Last Tuesday we had our first and only dance lesson at Atrium Dance. We really procrastinated on that task! Instructor Barbara was fantastic and taught us enough to move around the dance floor for our first dance. Whether we can do it without making a complete ass of ourselves is another thing. Barbara even instructs at Drexel U sometimes.
What I love about Mr. Snow Pea is that he is a great sport about everything. Dancing made him a little uneasy, but he sucked it up for me. The reason being is Mr. Snow Pea was born with Cerebral Palsy and has what is known as Spastic CP, which is heightened muscle tone and tightness. Mr. Snow Pea’s legs are spastic, so he’s a little apprehensive about dancing in front of a crowd. Otherwise, he’s cool as a cucumber! 
The reason I bring this up is that I don’t think I have ever seen this discussed. What exactly? Disabilities and all that comes with it ie. Health Issues, Family Concerns, Prejudice, Compromises, Criticism, etc. These are things that people don’t tell you when you’re getting married, but I am sure many people deal with them. I don’t know anyone else with a spouse who has a “disability”. I wouldn’t call it a disability either. He’s perfectly able-bodied. He can do anything except ice skate or use his feet during a tickle fight!
Like I said, Mr. Snow Pea was born with CP. When we met in college, I didn’t even notice he walked differently, which even surprised me because I was a freakin’ priss back then. I just knew he was a special guy. We dated for a few months and I was crazy about him. It never bothered me when people stared at us on the street. I used to tell him it’s because we’re such a darn good lookin’ couple. In Chinatown, everyone stares at everyone anyway, and it’s more likely it’s because they see a Chinese girl holding hands with a “white guy”.
Then one day, something changed. L-O-V-E! I knew I truly loved Mr. Snow Pea when I got scared. No, none of that stupid I am scared to get hurt BS. I mean concerned - for his future, his health, our future, can we have children? Would it mean I have to bear a heavier load in our relationship, household responsibilities, and child rearing? What happens when he’s elderly? I educated myself on it by reading about CP online, chatting with other people with CP and voicing my concerns with Mr. Snow Pea. Of course, Mr. SP didn’t want to be a burden, not that he was. Pretty soon all my questions were answered and my fear went away. Instead, I was filled with love and affection knowing that I would spend my life with someone who was strong, resilient, positive and caring.
How did our friends and family react when they met Mr. Snow Pea? For people who are often critical, they were surprisingly understanding. My mom loved Mr. SP from the start! She often reprimands me for not “helping” him around the house even though he’s perfectly capable, or cooking too much for him because she thinks he shouldn’t gain any weight otherwise it will make his knees “worse”. Silly Mama goose. All our friends are cool, so that was no big deal. I think that’s what makes our friends so great. We are such a tightly knit group and very protective of one another.
Unfortunately, we have had some troubles with people. Oftentimes, kids will make fun of him on the street. Once, a random woman shouted at us saying if he got better shoes, he would walk better. A homeless person once attacked him by hooking him at the ankle with an umbrella. Those incidents were more dangerous than hurtful. The most shocking thing for me was that people actually made that kind of effort to be cruel. The worst was when acquaintances felt the need to ask how I could be with “someone like that”, because if they were in my shoes they would be embarrassed. How shallow.
As for the future, I am so grateful to share my life with someone as strong as Mr. Snow Pea. Growing up with CP has definitely added another dimension to his personality. He’s incredibly healthy and with CP, the only thing he has to do is work out throughout his whole life to stretch out his muscles, because the more spastic his muscles are, he will lose his capability to walk on his own. We’re strong and protective of one another and as cliche as it may sound, it has made our relationship stronger.
I think anyone can relate to this in one way or another. How many people have made judgments about your fiance/spouse based on looks, education, money, and ethnicity? What are some special circumstances that you have experienced? How did you overcome them?
Mr. Snow Pea even wrote about his experience with CP called Keith’s Story.
For more information, visit United Cerebral Palsy.
GOOD FOR YOU for sharing this! I don’t even know you, and yet I am touched by your story and your relationship. Every couple has obstacles to get over, and it sounds as though the two of you are doing great.
I continue to be amazed, however, by peoples’ bad manners. The whole asking-about-kids thing has already been discussed at length on weddingbee…and now this, with people asking how you could be with Mr. SP? Ridiculous! That gets my blood boiling just thinking about it. Hats off to both of you for now immediately lunging for that person’s throat!
