Wedding Blog
I remember reading several magazine articles along the lines of “10 Things You Should Discuss Before Getting Married.” Along with financial status, religious views, and children, health histories is always included in these lists.
Let’s be honest - how many of you have discussed your health histories with your significant other?
It’s not the most romantic topic for sure, and it may even be very uncomfortable depending on your situation. But the fact remains that it’s a critical issue to be approached before your marriage. I mean, you don’t want to save yourself for your husband only to find out on your wedding night that he has a serious case of genital warts. And it can get a lot more serious than that.
Mr. Peony and I are very lucky in that we are both relatively healthy people. Neither of us has ever been seriously ill physically - I’ve never even broken a bone in my life. And while we both come from very large families, none of our relatives have hereditary diseases.
However, I do get worried sometimes. Because (and this is not something I like to share so openly), I suffered from major depression a few years back. Some people say that depression is not a disease, that it’s all in your head. And honestly, that’s what I used to believe too - that only weak-minded people could fall prey to such nonsense. At the time, I really didn’t know what was wrong with me. I would lock myself in my room and cry for hours on end, sometimes not even knowing why I was crying. I would alternate between severe insomnia and sleeping 18 hours straight. In a space of just one month, I would lose 10 pounds then gain it all back again. I was suicidal and kept imagining how much better the world would be if I had never existed.
I won’t bore you with all the details, but I did get better after years of psychotherapy, medication, as well as a lot of prayer. However, I still remain a very sensitive and emotional person and I get scared that I might relapse in the future. I’m also terrified that our kids may become depressed too, because many doctors believe that depression is hereditary.
Mr. Peony is well aware of this dark period in my life. I have expressed my concerns to him, and he is willing to work through it. He says that if it does happen to our kids, we have an advantage because I have been through it - I will know what to watch out for and I will understand what they are going through.
I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone like Mr. Peony, because an ex-boyfriend was not so understanding. In addition, I have an aunt who once rejected a potential girlfriend for her son because her family had a history of breast cancer. She told him that if his wife became seriously ill one day, she would not be able to see him suffer…it would be better to end the relationship than let it become serious. Granted, this was a long time ago and my aunt is from a different generation and culture. But hearing stories like this, I wonder if relationships these days never get the chance to bloom due to family health histories.
Have you discussed your health histories with your significant other? How would you react if you knew that there are blemishes in their health histories?
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Let’s be honest - how many of you have discussed your health histories with your significant other?
uh…if youhaven’t done this, at SOME point in your relationship, you should not be getting married.
Miss Peony, having depression is not a “blemish” on your health history! Many many people go through dark patches in life and if anything it will make you a better partner and parent because you will be better able to empathize with your husband and your children when they go through rough times in their lives!
We have a lot of depression in my family too, Miss Peony. My fiance is well aware - it’s not really a big secret and it would be impossible to hide my brother’s depression anyway. I used to worry that these traits might get passed on to my children, but I have realised that it is a waste of time for me to worry about it. There’s nothing I can do about it except not have any biological children, and that is not an acceptable solution to me. But like you, I know what signs to watch out for and I also recognise that depression is hardly a certain outcome even if you have a genetic predisposition to it.
It’s a different scenario with my fiance. I know his personal health history and a bit about his mother, but it’s very hard to go back further than that. His mother was shunned by her family at age 15 so we have no access to their information (her side of the family are Jehovah’s Witnesses and she chose to leave the religion, so they turned their back on her). And his biological father left his mother when he was just a baby and we have no way of knowing how to even contact him now, not that we’d want to. So I guess we’re taking some chances, hoping there are no major health problems on his side because we have no way of knowing.
It is a bit of weird thing to bring up, but I agree with Miss Corn that it is important to bring up health issue stuff.
A few years ago, after a number of turbulent years, my mother was diagnosed with a mental disorder and like yourself, I have gone through periods of depression. Even though it was hard to tell him, my FI is aware of both of these things and has been an incredible support.
Yeah we discussed them pretty darn thoroughly. Early in our relationship I was going through a lot of illness before a food allergy was finally diagnosed. Health histories were on our minds from the start.
I don’t know how I would react if my significant other had a blemished history. That isn’t the case. However he didn’t run off before we knew what was wrong with me so I hope I would also stand by him.
We’ve talked about this a lot, since I’m honestly a very sickly person (you can see from past posts), and I take a lot of medication for this. He’s pretty healthy, but we talk about our family histories, too. Like parents having trouble conceiving (mine) or parents conceiving on two kinds of birth control (his), or just our different kinds of mental health issues, if any.
