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Part I: Location, location, location!
Part II: Family Matters
So the venue was set and it seemed it would be smooth sailing from here on out.
Shortly before I left to fly back to SF, however, FMIL pulled out two sets of CDs. “I bought these for you,” she said, glowing with excitement. “You can choose from these songs for your wedding and for your wedding slideshow!” I wasn’t quite sure how to respond (though I think my jaw may have dropped open for a split second). I could feel the frustration starting to creep in again, but swallowed it and took the CDs with as much of a smile as I could muster up, saying that Mr. D and I would consider it. I told her we actually already had some songs in mind and were planning on having our friend play acoustic guitar during the ceremony.
“Let me explain something, Miss Daffodil,” FMIL said. “When you look back on your wedding 25 years from now, you will regret having your friends as part of the ceremony. Trust me, only your family is what will remain throughout time. Don’t worry, Mr. D’s cousins can play violin during the ceremony. Your friend can play the guitar after you and Mr. D say your vows, as you exit the church.”
This was starting to inch towards being too much for me. She also had a view on what my dress and hair should look like. As soon as I got back home, I called Mr. D and told him everything. Mr. D reassured me, don’t worry, it is our wedding and we will make it special in the way we want. We should go ahead with our planning and leave it to Mr. D to manage his mom.
Over the next few weeks and months, Mr. D had several conversations with FMIL regarding the wedding. Any time she presented an idea, he said we weren’t interested and told her what we were doing instead. Then one evening, I got a phone call. It was FMIL.
She sounded upset and disconnected. After chatting about work and life in general, she got to the point. “Miss Daffodil, you need to tell Mr. D to be less involved in the planning. He doesn’t understand what women want, and besides, the wedding planning role should be our responsibility anyhow.” I explained that Mr. D really cares about the wedding day and asked to be involved. We discussed some more, and after a while, FMIL sighed and said in a sincere tone, “Miss D, I’ve been planning out every little detail as if it were my own wedding, putting so much time into everything from clipping pictures to trying to come up with ideas. But if you guys do not want my ideas, then I won’t waste my time. Just do everything yourself.”
To be continued…
Are any of your family members super involved in the planning? How have you managed to balance their wishes with those of your own?
(Side note: I just want to mention once again that I love my FMIL and that she is a very caring woman, which is why we do want to incorporate some of her wishes throughout this process. The purpose of this series is to share some of my lessons learned, so please remember to be respectful in your comments. 
Thanks!)
Lucky you to love your FMIL! Mine is, well, less than pleasant and I am dreading anything planning that she wants to involve herself in.
Thanks for the insight!
Is your mom involved in the planning too? My FMIL is fairly hesitant to make suggestions because she thinks it should be me and *my* mom planning the wedding. Maybe you could feed your mom some of your ideas and plans and the moms could talk?
Sounds like a difficult situation which you handled with grace!
All I can say is *ouch ouch ouch* prickly situation!!! Can’t wait to hear how it was resolved (if it was).
I’m so looking forward to hearing the rest of this story! I’m still trying to figure out how to perform the balancing act of making the FMIL feel involved, but not being bullied by her… hopefully I can learn some tips from the way you managed your FMIL. I am in a similar situation, since I do love her and appreciate her support, and therefore do not want to hurt her feelings.
I have the same problem. My family is paying for the wedding and we’re planning as much as possible without her input. Luckily, she has an unwed daughter so I can just reply, “won’t that be lovely for when SHE gets married!”
Well, my mom and I did most of the planning, but she always gracefully deferred to what I wanted (except for secretly hiring a brass quintet for the ceremony– but she knew I *really* wanted them; they just didn’t fit in my budget).
Anyway, it’s great that your FMIL cares so much and is so interested. I’m looking forward to part III where I assume you figure out how to involve her without her feeling hurt when you don’t use her ideas.
My FMIL has another son getting married five months before us, and a third son whose wife gave birth to their first grandchild earlier this year. She has other things on her mind :-).
It sounds like you handled it well and it is great that you are incorporating some of her ideas as a compromise. She can’t have it all her way bc it is not her wedding. That being said, I think that I would rathar be in your situation. My FMIL really has nothing to do with our wedding or our new home. I don’t even think she knows what I do for a living and I have been with her son for 11 years! I haven’t really spoken to FILs in months. When we do talk, it is just to discuss their grandson (FI’s nephew). My FI says they care, they are just not very social. They are basically coming to our wedding like any other invited guests. 
My fiance is an only child…and his mother (while not a bad person) is a bit overbearing at times. My problem is because they are contributing a pretty penny to the wedding, I feel I need to succomb to some of her wishes…but thank goodness not all.
I understand your troubles and I think you’ve handled this situation with grace and tact. Good luck - it’s only the beginning!
