Wedding Blog
With all of the invitations out and (mostly) received, we’ve started getting the unwanted phone calls: “Hey, Miss Kiwi? I was just wondering if you guys invited *****?” “Hm. I’m going to have to tell you no. We didn’t invite the girl your mom went to school with 15 years ago.” Now there is a new circumstance about inviting someone who was never on the list.
My FMIL and I worked for hours addressing all the invitations. The guest list was set and run by all important members of the bridal party. Names were tossed about, some were dropped, most were agreed upon. So why did my FMIL call and ask if we’re inviting my FSIL’s husband’s sister and brother in law? After discussing the basic familial guest list for the Save the Dates, their name was mentioned by Mr. Kiwi’s sister (and MOH). We quickly vetoed as we’re already inviting MOH’s MIL/FIL.
Months ago, when we first told my matron of honor that we aren’t inviting her SIL, she was fine with it. Now that the invitations are received, why did we get phone calls asking us to please reconsider inviting the SIL and hubby? When I asked FMIL why she’d like us to invite someone we haven’t seen for literally over a year, instead of say… friends, she said it was so MOH wouldn’t get yelled at by her MIL for us not inviting her daughter.
Since when is it our job to use our wedding to keep the matron of honor’s relationship with her in-laws good? When I said no, FMIL called Mr. Kiwi and gave him the major guilt trip. “Help your sister!”, she said. We’re already going above and beyond by inviting her mother and father in law, how can we be expected to invite her sister in law?
Mr. Kiwi told his mom he’d talk to me about it. See, if it was just a matter of inviting them, it’d be fine. No, inviting them is like inviting the cattiest, bitchiest girl from your high school. I feel bad for my MOH, as she is always getting backward insults from her in-laws. They are so insulting to her and to Mr. Kiwi’s family, saying things like, “Oh, I hope your kids don’t ALSO have weight problems.” I can picture the SIL/MIL huddling together to insult me, since I know they do it- and that makes me angry. I don’t want to have to be on my guard at my wedding!
In the end, we’re still slightly up in the air about it- it’s not our job to insure her family relations are good. On the other hand, FSIL’s husband (the brother and son of the catty pair) has never been anything other than nice to us. Most likely we’ll invite the SIL and her husband, but we won’t like it. If she dares to mutter a thing about me, or any member of our families, I have no problem stalking over there in my heavy dress and kicking them out.
Have you been bullied or guilted into inviting someone you wish you didn’t?
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Share this post: Pity Invites
my stepdad’s crazy family.
first it was just the gradma… then the brother… then the mom… then sissy whoever that is.
i dont really know these people, and i’ve maybe only said 8 words to my stepdad in my life, but was told it would be mean not to invite them. so they’re invited.
they’d just better behave. that’s all i have to say.
kiwi, if anybody gives you lip you give them the boot!! it’s your wedding for crying out loud. you shouldn’t have to take insults like that ever, much less on the most important day of your life.
This is a tough situation. I know you want to make your sister-in-law happy, BUT you should not have to invite people that you affirmatively don’t like! I guess you just have to think about which is the worse situation — some irritation from your SIL, or your own irritation that people you don’t like are at your wedding. Good luck!
Don’t give in! This is your day and you should not be pushed into inviting people you don’t see very often of even like very much. It’s your wedding… Don’t stress yourself out over other people’s problems.
No way would I invite those nasty ppl! What a PITA.
Thankfully we were able to fully control the guest list.
yea man, i agree with shelby. why put yourself on guard all night long just to make someone else happy? this is a day when YOU need to be your very happiest, most comfortable, with people who love and you love the most! say sorry to the FSIL that you do like, and invite your friends!
but i know it’s easier said than done, ms. kiwi… so good luck!
I wish you all the best with this. I know I’m going to have to revisit my guests list soon and I’m try my hardest to stand my ground.
