As a kid, people teased me about my last name. Cheap shots mostly–nothing creative. And by cheap shots, I mean that they weren’t even very insulting or funny, just lame attempts to play with my unusual last name. And I kind of liked my last name. It’s a bit long (not good for standardized test-taking!), but distinctive. As the years have passed, I’ve come to love my last name. It has a pleasant enough sound to it. It’s memorable. It fits me.
I always expected to change my last name to my spouse’s. I mean, I didn’t think much about it really, but that’s what happens, right? Maybe it’s because of my six years at an all-girls school during those formative middle and high school years, but now I have certain hesitations. It’s not that I don’t want to take on his last name, but it’s hard to think of “losing” mine. I was surprised when I first brought this up to Mr. Peppermint and he had objections. It was sweet to see how important it was to him–not in a macho sort of way, but because it would mean I was his wife.
Another consideration was how this would effect my professional life. I’ve been working in the same field for over ten years and I don’t want to struggle to redefine myself. It’s weird to talk about it in those terms, but it is something worth thinking about. And moreover, my last name is a bit less common.
After lots of thought, here’s what I’ve come up with (I say this as if it’s something completely original): professionally I will maintain my last name while personally I’ll take on Mr. Peppermint’s. This way I don’t feel like I’m losing my identity, but more importantly I’ll symbolically be joining my life with Mr. Peppermint’s where it counts: personally.
What do you guys think? Does it make sense to take on your husband’s last name in this day and age?
I am actually taking my future husband’s last name, but there are many personal factors to make it ok for me. The first is that…it’s been a really long time since I’ve shared a name with anyone! My brother are technically half brothers and have their father’s name. My mother remarried many years ago and has my stepfather’s name. So when it comes to last names…it’s just me. I thought it would be nice to share my name with my husband and kids (making my maiden name my middle name).
The second thing is that I’m only 26 and new to my field and haven’t really created a professional name for myself. Unlike my friend, who has taught and written articles under her maiden name…I don’t have anything in my professfional life that would be disrupted by the name change.
The third reason is my last name is short and common, while my first is much more distinct. People know me by my first name (not like Seal or Madonna or something)….but I’m losing less of my identity by changing last names that other people might.
i am not taking my future husband’s last name. we both are from different cultural backgrounds and my short, sweet, and ethnic last name is a defining characteristic of who i am. plus, i don’t want to have any “donna chang” moments a la seinfeld!
my fiance is fine with this as long as our children have his last name, which i think we’re going to compromise with a mix of using my last name as a middle name. i don’t dig the hyphenated last name thing. just too bulky.
i can’t wait to take my fiance’s last name..only thing is..he likes the way my name sounds together. not only that, his last name is a made up last name. his grandfather made it up when the family immigrated because it was not safe for them to be known what nationality they were. so no one else has this last name but his family. this kind of rubs him the wrong way…but i told him either way, i want to be one with him and share the same last name.
I’m taking my FI’s last name…we’re both a bit traditionalist, and I have no qualms about it “career-wise”. Plus, I’m tired of people ALWAYS asking how to pronounce my last name…it gets kind of annoying after 24 years, ya know? 
Plus I’d feel like we’re really a team together if we have the same last name. I can’t wait!
My last name is 12 letters and his is 10 letters. I’m pushing for making up some new, easier to spell, shorter last name (his is also only a family name about 2 generations back when his family came to the states). I think I’m going to lose this battle and just end up taking his name.
I’m in the same boat. I work in public relations and the people and reporters I work with know me by my last name because it’s so unique. At home, I’m fine with changing it but like you, at work, my last name means credibility … and I don’t want to lose that!
Good decision!
It was never a question to me that I was going to take my finance’s name…..until recently (we are 9 days from our wedding now).
I want us to have the same name–as a family. When I take our pets to the vet, everyone gets confused that my name is different than his and the pets (they all have his last name :)).
Recently I’ve been seeing that my maiden name is important to me in my career. So, I’m going to just “delay” changing my last name professionally. I’ll start easing it into my emails and phone calls as I feel ready. Legally and personally, I will change it right away. I figure this way, everyone else will get used to it, as I get used to it myself.
Hey E!
My fiance’s name is fake as well - created by his grandfather when he left his home country. It’s sort of disappointing to lose that sort of heritage, but apparently it’s fairly common when people were fleeing their homes for a variety of reasons.
I just wanted to comment on something that bugs me. Whenever one of the bees does a name change post, a lot of commentors jump in to say that they are changing their name since they want to be a family/team/share the same last name, etc.
