Wedding Blog
Do you believe in soulmates?
I used to believe in soulmates. I used to believe that there was one man out there who is perfect for me, that I had been fashioned out of one of his rib bones just as Eve was from Adam (cheesy, I know). And I sincerely thought that once I met that person, our relationship would be perfect and everything would be easy-sailing from there.
Now I’m not sure if I have grown more cynical over the years or what, but I no longer believe in soulmates. I believe that being with someone who is compatible with you can make the relationship easier, but I don’t think there is ONE person out there who is perfect for me.
My friends and acquaintances often comment on how happy Mr. Peony and I are with each other, how good we are together, etc. Only if they knew the truth! Jk! While we are happy most of the time, we still have our moments. We disagree, argue, and have gone through many rough patches. I just don’t write about everything because no one likes to air their dirty laundry in public, you know? In fact, one of the reasons our engagement holds such a special place in my heart is because the road leading up to that moment was quite tough…at times I really just wanted to give up because it seemed like the universe was working extra hard to stop us from staying together and finally making a lifelong commitment to each other. So when it finally happened, we couldn’t help but be overjoyed. After I said “yes,” we both had tears in our eyes, we embraced, and whispered to each other, “We did it!” And whenever I look down at my engagement ring I can’t help but smile to remember that moment and what it took for us to get to this stage in our relationship.
Even now, through wedding planning, trying to get a mortgage in this volatile market, busy times at work, and family drama, our relationship suffers and I still want to give up sometimes. It just should not be this hard, I think to myself. Reading friends’ and strangers’ blogs, following the lives of fellow Weddingbee bloggers, I can’t help but wonder at the perfect relationships they all seem to have. Don’t they ever fight? Don’t they ever hit rough spots? Why can’t our relationship be that smooth?
While contemplating this in my feverish state and drowsy with Nyquil overload (Something was going around and I got sick on the last day of the cruise), I started watching reruns of one of my favorite TV shows, Scrubs. In it, Dr. Kelso said something that hit me: “Nothing in this world that’s worth having comes easy.”
So simple and so true. And I promised myself to keep this in mind whenever things get hard again.
I know that no one is in a perfect relationship. But some couples are blessed in that they progress through each stage of their relationship without much trouble or drama. Are you one of them? If not, what do you do to keep yourself going?
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Miss Peony, first of all, I love Scrubs. Second of all, I’m sure you can tell we’re not a perfect couple. In fact, we started out as so not perfect that we broke up for 6/7 years and finally decided to give it a real try, all those years later.
You’re not alone in thinking that perhaps things aren’t meant to be perfect. I’m constantly thinking the what-ifs. In fact, while I’m envious of those couples who seem so utterly in love that everything falls into place, I’m kind of glad that we’re a little bumpy. A close friend told me, “I worry more for the couples who don’t ever fight, when you keep things bottled up, that’s when you crack.” It’s like an earthquake. Little rumblers take the pressure off the “big one”, which lets things go by a little more smoothly.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone!
when it gets tough, i focus on all of the reasons i fell in love with him in the first place.
and then i remember how blessed i am to have someone that loves me so much.
im sure it gets hard for everyone. i have *never* heard of any relationships that dont go through rough patches. you just have to know that even in that you are there for each other.
my FI is the first boyfriend with whom i could ever argue, talk through things, and make up. in the past, it was always perfect-perfect-perfect til it totally fell apart; i don’t think it was actually “perfect” - i just don’t think we knew how to communicate with each other about what needed to change. now, we have our bumpy patches, but keeping the relationship a priority and my underlying love of him in mind gets us through it…so far. 
i don’t believe in soulmates, but i do believe in finding the right person at the right time!
Thank you for this! We also hear frequent comments about how we have such a great relationship, and while I appreciate the observations, I also sometimes think that we’ve just got everyone fooled.
Because really, we fight. We bicker. We get very annoyed with one another. We can be very critical of one another. And things are not always as rosy as everyone else seems to think they are.