I mean, *NOT immediately lunging…
Thanks Miss SP for this blog! 
I’ve been contemplating writing a blog on planning a wedding w/disabilities or med. probs and now I definitely will.
According to the groomsmen’s blogs, one of thes highlight of our reception was me giving the type 1 groom his insulin during the cake cutting.
It was somewhere around our third date that he started listing the symptoms of dangerously low and high blood sugar, and what I needed to do when I noticed them. I also learned where the glucogon was kept. I gotta say, “thank you for saving my life…again” is a really good pick-up line. Works on me, at least.
You two seem so happy together, and deserve a long, wonderful life with each other. Thank you for sharing with us all.
By the way, did you get your marriage license a week or two ago? I work at the Municipal Building, and am now convinced that I saw you two outside… Hope that didn’t come off as stalkerish, but I was very pleased to have a Weddingbee sighting!
I’m in a similar situation, but in this case, *I* am the one with a disability. I’m legally blind from retinitis pigmentosa. I can see well enough to live a mostly normal life, but the biggest hassle is that I cannot drive. If you live outside of a major city as I do, it is a big deal. My parents used to drive me to & from work everyday and to run errands. I know this was a burden on them, but they rarely complained.
When my now fiance asked me to move in with him 2 hrs away, he knew that it would mean a major change in his life - not just in living arrangements, but in how he lived. I’d keep asking if he was sure he wanted to take on the responsibility and he always assured me that he was willing to drive me around. Now he does just that - he drops me off at work in the morning and picks me up in the afternoon. He’s an IT consultant, so he has to drive from place-to-place all day anyway. Sometimes he’ll arrange for a friend to pick me up instead, but he’s always the one to make the arrangements as he feels it’s his responsibility. The only time he complains about it is when I want to go shopping.
It sounds like you’re going to be happy together, and that all that really matters.
This might help ease the dancing worries: people will be looking at your faces, not your feet. I’m a dancer and I catch myself doing this all of the time at the ballet (and I WANT to see the feet). If you guys are smiling, that’s what people will notice.
And yes, they’re totally checking out the white guy holding hands with the Chinese girl.
Neither of us has a disability per se…but I am almost 3 degrees more educated then my fiance. I’ve gotten some comments about that (although I hope fi never has!)
I was in India for 2 months last summer, and the people there were especially shocked that I would marry someone so “beneath” me.
I thinks its funny though. How many PhDs does one need in a family? Plus, its incredibly sexist. Nobody would bat an eye if our genders were reversed.
My FH is deaf in one ear, which is normally not a problem in our realtionship. (I often tell him he has a listening problem, not a hearing problem!) However, some people often think he is rude because he doesn’t acknowledge them or answer them, usually because they are standing on the wrong side! I tend to get very defensive about this. It is usually in public with people we don’t know, like someone saying “excuse me” and the FH not moving. He gets called all kinds of names for this, but luckily he usually doesn’t hear them!
Thanks for sharing this!
My fiance has tremors… his hands shake and he shakes sometimes too… it’s a small neurological thing that only strangers really notice… as in when we were trying on wedding rings and the jeweler told him “not to be nervous”… or he gets pulled over by a cop and the cop tells him to “calm down”. It’s frustrating because nobody seems to understand. The source of the neurological problem has never been found, but he is hesitant to have children because of it (not just the tremors, but other issues as well) so we have both agreed that if we do decide we want kids (we’re not sure now), that we will be open to adopting.
wow, i really admire your relationship and your post. it adds a different dimension to a relationship when there are physical challenges to deal with. yours is a great story of strength of will, mind, and character.
I work in the field of disability and human rights. There is even a field called disability studies. Disability is part of the human experience as much as gender, etc.
I’ve been to some beautiful and meaningful weddings with sign language interpreters! Also to weddings where the bride or groom is in a wheelchair. A bride, for example, sat in a chair during the ceremony to be on the same level as her spouse who uses a wheelchair.
Myself? I wear hearing aids and am going to totally rock an updo! No hiding the hearing aids for me!
Please feel free to email me if you have any questions.
What a sweet and honest post about the strength of a real relationship and planning for a marriage, not just a wedding!
