Wedding Blog
Hi,
Please help me! I am desperate. I got engaged in March 2007, and we informed all of our attendants that our wedding would be September or October 2008. My best friend/MOH always said if and when she got engaged, her dream was to have her wedding in the spring. Then my MOH got engaged in mid July 2007, and immediately started saying how she wanted to get married Columbus Day weekend 2008 (October). My fiancé and I ended up booking September 5, 2008; my MOH started saying she wanted August, and ended up picking a date 2 weeks before mine!
I cannot financially plan my wedding (my fiancé and I are paying completely) and be a bridesmaid in hers as well. When she needs help I have been more than accommodating, but she is never available to help me with my wedding. She already mentioned she will not attend my bachelorette party since she cannot afford it. I have given her the option to back out of being MOH, by saying that I understand that she has a lot on her plate and maybe she would like to just be a bridesmaid instead. But at this point I just don’t want her at all.
What do I do? My fiancé is very upset and said he’d prefer if she weren’t a MOH. I am desperate and don’t know what to do!
M
|
Share this post: Open Question: Stepping Down As MOH
my MOH won’t be coming to my bachelorette party, didn’t plan a shower, and hasn’t done any of the “traditional” duties..and i couldn’t be happier with her. The only real duty for a MOH is to be a great friend on the day of the wedding (in my opinion). I bet if you started conveying that sentiment to her, you both would be much happier with her in that role. She’s your best friend after all!
Unfortunately, I don’t know that Katie’s situation is the norm. My MOH and I had a similar order of engagement, order of wedding situation, although further apart. I know that my friend certainly didn’t feel like Katie, and I sort of do, but really wish she were available to discuss things without them winding up in her wedding!
I’m a bit confused on your situation, maybe you could explain more. If you aren’t going to be even a BM in her wedding because you can’t afford it, why is it a problem that she can’t come to your bachelorette? I know that sometimes people act crazy with weddings, etc. so maybe there are other things going on with her, but if she can’t afford it, just as you can’t, it would seem you need to be as understanding as she was (?) when you said you couldn’t go.
As for your FI’s opinion, you have to remember that this is your friend and asking her not to be a part of the wedding will likely end your friendship. So, while he might be annoyed, you’re the one that wil have to live with the decision. (Kicked it around myself, so I feel for ya!)
I’m rather in the same situation with a friend of mine. I’ll be taking all advice given here as well.
It’s a tough question, one that I’ve talked about with my FI, mom and FMIL/FSIL’s. There’s no right solution.
It sounds like there is more going on than her just not being available - are you upset that she is ’stealing your thunder’ by choosing a wedding date just before yours? Is something else going on with your friendship outside of wedding planning? I think you two need to really sit down and talk - about your friendship, support you need with planning the wedding, and what roles you can play (whether in the wedding party or not) to enjoy your friendship during such an exciting and happy time in both of your lives.
Personally, this doesn’t sound like a best friend. She knew your approximate time of your wedding and she seems to be determined to get married before you. I don’t know what the whole story is, but it sounds like she is either not to bright or trying to upstage you. If I was getting engaged after someone, I would choose around the date of the other - even if it was just a month after yours.
In fact, my FI and I are going to a wedding for a friend of his in September (he’s in it) and we’re getting married in October (his friend is in ours). I also called them up to make sure that was okay that we were getting married so close to theirs.
It just seems what friends would do.
I found myself in a similar situation. My MOH got engaged about a month after I did and set a date before I had a chance to, choosing one a few weeks before we were planning. Her family is paying for her entire wedding; while my fiance and I are funding ours ourselves. I asked her to step down as MOH and be bridesmaid, because I knew that those crucial weeks before my wedding she would be getting married and gone on a honeymoon, and I needed dependability. She was understanding, and willing to take the title bridesmaid instead.
This situation did not stop her from asking me to be her MOH. I explained to her the situation, reminding her of the financial burdens involved that I wouldnt be able to cover. She offered to pay for my dress and has family throwing a bridal shower for her, leaving just the planning of a bachelorette party.
Make sure you talk to her about it, she needs to know how you feel about it!
I am having trouble with one bridesmaid and I have decided that whatever this wedding brings up for her has little to do with me, and that I want to retain our friendship–so I have focused on the good of her and not the negative…it’s hard when so many other friends have been so much more excited for us and open to being a part of our time together.
I think you give her an out, if she doesn’t take it you try to focus on your friendship and know that even if she “stepped down” she would still be your best friend (I imagine, or you wouldn’t have chosen her) and that any replacement would know that anyway. So just count on your bridal party to do the MOH type stuff and keep the peace. Unless, like others said- there is way more going on and there is little peace to be kept.
good luck. weddings make people strange.