But we love each other to our cores, and we’re really good at not staying mad. This is a tough time - we’re also dealing with getting a mortgage, planning a wedding, moving twice (!) in three weeks, and working full time.
It’s not easy. But you’re right - it’s so worth it to work through this period of time to see what comes next. And making it through the difficult times is going to make you appreciate the great times that much more, don’t you think?
Miss Peony, sometimes I used to think that things should be perfect smooth sailing all the time too, but I have learned that that’s just a bunch of bull that is fed to us by movies and TV and advertising and romance novels. Relationships are not supposed to be perfect all the time. You are bound to disagree with your mate some of the time because you are not the same person. You come to the relationship bringing different backgrounds, interests, experiences and opinions and it would be impossible to agree 100% of the time with such variables at play.
The important thing is how you handle your differences. A healthy relationship is one you work at to keep it strong. You need to work through disagreements while treating each other with respect.
I fight with my fiance sometimes. I tend to nag him sometimes because he’s really lazy about housework and it drives me nuts, and my nagging drives him nuts and every once in awhile we just have it out with each other. We also have some fairly significant problems with both sets of parents that adds tension to the relationship. Disagreements happen sometimes.
The big difference between my fiance Chris and my other exes I’ve had in past (with regard to fights anyway) is that with Chris, I know a fight does not result in a breakup, EVER. It’s just a fight, and we work out a solution and then we’re closer than we were before. We don’t have any dealbreakers with each other. There’s always been a fear that a big disagreement would break us up when I was with other guys; we never had that sense of comfort or the bond that I have with Chris that holds us together.
I have to say that we are probably one of those sickening couples. But it didn’t come without hard work. I had several miserably sad relationships before I found my husband. Not only were we compatible, but we are so thankful to have found someone (finally) that we can’t get enough of each other!
Yes, we have problems, we argue and we make up. But our saying is, I would rather fight with you than not fight without you any day. We’re both in it. Divorce is not an option so we are committed to figuring things out and finding compromise wherever we can.
Hope this helps!
My fiance and I are just starting out (as many of us here are) and sometimes things get so intense with work, families, buying/maintaining a home, wedding planning, and just everyday problems- that something is bound to spark tension. I think “letting it out” every now and then is a vital part of a healthy relationship.
Lately, I’ve been thinking “when are we gonna get a break?” It seems like its one thing after another and I find myself daydreaming of an easier time when there will be a little extra cash in the bank, when we aren’t all about work-eat-sleep-work-eat-sleep…etc.
My fiance was on the phone with his grandmother yesterday, whom he is very close with. She was married for 50+ years to his grandfather before he passed away a few years ago. She knows that since we are trying to get a business running and have regular full-time jobs AND the wedding- we are struggling in general with life at the moment. But she reminded us that this is the best time of our lives. She said something to the effect of, “I know that it doesn’t seem that way now- and there will be times in your life where you DO have money in the bank and the house, the kids - but you’ll always look back at this time and know that through it all, you were truely happy.”
My fiance and I consider ourselves a team. Seriously, we have a name for it! Everything we do is for the good of the team. Times are hard, yes - and do we fight? Of course! But we have to keep reminding ourselves that we’re in this together.
I love this post because it echoes a lot of what I feel when I go online and check out blogs and stuff and everyone is always so rosy and perfect that I think it must be me. I question if my relationship and the difficulties and hurdles we overcome are just too much. But at the end of the day I look at him and as frustrated or mad or irritated as I can sometimes be, I know in my heart that I cannot live without this man and that all this work is worth the effort because I really do believe anything worth having is worth fighting for.
We have been together for 7 years and by year 2 I was like: don’t waste my time. If we are meant to be lets get this show on the road already. I could have given up many many times and in year 5 we did. But 6 months later we knew that we could not live with out each other and we finally took the step. It wasn’t the way I dreamt it would happen: meet, fall in love, get engaged and get married ALL within two years. It came in different steps, on its own timeline and with A LOT of work, but I am happy.