Just like you don’t need a ring to be engaged or married, you don’t need to take your husband’s last name to be more of a family! Heck, if you want to have the same name as a family, why don’t you ask him to take your name?
Is your husband’s last name shorter? If you want to be an actress, maybe a shorter name would benefit you more….at least that is how most actors/actresses names are….the shorter the better. That’s how I would base my decision.
I’m not sure if this is a tradition shared elsewhere, but I saw it hinted in the posts here. I am Filipina, and in my family, the girl loses her middle name (which was her mother’s maiden name), her maiden name becomes her new middle name, and she takes on her husband’s name. And, when there are children in the future, the children have the mother’s maiden name before the family name. It’s like blending the two names. I’ll still have my last name… plus his!
Kudos to Chrissie. The practice of changing your last name stems from the days when your husband owned you and could beat you as long as the stick wasn’t thicker than his thumb. We are our own women now. No dowries required.
Trust me. By sharing a last name with my husband, he by no means owns me.
If we were to sit down an analyze the whole thing - weddings in general are nothing but hundreds of years of antiquated traditions supporting that women are inferior and thus owned by men.
Take the practice of the engagement ring. Nothing more obnxious than showing that a man forked over a couple of grand to “woo” to in to marriage. If that doesn’t scream buying a girl for a couple of cows, than I don’t know what does.
We should just be glad that in this day in age - that we have the CHOICE to determine whether we take a name or not.
Amen to Chrissie! Please don’t denigrate those who choose not to take their husband’s last name as somehow less committed to marriage. It’s so insulting. My fiance is peeved that I’m not taking his last name. The whole family, one union argument was brought up. But it never occurred to him that perhaps he should take my last name. I think the only valid argument is for the sake of tradition. In my case, I come from a culture where the woman retains her maiden name, so tradition doesn’t work for me either.
You can go either way, no right or wrong answer. Personal choice. There are no legal barriers to any choice (so long as it’s not fraudulent).
I will mention that my sister uses his last name personally and her last name professionally and it is a PITA to her, to the point where she’s ready to pick just 1 last name for everything. So… choose wisely and be prepared to put up with some hassles if you are committed to alternating between both last names.
I TOTALLY agree with the last few women.
As a bride to be ( wedding aprox. 14 months away) and also as a woman who never dreamed of the big day as a young girl, I find myself asking about my own family customs as well as the customs of the culture we all live in.
I’m still mulling over the name change thing and while my first thought was to hypenate - now I’m not so sure. I don’t want to lose my original name but I want to take his and I don’t want people to get the wrong idea if they were to hear my hypenated last name (to many including me- hypenated names sound a little suspect)
I have a friend who demands if and when she gets married to have it Vegas-style and she cannot understand why women in this age still have their fathers giving them away!
My father will be giving me away - the fiance and I respect traditions - he did ask for my hand and my e-ring is my mother’s engagement diamond (nevermind that we’ve been living together the past few years - see? modern!) but we are also going to create our own traditions for both us and the family.
But along all this wedding planning and research on the wonderful internet (however did brides do it before the web??)and reading many forums on the subject….why are we still choosing to honor something that is really outdated? Why haven’t weddings and marriages evolved?
E - has he thought about taking your last name instead? Not many people consider this, but there are two names to choose from when the main goal is simply ending up with the same family name! Plus, he likes how yours sounds and doesn’t like his own “made up” name.
My fiance’s willingness to take my last name if I asked is actually one of the major reasons why I’m planning to take his. It may be an old-fashioned custom but I know he’s not an old fashioned guy. Plus, he’s not insisting on it; I’m choosing it, and that makes a big difference!
I JUST got back from getting our wedding license, and I was sort of kicking and screaming about changing my last name, but relented and decided to take my fiance’s last name.
When filling out the paper work I actually got misty.
I’m going to blame pms here a tad…but its weird to give up a name I’ve had all my life.
Mr. GB doesn’t have a leg to stand on - his mother didn’t take his father’s name. that combined with traditionally, koreans don’t take the name of their husbands…
Our vet sends letters to us under my last name. Robert Kim. hah!
I have the rather odd situation of planning to change both my names. My current surname is Irish O’…. and my first name is Helen. I like the lilt that the O’ gives the boring simplicity of my name.
My FI’s name is english, two syllables and simple. As my MOH said, when you put my name with his, it sounds like a tennis ball hit wrong that just hits the tarmac with a thud. So I’ll be taking his last name, but changing my name to Helena to give me the lilt that I like, but the satisfaction of tradition and togetherness that name-taking involves.
