Weddingbee

congratulations on your impending wedding imo, if i were a guest, i’d be somewhat confused because it does seem contradictory that you say you do not expect gifts yet have a registry. is it too late to close the registry? is it too ungracious to say you don’t “want” gifts instead of you don’t expect them?

i know for our engagement party, i put on the invitation, “your presence is the greatest gift we could receive, no need to bring anything else!” maybe you can re-word it to make it a little more formal for the invitations…

We’re in the same situation. It’s a semi-destination wedding, with most of our guests traveling, so we’re not expecting gifts either (as much as I would like to get them . . . ). We haven’t figured out how we’re handling it yet, either. I’ll be watching the comments on this one!

While I totally understand where you’re coming from, I just think it’s kind of tough for guests because we’re all had it ingrained in us from a young age that it’s rude not to get a gift. So I think no matter how you feel about it and what you say, many if not most people will get you a gift anyway because they feel like they want to or they’ll feel guilty if they don’t. There’s not much you can do about that, but asking for donations to your favourite charity in lieu of a gift would be a nice way to answer the question.

Thanks for the thoughts so far! In hindsight, I think what we should have done is stand our ground when family / close friends said to us “you *have* to put together a registry, otherwise you’re going to get a lot of random things because people are going to want to give you something.” So we acquiesced and put together a very modest registry (all everyday dishes) so that those who really do want to give us a gift and those who can’t make it to the wedding would have something to guide them. But we put the word out to the family / friends that our wish was that everyone’s presence at the wedding was a gift to us. So I guess the lesson learned (here ya go Impatience! :)) is expect lots of resistance to your decision of no gifts but stick to what you want to do. I think you’ll still end up with an assortment of gifts but at least the stress of dealing with the gifts will be after the wedding…not two weeks before!

Yeah, I agree with the charity idea.

I once read about a couple who asked for gift cards to Toys R Us. After the wedding or part of it, the couple went toy shopping and donated all the toys to a local charity.

I think some people are going to buy you something regardless.

Not that this may matter to you, because everyone adheres to traditional etiquette guideliness differently, but saying “no gifts” or establishing a charity registry I think is technically poor etiquette.

The reaon is because there’s no real appropriate way of telling someone not to bring a gift. There are also some etiquette guidelines that say you can’t spend other people’s money, even for a good cause — this apparently applies to weddings and birthdays. I don’t know if this would apply for charity registries, but the sentiment could be the same.

Anyway — I’m so not trying to be a lame etiquette nerd — these are just some things I’ve read recently — although they’re probably not much help ;o)

I think telling people who want to buy something off your registry that you’re registered is fine, but you’re not required to really spread the word. We did this for our e-party. Obviously presents aren’t expected or even traditional for an engagement, but FI’s family really wanted us to register. So we did a very small registry and only told them about it. Made everyone happy ;o)

Another destination bride here. Inquiring guests will be asked to bring/send only their well-wishes, with the explanation that we are moving soon and want to get rid of as much as possible. Some well-meaning people may just HAVE to give something, which is fine, but they are going to have to come up with it on their own!

If I got an invitation that said “no gifts”, no matter how nicely, I’d probably either give money, a gift card, or make something. No way I’d go empty handed…
Sorry, not much help, but that’s my take on it.
I think it’s very nice of you to not expect gifts, though!

I just wanted to chime in - and I hope this doesn’t ruffle too many feathers - but etiquette-wise you’re not supposed to mention gifts at all in an invitation, not even to say you don’t want them. While a wedding is traditionally a gift-giving time…the essense of gifts is you’re never supposed to assume you’re entitled to them (showers are a little different b/c that’s the only time a gift is pretty much required). I know it’s becoming more common to have that kind of things on your invitation, but (and maybe this is just my southern crowd) there still seems to be a crowd of people offended by that kind of thing (”No gift?! So only cash is good enough for her?”). It certainly doesn’t sound like you’re being entitled or gift-grabby, but if there are people in your life who might see it that way, you should be aware.
Personally, I think giving to charity is a wonderful thing, but I wouldn’t really be comfortable donating to someone else’s because they told me to…I tend to treat it as a more personal, private thing. I certainly wouldn’t be offended, but I probably wouldn’t donate unless it really was on my list of already supported charities that I knew and trusted.

Personally, in this situation the best thing is usually to spread the word by mouth. If you don’t put registry information in their lap, guests *will* ask you or your family what you want and you could make sure they know the answer is nothing. Beware, there will always be those Aunt Bertha types who just couldn’t attend an event without a gift in hand…

As far as etiquette goes, you can’t do anything except verbally spread the word. Saying “please dont bring gifts”, “your presence is your gift”, etc in the invitation is just as rude as putting registry information in the invitation. The idea of them giving or not giving you something shouldn’t even enter your mind. And a charity registry is just as rude IMO as a honeymoon registry because it all boils down to you demanding cash and even worse, in the case of charity registries, demanding where they spend it. If someone gives you cash, feel free to donate it wherever you want, but proper etiquette would be not mentioning anything at all about gifts or registries on your invitation and having friends/family members spread the word that you are honored just to have them there. Any mention of gifts in the invitation, whether its demanding cash or commanding people not to give, is tacky in my book.

i don’t think honeymoon registries are bad etiquette. maybe because i plan on doing one.i do think its bad to say anything about a gift on an invitation at all is inappropriate (its the same tone as fishing for compliments), and i think that saying that you don’t want gifts only when asked is the best way to go about it. but, i guess saying it in a way that doesn’t’ imply you want money is important. i personally don’t really like the charity option. your wedding isn’t a fund raiser. just my opinion of course

If people ask what you want, you could try saying say that what you would really like would be a note, momento or picture that you can put in your wedding scrapbook.
It is a nice way of telling people not to buy you a gift while building a wonderful memory book.