I can understand why some people would feel certain issues are better left in the past, things that should not and will not pop up again, though. But anything major- unsteady mental health issues, major illnesses, things like that should be shared, perhaps even for the support only!
I had a friend whose mom had epilepsy- and they didn’t know. At least not until she had a seizure. Some secrets are better left said!
Thank you for talking about your past with us, I know it wasn’t easy!
Talking about health issues is so important and necessary. I used to suffer from colitis a few years before I met my fiance, and I didn’t relapse until a year into our relationship. It was scary for both of us, but because I already told him about it, he was prepared and knew how to help me.
I wouldn’t leave him if his healthy history was bad, but it was important to know so we’re prepared. He also shared me with that his family are blessed with huge snoggins, so everyone on his mother’s side had nose jobs. Including him. After I laughed, I appreciated that he shared that as well. 
thanks so much for sharing your story miss peony! as someone who’s battled depression, anxiety, ocd my whole life, i know that it can be a very serious and debilitating affliction.
but i told mr. bee that i was crazy on our second date and luckily he still married me.
I agree w/ Miss Corn.
thanks for sharing such a personal story, miss peony. i’m glad you realize depression is an illness and that you got help. as for us, we’re both very healthy. however, his parents are in really bad health (ie. stroke, high blood pressure). it does scare me to think he might become this way or our kids will inherit something. i think that is why FI is so health conscience. he’s all about exercising, eating right, no hydrogenated oils, no junk food, etc. thank goodness!
Turtle - that’s hilarious! It reminds me of a discussion I had with my friends a while back regarding the popularity of plastic surgery in Asia. My friend joked, “Man I feel so bad for all the guys in Korea and Japan who marry beautiful girls that end up giving birth to ugly kids!” 
I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for much of my life and I honestly do believe it is a disease - fortunately, I respond very well to medication and live a fairly normal life. My future husband is very aware of my condition, sometimes even more so than I am (sometimes you’re so far in it, you can’t see it yourself). Thank goodness - he works in the mental health field, so he’s really understanding about it.
When it comes to health problems…it is better to have it out in the open.
Two days after the wedding, his father and I went through our geneology computer programs (which are, of course, incompatible), flagging all the diabetics and cancer patients. And if that ain’t fun, what is?
My mother has had breast cancer three times, one of my brothers has type I diabetes, and both sides of my extended family are covered in melanoma. (Pun not intended!) His father was bipolar and killed himself. If those aren’t considered “blemishes” I don’t know what is!
But the thing is, we don’t see them that way. They’re just facts of life, things we have to deal with. And frankly, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was scared off by the fact that I started having mammograms at age 30, and have already had a breast biopsy. Instead, I have someone who sat in that waiting room, the only man in there, and took care of me afterwards.
Is there a chance that one of us, or our future children, will have cancer, or diabetes, or mental illness? Yes. But that’s not nearly enough to keep me from marrying the most amazing, strongest, best person I’ve ever met.
Everyone has blemishes of some sort or another. We’re just lucky to know what ours are ahead of time.
We actually discussed this–in a lighthearted tone, of course–on one of our first dates. Neither of us really come from healthy families, unfortunately. And extra-unfortunately, both our families share many common illnesses–our poor Bluets are going to get a double whammy of some pretty heavy stuff. Let’s see…of the top of my head, we’ve got alcoholism and depression in both families, Alzheimer’s in his, high blood pressure and eye problems in mine, and a bunch of others. But my family also has longevity (I still have three of my grandparents–all in their late 80s and 90s), and (most excitingly!) TWINS. Twins run in alternating generations through my family, and my generation (me and my cousins) are lined up for it! That makes up for all the health problems, imho
I don’t think it’ s possible to have a “blemish” on your health history. Unless you pulled some sort of Jackass-style stunt and were injured, there are no blemishes, just health histories. I’m chronically ill, and my husband has been well aware of this fact since our first few dates, as it’s something I live with every day. He has never been anything but endlessly kind and considerate to me in my illness, and although I know it troubles him, it’s because he’s worried about me, not because he’s worried about our relationship. The only effect my illness has on our relationship is it brings us closer together when he has to take care of me. I’m incredibly lucky to have found a man like my husband, and I’m thankful every day for him.
I believe my fiance rattled off a litany of health problems on our third date. We joked that he was trying to scare me off, but really he meant it to be full disclosure. I come from a pretty healthy family, and I think my Asian parents might be concerned if they knew his history. But they don’t because I haven’t told them: it’s none of their business.
Our relationship has recently become a long-distance one (six months before the wedding!) and I keep having fears that he’s going to be hit by a bus or something. I would be just as nervous if he were healthy as a horse, so I think it’s all in how you look at it :-).