You initially chose your MOH for a reason…she must be a close or best friend. The fact that she now is engaged and getting married closer to your wedding date is one thing.
I would be completely honest and talk to her. After all, you guys are friends right? Friends stick together through thick and thin. If she’s not understanding, than that’s her loss. I think if you honestly communicate with her (face to face if you can) then it’ll be good instead of holding it in and being upset or lose a friendship.
I agree with Katie. As far as I’m concerned, as long as my MOH is standing at the end of the aisle (wearing the right dress and smiling), she’s done her job and I’m happy. The only thing I want from her is to stand next to me as I make the most important commitment of my life.
Honestly, if she is your best friend…she should be your maid of honor. Not because she is needed, required to , or expected to perform certain duties. Just because she is your best friend…that’s it.
Your best firend (or anyone for that matter) should not have to put their life on hold, or pick a more suitable date just because you are getting married. Life is too short to do that.
Hmm. I agree with Katie, pretty much exactly. But on a slightly different topic - the engagement order vs. wedding order - do people really get upset about these things? I mean maybe it does seem a little off, her planning order. But just because someone gets engaged after another, and ends up getting married before, does not mean they are trying to upstage the other.
In my case, I got engaged Dec and had always dreamed of a spring wedding but did not want to wait over a year to get married (for a number of complicated reasons including our living situations). Instead, we ended up with a short engagement so we could get married in June. This meant we got married before a number of friends, and my brother, who all got engaged before us. We were NOT trying to upstage any of them! In fact one reason we got married that weekend was because we had so many other weddings to plan around, along with other summertime commitments. I was contemplating a winter wedding but knew I really wanted a spring one.. so after looking into venue availability, when it appeared we would be able to pull it off in 6 months, we just did it - because that was the right time for us. Had nothing to do with wanting to be the first married.
Just wanted to point out that these things happen for completely innocent reasons, for those who get upset over their friends getting married first… I would hate to find out that anyone of our friends thought this. But I think they are all good enough friends, and seemed good natured about it when we told them our date, that it wasn’t an issue. Honestly if we could have added a few extra months we would have, and it would have been easier - but it just didn’t work with all the Aug/Sept weddings and other schedule conflicts. Just thought I’d share… maybe it will make you feel a bit better about your friend’s own planning timeline.
i agree with katie, kat and kerry.
i don’t think she’s trying to upstage you. and i don’t think her wedding plans should have to revolve around yours.
to an outsider this sounds like a petty email and i’m shocked you’d want your BEST FRIEND completely out of your wedding party because of such silly reasons! no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. seriously. let it become your mantra… lol!
if she’s your best friend, why can’t you let her be MOH and let the bridesmaids who are available help plan your b party and showers and such? what’s the big deal? being MOH isn’t a job in which you should get fired from. who takes that role so seriously?
my nearest and dearest friends were my bridesmaids. they had no other job than to stand by me on my big day as i became a mrs. they all have lives, jobs, relationships which don’t revolve around me and i wouldn’t expect them to.
be each other’s support during this time. it could be such a fun way to become better friends since you’re both about to have such an amazing year coming up! be happy for each other instead of pointing fingers. this should be such a happy time for you both!
i think the problem may be that many brides feel that it’s “their” day and that everyone should be available at all times to help out. my friend who is getting married has expected me to help out with every stage of hers, yet if i ask help with mine, she is too busy. (i’ve spent the last few weekends doing her wedding things, when really i should have been doing mine!)
all i really want is for my best friends to be standing beside me. i don’t expect them to really help out. i wish more brides were like this. it would make everything tons easier on the bridal attendants.
ask her to be a regular BM, since she isn’t going to be in town for all those last minute vital things.
I agree with Kerry and if that is the case, the MOH is just doing what she has to do, BUT she has chosen a date more than a year from now (so not totally convenient) and within weeks of another person. My sister got married earlier this year, but it was in MARCH 2007 and they planned it in 3 months. I was one of her bridesmaids and it was fine.
In the end, M should just talk to her MOH about it (I myself had MOH problems that were only solved by talking it out).
Its easy to say that you only want them to be at the end of the aisle when you are saying I do but the MOH title is more than that and each MOH should be told what is expected of them BEFORE they say they accept the job - or make sure if the MOH can’t do it, the the BMs know it and will pitch in. I would think most BMs look at the MOH to head things up.
I just had a MOH, and all she had to do was show up in a pretty dress and smile. Are you doing a lot of DIY type stuff that you will need her help with?
