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I need help/thoughts on how to tell our guests that gifts are not expected. My fiance and I are so happy that nearly everyone is able to come to our wedding - over half of our guests are flying across the country for the weekend. We were told by people that we would have to have some sort of a registry, so we did create a modest one for people who really wanted to give a gift. However, we’ve been trying to tell folks that their presence at our wedding is a gift to us, and that we aren’t expecting gifts. It all feels so contradictory (we have this registry for those who want to give a gift yet we are saying something else).
Has anyone had to deal with this? How do you get your message across graciously?
keh
congratulations on your impending wedding 
imo, if i were a guest, i’d be somewhat confused because it does seem contradictory that you say you do not expect gifts yet have a registry. is it too late to close the registry? is it too ungracious to say you don’t “want” gifts instead of you don’t expect them?
If someone absolutely insists on giving you a gift, there’s nothing you can do about it. However, you might consider setting up a charity registry that people could donate to in your honor.
i know for our engagement party, i put on the invitation, “your presence is the greatest gift we could receive, no need to bring anything else!” maybe you can re-word it to make it a little more formal for the invitations…
The charity registry is a great idea. Otherwise, if anyone asked where you were registered, simply tell them you didn’t register anywhere because you don’t want gifts. If someone is dead set on giving you something, they’ll go shopping on their own.
We’re in the same situation. It’s a semi-destination wedding, with most of our guests traveling, so we’re not expecting gifts either (as much as I would like to get them . . . ). We haven’t figured out how we’re handling it yet, either. I’ll be watching the comments on this one!
I have the exact same problem. We’ve explicitly said no gifts. However, my Mom pressured us into registering for a few things right before our (family-oriented) wedding shower because people didn’t know what to give us. So, now we have leftover items on that registry some people know about (those who attended the wedding shower), but otherwise it’s “no gifts please.” Others may disagree, but my take is that if your parents want to verbally spread the word about a small registry or other things you may need to relatives that insist on giving a gift, it’s out of your hands. We’re trying to send the most consistent message possible by stating “NO GIFTS” on our wedding web page. I think it’s a difficult thing for some brides to understand (esp. those who aren’t dealing with the trickiness of the no gifts situation) but you can’t control everything. I know for a fact that we’re still going to receive gifts at our wedding. If some guests are confused by why we’re receiving gifts when we specifically said “no gfits”, there’s not a lot I can do to explain that…
While I totally understand where you’re coming from, I just think it’s kind of tough for guests because we’re all had it ingrained in us from a young age that it’s rude not to get a gift. So I think no matter how you feel about it and what you say, many if not most people will get you a gift anyway because they feel like they want to or they’ll feel guilty if they don’t. There’s not much you can do about that, but asking for donations to your favourite charity in lieu of a gift would be a nice way to answer the question.
Thanks for the thoughts so far! In hindsight, I think what we should have done is stand our ground when family / close friends said to us “you *have* to put together a registry, otherwise you’re going to get a lot of random things because people are going to want to give you something.” So we acquiesced and put together a very modest registry (all everyday dishes) so that those who really do want to give us a gift and those who can’t make it to the wedding would have something to guide them. But we put the word out to the family / friends that our wish was that everyone’s presence at the wedding was a gift to us. So I guess the lesson learned (here ya go Impatience! :)) is expect lots of resistance to your decision of no gifts but stick to what you want to do. I think you’ll still end up with an assortment of gifts but at least the stress of dealing with the gifts will be after the wedding…not two weeks before!
We are having a destination wedding and feel the same way about the expense of the distance and gifts. However, people at work and some friends who aren’t going were really insistent, even though they knew they were not invited and we were keeping it really small. I was actually surprised by how many people were insistent upon a way to give us gifts..very sweet!
To avoid getting stuff we don’t need or would have to return, we set up a donation with our favorite charity, as well as a honeymoon contribution site. We left the honeymoon site really simple, since we don’t really want people to contribute to this, but it gives them a chance to feel like they are wishing us well in their own way if they want to. We
Yeah, I agree with the charity idea.
You are me about a year ago. Click on my name to go to our website, then look at the last question of the FAQ, “Where are you guys registered?”
We ended up getting mostly donations, a few things from the registries, and a few things out of the clear blue. But most important, as far as I’m concerned, is my relatives who really scrimped and saved to get to the wedding at all felt okay with the idea of not getting us gifts on top of that…because we made it clear that we were okay with it.
I once read about a couple who asked for gift cards to Toys R Us. After the wedding or part of it, the couple went toy shopping and donated all the toys to a local charity.
I think some people are going to buy you something regardless.
You can develop a nice line like “Oh, you know that sentimental gifts are the kind that mean the most to us!” which doesn’t reject those who feel it’s important to give a thoughtfully chosen meaningful gift and also isn’t fishing for high dollar value gifts (but leaves room for the giver’s interpretation of what’s considered sentimental). There’s always somebody sweet or generous who wants to make something, or pass down a family heirloom, or provide a gift certificate for the couple to enjoy on their honeymoon. And it would be nice to have those kind of keepsake/memory gifts. Some people have a hard time expressing how they feel but like to show they care by giving you something, so it’s nice to leave that possibility open for those who like to give a wedding gift.
Not that this may matter to you, because everyone adheres to traditional etiquette guideliness differently, but saying “no gifts” or establishing a charity registry I think is technically poor etiquette.
The reaon is because there’s no real appropriate way of telling someone not to bring a gift. There are also some etiquette guidelines that say you can’t spend other people’s money, even for a good cause — this apparently applies to weddings and birthdays. I don’t know if this would apply for charity registries, but the sentiment could be the same.
Anyway — I’m so not trying to be a lame etiquette nerd — these are just some things I’ve read recently — although they’re probably not much help ;o)
I think telling people who want to buy something off your registry that you’re registered is fine, but you’re not required to really spread the word. We did this for our e-party. Obviously presents aren’t expected or even traditional for an engagement, but FI’s family really wanted us to register. So we did a very small registry and only told them about it. Made everyone happy ;o)
I’m facing this dilemma as well for my DW. I think guests listen to messages better when they’re delivered in a humorous-yet-airtight-logical way.
Maybe you can take more control of it by writing, “no gifts because blah blah blah, but if you really must, you can ask our parents/our MOH and BM for the registry.” Then you have another chance to directly convince the would-be giver to not get you anything by scripting the registry keepers with anti-gift messaging, and it wouldn’t be direct conflict with you.
Another destination bride here. Inquiring guests will be asked to bring/send only their well-wishes, with the explanation that we are moving soon and want to get rid of as much as possible. Some well-meaning people may just HAVE to give something, which is fine, but they are going to have to come up with it on their own!
I’ll add myself to the DW brides. You can click on the name link and see what we did. Basically, we told people that we don’t need gifts, but if they really wanted to, they could donate to Heifer International. If they wanted to give something to us, then they could pick from our honeymoon registry. I part time at Sur La Table and get 40% for my discount there, we don’t need stuff. =)
If I got an invitation that said “no gifts”, no matter how nicely, I’d probably either give money, a gift card, or make something. No way I’d go empty handed…
Sorry, not much help, but that’s my take on it.
I think it’s very nice of you to not expect gifts, though!
I saw an invitation for a couple that said at the bottom “your presence is your gift.” I thought it was really classy!
Good luck, have a great wedding!
-Rebecca
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