Open Question
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Open Question: Intervene or Let It Be?
August 15th, 2007 @ 3:44 pm by Open Question
What would you do if a friend was engaged to someone you disliked? What if you knew that person to be different (in a bad way) than how your friend perceives them? (blinded by love or maybe the female is good at putting up a facade)
Would you disclose your knowledge to your friend? Would you intervene and let your feelings be known?
What if you knew your input would have absolutely no effect?
PhatBoY113
27 Responses to “Open Question: Intervene or Let It Be?”
I would pose this question to that friend, essentially asking him if he’d like to hear what you know/think.
My bestf is currently engaged to a guy that none of her friends (myself included) can tolerate. Although they are engaged, it’s more of an open engagement and they haven’t set a date and aren’t looking to do so in the near future. They constantly argue, and he has a bad attitude towards her. She insists that the relationship is getting better, but even if it is, it’s still not to the point of “okay” in my eyes.
However… it’s been a few years now that they’ve been dating, and me and my friends have come to realize that no matter what we say to her, she won’t listen. In fact, it will probably push her away further because she will become defensive and then eventually not even want to come to us when something really bad happens to her, and that’s what we’re afraid of. (He has even physically abused her, and she went back to him after all the talks we had with her. He hasn’t done it since, so she says, and I do believe her on that.)
So… in order to not completely eliminate her from our lives, we have decided that she’s made her own decisions, and there is nothing more we can do. We’ve had many many talks with her, and it doesn’t work. All we can do is be friends to her by being here for her when she needs it most. Hopefully one day she will see her mistake.
Ooh, this is tough (and a good question!)…
It’s especially tough because this can often alienate you and end your friendship (yet at the same time, as a friend you feel obligated to be honest…). I think you need to weigh which one of those is more important.
In a similar situation, a friend I asked for advice on the matter told me I should let me friend “make her own mistakes”.
Let us know what you do!
hmm… I’ve been in a similar situation that is very close to my heart. Her now-husband wasn’t bad and did’t hurt her, but I just didn’t approve. After discussing with my fiance, we decided that it really wasn’t my place it say anything…if my suspicions end up being true, all I can do is be there to support her.
However, if the relationship was abusive I would have said something…good luck…
I was in a similar situation a few years ago…My best friend became engaged to a guy she knew for 3 months. She was not herself around him, and he was not a nice guy (to her, her friends, her family, and even his own family). But she insisted she “loved” him.
She asked me to be a bridesmaid - I accepted (with reluctance). They booked a church, priest, flowers, reception hall, etc. We bought our BM dresses, they registered, the whole 9 yards. Thankfully they called off the wedding.
Before I accepted being a BM, I tried to delicately approach the subject. She wanted to hear none of it. So I dropped it. I know how people (she) can get when they’re caught up in the moment and are blinded by something.
In hindsight, I’m glad I was there for my friend. Because they called off the wedding, she knows I’m there to support her no matter what. I think when the pieces fall apart, it’s most important to support her and listen, even if you “told her so”.
Good luck with your decision. I know it’s a hard one.
I am in a similar situation and a bm for one of my friends. I dont like the guy but what can i do. I delicately once approached the subject but instead of calling the guy out, I asked my friend if she was sure this was it, and that sometimes she sees the world with rose colored glasses, and to just take some time and make sure she is making the right decision. she assured me she was, so as one of her closest friends, i can only support her. who knows what will happen in the future, but this is her life and her choice. i will be there for the good time and bad…. i suggest to let everyone run their own lives. though it may be hard to just stand back it is their mistake to make.
I think it depends somewhat on what it is that she’s hiding from him. If it’s a really destructive thing, like abuse, cheating, stealing, or something like that, I would say something to him as gently as possible without using any accusatory language. Be very careful how you phrase it, you are treading on very shaky ground and could destroy your relationship with your friend more easily than you’ll destroy his relationship with his fiancee.
On the other hand, if it’s simply personality traits in her that you don’t like and don’t think he would like if he were aware of them, then I think it would be best to wait for them to surface on their own. He will find out eventually and deal with them as he sees fit. If the relationship falls apart later, then you can be there as a supportive friend.
I think the WORST thing you can do is refuse to attend the wedding because you don’t approve of his choice in a mate. Try to be supportive even if you don’t agree with him - after all he’s still your friend even if you don’t like his fiancee.
Unfortunately, I’ve been on both sides of this situation. My sister was married to an a*hole and I was trying to convince her to get a divorce — she kept making up excuses for him but the bottom line was that she wasn’t ready to hear the truth and it literally took her 5 years to finally realize that she’s better off without him. Luckily, we are close and this did not affect our relationship.
As for me, my best friend stayed silent for the duration of my 4 year relationship until something significant happened to which she finally confessed to me how much she disliked my boyfriend at the time. My very first reaction was “you should have told me!” but in hindsight, I actually appreciated that she kept silent. I kinda already knew that he wasn’t her favorite person but having it voiced out loud would have made it extremely awkward for me to confide in her and probably would have affected our relationship somehow (although I’d like to think it would have weathered through it). Not to mention the not-so-pleasant group gatherings when you’re constantly aware of the tension in the air. As they say, ignorance is bliss.