Also, I am unclear on whether she asked you to be in her wedding. If she did (and you want to), I think it’s totally feasible that you set a little bit of your wedding $ away each month to help cover those costs. If if helps, place the money in a separate high interest account. After all, you have over a year to save up!
Honestly, if I were the bride and happened to see this I would be devastated. Clearly you aren’t thinking about how your BEST FRIEND might feel about the comments that have been made, and you sure don’t indicate that you are best friends. Be happy for your friend, you’ve both found the guys of your dreams and are getting married.
I’m with Katie and some of the other posters. Personally, I think the duty of an attendant is just to stand up there for the bride during her big day. I really didn’t ask much of my bridesmaids during my wedding. My mom, husband and I did all of the DIY projects and my bachelorette party was really simple (my bridesmaids cooked dinner at one of their houses and we just relaxed and hung out and watched movies). I was just happy for them to be there on my wedding day.
I think rather than potentially ruin your friendship, I would just let her off the hook for the big duties— I know you are bummed about her choice of a wedding date, but she does have a lot on her plate! Just have her stand up there for you on the wedding day, as your best friend. Could you tone down your bachelorette party so she could afford it? Maybe a simple dinner out or a night in?
I wanted to add, there are so many factors that go into choosing a wedding date: schedules of the bride, groom & immediate family, busy times at work, amount of vacation time, big family obligations, and many more. I really don’t think her switch from the spring to late summer was something meant to steal your thunder.
I agree with Katie 100%. My MOH hasn’t planned a bachelorette party, a shower, etc, but I’m perfectly okay with it. All I want is for her to be next to me my wedding day.
Ok, I must be in the minority here because I would be angry. If my best friend chose a date two weeks before mine I would at least hope that she would keep her promise of being a good MOH. I think you need to sit down with her and tell her that
a) you were initially upset by her date choice, but understand that it’s her choice
b) that you have certain expectations for a MOH and that if she cannot fulfil them you need her to step down to bridesmaid.
It’s unfair to put the burden on you and the rest of your wedding party if she cannot do what was promised.
I hope you can come to an agreement. Good luck!
I agree with just about everyone’s comments.
It seems as though some brides consider their bridal party as their personal assistants. In fact, the bridal party has no other duties than to show up at the wedding wearing the attire that the bride picked out. There is no rule that says the bridal party has to coordinate the bachelorette party or be present at every fitting or every party. Sure, if your bridal party wants to participate in that way to show support, that’s all the better. But nobody is required to wait on the bride hand and foot for the entire engagement.
That brings me to another point. You get ONE DAY. It’s not as if you get to “claim” the time period from the moment your fiance pops the question to the day of your wedding. Other people are going to have their weddings and engagements during that time. I find it a bit ridiculous that some brides think they can claim months as “theirs.”
I agree w/ the Katie group. Be there for each other. This can be a very happy time in your friendship or it can drive you apart if you let it.
If you are both strapped for time/money, talk about it and call a “truce” to committing time/money to each others’ weddings beyond the bare basics in the interest of mutual bridal sanity. Maybe you have similar taste and can share some decorations and supplies?
Wow, I’m suprised by the majority of the comments. As a bride that got engaged after a friend, I didn’t even consider picking a date that was within two months of hers. My reasons were
#1) I wanted my schedule to be fairly open so that I can help her with her wedding
#2) We have mutual friends and I didn’t want to overload their finances and schedules with all back-to-back wedding activities
#3) I’m a firm believer that all brides should have their time to feel special
As for asking my MOH to step down - I would never do that even if all she was able to do was show up for the wedding. However, I do agree with the above comments that say that it sounds like the two of you seem to have some hidden issues you need to hash out.
I think in the end, this should be taken on a case-by-case basis. There are many factors in date making like Kerry said and we are probably jumping to conclusions. But, I think that if some of us are quite honest here, we all say she should talk it out with her MOH - if she is her best friend, they’ll talk it out. If her MOH isn’t even willing to talk about it, then maybe her “BFF” doesn’t feel that they have that kind of relationship.
If you care about somebody, you’re gonna try to figure these things out BUT, you have to let them know that there is something wrong to begin with.
It might not be the case but I think the MOH in question seems to really be trying to upstage the question asking bride.
The MOH switched dates whenever the bride switched dates and always BEFORE not after. There’s also her lack of “help”. Is not OK to ask so much and at the same time give so little. She doesn’t sound like a friend to me.
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Open Question
About: Do you have a question for the Weddingbee community? Please email us at ask@weddingbee.com with your question!
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics