Wedding Blog
“Be realistic.” While most of our friends were excited and supportive of our relationship, that was the candid advice I got from someone when Mr. D and I first considered the possibility of dating. It was that person’s way of saying, “It’s not going to work.” I suppose there were a couple of things that were working against us:
In spite of these arguably stark facts, Mr. D and I really wanted to give it a shot. We had so much going for us…great chemistry, similar interests, a common faith background, our foundation of friendship, and we both wanted the same thing out of a relationship. We trusted that we’d both put in an honest effort to explore whether we were right for each other.
Well, you all know where the story is now! We’ve had a happy four years of dating (yes, THREE of which were long-distance) and can’t wait til next Spring! So how did we make it work?
I’ve already mentioned that Mr. D moved back to the East Coast for one year. That was one key success factor, as it solidified the foundation for our relationship. Having that one year to really learn about each other, how to communicate, etc. was critical. The second year, we both moved to the West Coast - I to Southern California and he to Northern Cali. About a year ago, I moved to the Bay Area, so we’re closer now, but still a few hours away. When I look back though, I think the following things were critical:
What have your experiences been like with long distance relationships? What has or hasn’t worked for you?
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Share this post: How We Made It Work
I too was in a long distance relationship for about 4 years. granted..we were only about 3 hours away. but about 2 years ago he finally moved down to Dallas! WOOT WOOT!
the upside of only being 3 hours apart?
we could drive and see each other.
the downside?
since we could drive and see each other when we wanted, we’d throw caution to the wind and just go. allowing us to lose track of our other priorities.
i totally agree with everything you’ve listed, but i think with each couple there are other variables. if we have a major fight…then we it was a MUST for us to see each other that weekend, whether it was unplanned, to make up. we noticed that though we get over a fight, sometimes we’re really not over it until we see each other. thus..we were lucky to be 3 hours apart.
the great thing about having been in the long distance relationship is that we learn to trust each other but also allow each other their freedom. i’m not as dependent on him as my other friends are on their SO. i’m not needy..maybe not needy enough! haha.
thanks for the great post that other ppl who have been in LD relationships can relate to~
Boy am I glad I’m not the only one thanking our mobile to mobile plan-everyone else laughs at me! 
Oh, and frequent flyer miles! I spent nearly half of our relationship doing engineering internships all over the country. We made it!
It seems like the same things that made your long distance relationship go round fell true for us too!
btw..when my FI and i first started dating in 1998…we didn’t have free mobile to mobile then. his first month’s bill was over 1K!!! the rate plans sucked..pretty much had to pay for every minute used.
i LOVE the plans now!
My FI and I have done the long distance thing twice now - once after only dating for three months (we’d been friends for three years already) and that lasted 10 months, and now, after getting engaged, and it will last a year (only 8 months left!!). The first time around was really difficult - we had to get used to talking on the phone and get over the period where every phone conversation felt the same. After taking a few nights off from talking, things dramatically improved and we made the relationship work over the phone. Then, we only got to see each other every two months - him being on the east coast and me in the midwest, and then him in the midwest and me in Colorado. It was so hard!
This time around, things are a bit easier. We have important reasons that we aren’t together - me to further my education and him to continue working at a job he loves and does exceptionally well with. He’ll build our financial foundation, then he’ll move to where I am and we’ll get married! This time, we’re seeing each other about every four weeks. We talk at least once a day. It’s important to us both right now to do our own things so that when we’re together things will be easier. This may sound weird, but the only time long distance is really hard is when we’re leaving each other after a visit. We’re just used to it now, and we’re such good friends that our relationship works like this.
ooh good post. My husband and I had two years of long distance dating right after college. All of those things you mentioned are key things that helped our relationship work. I especially agree with setting aside time - we talked on the phone every night and that as often one of the best parts of my day, and that way we felt involved with each others lives. We also tried to visit at least once a month. Yes it was an expense but we both worked it into our budget because it was a high priority for us.
One thing to add, that helped us - knowing an end was in sight. This was hard at the beginning but as time went on, he was not happy at his job or the town he was in, and made it clear he was willing to move to my city. He started looking for new jobs, and while that was a long frustrating process, at least we both could look forward to an end of long distance. I’m not sure it would have worked if we had no plans for one of us to move at some point. Everyone is different of course, but this was the case with us.
Just thought I’d share, because I remember how hard long distance was, and how encouraging it was at that time to hear about LDRs that worked out! It can work, if you are willing to make the effort. Best wishes to you Miss Daffodil, anyone else in that situation
For us, it was important to pay attention to whether the relationship evolved past “making it work” to reach of the point of “letting it work,” meaning the relationship wasn’t succeeding only because we were determined not to fail (A-types can do this somehow, only to be rewarded with a ho-hum obligatory relationship), but because it was mature and had a life and heartbeat of its own that could not be stopped, that we were made for each other and life’s inconveniences (geography, time, money) were merely temporary sacrifices.
ohh Mrs. Peach is my name and long distance WAS my game! Mr. Peach and I dated for 7 years before we got married. 6 of those were long distance. (4: Michgain-Boston, 2: Boston- NYC)
I agree, it’s def important at some time to make a commitment to move closer to each other and having some time to live in the same city before marriage was really good (or else we would have driven each other CRAZY when we got married).
good luck to all long-d couples out there. it CAN work!! ^_^
Another piece of technology that can really help is using webcams and a program like Skype to talk to each other and actually *see* each other. We’ve done several stints of long distance, and during the last one we used the webcams and it really helped. It was so nice to be able to check in and see the new haircut, watch the reactions to comments and see the body language. It also helped me catch him if he was playing video games while talking to me (NOT cool!). Commitment is huge; we set aside a certain time to talk and focus on each other because life can so often get in the way if you let it.
I think if you’re right for each other, it’ll work. I was in LD for about a year when it fell apart and I feel that LD allowed me to see that we’re not right for each other, or at least our relationship has to come to an end.
We were long distance for 4 years! I think it’s all about communication, communication, communication. We also would make sure to set aside time to talk every night if we could and visit as often as possible. We also did one other fun thing - a long distance journal. Each time we were apart, one person would have it to write down how they were feeling or what was going on. We would pass it on the next time we saw each other. It’s something I know I’ll treasure forever now that it’s done (and thank GOD for that!).
i’ve been in a LDR with my bf for 3 years now. while it has been hard, we’ve also made it work well. i learned that LDRs are not for emotionally needy people. basically, you have to have a life of your own - do your own thing. you also have to learn to trust and effectively communicate to your s.o.
we don’t visit each other at least every six weeks, but when we do meet up, we always travel to someplace new (i.e., hawaii, nyc, mexico, paris, etc!). this has definitely made our LDR so much more fun!
oh and i agree with shanbrite2 - webcams help a lot!
i moved from my home (all my life, mind you where my entire family lived) to be with my guy 2 states away.
it was *so* *hard* to be in a long distance relationship. only because i missed him terribly. we both trusted each other without any doubts to our faithfulness, so that wasn’t the problem. the problem was, i just missed him so much.
so i moved (he couldn’t, he’s an Airman and he’s stationed here). i was not an independant person but love makes you do crazy things and really, i wasn’t happy without him anymore.
that was back in october, and the wedding is in november
long distance our 1st year actually made our relationship BETTER…because we built a foundation on good communication.
i got so used to long distance that when he finally moved to my city, i was nervous that it would be weird…ha! which it kind of was, but not for too long =).
Sounds like you’ve figured out the keys to success in a LDR! I’m glad you found a way to keep your relationship going strong
My fiance and I actually met online while he was living in upstate NY and I was living in northeast GA. We met in March ‘05, started being serious in September of that year, actually met in person that Christmas, met again the following March (’06), and again that June, before moving into the same city (not cohabitating,though) in August of ‘06.
Our lifesaver, other than the previously mentioned FABULOUSNESS of cellphone plans, was instant messengers. Since that’s how we started communicating, that worked really well for us.
