Wedding Blog
Hi!
I am recently engaged, and my fiance has been chosen for a very prestigious position at work overseas. He is there now and expected to be there for at least a year, possibly longer. I just started a new job, so I wasn’t able to go out there with him. I really want to meet him over there, and seeing as I just started my position I have no leave to take. I will probably quit my job, but if I’m going to do that I think we should be married first. Plus, I get the benefits of a spouse from his job. I’m still young, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He will be coming home in December and we want to have a civil ceremony then so I can go back with him. We still want to have a ceremony in a chapel with a reception in the spring or summer of 2008. Can we do that? Have a civil ceremony now and a chapel ceremony months later? A City Hall wedding seems so anti-climactic, and although we want to get married now, we still want to plan a more traditional wedding later on. Is that possible? Have other people done that?
HELP! Between starting a new job, my fiance leaving, getting married now, quitting my job, AND planning a full on wedding in the months to come, I feel really overwhelmed. What should I do?
Frazzled
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Share this post: Open Question: Civil Ceremony, Chapel Ceremony
I know people who went through a civil ceremony first, for the sake of “being married.” They then planned a “vow renewal” ceremony later on, just as you described: in a church, more of a celebration then just a civil ceremony. I think that people will respect your decision since you are in a difficult position! Goodluck =)
Hey that’s how they do it in Europe. You have to have the civil ceremony first and then you can have a big, church ceremony.
Also a lot of people do it everyday for all kinds of reason. Insurance is a big one. My FH and I thought about it and still may do it.
It also takes a lot of the pressure off. At that point you are already married and just planning a big party.
My parents did things that way because of military requirements: They would need to get married very quickly so that their orders would be changed for them to stay together (they were both in the service). Then two months after a civil ceremony, they got married in a church! It was years ago but I am quite sure the same would be true today. Good luck!
Yes you can do that. My friend had a civil ceremony in August 2006 in the States and then a Catholic Ceremony in France with a wedding reception following that October. So, even though they had been married since August she still wore the Vera Wang in Oct and had the full wedding.
No worries
[the only people at the civil service were parents, she just had the invite for the Morocco wedding]
Don’t stress! I know lots of people who’ve done the civil ceremony and then another ceremony/reception later. I know one couple who had a huge reception one year later. (I’m pretty sure they had a church ceremony prior to the reception too, for family and close friends.) I even know of a couple who basically didn’t tell anyone at all that they had been married in a civil ceremony several months prior (job loss/insurance reasons); most guests had no idea the couple was actually already legally married.
I also know of people who have done that, for various reasons (one was a military couple). So definitely go ahead!
This is exactly what I did/are doing.
My husband and I were married in April in a courthouse ceremony, no rings and I didn’t change my name.
We did it because our situation was similar to yours, and he’s in the Air Force (and was about to go on a job states away for a month and a half) so this way I would have his insurance and could go on base. And then we would get separation pay & everything married couples are entitled to.
We are having our actual full-blown wedding in November. All of our family and friends know that we are both married, but we are all treating this as our wedding.
Of course you can still have your ceremony. Even our Pastor knows that this is our situation and we have requested to have a real wedding ‘i do’ ceremony. He’s absolutely ok with it.
So you do what is best for your life, and then later on (after months of hectic planning!) have your wedding.
Best of luck to you!
Of course you can! I think it depends on your house of worship, but you can have a civil ceremony first, and then a vow renewal or a “blessing” in your chapel when you get back. There may be a few very conservative religions that require a wedding by their officiant, but I’m sure you’d know if yours was one of them. I think it’s a great idea, you’ll get all the benefits of living abroad, as you said, and you’ll be much calmer for the vow renewal, as you’ll already be married. My advice though is to let all your guests know that you were already married–if they find out otherwise, they will likely feel tricked. Make sure your invitations say something about “a blessing of our marriage of ‘date’.”
Congratulations!
*let me also say-
If you do decide to do this don’t rush it. And, this is very important, get somebody to take a photo of you after you get your certificate. We didn’t think to do that, and now I really regret it.
Also make sure that you are both absolutely ok with being married before your wedding. It may seem obvious but it’s so important. For me the only thing I think it will change for our ‘wedding’ will be that I won’t be so nervous! But it could take away from the moment when you are pronounced ‘husband & wife’ because you already were when you got there.
I’m by no means trying to talk you out of it, but think about it and be certain it is what you want to do. Don’t go into it lightly, because even though it lacks the pomp and circumstance of the traditional wedding, it is a wedding none the less.
yup, you sure can. the bf and i plan on doing this ourselves - a smaller civil ceremony just for us and the big to-do for family and friends later on.
just do what you feel comfortable doing. people will understand.
Fiance and I both work in the diplomatic community and practically everyone we know does this. Civil ceremony and full blown wedding later (not just a blessing). This is also the way it is done in Latin America and most of Europe (remember Eva Longoria got civilly wed at a courthouse before she had her giant wedding). Some keep it secret and continue on as though they were engaged except for the paperwork. Don’t sweat it.
The FI and I went to a wedding recently that he was a groomsman in. It was a really eleborate wedding and we ended up shelling out way more money than we would have liked, but keep thinking “this is their wedding day”! Well during the RD, the MOH got really drunk and told everyone during her toast about the couples “first wedding” and how they had to get married to live in married student housing so they had been married for 3 years at this point. You could see the collective let down by the guests. My FI was annoyed, we just spent all this time, money and energy just to find out they’ve already been married for 3 years.
So I guess my point is, just make sure you are up front with your guests. There were some pretty grumpy friends and relatives at their wedding the next day.
I did/am doing that… We “eloped” via a civil ceremony in March and are now having our wedding with friends and family next month. for us, there were a number of reasons why we had to do it that way, and I’m glad we are still doing the wedding to make it feel a little more “legitimate” to me… plus, being the oldest child, it was very important for my parents to also be able to celebrate with a full-blown wedding 
jenniferb, I don’t quite understand why that would make any difference, as a guest. I can see how the feel might be a little different, but just because they were married already, I don’t think it really makes a difference in how much you spend on them and how much effort you put into the event. It is still a celebration with their loved ones. I’m not trying to create any bad air here, I’m just…confused as to why it matters..? I’d greatly appreciate your insight! (I’m a wedding amateur so maybe there’s something I’m unaware about!)
We did this and it was the best decision we ever made! Not only is having 2 weddings just completely awesome, but with our “big wedding” just 4 days away, it feels like we’re doing it for the first time (again)!
Good luck and congrats!!!
L, I think the problem was is no one knew that they were already married. Their parents and a small handful of friends knew. Then when the MOH blurted it out she made it seem like the joke was on us (everyone who didn’t know, which was nearly 200 guests).
I talked to my FI about this and we agreed that yes we would have still gone and participated in their wedding, but we sure would have appreciated knowing (or not knowing and not being told the way we were told). We recognize that it wasn’t the couple’s decision to tell us in the manner in which we were told.
Also once it was “announced” both bride and groom handled it poorly. Instead of accepting that their secret was out, they ignored all questions and became very defensive and rude about their first wedding.
I understand your confusion and guess I can’t really explain how the event just “changed” for everyone after that. Guests were hurt (that they weren’t included or didn’t know about the first time), parents and the couple were embaressed and I think a few people felt scammed about putting out for a destination wedding. I’m not saying that one shouldn’t have a civil ceremony first and then a chaple, to each is own in my book!
Jeeze, sorry this is so long and not really helpful!
A friend of mine did it. She is from Brazil and it was difficult for her to keep extending her visa so after they got engaged they had civil ceremony but kept it quiet. Their families knew and so did their friends, but she wasn’t loud about it. They had full blown ceremony in Brazil the following year.
Also, and this was previously mentioned, in SOME ( not all) European countries only civil ceremony is legal so couples have civil wedding earlier that day or a day before their church wedding ( think Eva Longoria). And let’s not forget Prince Charles and Camilla, they too had civil ceremony and church blessing.
Do what is right for you. There will always be somebody who will have different opinion, one way or another. Good Luck !