My unsolicited advice to you: think about the day after your wedding - will you be happier if you a) didn’t invite the “mean girl” to your wedding or b) made things a little easier for your MOH? Seems to me like these peeps are going to have comments no matter what, so go with what makes you feel the best. GL!
Oh man. I feel for you. don’t invite them. it’s your wedding, you made the decision and the decision is no!
do not invite those people. You discussed the guest list, agreed upon it, invites are out. Move on.
It is not your duty to keep other people relationships’ good.
I just went through this with my parents. It started with an email, raged into an all out screaming match between my father, step-mother and I where I was hung up on THREE TIMES! (FYI - we were arguing about a hypothetical friend invite for my 36 year old stepsister so she would “have someone to talk to” at my intimate 60 person family/close friends wedding. Step-Mom didn’t even know who she wanted to bring!) I sent a strong email and they called the next morning to apologize.
I am so happy that I stood my ground. You will be too.
Just don’t do it. Seriously. Respect yourself and your FI.
I feel your pain… we are in a similar situation. My mom’s first cousin called and asked us to invite her EX-sister and law AND her two daughters. *sigh* I guess people don’t realize that this is rude…
Miss Kiwi - it’s one thing to reconsider if you’re just trying to keep the numbers down, but if the person is mean and catty - then think really hard before allowing it.
oh god yes, i have. me + dinner with extended family of FI attacking me for not wanting dancing, demanding to know why “asians are like that” and then demanding to know why their son, who is supposedly an alcoholic degenerate that FI doesn’t know/like, isn’t invited. …we should have said “well, we don’t like either of you, so a spawn of yours can only be worse”
If you don’t feel you can relax with her there, then don’t invite her. your MOH can deflect blame on someone entirely out of anyone’s control - say you reached the limit of capacity at the venue?
Pity invite = PITA invite.
Just say no.
We once got a call at 7am in the morning from my husband’s grandfather asking us why one of his sons weren’t invited. My husband diverted the question back to his mother, who decided it was inappropriate to invite said uncle. This uncle is mean, abusive, and just unpleasant and not a presence we wanted in the wedding. No one else questioned it, the grandfather pouted for a few days, but we still didn’t give in and never felt bad about it.
I can’t believe some people have the gall to ask about your invitation list, but what can you do? Handle it diplomatically… it’s your wedding, not a relationship builder for other people. The wedding is a celebration for you and mr kiwi, not for catty people to be involved. Good luck!
It sounds like they’re going to be bitchy and wretched either way (not invited = whining to MOH, invited = being catty and mean at wedding), so I’d not ivite them, blame it on budget constraints and let the chips fall where they may. If you invite them to your wedding, you might have to invite them to the next family party too! I say cut them off now– a “bitchectomy” today will save you heartache later!
I cant even begin - FMIL wants to invite her 2nd cousin’s ex wife and son. She also insists on her SIL’s sister’s family of 4. Not to mention all her neighbors.
I had to resort to cutting my own friends. Stand your ground or else you’ll be as upset as I am.
If i were you I would invite them. I think you are going to be soooo busy on your wedding day that you arent even going to pay attention or really notice them, since you really dont care for them. But out of respect for your MOH, I think you should just invite them and make her happy. Your going to have to deal with your SIL for the rest of your life, so why not start it off right? It obviously means so much to her that the issue keeps coming up, or else she would have just dropped it on the first “no.” But in the end it is your day, and you should just do what you feel is right.
I can empathize. Two instances that I had to deal with:
1. My grandmother basically insisted that we invite her best friend and friend’s husband. Sooo… they’ve known me my whole life but I hadn’t seen them in a few years and they just aren’t that nice - kind of judgmental. And we were trying to stay on the small side and be fair to all sides of the families. Anyway, we caved and they were invited. (Turns out they had an amazing time and she was telling everyone in my hometown what a fabulous wedding we had! We got a lot of good word of mouth out of her. There is a silver lining. Ha!)
