Why I Can’t Wait Til I’m Married
August 17th, 2007 @ 5:35 pm by Mr. Monkey
Amidst the crazy bustle and planning of the wedding, there are moments in the day where I stop and just can’t wait until I’m married. If you really think about it, there’s so many awesome benefits to marriage - here are a few I’m looking forward to:
1. Save money on mirrors
By putting on various things and just standing in front of the wife and reading her face, you’ll know if what you’re wearing looks good or bad. Big eyes and smile = good. Pinching her nose, vomit and head exploding = bad.
2. 24 hour game of tag
I remember growing up, once the sun went down, you knew you had to end your awesome game of tag and go home. With marriage, you can play tag….24 hours a day.
Noon:
“Tag you’re it!”
“Ha! I’ll get you back!”
4pm:
“Tag You’re it!”
“Oooh! I’ll get you!”
10pm:
“Tag You’re it!”
“Ok! Your turn!”
3:32am:
“Tag you’re it!”
“You’re gonna die.”
3. “Honey, I’m home!”
Granted, I say this when I come home everyday - but finally it will make sense!
4. Two words
Tax break!
5. Unlimited toilet paper
Nothing is worse than sitting on the can and then realizing there’s only 2 squares of toilet paper left. Now with a wife, you have someone to go get spare TP for you instead of you walking around the apt, half crouched with pants to knees walking like a duck looking for any semblance of tissue.
6. Secondary alarm clock
After a certain point, I don’t hear my alarm clock anymore - it simply doesn’t wake me up. But if I get one that’s annoying enough, then wife will get up angrily and force me to wake up to shut it off.
7. Soap
Somehow women are able to find the most delicious smelling soaps there are on the planet. Guava creme honey dew lotion infused watermelon fusion peanut butter apple cider soap with oats. No more ivory or hand wash soap from costco!
8. Most accurate back scratcher
You know what I’m talking about. That small area on your back that you can’t reach - with proper instruction “left…no my left…little down…little more…RIGHT there. Perfect…keep that going, thanks.” No more unreachable itches on the back.
9. Body heater
Granted, gromit the dog not bad as a heater, but he’s too small. Getting married is like upgrading my heating unit. From the cheap Walgreens heater to the Sharper Image deluxe full body version. Awesomeness.
10. Finally understanding all the mysteries
I always wondered how women shaved their legs, wore sleeveless turtlenecks, cried for no reason, spent hours painting nails, and even pee. By living amongst these wonderful creatures I can now observe all the wonders in vivo. I’m the next dian fossey!
11. The possibility of playing multiplayer on the wii
Playing wii by yourself kinda sucks. That’s why it’s good to have someone you can play against and crush them in wii tennis and feel good about yourself.
12. Highlight
And finally - I can’t wait til I’m married, cause I know then for the rest of my life, there’s always something to look forward to every day.
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23 Responses to “Why I Can’t Wait Til I’m Married”
Hahaha funny. I need to forward this to the fiance.
haha I just passed this along to my fiance’ 
haha! i’m a new weddingbee reader (since last month when i got engaged) and didn’t even know there was a mr. monkey! i read your other entries and i’ve cracked up at everyone of them! thanks for the laughs!
LOL, that is hilarious!!!! I always thought my FI was the only person who could not reach his back. Now I know better. Thanks for sharing!
i fulfill 5,6,8, and 9 quite nicely, thank you.
again, thanks for making me laugh. your entries never fail to make me do so. cheers to getting married!
mr. monkey, where have you been? would love to hear from you more often. good luck with your upcoming wedding (i’m getting married in sept).
thanks for the laugh — funny to hear a guys perspective on a predominantly female blog.
Hee, hee. Re: #6: true, but I will turn off the alarm clock angrily myself and not bother to wake him up!
#9: I thought the guys were always too hot?
Lovely post! Funny but… true!
i love mr. monkey… and i watch my parents go through the scratching thing for each other all the time!
i don’t know about #4 that marriage provides a tax break–you are probably at the same place as being single if your combined incomes are not that high; if your combined income is high, many married couples can face what is called the AMT (alternative minimum tax). The marriage penalty was taken away from a regular tax standpoint (ie standard deduction and tax brackets), but the marriage penalty remains high and mighty from an amt standpoint.
And unless congress raises the exemption (which they have been doing on a year by year basis) you will be subject to this “marriage penalty”; even if congress raises the exemption, the mfj exemption is not double what the single exemption is. in essence, my mfj tax return will cost me $1,500 more in taxes this year than if i had remained single.
sorry to be such a party pooper but such is the reality,
-your friendly tax accountant
LOL at number 5. it also works with bath soap - mostly because i don’t want a trail of water from the shower to where the soap is stored.
Haha you’re funny…I like the bit about the toilet paper.
ha! my fi called me the “furnace”
This is just too cute.
I think my husband’s furnace is set on high - he’s a bit too toasty for me. All-night snuggles are out of the question!
I’m #8 times a million… always that itch.
funny and very cute!!
oooh, i only wish you’d write more mr. monkey.
Mr. Monkey! You’re back! I’m so glad. My fiance and I love your posts!!
Haha I showed this to Mr Peony and he def agrees with all of these…especially the Wii one!
#12 just made me tear up!
i feel like all guys look for a back scratcher in a girlfriend!! 
Mr. Monkey you are very funny….
Mr. Monkey, New York
Age and Occupation: 27, Internet
Wedding Date: September 2007
Aren’t you just the charmer
haha.