I always love the photos you’ve posted of you and Mr. Snow Pea because you can just see the love between you two. I know photos are static and wouldn’t show a disability really anyway, but just thought I would mention that you really cannot tell at all in the photos, all you see is the two of you.
I’m not as brave as you to be so honest. My mom is very prejudiced, so it’s hard to tell her a lot of things. My fiance is half native but looks white, you would never guess from looking at him that he’s biracial. I didn’t even know until halfway through our relationship, because his biological native father left his mom when my fiance was a baby so I’ve only ever met his stepdad, who is white. I feel kind of like a coward for this, but we’ve chosen never to tell my family that he’s biracial, because we just don’t want to give them a reason to start another battle about me marrying him. And of all things, race should not be an issue, so we’re not going to give them the opportunity to make it into one.
Wow Miss Snow Pea- thanks for this encouraging and uplifting post. I think a lot of couples deal with similar issues and it is always so encouraging to hear that other couples deal with them too and that the challenges can bring you closer together.
Good luck on your first dance- I know it will be wonderful - and as Melissa said- people are totally watching your happy faces anyway
A friend of mine’s fiance has CP also. I was curious about it when I first met him because I had only ever heard of severe cases. He is very similar to your fiance in that he is willing to educate people and let them know exactly what it is and what it does to him. I really enjoyed reading his article and thank you so much for sharing this with us.
While certainly not a “disability”, when I met my fiance, I had just slipped out of remission with leukemia, for the third time. His mother discouraged our relationship straight from the start (apparently he told his mother about me before we had starting dating, and she didn’t even want him to be my friend!). His father died when he was young, and she wanted to protect him from losing someone else — but it still hurts to know that a college-aged student is still told not to be your friend because of an illness.
My biggest fear, however, is that someone from his family will mention it at the wedding. I come from a VERY private family, and some of my distant relatives never knew I was sick when I was first diagnosed at 3, again at 11, or yet again at 18. His family can’t keep their mouths shut about anything, so as soon as his mother found out, anyone related to them in a 3,000 mile radius knew that I had leukemia. I am trying to spread the word that I don’t want it to be brought up, but I am not sure they will be respectful of my wishes!
Wow! Thanks for posting about your and your FH’s experience! My FH has a disability where his spine is fusing together over time. He is often in a lot of pain and doesn’t have full range of motion with his neck and back. It’s very noticeable, but no one has ever done such terrible things as what your FH has experienced. Although he has this “disability”, my FH is very able to do things on a daily basis and doesn’t like to be treated differently (even if he is hurting all the time). You rarely ever get to read about the “real” parts of weddings that don’t have to do with decorations, food, dresses, etc. Hats off to you and Mr. Snow Pea! This post will definitely help my FH feel more confident about getting on the dance floor and help to open up discussion with the many readers of Wedding Bee!
you rock miss snow pea! I’ve had to deal with the ethnicity issue, but not the disability issue. my roommate’s bf is disabled as well and had surgery to correct his back problems but he still has a slighty distinctive walk. You’d never notice unless you look down at his feet though.
Miss. Snowpea! I knew your fiance in H.S! I had my suspicions that he looked familiar in your pictures but thought he was just a look alike. Then you mentioned Drexel and his name and I knew it was him. Best wishes to the two of you!!
(He might not remember me b/c I knew him through a friend and went to a different H.S.)
what a wonderful post. thank you for sharing. i’m touched by your story and unwavering love/support/commitment to each other!!
as for random people staring as you two walk down the street, just say “what? you’ve never seen a good looking couple before?” 
Great post, thanks for sharing. I’m really cheering for your wedding!
We get a surprising number of stares, comments and jokes about height. He’s a short guy. So what? I think some of the greatest men get overlooked just on superficial externalities. (Single ladies — here’s a tip for meeting some of the greatest guys!)
Beautiful, beautiful post! I loved what you wrote about being scared - it seems like being afraid for the people we love is a natural part of loving them, just as moving through the fear can also come with time and learning. With that in mind, I am even more touched by the thought of your first dance, and how much it will mean to all those people in the crowd who have loved, feared for, and supported your Mr. over the years of his life! Okay, no tearing up at work so I’ll sign off by saying thank you for sharing this story.