I’m thinking you might be experiencing the big WHAT IF question, but we all have it, you are not alone.
Long story short - I SO identify with this post. It’s good to see we’re not alone!
I think it’s important to remember that at the end of the day we will both have someone that will support us unconditionally. If love was so easily achieved, nobody would appreciate it!
It’s funny that you posted this, because FI and I were just talking this weekend if we believed in soul mates. Before I met him, I did. Now, I don’t believe that we were “destined” to be together, I think that we fell in love and are chosing to spend the rest of our lives together. Marriage is a choice, not an inevitability. I’m sure we will fight, bicker, disagree, cry, make-up, yell, and laugh. But we have decided that we would rather experience it together than alone. Fate is not joining us together - we are. For better or for worse.
don’t we all run into problems? i’m not so sure about the soul-mate thing. but i do know that there will come many a time that i’ll have to consciously make a decision to keep working on the relationship when things get tough. my friends and i were just discussing this this weekend and some of the married ones have found that there have been moments when they really had to talk themselves into falling in love with their spouse again. the happy honeymoon phase definitely fade after a while. then the true committment of marriage will start. and i think that’s how you get to be married for 50 years.
I definitely believe in soulmates. It’s about the person, not the circumstances of life. The circumstances of life change, and the person — at the core — does not. Find that one person and it does not matter what life throws your way. It’s not who you can live with (i.e., starter marriages) but you you can’t live without.
I’m just the opposite. At first I didn’t believe in soulmates. My fiance and I met through our mothers. I used to work with them both. One day his mom asked my mom if it was okay if she set me up with her son. Our first date was a blind date. 3 weeks later, we both declared our love for each other. I can’t explain it. I think that we are really meant to be together. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t had any bumps along the road. My fiance and I have lived together for a year now. And a couple of times, we have stayed at our respective friends’ houses for a night or so just because we had a major fight. But now we are just so happily in love. But I pick at him for his obsessive cleanliness and he picks at me for the lack of cleanliness. I know at the end of it all, we belong together and compliment each other.
I honestly don’t think ANYONE’s relationship is always sunshine and roses!
I know Mr. P and I have definitely had our hard times, and I’m positive there are going to be more to come as we progress as a married couple. No, I’m not being pessimistic — just realistic in my expectations of myself, as well as my husband. I will be the first to admit that I have many flaws, and I know he’s not perfect either… so why expect either of us to be blissfully ignorant of the other’s faults?
That said, I still don’t consider our relationship to be “failing” in any way. To compare it with the idea of the “perfect” relationship, with no disagreements, is to compare it to something that doesn’t exist. We have our flaws and imperfections, but we love and understand each other, and above all, we are committed to each other. Sure, we’ll struggle sometimes, but our relationship is still “perfect” in that we are committed to making it work regardless — the word is really relative, especially when you’re not measuring up against an idealistic standard that will never exist in real life.
(I know this is getting long…) I also think I am very selective when blogging here. This isn’t so much of an effort to hide our “dirty laundry” as it is an attempt to keep my posts as wedding-related and useful as possible for other brides, and also to just protect our privacy in general. There are many other important parts of my life that I don’t think I’ve shared very obviously on Weddingbee… but I think that was a conscious choice on my part. I guess even as a national blogger one can get a bit shy, no? 
Great post and I love your honesty!
I have to give you kudos for writing this post Miss Peony. Weddings are kind of like these weird juggernauts of things. With so much emphasis put on having the “perfect” wedding day, it can definitely make a person feel like there’s something wrong with them if their relationship isn’t completely perfect 100 per cent of the time. I know I’ve felt this way.
Relationships shouldn’t be waking nightmares, but at the same time, I think = it is incredibly necessary to have fights and to work through your problems together so you know that your partner, in addition to being a great joke teller/a brilliant thinker/a serious piece of eye candy, is someone who will have your back through a lot of life’s unhappy, unpretty and unglossy moments.