Bottom-line is: People have many defense mechanisms intact to avoid hearing the truth and unless they are ready to hear it, you’re wasting your breath and may possibly be hurting a relationship. Know your friend and know if she is ready to hear your well-meant advice. Your friend will need you eventually when she faces the truth so don’t alienate yourself by making her choose (which is what it’ll feel like for her). In the meantime, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” - Thumper (Bambi)
I’ve been on both sides of this, and have to say, I wish a friend would have expressed to me what they were feeling and discussing with one another. That we just weren’t right for each other, that his insecurities were infecting my own self-esteem, that I had been much happier single than with him, and that his passive-aggressive tendencies were escalating into verbal abuse. Love can be blinding — particularly if the person grew up without a lot of positive role models for what a healthy relationship looks like.
We attended a wedding in July for a dear friend who had turned 30, decided he “must get married” met a woman (who felt the same way), and became engaged 4 months after they met. Sometimes this makes sense — but in this case, the “desire to be married” had trumped the “desire to marry the right partner” — we talked about it a bit, and I shared my own experience with him, and told him I’d support him no matter what happened. Whether or not he heard me, and whether or not he’ll ever need that support remains to be seen - but I felt the friendship is important enough to share my feelings.
I absolutely think that you should never tell someone if you don’t like their significant other. All you will do is put a wedge between you and your friend. And I think this is especially true if you suspect or know that some sort of abuse is going on. I’ve worked with victims of domestic violence and one of the ways that abusers control their victims is to isolate them, so they have no one to turn to when they decide they are ready to get out. I don’t think you need to sing the praises of the guy you don’t like, but it’s not helpful to say negative things. Instead, if your friend tells you how it’s so annoying that her BF did x, just affirm what she’s saying (Yes, I can see why x would be hurtful). She will likely need support and need someone to help make her feel like she’s competent and able to make the right choices, things that her abuser is taking away from her. Your friend will need you to be a friend, not judge her.
Unless it’s a potentially abusive situation, I would keep my mouth shut. There are only two people in the relationship, and whatever my perceptions from the outside may be, it’s not my place to judge or try to change her perception. I would be there for my friend, and be happy for her if if this person makes her happy, no matter what I may personally feel about him.
Most people don’t want to hear the truth. I would politely put my two cents in and drop it after that. Timing is really key on that, too! I wouldn’t bring it up randomly or say the phrase, “I really need to talk to you…” because she might put up a wall and become angry. It would be awful to lose a friend over her fiance. She’ll hopefully do the right thing for her. A good friend would stick by her while she figures things out.
I would not intervene…. I think that the mojority of the times things turn out the way that they are suppose to. Whether they are good or bad. Good luck!!!
It all depends. Everyone’s response so far has been from the guy being the person that’s not approved of . Whereas in your question it’s the girl that you don’t think is being true to who you think you know her to be, to your friend. Honestly, I don’t anything negative would happen to your friendship if you told him. With the exception that if you do tell him and he tells his fiance you will be on his soon-to-be wifes sh*t list and she’ll probably give him grief about hanging out with you (especially if it is true) .
If it’s something that she’s done in the past that could be contributed to being young then you should just leave it be…people change. If the negative quality is something you see that will has the real potential to cause your friend grief then definitely tell him.
refer your friend to a good attorney and draft that prenup asap! kidding. since you already know your input would have “absolutely no effect”, this is a tough one. i agree w/ laura s’ comments (#7). and, make sure the reasons you don’t like her are legitimate and not just b/c she did something to get on your bad side. good luck!
One additional thought, if you choose not to say anything to your friend, be careful who you tell your true thoughts. Even worse than confronting her would be if she found out your true feelings through the grapevine….
Well, this is a pretty close issue for me. My little brother got married a little over a year ago to a girl that pretty much no one in our family quite cared for. My family was sweet to her for the duration…my brother was head over heels for this girl, and then she cheated on him about two weeks to their first anniversary.
She was a spoiled brat, had never lived on her own, and expected everyone to treat her like a princess. Once they bought a house and “real” life set in, she couldn’t handle not getting the newest Coach purse/sunglasses the second they came out. Needless to say, the guy she cheated on my brother with was a business guy on a trip in NYC. Ew.
All that said (sorry so long) he has asked me a few times these last couple weeks on our marathon therapy phone calls why we didn’t “make him not marry her”. I’ve told him exactly what you all have said. All it would have done was push them as a couple further away, and given her more ammo against our family. Believe me, she hated us, knowing we saw through her crap.
But he is finding out on his own, and it’s a life changing lesson. I just wish I could fix it for him…
It depends. If I knew the friend was actually in danger in any way, such as if the fiance had a history of abusing women, I would tell her in an instant. If he were a criminal, I would tell her. If I knew, with evidence, that the fiance had a history of cheating, I would bring up the subject in a theoretical way, trying to find out if the friend already knew. It’s hard to say what I would do in your situation, not knowing what the “bad way” is.
So, other than that, I would most likely keep my mouth shut, unless asked. It’s possible that even though you dislike this man, they may still have a happy marriage, and it’s possible that she knows more than you think.