I had a civil ceremony last November and am in the process of planning my church wedding for next June. The only people who know that we are already married are our parents and bridal party. We have not told that many people that we are married already and the ones that we have told totally understood. If you know for sure that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with then I say go for it!
I like that we got to have our special moment just for ourselves without all the drama of a wedding because it was real. There were no rings, just two people who love each other.
Two days after we began moving my sister and her fiance into their first apartment he got transfered to Puerto Rico for work. He had a choice not to go but as with your fiance, this was a great opportunity for him. He went to PR and my sis moved back home to ponder her next step. She had a great career but was so broken up about being separated from her fiance.
Our Mom was the one who suggested she quit her job and join him in PR. In two weeks time we threw together their wedding (just immediate family). They had a lovely wedding, the most intimate and meaningful I’ve ever had the blessing to be party to.
About a year down the road, instead of another “I do” ceremony, they had a reaffirmation of vows. And a kick-butt reception afterwards where she wore her gorgeous wedding gown, my BIL looked so handsome in his tux. They had simply kept moving forward with the “wedding” plans: big dress, tuxedos, limos, large guest list, country club setting, etc.
Best part of their story? They’ve just celebrated their 7th anniversary and have two beeeutiful little girls, 3 and 5.
You’ll find your happy ending; just make it happen!
I’m having a civil ceremony on Friday,Oct 19 and then having the wedding ceremony on Tuesday, Oct 23 in Bermuda with 44 guests witnessing. A lot of people have done it this way.
You can have both ceremonies or more (depending on the situation). My FI (now husband) and I had a civil marriage earlier this year. We just thought this would be ideal seeing that we have been thinking of getting married for some time now, but the time wasn’t right before. He just started a new job and may be moving and as for me, I am still in graduate school finishing my doctorate. We are having two more big ceremonies next year for his family and our friends in NY and the other in my hometown of Penang, Malaysia.
Hi! I also got a civil ceremony in May for insurance reasons and planning a wedding for next June 2008. My family and close friends know about it so I don’t feel as if it’s an elopement. It’s merely signing the papers in advance. Plus I am having a tea ceremony which doesn’t require an officiant there so why not do that ahead of time and take the edge off of the actual day. I was a blubbering mess at the civil one bc I am a sap. hehe. So I definitely want to look my best on my wedding day sans tears. This way, I will be calmer and definitely more at ease and just waiting to celebrate the big day with all my friends and family with the reception. The tea ceremony is also for family members only, so guests usually just attend the reception. Even though I had the civil one earlier, I am waiting till next year to change my name legally and make it really official. That is something that I am definitely looking forward to the most. =) So not to worry. You can have the whole cake and eat it too! =) Good Luck!!
For Catholics, if you have a civil ceremony first and then a church wedding afterward, the church wedding is called not a vow renewal but a “validation” of the marriage. This is what my fiance and I are doing, for similar reasons to what Annie described above.
Yup — I’m doing the same thing. My husband and I were engaged in December 2006 and had planned on an October 2007 wedding. But in the spring of 2007, he learned that he was being transferred across the country (he’s in the Air Force) for his next assignment, so we had a civil ceremony at court for logistical/practical reasons before we moved. After we did, we met a bunch of other couples who had done something similar.
We’re still having our “big” wedding in October. Our family and most of our friends already know that we’re married, but the October wedding is what’s counting for us for as our “real” wedding.
Do what works best for you in your situation. Congrats!
We did this, and are having our “wedding” in two weeks, and everyone had been very understading about everything but definately make sure you have someone take a picture or two! : )
Congratulations! I am so happy to read this post & comments, becuase my husband and I just did this same thing. This was a great choice for us. We eloped, just telling our mothers, and were actually married by one of his best friends. It was beautiful. All plans are still set for our church wedding in Feb. In fact, our church pastor said he prefers people to be legally married before the church ceremony (he cited separation of church and state). This is one of the smartest moves we ever made. Good luck to you and your sweetie!
My husband and I did the same thing! Just a ceremony in our living room with our parents and two closest friends. I am now in the midst of planning the “wedding” and I am nt sure how to word the invites. Everyone knows that we got married in March. If anypone has any suggestions that owuld be great!! thanx.
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