I have to give you kudos for writing this post Miss Peony. Weddings are kind of like these weird juggernauts of things. With so much emphasis put on having the “perfect” wedding day, it can definitely make a person feel like there’s something wrong with them if their relationship isn’t completely perfect 100 per cent of the time. I know I’ve felt this way.
Relationships shouldn’t be waking nightmares, but at the same time, I think it is incredibly necessary to have fights and to work through your problems together so you know that your partner, in addition to being a great joke teller/a brilliant thinker/a serious piece of eye candy, is someone who will have your back through a lot of life’s unhappy, unpretty and unglossy moments.
i love this post.
I echo everyone’s comments about how great it is about your honesty! I appreciate that the most out of your posts. =)
I agree in soulmates, but I do think that you can have more than 1. I do think that it doesn’t just mean in romantic relationships but I sometimes feel like my best friends are my soul mates.
And I don’t think a relationship is healthy unless you have healthy arguments.
I absolutely have a soulmate… but I’m not marrying him. I know that sounds funny, but my best friend in the entire world really and truly is my soulmate — we have more in common than anyone else I know and sometimes I swear we share a body (as in, I fall and seriously injure my ankle the exact same afternoon he does the same 600 miles away). But we have never been anything more than friends, and certainly never will be. I guess I’m just lucky that my fiance is fine with the fact that another man is my true soulmate!
I don’t believe in soulmates, but I do believe that I am marrying the man that is meant for me and only me. We are one of those couples that never fight and no we don’t bottle anything up, it’s just that we are so open with each other that there is nothing to fight about. He is the only person in the world that I can be so open to. When we do fight, which is honestly about twice every year, they are pretty big blowouts but the fights itself are always worth something. Like we learn something new about our relationship that one or both of us hadn’t thought about before. Also that fact that we’ve been together since I was 20, we’ve gone through all the “growing up” stages together and that we are on the same page about careers, marriage, having kids, etc… which I think really helps us.
Thank you for this post!
My BF and I have had one major rough spot, that lasted for about 3 months and almost ended with us breaking up. One thing that has really helped us is having accountability parters about our relationship. He talks to his best friend, and I talked to mine. They help us keep perspective on what’s happening and keep us on the right track.
Thank you Miss Peony for one of the most real posts I have read on this site.
Life isn’t always sunning planning and prepping - sometimes it’s dealing with the not so pretty times. That’s what makes the sweet times all the more enjoyable!
My parents have been married for 41 years. I never kidded myself that it was perfect, but I have always really admired my parents relationship. About a year ago my mom and I took our annual road trip and she told me that she and my dad had gone through marriage counseling 20 years ago. They hit a rough patch. With tears in her eyes my mom said, so strongly “but we made it”. For weeks I felt betrayed. I felt side swiped and duped. MY parents had to go to counseling?!!!
Now, after a lot of thought and some time, I admire them even more. One because my siblings and I never knew that they had a rough time and two, cause they did make it. It made me more understanding of them and it made me aware that I too may need to ask for help, or hit a rough patch in my own relationship.
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Mrs. Peony, New York
Age and Occupation: 27, Marketing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, QA Engineer
Engagement Date: June 28, 2007
Wedding Date: April 18, 2008
Venue: The Fountainhead
Blogging Since: August 7, 2007
About Me: Both Mr. Peony and I are huge computer nerds, and our conversations usually consist of the latest gadgets, programming languages, and video games. At the same time, I can also be very girly with an obsession with handbags, makeup, and high heels. And art! I've studied studio art extensively, almost majored in art history, and freelance as a web and graphics designer. Mr. Peony and I are having a ball of a time planning a wedding for 250(!) guests, doing our best to infuse our personalities (geeky chic) with the wishes of our very traditional Asian parents.
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