What do you think?x
personally, i think it’s an outdated and antiquated tradition. it was intended to signify who “owned” the women back when women were considered chattel. the inequity in it all and the common practice of women taking their husband’s name without real reflection to what it means and what it signifies baffles me (don’t mean to be insulting as i have many, many g-friends whom i love who’ve done this). however, following tradition does make things easier. it was quite tough when going through our invite list to figure out our friends’ names - did this friend take her husband’s name or not, did he take hers, what was his name, since she kept hers, etc. i believe in toronto they have made it much easier by enforcing a common tradition - they don’t allow anyone to change their names, so all women keep their names after marriage. i prefer that method (despite my inclination towards limited gov’t).
there are many, many options - i’ve had friends who melded their two names - e.g., Anderson + Smith = Andersmith; other friends have kept their respective names, but given their children her name; he’s taken her name; etc. we have a several pronged compromise, but a couple of points are him changing his middle name to my last, my changing my last (only in my personal life) to his last, so at least we have to go through the pain of paperwork together.
good luck with your decision process. i think it’s a challenging one with significant challenges.
oops - meant to say “it’s a challenging one with signficiant consequences.”
go femmebots go!
lol - I agree Natalie
YEA femmebots!!
all the comments reminded me of a maureen dowd column about women’s ideals and how it’s changed so much from generation to generation.
check out the section on “ms. versus mrs.”
very interesting…
Different strokes. I’m keeping my last name. I like my name and I don’t see any reason to change it. FI is keeping his last name for the same reason. But I have feminist friends who stunned me by taking their husband’s last name. Personal decision for every person - so you should do whatever feels right for you. Change your name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock if you want to - that’s the beauty of choice!
So I totally agree with many of you girls! Fiance actually assumed that I would be taking his name and when I told him I didn’t know yet that I just didn’t feel like it, he was quite upset…. I have emotional as well as practical and aesthetic reasons for having difficulty with this choice:
#1-My father has 3 sisters, he is the only son and he had 2 daughters, so no one to carry on his name which is quite common but I still love it
#2- In my culture women don’t lose their maiden names they just add their husbands name to theirs as a second last name, all Hispanics have two last names, therefore the kids have both their parents last names as well
#3-My first name starts with the same letter as my future husbands last name and it sounds kind of weird, I like the sound of my name much better, however hyphenated it sounds pretty good
#4 - I haver that identity, independence problem a lot of girls that have commented here have as well, I just feel like its outdated and not fair!
#5 - I am an attorney and it is sort of a PITA to get all those documents straightened out as well as remembering what was in your last name vs. your new last name, I just don’t really want to dea with it
Miss P– Good idea. I guess your SAG name could be Maidenname while your legal name would be your husband’s. That way if you become a celebrity you would already have a pseudonym to hide from the paparazzi.
My fi actually just made a comment the other day that since he never calls me by my last name, why should he care what it is?
I think at this point it should just be a matter of practicality - there are good practical reasons to change (kids and parents with same name makes international traveling/taking kids from school/emergency hospital decisions easier) and good reasons not to (professional recognition, allowing people from your past to find you easier).
A family is not made by having the same last name, a family is made of love.
I think, in the end, life would be easier if everyone got to make whatever choice they wanted, but then not be offended if someone forgets what your choice was and refers to you by the wrong name.
For me, it did…I am a traditionalist in most cases. Believe me, it was HARD to “lose” my maiden name–it was part of me and friends almost always called me Kari K—– (I think the aliteration helped). 
As a teacher, I think the change will be mostly quick and I see so many students with hyphenated names and I never would have “done that” to my own future children, you know? I like that we’ll be easily identified as a family, thanks to a shared last name.
But I TOOOOOTALLY understand the professional implications. A good friend of mine got married and will be using her maiden and married names, no hyphenation. Thisis because she’s published and will continue to be in her field and she wants both names. She could have left it off entirely, but I think wanted that piece of being traditional, too.
I am having a struggle with changing my last name. I have had my name for 27 years, and it is who I am!! However, it is incredibly important to my fiance that I change it, and so we have come up with a solution: I will now be First Middle Maiden His. I am not hyphenating the two last names, so I will now have two middle names. It is a solution that works for both of us.