That said, a good friend would keep a close eye on her, and would make sure that she knew there was always someone to talk to, or to take her in, if she needed it. Good luck.
To be honest, if your friend wants to MARRY this person, then I think the time to speak up has come and gone. Why lose a friendship over speaking your mind about something that she has CLEARLY thought through. There are a few people in my life with significant others that I dont particularly care for. So what? Its none of my business. If you have CLEAR evidence that they are hurting your friend in some way (physically/mentally) then you may want to discuss with your larger group of friends what kind of action you all should take. But you need to unite with several friends, intervention style. Simply speaking up to a friend saying how you DISLIKE their significant other is frankly, rude and unnecessary.
Phew, that’s one of the toughest questions around! Personally, I think a lot of the answer depends on details. Not that we need to know them, but is it a situation where there’s some specific red flag your friend doesn’t know or doesn’t see, along the lines of cheating or emotionally abusive behavior? Or do you just not like the person?
The closer things come to the former end of the spectrum, the more of an argument for speaking up. The closer they come to the latter, the more of an argument for not saying anything. Because if it’s the latter, isn’t there always the chance that your friend knows the person to be different from how YOU perceive her?
One of my closest friends is married to a guy that I would never have picked for her, for many reasons. But 10 years later, they have 2 chldren and still seem genuinely happy…. As much as you want to protect your friends, sometimes you have to trust them to know what they’re doing.
(And if it turns out poorly, be there to help pick up the pieces in the end. While resisting the extremely strong urge to point out that you could have told them so. Because at that point they’ll surely just need a little support from a friend….)
For goodness sake don’t say anything. You are inviting at the least awkwardness and at the worst the potential dissilution of your friendship.
This is hard. The best window for saying, “I think you’re not right for each other” is before the engagement, not after. Given that it’s too late, here are my thoughts:
1. Try to create some sort of opening or safe space so your friend knows they can open up to you about any problems in their relationship. Maybe they already know somewhere in their heart that it’s not right, but there was too much momentum behind the relationship that they were afraid to admit there’s a problem.
If you have some concrete evidence, that might be appropriate to mention. “You know, I was really surprised/confused last week when I heard your fiance/e do or say ___”
2. Definitely encourage them to get a solid prenup. Even if they don’t divorce, the prenup means they will have already had all of the tough conversations *before* the wedding about things like money. (In my opinion, even the happiest couples should get prenups so they can talk through all of these big issues.)
3. It’s way better to have a cancelled wedding than a divorce (or even worse, a major divorce because there’s a house and kids).
I think this is a situation where it depends. What is your friend’s personality? Is s/he usually pretty reasonable and level-headed? If so, then I’m afraid you’ll have to trust and have faith in your friend on this one. It seems like you may have already voiced your opinions to your friend (or else you wouldn’t know how s/he would react) so I would just drop.
I think it’s important for the friend to know what you know/think about the S.O. and your friend can ponder the issue himself/herself. It may be okay to bring it up a few times to your friend who typically doesn’t make very good judgments but I think once or twice would be enough for a friend who normally pretty grounded.
I agree with Paula, in that “Love can be blinding — particularly if the person grew up without a lot of positive role models for what a healthy relationship looks like.” Also, no one would ever want a situation like brianna’s brother happen to a loved one, so personally I would want to prevent that as much as possible.
Share!!! Share once and then say no matter what you support her but that you had to say this as a good friend. And then drop it…never bring it up again. My sister is happily married now but her first marriage ended up being abusive…she said that on the day of she had doubts but felt like she couldn’t say anything or call the whole thing off. After the divorce a lot of friends came to her and said they had problems with him from the beginning but they didn’t think it was their place to say anything. I often wonder what would have happened if at least one good friend had shared doubts with her…that might have given her the confidence to take that “out” and cancel the wedding.
Whatever happens, resist the urge to say “I told you so” later.
Touchy - - There are three parts to this. 1.) let your friend know your concerns in a matter of fact kind of way, no judgements… 2.) Keep in mind your friend is her own person. she may ignore your advise, and/or your advice may not apply to her life. She is NOT you, and may need this type of person in her life for a multitude of reasons. 3.) It is not your life, do not get emotionally attached. No need to get upset if your friend ignores your advice. If you do not want to deal with the impending drama, let your friend know that you have said your peace and you will not help sort out the consequences after the fact.
This recently happened to me. I was laid back about it and let my friend follow her own heart, even though I knew that he was ‘bad news’… As it turns out I was wrong, she’s not me and they seem to be a perfect match. I was dumbstruck to see that they are really not having any problems because they have an interesting balance and they are in love. I am so happy that I instinctively kept an open mind, because me and my best friend have no animosity about the boy 
One of my best friends married to this guy that none of us approved. A week before her wedding, she told us that she doesn’t think the guy is the one for her anymore, so we told her everything that we know about this guy, and suggested her to call off the wedding. What happened then? Well, she ended up marrying him, and I was the awkward bridesmaid that walked her down the aisle knowing that the marriage will not last. I regret that I didn’t tell her the truth about this guy from very beginning, so maybe she could’ve made a better decision.