2. My grandmother’s sister’s granddaughter (is that like a third cousin?) is a real piece of work. Once insisted that my cousin leave the house because she was too pretty. Seriously. Anyway, she told her grandmother (who was invited) that she wanted to come to our wedding. My grandmother told my mother. But we all agreed it was a bad idea. She is a breeding ground for major drama and we all agreed it was best we didn’t invite her.
Don’t feel like you have to invite someone who is going to make you or any of your other guests feel bad. Like everyone else has said, it is the one day where NOTHING and NOBODY is allowed to make you feel bad!
I hope it all works out for you. 
Oooh, nothing but sympathies and wishes for good luck and patience!
We “had” to invite the best man’s girlfriend. (Lest you think I’m being mean, they only started seeing each other (did not know each other until then) barely 3 months before the wedding date, and 2 months before RSVPs were due. They also put it off until 2 weeks before the wedding to actually tell me if she would attend.) They do not live together (so it basically went against our rule for invites - no sig. others unless they’re living together), and I hate hate hate hate hate her (as does hubs). Plus, no one else likes her. Not exaggerating here. The best anyone says is “Oh, she *seems* pretty nice.” The worst: “She’s the daughter of Satan.” Fun, huh? She came to our rehearsal dinner, did not say hello, plunked herself down, didn’t talk to any of the other guests at her table and did NOT thank us for dinner. There is far more to this tale, but I’ll stop it here.
I feel that if someone cannot have the good grace to at least pretend that they wish you well, they should not attend, even if you were “forced” to extend an invite. I don’t understand why people want to wrangle an invite and go solely to talk stink about the hosts. However, as my own example proves, some people are completely graceless, classless and lacking in manners.
I can offer one item of comfort: for the most part, we were so busy dancing and talking with the guests we DID want there, we barely noticed her, and it was a pretty small wedding — only 90 people. So, I guess what I’m saying is, if you have to suck it up and invite the evil ones, and I feel for you if you do, there’s great potential to completely ignore them and have a wonderful time anyway. (Bridesmaids and certain friends were also delegated to run interference.)
Yep. We are doing a small destination wedding so it seems like the very few people invited are enough. However, our wacky neighbor acted like she was going all the time but informed us she would not be able to attend. I sent her a save-the-date to be nice after she said there was no way she could go. Well guess what… apparently she found the money to go. She still hasn’t bought a flight, but the threat is out there. I feel duped!
YES my mom is insistant about inviting an awful couple just because she is friends with one of their moms. These people are mean and unpleasant, but she wouldn’t hear of them not being invited… She is paying for her 1/3 of the guest list so she is insistant that she has full controll of her 1/3…
Good Luck Kiwis
PS - I also meant to say that to keep the parents’ random invites down to a minimum, we told our parents that each set (my ‘rents, his mom/stepdad, his dad/dad’s FI) could have 4 “freebies” (4 people=2 couples). We would let them add these people and not say anything. BUT if they wanted more than that, they would have to pay per head. Of course, this only works if you are paying for 100% of the wedding and your parents freak when they find out what the per head is. (I’d go with the entire budget and divide by the number of guests…not the cost to add one more mouth to the dinner service.)
yes…I have regretted that one (time and time again.) My advice…don’t do it. You don’t need that on your wedding day. If a person won’t be there to make you feel completely special…they don’t belong. It’s not your responsibility.
beanchar - a bitchectomy; I love it!
Miss Kiwi, do what you think is best, but remember that once you’ve demonstrated that you give in to this kind of pressure, you’ve opened yourself up to a lifetime of it. On the other hand, if you put your foot down, you might forestall similar problems in the future.
You’ve had your guest list reviewed and you’ve made the final decisions because it is your wedding. Hold fast to that and continue to be gracious but don’t let them bully you into anything. You’ll have a beautiful and memorable wedding…with no (guest) regrets!
Oh, my! I did have to invite an aunt who I really don’t like.