Miss. Peppermint, I can completely relate to your post. I too have a very unusual last name (I’m half Nigerian) that no one could ever pronounce plus it starts with a “U” which you hardly ever see. But over the years, I started to appreciate the name for its uniqueness and for cultural reasons. With all that said, I have always planned on taking my future husband’s name, even as a child, so this decision is pretty simple but I am starting to get a little nostalgic but I am excited about taking on his name because of his family background and history.
Former Miss. Brooks: Your last post is spot on. If someone is going to criticize one aspect of marriage you might as well look at the overall package. Funny thing isn’t it? And yes, we should be fortunate that we have a CHOICE which is the most important aspect.
For those who believe that taking on their fiance’s name is symbolic of male ownership, do you believe the same is the case for your maiden name? When you think about it in that respect, your maiden name is your father’s, not mother’s, name.
for professional and personal reasons, my aunt has legally not changed her name, but is socially known as the mrs.
i see no problem in what you’re planning to do. it makes sense for you professionally. but socially, you, of course, will want to be known as your children’s mother with the same last name as well as your husband’s wife. so i guess you just have to decide which one you want as your legal name. that may have more implications if you want to file taxes together and whatnot… but i’m no expert, so you may be just fine without changing your name altogether. i do hope mr. p is understanding of your decision and supports it.
If you’re not sure what to do about your name, don’t change it. You can always change it after the wedding. You can try out different names in your personal email for months or years until you decide what you like.
Going by different names professionally and personally is a total PITA, but maybe it’s worth it to you. But be warned.
Kris: I like your post, and I wouldn’t call it an “indentity, independence problem.” I don’t think there’s any problem at all. Just choices. Choices are always better than a lack of choices.
I wrestled with this one, too. In the end, my DH (of 19 days! :)) felt so strongly about wanting me to have his last name that I agreed. My legal name is First Maiden HisLast — no hyphens! I’m going by First Maiden HisLast professionally. Socially, I don’t mind being known as First HisLast, but I plan on introducing myself as First Maiden HisLast.
I’d love to see stats on how women tackle this issue these days.
I have known a number of women who tried to keep their maiden name professionally while changing their legal name, and, as pp have said, it’s a real pain. I actually think it’s easier to keep your maiden name across the board and explain it to everyone, than it is to switch back and forth. Paychecks, passport, corporate credit cards in one name and then business cards and resumes in the other? Very confusing, in a frustrating red tape kind of way.
I don’t buy the family argument either, to be honest. The people who argue that a woman should take her husband’s name in order that they and any kids would have the same name don’t seem object when she marries again and thereafter has a different name from her children. You always know who your family is, and children know who their parents are.
DH didn’t have an opinion what I did, which was nice. I chose to take his last name legally, and keep mine professionally (I’m now First Middle Maiden HisLast) for a bunch of different reasons. It is a PITA, as others have said, and I’m not sure what I’d do if I had the choice all over again. (I’m half way through the paperwork/ID process, so no, I don’t want to “go back” at this point.) I have to admit, part of my motiviation for taking his MUCH shorter name was stupid: I had a hard time signing my long Japanese name on the small credit card slips…dumb, yeah?
Oh, tip: (this came from our judge’s (officiant) secretary) ask if you can sign the license/certificate/official document BEFORE the ceremony, and fake sign it for the pictures at the ceremony. A lot of times, brides get nervous, she said, and forget what they decided to change their names to, and sign their old names…and if you screw up the legal document, you have to go through the whole process all over again (a big PITA for everyone involved). I would totally do that…I nearly messed up my HR docs at work when I changed over my paycheck/insurance - the very first time I signed my “new” name!
I changed my name to First Middle Maiden His, legaly (no hyphen). Professionally I use my maiden name. Like the previous poster says, it will probably be a PITA, but I wanted to keep my maiden name professionally since my pubs are in that name. We’ll see how things work out.
What influenced my decision was when my FIL told me I was the first Mrs. Married last name, since his mother died (he had no idea I was struggling with this decision). DH is an only child so I am the only female with that last name in the family since FIL had sisters who all changed their names and MIL changed her name after the divorce. That seemed important enough for me.
I’ve been struggling with the idea of changing my name as well. My current last name is fairly long and has a lot of history behind it. We come from a small town where my ancestors helped build the community so when I tell people my last name, they automatically know who I am and who I’m related to. I like that. Unfortunately my dad had 4 daughters and no sons, and I’m the last one to get married. I’m also the last one to keep the name going (my uncles also had only girls).
But in the end, I’m a traditionalist and I love the idea of taking my husband’s last name. There is no “owning” here, I just want the family that we build together to have 1 last name. After 6 months of thinking about it, I’m going to add my maiden name as a middle name and take my fiancé’s last name as my last name.