And it’s been really great having this year to get used to being in the same area. Our trips to visit each other were glorious, filled with romance and light and fireworks. But it’s good to recognize that when you live in the same city, it’s not always going to be like that. Sometimes, you might end up sitting on the couch reading a book while he plays X-Box, waiting for the pasta to boil for dinner.
Long-distance does make you work REALLY hard to keep things going and flourishing while you’re apart. It’s good to remember, though, that once you’re not fighting and working for that, the half that used to be easy and glorious is now that part that you’re going to have to work hard to maintain. Living in the same city after the distance thing is sweet as honey, but it’s not any easier, really.
great post! the bf and i have been long distance from the get-go [almost 3 years now!] and you hit it on the nose. we’re both randomly on the same moblie company so all our calls are free anytime during the day, which is nice since i’m on the west coast and he’s in the midwest. we do whatever we can to make sure we’re including the other on our daily lives, we call and let each other know what we’re doing and when we get back and we make time for each other too with a weekly date night, speaking of which its my turn to pick a movie. hmm.
anyway, communication has been KEY for us and the long distance allowed us to develop a very strong foundation of trust and knowledge of each other, since we didn’t have to worry about getting too physcial too fast. we shoot for visits at least 4x a year though we’ve only gotten up to 3x so far because flights are just expensive and he’s finishing up school so money’s tight for him too.
but the end is nearing though so that’s exciting. lauren is definitely right, it’s not for emotionally needy people. we talked about how we’re going to have to adjust to being together once we’re finished with the ld part but that’s something i’m looking forward to.
it’s hard not being with the one you love but it does make those first moments you’re back together oh so awesome 
My fiancee and I were in a LDR for 2+ years - we had the Atlantic between us! He’s from England I’m from MA, and we met while he was here working. When we were apart we’d usually spend 3-4 months apart, and he’d come here for the summers. I think you both have to be individually strong to pull off a LDR, and also you both must be committed. Strong communication is key - especially if you do a lot of talking via email where you can’t tell emotions in text.
One suggestion I’d have for people separated is to get Skype, this free service to use if you have broadband computers. You can actually dial someone’s number on the computer. We just bought $30 surround-sound headphones and use it to talk w/ his friends and family. The sound is /crystal/ clear. Plus it’s FREE if you’re calling from a computer on broadband.
That sounds very similar to our situation! And let me say, webcams are awesome! People made fun of us, but it was so nice to be able to see him.
My fiance and I will, unfortunately, be living apart for the three years FOLLOWING our marriage. The timing is bad — I believe it will be much more challenging living apart after marriage than when we were dating. But he will be doing his radiology residence in Philadelphia, and I will be staying in D.C. for 3 more years to finish up my Ph.D. in oncology. The downside is that we both generally work 7 days/week, so I doubt we will see each other more than every other month.
Well, at least we won’t get tired of each other and get the “three year itch” if we’ve only seen each other roughly 45 days in our entire first three years of marriage!
Great post Ms. D! My SI and I will be on a long distance relationship for the next four years as I head out for graduate school. I’m worried it might not work. I’ll keep your suggestions in mind though.
great post Ms. D! we are starting our 1.5 year LD relationship soon too. my boyfriend is a 3rd year med student, and i am heading out for grad school. the plan is i will go whever he goes for his residency so we can move back together then….so are you doing anything to ensure that Mr. D will be able to match to a residency program where you will be able to get a job? this is one issue that has been worrying us!
Cell phone plans can be your best friend or worst enemy. We chose a plan that allowed us free m2m and nights and weekends, I moved, and then we found out that the historical town I was living in got horrible signal strength and we were locked in for 2 years. So try before you buy.
