or not so why waste any more of YOUR time focusing on it. Remember, you can’t always control what’s happening around you but can always control your reaction to it.
Sounds familiar.
6 months later and still no card or congrats from some people. My husband and I recently attended a family reunion (where he met a lot of my relatives for the first time) and still no congrats. It’s been “so long” that they’ve forgotten (so I guess I need to now, too). Mom predicted some of the no-card/no-gift invited guests would bring a card/gift to the reunion (i.e., to avoid mailing cost/trouble), but nope. For example, I’m really conscientious about sending people birthday cards but only seem to get a few in return, so I guess at least they are consistent!
It’s easy to take it personally but the truth is that most people are self-absorbed. (And we have to let this stuff go before we become one of them!)
Agree w/ posters above — let your memories be filled with all the people who were there and who were generous in their good wishes to you and your husband.
TOTALLY
I don’t blame you
Its the biggest event of your life, and its hard to forget that they weren’t there, I have a similar situation myself
I think it kind of depends on how much contact you have with these people in your usual life. If they never call you or email you for any other reason (and you never call or email them), why would they do so now? Heck, when they got your invitations, they may have thought, “Why is she inviting me? I never hear from her otherwise.” They may have thought that you invited them so they’d give you a present.
On the other hand, if you hear from them fairly often, or only when they want something from you, then I’d be annoyed too.
Regardless, I agree with above comments: focus on the people who were there for you, and forget the people who weren’t. And next time they call asking to borrow the lawnmower, tell them it’s broken.
You aren’t alone. Just by reading some of the responses, it’s obvious that many of us feel the same. Family is important to me and it is upsetting to me to see so many people take family for granted or not value them at all.
We had a lot of people not RSVP. I couldn’t believe it. And THEY were the people you wouldn’t think would do it.
Keep your chin up! Don’t worry about those folks who didn’t make it a priorty. I wouldn’t cut them of, but I would kill them with kindness. A kind act can never be a bad thing.
Good luck!
Ugh I feel your pain. It didn’t bother me that none of my mom’s extended family came to my wedding…we’re not super close and it was a far-flung DW. But geez, no one could bother to RSVP or even send us a card?! They were equally disappointing with their lack of support when my father passed away last year. I guess I shouldn’t have expected much!
I would be angry too, for sure. But, there’s nothing you can do about it, so you might as well move along and focus on the people who take the time to let you know they care.
Wow, that sucks, I’m sorry Mrs. Pearl. But I agree with Nopinkertons. Have you always had a relationship like this with those relatives? Or is this out of their character? If it was kind of weird for them to be like this, I’d be pretty miffed, but if they’ve always been like this, I would just let it go. Plus you should be on newlywed euphoria right now anyway!
Congrats again!
Nopinkertons and L: My family was pretty tightly knit (extended and immediate) until about 6 months ago when there were some rifts between the sisters (my mom and aunts). They’re kind of spread out along the West Coast, so I see my extended family at holidays and we communicate via email occasionally. I communicate with my cousin and his fiancee through Myspace and we keep in touch that way. So yeah, it’s pretty out of character.
I am definitely so happy with my my new marriage and totally love and appreciate everyone who took the time out to come to the wedding or send their well wishes. It just kind of hurts that people who I’ve been close to have let the occasion slide by as if nothing happened that day.
Ugh. I am having these fears for my wedding - my family is pretty splintered and I am terrified that no one will come because they don’t want to deal with it. FUN!!
The bottom line is that people are selfish and lazy. Don’t take it personally; it’s got nothing to do with you…
This stuff is so hard. I am planning my wedding and was prepared for my family’s antics by witnessing my sister’s recent wedding: She married in our hometown and our some family members told her they would come and never showed up. They couldnt make the drive across town apparently. A few thousand down the drain. No call, no card,etc… Sometimes it’s hard to believe that you are actually related to savages. All joking aside, people have varying levels of manners, but in the end I dont think their rudeness should be interpreted as ill will. Try to let it go– whether they have it in them to wish you well is unrelated to the success of your marriage. Congrats!!
I predict that I will be in the same boat - one side of my family is very close, plans family events, makes occasional phone calls to keep in touch, and considers how others will interpret their actions, making sure to act in a socially-appropriate way. The other side doesn’t even respond to email. The good thing is, if they don’t RSVP, they also wouldn’t show up - it would be too much trouble. I’ve already decided not to hold it against them if it happens, but if they didn’t even call or send a card, yeah, that would hurt.
[...] in August, I blogged about my family’s strange disinterest in my wedding, including my cousin, who didn’t RSVP, but [...]
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Mrs. Pearl, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 26, High school history teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 37, Software engineer
Engagement Date: No official date, we just decided :-)
Wedding Date: July 2007
Venue: St. Anthony's Greek Orthodox Church, Ritz Carlton Huntington Hotel
About Me: Mr. Pearl and I have been together for about four and a half years now. We've been "engaged" since 2004 and were originally supposed to get married in June 2006, but postponed the wedding to July 2007. I love shopping for housewares and office supplies, music, reading chick lit, football, and the diverse world of Los Angeles dining.
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