She has been asking for her invitation for months (we were making them at the time, she’s so pushy mom couldn’t find a way to say no). She’s the type that criticizes you no matter what you do…
I’m crossing my fingers that she can’t make it since she’d have to travel…I guess it’s about a month before I find out (as she’s also unlikely to send an RSVP) 
You shouldn’t invite them…they shouldn’t be allowed to ruin your happy day.
I was in this type of situation exactly once.
I also stomped out of a room yelling “it’s my [expletive] wedding!!!” exactly once.
It was an issue of someone on his side assuming her adult children were invited, getting them plane tickets and hotel rooms, and THEN asking if we would be inviting them. Notably, someone on my side had wanted to have this same kind of fun family vacation based around the wedding, but asked FIRST, and changed her plans when we told her her adult children wouldn’t be invited. It wasn’t even presented to us as “could you invite so-and-so;” the groom’s mother simply called and announced “I’ve told so-and-so they can come because they’re going to be in the area anyway.”
Fortunately, I waited until my stream of foul language had slowed to a trickle before I responded.
I’m going through a similar invitation dilemma right now.
I have an aunt.. who I do not like. I have never liked her, she’s always been awful to me, and regardless of my successes, she always has a way of pointing out my failures. I had been planning to invite her all along, just to avoid the drama.. until..
She has (had?) 7 children.. 5 from her first marriage, and 2 children that she adopted during her second marriage. In trying to find out whose invitations would go where (almost everyone is out of the house now), I found out that I cannot invite her two adopted children, because somehow.. and I don’t know HOW this can be legal.. she has un-adopted them.
That’s right, the younger one has been re-adopted by another family (again, legal?), and the older one is living with her boyfriend somewhere, and my aunt does not know where she is (nor does she care).
So now my two cousins, who have been in the family for about 10 years, are no longer in the family. And though I would much prefer to have them at my wedding than my aunt who is an awful excuse for a human being, I am forced to invite my aunt and am unable to invite my cousins.
What to do.
Becca, I have no idea what I would do in your place. Actually, I have an aunt who is terrible. And I’m not inviting her. I feel kind of bad about it, but she really does make everyone feel horrible, so it’s just easier to not invite her.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
[...] Kiwi and I have finally decided our stance on the guests we don’t want, and I’ll blog about that later, but let’s just say that it seems this invitation thing is [...]
[...] hate me. We caved. Yes, we are ashamed, and no we’re not happy about it, but we are inviting the unwanted. Of course, this good deed will be rewarded with favors. Not like, you scratch my back and I’ll [...]
Miss Kiwi: You’re not alone. My mom guilted me in inviting my grandmother’s sister’s daughter’s entire FAMILY (including kids and grandkids) and most of the ppl in that family are sooo insulting. I saw the daughter’s husband, who btw is a man of retiring age, and said Hi Uncle XXX, he looks at me and snares his nose up and freaking has the nerve to walk away! He does that to my grandparents and parents too. So that was the last straw, I made up my mind to not invite them at the moment! I certainly understand the emotions that you are going through, and for better or worse, i’ve always known that a wedding celebration is not about the couple alone. There are many factors of family face and pride to live up to as well. Especially with other generation, it’s face. So when my mother saw how upset i was, she agreed that I didn’t have to invite them. However, fast forward 2 weeks, and I get a phone call from dear mom. Not only does she not want me to go away for my wedding (she wants it to be in NY) and starts the guilt trip and starts saying that if we don’t invite that family, then none of the family friends can come. And how would they face them in the future. If we don’t invite them then it would be a very small wedding and dear god a small wedding is not good. Oh yes, we’ll have to plan another wedding dinner just for them if they are not invited to our wedding day. GOD, she is freaking out of her mind and driving me up the wall!!! sorry to vent on your story. Just want to tell you that in the end we caved too. We’re having our wedding in NYC (not on the beach as I would have liked) and yes, those ppl are getting an invitation. God damn it, i can’t believe that they will be taking up 2 freaking tables and taking up seats otherwise better used by friends of FI and I.
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Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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