Wedding Blog
Recently I became the MOH for one of my best friend’s wedding. I found out a week ago. . .the wedding is in two weeks. Basically, I’m the only bridesmaid home that isn’t AWOL or in the Navy, and thus floating somewhere out in the Pacific. The issue is with the AWOL bridesmaid. So far the following has happened:
1. We had to throw an intervention after the bachelorette party for the AWOL bridesmaid. This is a long story but the ending = the bridesmaid is now in AA (and yes this had to happen and all of us were in agreement that it had to happen even during the bachelorette).
2. The bridesmaid is still in the wedding and hasn’t called the bride since the above mentioned event.
3. I finally got the bridesmaid to get her dress and shoes a week ago. The dress is currently in a ball in the back of her car. . .but heck at least it’s in her posession.
4. Today I find out that the bridesmaid has failed to make hotel reservations and thus is now at another hotel, not the hotel the bridal party is booked into.
5. The bridesmaid has decided she’s driving home after the wedding instead of spending the night. Home = Seattle. Wedding = Portland Oregon. I’m afraid she’ll leave after the ceremony.
My goal is to get the AWOL bridesmaid into our hotel. However, part of me thinks I should just let it go and cross my fingers for the best.
My questions are:
Should I let the bride know the above?
Do you think she needs to know?
Or as a MOH should I just make it work? Which I can do as I excel sometimes at being a control freak.
Also, should I talk to the AWOL bridesmaid and encourage her to try to get into our hotel and stay the second night.?
This is the first of our group to get married and I would really hate to see my friend (the bride) get upset over such ridiculous behavior.
Thoughts?
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I think I would try to talk to the AWOL bridesmaid and work w/ her to somehow manage the situation. When you talk to her, I’d try to be as understanding as possible - I’m sure she sees her actions as justifiable so you don’t want to get in the position where she’s feeling attacked. You’ll have to work quickly to see if you can resolve the issue though. If all alternatives are exhausted then I think the bride should know.
Given that the wedding is only two weeks away, I’m sure the bride is super stressed already. Good luck! Sounds like a very sticky situation.
Talk to the bridesmaid first. Tell her you really don’t want to have to go to the bride when she’s got a million other things to deal with, but also tell her that as a MOH you will NOT let your friend’s wedding be ruined. If it means asking the BM to step down, it may be better than confrontation come the wedding day. Do what you can, but if it doesn’t get fixed, involve the bride in it - only if you have to. It sounds like this BM has forgotten that the day is about the bride.
Eek, what chaos. You sound like you’re doing a great job as MOH!
It doesn’t sound like the bride is much of a detail person (she just told you the wedding’s in 2 weeks?), but as a bride I would want to know that she might be planning to leave early to drive home (i-5 after a wedding does NOT appeal to me, but it sounds like maybe this woman needs her family right now).
It sounds like this particular bride doesn’t care much for things like hotel reservations, so I wouldn’t worry about sharing that unless the location is somehow critical to the wedding.
As a friend, I would want to know about the AA intervention - the bride does know that much already, right?
Wow. To tell you the truth, I really don’t know what I’d do in that situation, but wanted to say that you’re an awesome friend for dealing with this without dumping it on the bride. You’re one rockin’ MOH!!!
It sounds like the BM is selfish and irresponsible. It sounds like she is disinterested in the whole process. Maybe you should ask her if she still wants to be in the wedding and if not, have the bride let her off the hook. I don’t think her drama is worth your stress or the bride’s stress. IMHO.
Maybe I’m missing something, but it sounds like the bridesmaid is doing what she can. If she ended up in AA, maybe she just doesn’t feel like she can handle the reception. If she will be there for the ceremony, that is all that she is really “required” to do. She may not feel like she could control herself in a party situation. Good luck!
I agree with Colleen. It sounds like the BM is taking steps to make sure she’s not in a situation where she can relapse. She probably doesn’t want to call attention to that fact, and that’s why she’s blaming it on lack of a hotel room and a long drive back.
Thanks everyone for your comments!
The bride definately knows about AA as she was there during the intervention. We’ve all known each other since we were pretty small so we’re pretty close.
The BM in question does have a tendency to make choices which may be deemed. . .selfish/irresponsible etc. . .though she’s not intentionally trying to hurt anyone, sometimes she forgets the details that matter to other people involved.
I’m going to try to get her into the hotel. We’ve also made drink choices which are appropriate to her current situation that everyone involved is okay with (the AWOL bridesmaid is a redbull fan and tonic and lime fan- I took care of this in advance because I knew the bride would forget)
In regards to the hotel. She never booked that’s why she is at a different hotel. She’s leaving early because her friend who is coming with her (totally not connected to the wedding in any way- we don’t actually know her) wants to be home Saturday night. Which of course I understand, but as the friend is not connected to the bride and groom and such I’m not sure why the AWOL bridesmaid can’t just catch a ride home with one of us the next morning)
I forgot to say earlier that this BM has also been fairly vocal about not wanting to be in the wedding. And in retrospect, if these things were out in the open earlier the BM may have been happier stepping out of the wedding. But I also think she would have been sad to miss out.