Wow — this seems to be a hot topic. I plan to do JUST what you are doing. I too have established a career with my maiden name (see my “better together” post: http://tinyurl.com/2meyjs), but most certainly want to share a “family” name with my husband and my children. I think it’s a great plan! Go us.
Hi,
I have been struggling with this issue as well! I’m not sure if I’ll hyphenate or take his name, but I’m pretty sure I won’t keep just my last name, even though I dearly love it!
One motivation to my uncertainty on keeping my maiden name is that my mom kept her maiden name when i was growing up and, as a child, it gets very hard when people keep thinking your parents are divorced! Also, people never seem to remember her last name and get uncomfortable when they can’t seem to grasp the right name.
I also asked my parents one time why mom decided to keep her maiden name and while I had always thought it was professional reasons and family reasons (1 of 3 girls and no one to continue the name), my dad also answered very quickly “I fell in love with Ms. Maiden name not Ms. Married name” which I found very sweet!
After reading some of the posts above I’m starting to see the idea of First Middle Maiden His making sense to me.
I will be doing the same as you! Keeping my name professionaly but adopting my fiancé’s for everything else from driver’s licence and credit cards. It’s also practical for us because we will not need to change all our mortgage papers and pay any additional notary public fees. Yay!
I kept my maiden name professionally, and changing my middle name to my maiden name and adopting my husband’s last name legally. But I have to warn you - it gets confusing at times, especially if you have corporate credit cards in your maiden/professional name! Good luck!
[...] Name Change by Miss Peppermint [...]
ON THE COMPLICATIONS INVOLVED IN KEEPING TWO SEPARATE NAMES, ONE FOR PROFESSIONAL AND ONE FOR PERSONAL/LEGAL/FINANCIAL
I am an academic and plan to continue publishing as well as doing consulting. Initially for career and feminist ideals formed in childhood, I planned not to change my name. Then my husband (whose family was separated many times and who really idealizes the nuclear family idea) convinced me to change it and go First Middle Maiden HisLast. So I started that process.
When I announced that I was going to change my name, every female member of my usually-standoffish department found a way to chat with me to convince me not to do this, I began to reconsider. I had three papers about to be submitted and still had time to get back to editors on others, so I had to decide fast - and decided to keep my maiden name for professional purposes. To please my husband, and keep things simple and traditional for our family, I kept going with the legal name change. I would thus use my maiden name for professional and married name for personal/legal/financial purposes. I changed it on my social security card, my drivers license, and my school and student health insurance records. Since I am employed by my school as well, I changed it in the H.R. system.
Just when I thought I had it all figured out, the PhD director of my department asked me to come speak with her. She said that if I want to get my diploma and file my dissertation with my professional (maiden) name, then I need to be registered under my maiden name as well. The tricky thing is that as a student, my employment is also tied to this registration system.
So if I want to use my maiden name professionally and get my PhD in my maiden name, I need to get my graduate student instructor paychecks and health insurance with that name as well!
Seems to me that it is all or nothing for me! UNLESS I am allowed to receive paychecks under a name different than the one I use to file taxes (the one on my social security card).
What a mess. I think it’s terrible that the University of California system hasn’t figured how to deal with this yet. It is entirely archaic that only women have to figure this out, and that it’s like a new problem every time, as if nobody else before us would dare speak of it.
Can anybody tell me if I can get paid under a different name than my SSN card has?
Miss Peppermint, LA/Palm Springs
Age and Occupation: 23, Actress
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Web Producer
Engagement Date: October 21, 2006
Wedding Date: December 2007
Blogging Since: July 2, 2007
Venue: historic estate overlooking the heart of Palm Springs
About Me: I am a Southern California native who enjoys cooking, writing, travel and all things in the arts. Mr. Peppermint and I met in college and he proposed on our four year anniversary in one of our most special places, Joshua Tree National Park. We're having a destination wedding in Palms Springs that will incorporate tradition as well as reflect our personalities!
which one will be your legal name?
i’ve been thinking a lot about this myself. i have a long and difficult to spell/pronounce irish name and fh has a long and difficult to spell/pronounce indian name. so, using both at the same time is impossible. my name looks/sounds better w/ my last name and he doesn’t care, so i’m not changing anything legally. but i don’t plan to really correct people.
i feel like this ends up being the same thing you plan to do b/c your professional name should probably be your legal name (i have enough problems getting all my tax forms filled out correctly as it is…)