Miss Snowpea, thanks so much for this post. I have many health problems and sometimes wonder why my beloved would want to take on “forever” when he doesn’t have to, so it’s nice to read your story from the other side….
Also nice to open up the disability topic for public discussion. For people who face limitations, often you can’t separate those from wedding planning. My own problems present severe limits on energy, whch gets drained if I stand too long, move around too much, or talk to too many people — sound like most wedding weekends? What scares me most for my wedding day is that I’ll be too exhausted to get through it, much less enjoy it!
I loved this blog entry. Dont get me wrong, it was really touching and beautifully written, but it was hilarious when you said: In Chinatown, everyone stares at everyone anyway, and it’s more likely it’s because they see a Chinese girl holding hands with a “white guy,” because it’s so TRUE!
Another thank you for this entry. This is a huge personal issue for me and I have never had anyone to discuss it with, so just reading this and all the comments has made me feel so much better!! My husband has cystic fibrosis (CF). It is a genetic disease that affects several body systems including the lungs and the pancreas. He is very healthy for someone with CF, and I had no idea when we first started dating. He is extremely private about this so he didn’t tell me til after several months, when it was obvious that things were getting serious.
I have had many of the same worries as you, but I also did lots of reading about the subject and in the end love won out. I still worry about his health - the average life expectancy is only 37 and it’s easy to get caught up worrying about being a widow after 10 years (he’s 27 now).. also, it’s a lot harder for him to have kids, not to mention the whole aspect of passing on a genetic condition.
So - lots to think about! And it feels like they are things that no one else has to deal with, just b/c it’s not discussed to frequently. I remember going through premarital counseling and our discussions were so different from the issues other couples were talking about. We kept them to ourselves because we didn’t want to bring them up in front of everyone. Again, thanks so much for your post and reminding me that so many people go through similar things. Best wishes for you and Mr. Snow Pea in your future together!! 
this is one of the best entries ever!
What a beautiful story Keith’s Story is…you must be soo proud of him-this story shows what happens when human beings rise above themselves and its a lesson in perseverance to everyone,CP or not!God bless you both!
thank you so much for sharing this! my fiance was born with spina bifida. while he was able to walk on his own when he was younger, he later had to move onto crutches. i could completely relate with this blog! it was actually really encouraging to read. thanks so much!
After reading your post about him going to the post office, how could anyone be so cruel to him? Your love is so sweet and it was really nice to read this perspective.
My husband has a mild case of CP, too. His right side is more stiff and he has less control over it. He does most things one handed with his left hand. There was a time I worried about insignificant (and some not so insignificant) things like… will he be able to braid our daughter’s hair (when we, Lord willing have kids and if we have a girl), will it affect having kids (no), if something happened to me, would he be able to take care of our family, etc. He is such a wonderful man, he’s so open about it, and I too love the depth it’s added to his character.
Congrats on finding a great man!
Kara-Yes, we got our license last week! Next time, feel free to come and say hi. It was a very tense day actually. When we left, I found out my mom had an infection of some kind and was in the hospital and Brother Pea got into a car accident. I probably looked really distressed didn’t I? I know I was really upset at the moment.
[...] Life Can Be Funny So Why Not Beat It To The Punchline? by Miss Snow Pea, The Top 5 by Miss Radish, Splashing The Dress by Mrs. Lemon & Don’t Take Me Off by Miss Kiwi [...]
Mrs. Snow Pea, New York
Age and Occupation: 26, Architectural Engineer and student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Web Designer
Engagement Date: July 4, 2005
Wedding Date: August 18, 2007
About Me: I am a DIY gal. From cooking, home improvements to wedding. Mr. Snow Pea and I met in college, and since then we've been like peas and carrots! Love cooking, traveling, and fishing.
my fh has type 1 diabetes and this always worries me. when we started dating, he had actually just gotten out of the hospital after fighting to keep his big toe after a blister had caused a horrible infection.
i know that we’ll always have to be careful about his sugar levels, paying extra attention to his feet and extremities, eyesight, and teeth as these are all affected… but he’s the greatest guy i’ve ever met and a little thing like diabetes couldn’t keep me away from him.
if anything, he’s extra careful about his health and well being, and grateful for the fact that his body is intact.
mr sp’s story was so touching, and i wish you guys the best in your future together!