He got an up close personal look at my health when I called him sobbing about having cancer and he joined me at chemo. So luckily we had an easy ice-breaker. He’s shared his with me and I’ve done the same. We’ve even discussed our parents’ health somewhat but nothing too extensive. Like I know his dad was given his last rites or “anointing of the sick” when he fell off a barn (only in the midwest) but he’s fine now. We had a LDR so we had a lot of chances on the phone to discuss this stuff.
We’ve discussed this - we haven’t gone so far as to make a list or chart (although maybe we should before we have children!) - and I’m really glad that we discussed it pretty early on in our relationship. It is definitely one of those uncomfortable/serious topics that makes you feel closer after you’ve had a conversation about it.
Everyone should definitely do it!
I have depression, it’s not something that goes away really - so I work with it every day. Mr. GB knows and loves me despite my ups and downs…. and not only mentally, but I’m also just a randomly sickly creature. I don’t have any relatives that are particularly ill, but I am always on the verge of death. Between random blood diseases, permanently damaged lungs, an irregular heartbeat and doctors always freaking out about me having X in my Y, I’m a walking medical journal.
All in all, I know how to deal with my mental and physical issues and as long as we’re willing to stick it out, it’s a-ok. And now i’ve learned to put sunscreen on his pale, weak pink skin every day!
My wonderful FH nursed me through a six-month relapse of Crohn’s Disease, and now even helps me with my shots. We’ve discussed family health histories thoroughly and there’s nothing that would scare either of us off. It’s so important for everyone to discuss this with their significant other!
Great thought-provoking post, thanks little Miss Peony!
Yes, very thought-provoking post, Miss Peony.
My mother’s side of the family has a long line of hospitalized depression and even one suicide (back at least 4 generations). In 1985 my mom was diagnosed as bipolar, as I was in 1993. My sister has epilepsy and suffers depression as well. We joke we should buy stock in one Rx that all three of us take. Mental illnesses are a neurological condition, not learned behavior and should be accepted and treated as a disease, just like diabetes. We stay on our Rx’s, pay close attention to eachother’s mood swings and just take things day by day.
One of my FI’s last GFs claimed she was bipolar - and learned it from a blood test (impossible, btw). She used that as a crutch in their failing relationship and he shared that info with me. That info made me extremely nervous to share my medical history with him. Once we exchanged the “I love you’s” I felt it was time to fully share my and my family’s medical history. He was very understanding, and still is. We, too, have thoroughly discussed family health histories and we still plan on walking down the aisle in five weeks and one day!
If you’re worried or just want to know of a way to prevent it from coming back, try some simple tests which can show if you are deficient in nutrients that are linked to depression. There is a stong relationship between vitamin b6, 12, folic acid and SAMe deficiency in depression (to name just a few).
SpectraCell’s FIA comprehensive and Metametrix’s Organic Acids test are both great. The first is a lot cheaper and is mostly covered by insurance. But they give you different info. Ask your doctor or if he/she is unable to order them for you, go directly to the lab and find a practitioner near you who’ll test for you… feel free to ask me if you have any q’s. spectracell.com // metametrix.com.
thanks for being so brave in sharing, miss peony! i, too, have struggled with depression, and even though my mom’s a psychiatrist, it was still hard for me to grasp at first (that it wasn’t my fault for feeling so bad). it definitely runs in both sides of my family, at least through a few generations back. as a child of 2 families with a tendency towards mental illness and someone who’s had it myself, i’d encourage you to not worry about your kids, as long as you and mr. peony are on the same page. be loving parents. don’t spend time worrying over something that may or may not be a problem, but be extra prepared (and you especially are, from your own experience) in case it comes up. and then just live your life together and have fun doing so.
[...] have written before about my history of depression. Among the many causes of my depression was my desire to please [...]
Commenting usually isnt my thing, but ive spent an hour on the site, so thanks for the info
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Mrs. Peony, New York
Age and Occupation: 27, Marketing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, QA Engineer
Engagement Date: June 28, 2007
Wedding Date: April 18, 2008
Venue: The Fountainhead
Blogging Since: August 7, 2007
About Me: Both Mr. Peony and I are huge computer nerds, and our conversations usually consist of the latest gadgets, programming languages, and video games. At the same time, I can also be very girly with an obsession with handbags, makeup, and high heels. And art! I've studied studio art extensively, almost majored in art history, and freelance as a web and graphics designer. Mr. Peony and I are having a ball of a time planning a wedding for 250(!) guests, doing our best to infuse our personalities (geeky chic) with the wishes of our very traditional Asian parents.
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