My fiance and I were friends for ~7 years before we started dating. We went to undergrad and med school together. We only started dating after the residency match. Perfect timing, huh? Hehe, we both says its destiny. So I’m in the midwest and he’s on the west coast. We knew when we started dating that we would be LD for 4 years. At least its only 4 years, not indefinitely, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Like everyone said, communication is key. We try to talk everyday. Unfortunately, we have diff cell phone plans, but we’ve been able to make it work w/webcams (free, w/added bonus of being able to see each other). Talking to him via webcam is the highlight of my day. Residency keeps us tied to the hospital, so during internship, we’ve scheduled visits every 2-3 months. In addition to the light at the end of the tunnel in 4 years, after each visit, I start looking forward to our next visit, planning stuff for us to do. Thinking about and planning our next visit helps to tide me over until it actually arrives. We’re actually planning on getting married next fall. Neither of us happy about the idea of being LD for 2.5 more years after we get married, but we don’t want to put off getting married until we finish residency and are able to live together. In that case it would be as if our jobs were controlling our lives instead of the other way around.
mr. bee and i were long distance for the first 9 months of our relationship. thank goodness it was when jetblue was offering $200 roundtrip tickets from la to ny, because we saw each other once a month practically.
Great post!! It’s so encouraging to know that a LDR can work. All those points are great and i agree w/ you 100%. It gets frustrating at times but i feel that my FI and I are getting closer although we’re far apart (not too far, LA & SF). Thank god for get cell phone plans and southwest!!! we see each other every 2-4 weeks…
My husband and I had it long distance for 1.5 years while I was in Asia and he was in Australia when we were dating. It was tough! But thank goodness for phonecards and nightly 1-hour phone calls. We only saw each other every 3-4 months for a week, so those visits were intense and deeply cherished. And we are now married!
LDR at best is a difficult relationship to sustain. It takes so much trust and willingness to see it through the bad times when you don’t even get to see each other. But i believe that if you can survive an LDR..your relationship can handle a lot of things that life will throw at you.
Thanks for sharing, yall! Webcams, skype, communication communication communication…so key!!
Helene, I totally agree with you that knowing an end was in sight is super important. We definitely knew that we would make every effort to be in the same city when he finished med school. If we didn’t have that to look forward to, I think the uncertainty of it all would have made it really hard!
tiparella, that journal thing sounds SO cool.
and congrats, sarahdoo!
whoa.. reading this is really comforting.. its good to know there are other brides out there who also have/had LD relationships!
me and my FI have been together over 6 years, been in the same city for 2 years and been 4-5 years LD. All this distance, and toss in Hurricane Katrina in there too!
My FI is a 1st year resident now so its hella difficult with his schedule (mine isn’t any better). our cell phone plans totally save our relationship! sometimes we have lengthy conversations over… voice mail messages. yes, its pathetic, but its reality, and until the wedding, it’ll have to do!
thanks for sharing your story, miss daffodil! i’ve enjoyed your posts a lot so far. =)
Hehe…this sounds so familiar. We have a great cell plan. $70/month for both phones with free mobile to mobile. All my friends think we are strange keeping the phone on to “study together” and “sleep together”. Our minutes on our bill is scary!
It’s working though. We’ve been together for 4.5 years with only about 10 months in the same city and the rest long distance. We’re Vegas and LA now and will be Boston and LA in a week. Hopefully in 4 more years, we can end up like you two :o)
Long distance relationships require a lot of trust, and it helps if you start a relationship in the same place, or can live in the same place for a year. Also I think that it is healthier and more equitable if it’s not just one person doing all the visiting or moving for the other.
My fiance is in med school now, and I never was the kind of girl to drop my career to move for a guy, but after 7 years of making it work (3 of which were LD, off and on), we’re committed to keeping the relationship alive.
So I am moving for his residency, but I get a big say in where we go.
Before we both got cell phones, we made it work via phone cards - you can get 1000 mins for $20.
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Mrs. Daffodil, San Francisco/Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 26, Nonprofit Strategy Consultant
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Resident Physician
Engagement Date: December 29, 2006
Wedding Date: May, 2008
Blogging Since: August, 2007
Venue: Church w/ floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the Valley; Westin in downtown LA
About Me: I moved around a lot growing up, but consider myself a Southerner at heart. I love scrapbooking, dancing, doggies, and diet coke. I am all about personalizing everything and hence, I'm a DIY bride who is just loving the entire wedding planning process! Mr. Daffodil and I met in our college fellowship group and were "just friends" for three years before we started dating. We've been together for four years now and can't wait to get married in sunny SoCal, Mr. Daffodil's hometown.
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