My mom and FMIL are very cool about my wedding plans. They have left everything up to me and my fiance. However, my aunt did tell me off in front of my whole family for not making all 4 of her grand daughters my flower girls = ( I’m looking forward to reading about how you resolved your situation, and hopefully I will be able to do the same.
Wow, I respect you for “dealing” with your FMIL so seemingly well. Your stories remind me of my MIL, though we had a separate banquet for my husband’s side of the family, so she had total control over that and didn’t offer input about the real wedding. but your FMIL’s behavior sounds like a foreshadowing of things to come…how you keep your house, your career, raise your kids…while it’s all meant in a caring way, sometimes it’s just presented in such an overbearing way that it’s really hard to deal with (for me at least).
I have never met my SO’s mother in the over the 3 years we’ve been together and he’s doesn’t plan on me meeting her either (horrible woman and parent, apparently). Needless to say, she’s not invited to our wedding. With that said, our families haven’t been involved in the planning process at all with the exception of the occasional suggestion here and there. I do plan on involving my Mother and her 5 sisters because while they may be overbearing at times, they still have impeccable taste AND are domestic so if I see something that I like but don’t want to spend the money on they could do it for me themselves. Too bad I only kick ass in the kitchen.
I only have my FMIL to deal with, my Father chips in with ideas for the wedding, but my father is very close to me and more often then not knows what I want before even I do. My FMIL wants to be involved, I try to involve her… and she dashes all of our plans and says they are “cheap”. For the record we are trying to plan a wedding with only $5000… the only money she’ll give us for the wedding since my Father gave us a down-payment on our house instead of money for a wedding.
What we ended up doing (and what seems to be working for now) is having my fiance tell her that while we appreciate everyones (we didn’t target just her) input we are beginning to feel that people are making this -their- wedding instead of -our- wedding. So much so that we are so frustrated we are seriously contemplating eloping. (Which at the time we definitely were). That has slowed her down a bit so I can manage what she keeps throwing at me. She would much rather us have a wedding then elope.
My fiance’s sister-in-law heard this and wished she’d said it as well. She reached a point of such utter frustration with her own wedding being caught between FMIL and her own mother that she gave up and let them plan it.
Yes, it’s very very frustrating!! Luckily my FMIL is pretty cool about things. it’s my other family that is nuts. My OOT cousin called trying to get me to change my wedding date because she doesn’t want to take her kids out of school, and how if I did it over the summer, than they can stay longer. blah blah. Then she was saying that our ring bearer is too young, and that HER SON should be the ring bearer. I just told her that it’s not just up to me, and that it’s also my FI’s decision.
good job, mr. d, for stepping up! you handled things wisely and still continue to be patient and understanding, that’s great =).
my only piece of advice is that Mr. D needs to be the one handling her at all times in re: wedding. i understand that she feels left out or insulted, but Mr. D needs to explain to her that you two are making compromises already. it sounds like he’s been doing a great job so far, which is why she’s upset!
you cant control how she feels, and i hope that she wont try to make you feel guilty for it. as much as you love her, unless you want her to completely take over your wedding planning, you have to let her feel upset. just let her be and she’ll get over it - she’s a grown woman. =)
Sounds like you are handling the situation well. At this point I am still a year away (to the day actually) so no one has really shown too much interest in the wedding. This past weekend my FMIL did find some nice centerpieces that a lady was selling after her daughters wedding which I luckily really liked, but she definitely has different tastes than my FI and I so I’m sure I’m going to be dealing with quite a bit of this in the near future.
Just wanted to let you know I sympathize! My mom just wants me to do what I want, my FMIL thinks that what she wants is what everyone else wants-she is now trying to control my shower! She is very nice but I just have very different ideas than she does and I don’t know how to stop her other than to flat out say back off because she doesn’t take hints. Good luck with yours!
My MIL was like this. She went from not caring at all to deciding I needed “help” much like your FMIL. What I really wanted was someone to listen and bounce ideas off of, but unforch she couldn’t handle doing that and not being THE planner.
In the end, she basically ignored all things wedding until 2 wks before. She just did not get that you could care and not take things over.
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Mrs. Daffodil, San Francisco/Los Angeles Age and Occupation: 26, Nonprofit Strategy Consultant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Resident Physician Engagement Date: December 29, 2006 Wedding Date: May, 2008 Blogging Since: August, 2007 Venue: Church w/ floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the Valley; Westin in downtown LA About Me: I moved around a lot growing up, but consider myself a Southerner at heart. I love scrapbooking, dancing, doggies, and diet coke. I am all about personalizing everything and hence, I'm a DIY bride who is just loving the entire wedding planning process! Mr. Daffodil and I met in our college fellowship group and were "just friends" for three years before we started dating. We've been together for four years now and can't wait to get married in sunny SoCal, Mr. Daffodil's hometown.
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