But its okay. We will get it figured out eh!? 
For now I won’t be telling the bride about the hotel room situation. Because like many of you above said, she’s probably under enough stress as it is without knowing that one of her bridesmaids isn’t in the hotel And at the end of the day, hopefully the bride will remember her awesome day and not that one bridesmaid wasn’t at the main hotel.
So fingers crossed! And thanks for your advice!
Oceangrl!
PS- Originally there wasn’t going to be a MOH or best man but last minute the bride and groom changed their minds.
Wow! I would concentrate on the most vital items that need to be participated in by all bridesmaids. Things like last minute duties for the bride, being on time and presnet for any beauty appointments and all pictures. And showing up with all appropriate attire and accessories neat and pressed. Maybe even make a light joke out of your demands. For example, I made a bridesmaid bootcamp newsletter for all of the bridesmaids that were in the last wedding that I was a maid of honor in. They all teased and called me drill sergeant, but it also gave them a written set of expactation s and a timeline of when they had to be in different places! Good luck!
have a plan of action, and let the bride know.
This person sounds incredibly selfish and should not be allowed to cause the bride anymore stress.
The sooner she is handled the better.
I’m sorry, but I feel like if this girl is in AA and has a serious drinking problem, I don’t blame her for not caring too much about this wedding. Not that her friend/friendship isn’t important to her, but it sounds like she might have MUCH deeper issues that are pretty serious in the grand scheme of things, and being in a friend’s wedding isn’t her top priority.
Personally, I would let her withdraw graciously from her position (or talk to her gently and tell her that this option may be best FOR HER wellbeing — I wouldn’t turn it around on possibly ruining the bride’s day, because I think that comes across as fairly insensitive, given what she’s going through), and go on without her, so she can focus on getting herself better.
Just my two cents!
Um, if she’s been vocal about not wanting to be in the wedding, then I don’t understand why anything shocks you?
I do think though that it’s not that bad. I mean if she doesn’t want to stay overnight, or be in the same hotel, that doesn’t mean that she won’t be at the reception or that she’ll do something to offend the bride. And, even if she doesn’t stay for everything, she’s gong through something pretty heavy right now and if the bride cares about her, then she should understand that she did the best she could for her. I would hate to think that someone did something in my wedding that they didn’t want to.
Good luck and I hope everything works out!
That is a really big tough one. I just got married in Portland and some of the most important guests failed to book at the wedding party hotel, choosing their own hotel instead. While I was annoyed temporarily and thought they were idiots, I chose to not let it get in the way of my happy day. I think you should tell the bride, but not let it spoil anything.
BTW, have you seen http://www.bestportlandwedding.com
It’s kinda like low-tech version of myportlandwedding.com, but with comments on best wedding places in Portland. Sorta helped us in the planning stage.
This is late, but I wouldn’t worry about her being in the wrong hotel, just have her come over and get dressed/makeup/etc in your/the brides room. You could even tell her that if she gives you the dress, you’ll bring it with you, thus giving you a chance to get it steamed before the event.
As far as leaving early, I just wouldn’t worry about it. The bride will be busy enough she’ll probably never notice even if she does leave early.
I read this as colleen and brooke did–this BM 1) has much bigger issues than a friend’s–even a good friend’s–wedding and 2) if she doesn’t want to be in the wedding, this may be a fair opportunity for her to bow out gracefully.
If the bride feels THAT personally connected to the BM and the BM bows out, then the bride could denote her as an honorary bridesmaid in the program, or do something special during the wedding or reception that only the two of them know about–put a favorite/significant quote in the program, give the BM the bouquet instead of tossing it, etc. However, I don’t understand how the bride and BM are so connected if the BM wishes to have no involvement–does that make sense? If they are that good of friends, wouldn’t this BM make the best of this situation? I was in a wedding where I didn’t care to be a BM…but in fact I was MOH. I was able to smile, grin, bare it and support the bride–but does this BM have the will to grin and bare it?
I think you need to try and have a heart to heart with the BM–get to the root of how she’s feeling and why she’s said she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding in the past. Maybe you can convey that you know it means a lot to Susie bride that she be part of the wedding, and that you think this could be a happy/bright spot in the tough times the BM has been going through. Tell her you don’t want her to regret not being part of Susie’s special day because you KNOW Susie values her friendship and that the day wouldn’t be the same without her…be sincere.
You’ve got to feel her out…if she wants out desperately, then it’s probably time to bring Susie bride in it–and yeah, she’s got a lot on her mind but I, personally, would have rather known if a friend was unhappy with serving as BM on the wedding day! If BM wants to make it work, then as MOH keep helping out as you can–like cs said, taking care of the dress if possible and just making sure she’s on time and part of the ceremony–a different hotel shouldn’t be a big deal. This definitely isn’t an easy conversation to have for either party!
All this is just my humble opinion, of course.
Sounds like you’re doing a tremendous job! I think we all know that no one “cares” as much about a wedding as the bride and groom, but it sounds like you truly do and are doing your best to be helpful and accommodating. Good luck!
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