Reader Buzz: Incompatibilities
September 9th, 2007 @ 5:40 pm by Reader Buzz
Mr. Bee here. Mrs. Bee is out buying cat food (and isn’t feeling so well), so she asked me to write a Reader Buzz.
Mrs. Bee and I were talking this morning about our three biggest incompatibilities. Not our three biggest differences - but the three things that create the biggest issues for us day to day. After much brainstorming and debate, here is our joint list:
1) WUP
2) PHYSICAL TOUCH
3) ADVENTURES
1) WUP
Every day over instant message, Mrs. Bee asks me “wup” - our code for, “what’s ur plan?” Especially on weekends, she likes to know exactly what my plan is for the day… or as she put it, “Exactly what you hope to accomplish today, and when you plan to accomplish it”. I will often awake on Saturday to see a piece of paper that says, “Saturday’s Plan” on it, with a list of her errands and things she hopes to accomplish that day.
I on the other hand, don’t like to plan my weekends. I like to play it by ear… I have a rough idea for what I’d like to do that weekend, and that’s about it. For me, weekends are about relaxing, doing nothing, and spending time with friends and family…. for Mrs. Bee weekends are for running errands, doing something and making the most of them.
2) PHYSICAL TOUCH
In the evenings, we try to spend a little time together… so we can share our days with each other. During these special times, I like to lie down and hold Mrs. Bee - after all, physical touch is one of my love languages. But Mrs. Bee insists on sitting up, so that she can look at me while we are talking.
I try to tell her that this goes against her vows (”I, Mrs. Bee, take you Mr. Bee, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward”), but she ain’t having none of it.
3) ADVENTURES
Mrs. Bee likes to do things that are new and exciting: have a great meal at a new restaurant opening, go to a concert that she’s never been to before, or do something totally different (ziplining, trapezing, or skydiving).
I, on the other hand, am pretty boring in my day to day life. I don’t mind eating the same foods, listening to the same music, and doing the same things. That’s because I focus on the person and the conversation, not the actual experience itself.
On the plus side, that means I don’t mind doing new adventures with Mrs. Bee - as long as there are chances for us to spend quality time together. So when we went to Costa Rica this spring for our anniversary, we spent the mornings doing a big activity (getting a tour of the rain forest) and the evenings spending quality time together (soaking in the rooftop pool, and having dinner together).
Anyway identifying and managing our day to day incompatibilities is probably one of the best things we’ve done for our marriage. That way, when Mrs. Bee wants to go on a great adventure to the Bronx Zoo on Sunday so she can take pictures with her new camera lens and asks me “wup?” while I’m reading a book… I know where she is coming from. This prevents us from having the same disagreement over and over…
Do you have any incompatibilities between you and your partner?
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10 Responses to “Reader Buzz: Incompatibilities”
how funny, that sounds a lot like mr. eggplant and me. we’re really into psychology and sociology, including the myers briggs temperament theory. have you guys ever taken the test? i score a INFP every time (introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving) while Mr. Eggplant is an ENFJ (extroverted, intuitive, feeling, judging). most of our differences are a result of different temperaments. he’s totally a planner while i’m go with the flow and i really hate rigid schedules or deadlines. i need a lot of alone time with peace and quiet to energize myself, while he needs people and interaction to feel energized.
also, in terms of love languages, physical touch is last on my list, while gifts is up near the top. for Mr. Eggplant, it’s the opposite. gifts is last on his list. we’ve had to not only learn how we need to be loved but how we each convey love to the other.
anyway, i totally agree that knowing your partner’s incompatibility areas helps to avoid misunderstandings and really, just helps each of us to understand the other person better.
You and Mrs. Bee have the same incompatibilities as myself and my FH! Creepy! I am just like Mrs Bee… he’s just like you. Opposites attract 
haha, the first one sounds exactly like me and my FI. His idea of weekends are for rest and relaxation. He HATES planning anything for sunday night, it’s his time to veg out on the couch and do nothing because another long work week starts the next day. I understand and work around that so Saturdays I plan errands or new activities to do, and I might even push it by planning something on Sunday morning and afternoons.
Our other incompatibility is that he has a hard time deciding what to eat, movies to watch, shopping, etc… he likes to take his time deciding or if he’s buying a new tie or shirt, he’ll visit the store a few times and look at it several times before he buys it. Sounds like a pragmatic guy but not when we’re both really hungry and driving around not being able to pick a place to eat. So I usually pick the place and the movie. Sometimes he’ll give an opinion but he’s never impulsive. I, on the other hand, am an impulsive buyer. So he keeps me in check by saying, “are you sure you want to buy that?” and I cut down our hungry time.
hmm… our other thing is he likes to eat meat and hardly any vegetables, and never eats fruits. I’m the exact opposite = I love fruits and vegetables especially korean “namul moochim” but my one weakness is BREAD and NOODLES = carbs. So now he eats more veggies with his steak and accepts the apples and grapes I shove into his mouth without complaining too much. And I can appreciate good steak once in a while but less bread now. He looks at me with a look so I only take two bites…
But I wouldn’t say these are incompatibilities anymore… We learned to compliment each other now.
We have quite a number of them as we are definitely a case of “opposites attract”! At the risk of sharing TMI, I’ll volunteer that our number one incompatibility is our sex drives. Mine is very low while his is very high. We each compromise a bit but it’s always an ongoing thing with us. The hardest part is that he doesn’t like to initiate it anymore because he’s afraid of getting shot down, whereas it pretty much never even occurs to me to initiate sex. So I’m trying to get him to start it more often and I’m trying to increase my awareness of it.
We also have differences between how we feel loved, like the Eggplants. Surprises and/or little gifts for no reason are very important to my FI, and I really hate gift-giving because of the pressure it puts on me to find “the perfect gift” all the time. I find it stressful enough to have to think of gifts for Christmas and birthdays! But he keeps reminding me it can be really little things and they don’t have to be perfect, it just shows you’re thinking of the other person, so I’m working on that. I on the other hand need to be told “I love you” a lot. Fiance kind of thinks it’s implied that he loves me, but he says it more often now.
We have very different levels of sloppiness. I’m much more neat and tidy and a bit of a clean freak, and my fiance is really messy and could honestly let the house go for 6 months before noticing that maybe it needs a vaccuum. I can live with things being out of place for awhile but once every couple of months I will basically go stir-crazy and make him do a major cleanup session with me to keep my sanity. Thankfully, he tends to go along with this.
There are others but I think these are the big 3! We are always working on ways to manage our differences so that we’re both happy.
Awww how sweet Mr. Bee
1. Mr. SP likes to cuddle on the couch, hug and wrap his arms around my neck. I am really short and his arms are kinda muscular so it hurts my neck and prefer to sit back.
2. Mr. SP is always in the mood for dessert. I on the other hand am lactose intolerant so I never crave dessert and never have room for it. He always wants to go out for ice cream. I’d rather stay home.
3. I love eating lots of rice and fatty meats. Mr. SP doesn’t but does like alot of meaty meat and I don’t. It works though because then we cook one steak and he cuts the fat off for me.
I love when Mr. Bee posts…
1. Food - I love all sorts of food and FI is a meat and potatoes type of guy - or should I say pizza and sandwiches…Also, I’ll eat anything and he likes his stuff specifically cooked they way he wants it…
2. Travel - I love to travel - FI hasn’t ever been outside the U.S. except Canada and DR
3. Patience - I have lots - and FI has very little…
Great post Mr. Bee!
1. Bedtime - I NEED to go to bed by a certain time every night to get up for work (10:30), but FI is commonly up til 3am watching TV and cleaning up (he’s a nightowl for sure). I crave that time to cuddle and talk before I drift off to sleep, but usu. I end up alone in those last few moments.
2. Decorating - I need to feel like a place is my “home”. Making it my own by paiting, puting up artwork, etc. Since we are at FI’s place, his motto is “Do not consume” - no more things in. Everything is great the way HE likes it, no changes, etc. Granted he has this year to say that we have a lot of large expenses before anything to the condo gets done. I feel like a nomad when I stay there (and he sees nothing wrong with that).
3. Leftovers - If I don’t think I’ll eat it , I wouldn’t take it. If it seems old to me, I’ll throw it away. FI thinks everything should be brought home “do not waste food”. He also thinks everything brought home should be eaten “do not waste food”. I think some things can be let go (do we really need to finish the spaghetti from last week? blech!). My compromise? Letting him bring it home and throwing old things out when he doesn’t see me.
What a great thread! For us it is (so far):
1) Music — FH loves to buy CDs of unknown bands and also go see them in concert. I also like new bands but have to make them “mine” before I can enjoy a live performance. Music for me is an emotional thing– I pick an artist to match my mood or the mood I want to be in. Music is comfort. Nostalgia. For him it’s a love of the unknown. The future. He gets so bummed when I dont share his enthusiasm. We’ve tried to understand where the other is coming from and that it’s ok. We’ve agreed that I will go to some shows, but he has to ask me before buying us tix. He has discovered some of my awesome oldies.
2) Movement — he is a more physical person than I am — surfer, biker, etc. I didnt grow up doing that stuff– I never even learned to ride a bike. So sad for me, but tired of people claiming they can teach me how. I grew up reading books in my room and writing in journals. I love yoga. We have had to learn that we cant share all of our passions, we will have some on our own and create new ones to share. We did however go on a tandem bike ride that we both enjoyed so much more than we ever thought we would. We want to buy one now!! (I secretly believe he will be the one to teach me to ride a bike!)
3) Food — the man eats everything in the house. Everything seems to be single serving. When we first started living together I tried to match him sausage for sausage and am still trying to lose the 10 pounds. He also starts work very early in the morning so is on a different feeding schedule. Who wants to make a nice meal when your partner has just had 3 ham sandwiches? We’ve just learned to not expect to eat together every night and plan better when we do. THis way I can eat my less fattening quick “single girl” meals a few times a week.
mr. bee, are you sure you’re not related to my fiance?
i like planning, he likes being mr. spur of the moment. it would drive ANY wedding planner insane.
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1. Mind reader - I don’t mean to do it but I seem to think that the Mr. can read my mind ad know what I mean even when I don’t say it.
2. Bedtime - I try to get to bed early on week nights and would love for the Mr. to come to bed with me because we have the best conversations about our present life and our futures together. The Mr. likes to stay up way past my bedtime playing on the computer or watching a movie, which leaves me going to sleep alone often.
3. Snuggle/ Cuddle time on the couch - I like it, he claims he does but then says that I’m hot and I’m making him hot. Lucky for me winter is coming and he will want me to help keep him warm;)