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Saturday night, I had an unfortunate encounter with an extremely unpleasant person. I didn’t immediately realize just how inconsiderate he was – but the more I think about it, the more upset I am about the entire situation.
Mr. Magnolia and I were invited over to a friend’s house to watch college football (surprise) as well as the Yankees-Red Sox game. We had a fantastic, relaxing day, which much needed, with everything that’s going on in our lives at the moment.
However, shortly before we left to go home, the evening took a turn for the worse. I was carrying on a conversation with our friend’s neighbor – it was nothing more than small talk, really – when the subject of my and Mr. Magnolia’s wedding came up. The guy I was talking to was really only vaguely interested in the wedding (no surprise there), but he did want to know how long we had been together.
“Well,” I replied, “We’ve been engaged for nine months, but we’ve been a couple for just over two years.”
“Two years?!?!” he exclaimed. “That’s nothing! You can’t possibly know each other well enough to know that you want to get married after two years!”
We went back and forth for a few minutes, and he revealed that he dated his wife for seven years before he proposed, and he thinks that that is the absolute minimum that a couple should be together before deciding to get married.
Finally, I told him that in my opinion, every relationship is different, and he shouldn’t judge mine simply based on his own relationship experience – and then I walked away. And I fumed. And I seethed. And I wondered why I didn’t blow up at him and tell him exactly where he can go, and in what kind of basket.
Because really, whose business is it how long Mr. Magnolia and I have been together? I know that a lot of people marry a high school/college sweetheart, which tends to prolong the time that they date before getting engaged and eventually married.
But what about those of us who didn’t meet our significant others until later? Mr. Magnolia and I met when we were both 26. If we got engaged seven years later and had a year-long engagement, we would be 34 before we actually tied the knot. I cannot wait to begin my life with Mr. Magnolia as a married couple, and I can’t imagine not doing so for another six years!
I think that as people mature, they have a better idea of what they are looking for in a partner. Both Mr. Magnolia and I dated a pretty good bit throughout high school, college, and the several years after college, but nothing stuck. When we met, we knew pretty quickly that this was it – this was different than all of our other relationships, and we were both in it for the long haul. He proposed just over fifteen months after our first date. I know that to some people, that’s not a lot of time. But we know exactly what we’re getting into, and the fact that a complete stranger thinks it’s okay to criticize the pace of our relationship infuriates me.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? Do you find that people think you’re rushing into things (or conversely, taking too long)? How do you handle it with grace? My instinct was to walk away from the conversation, but I really would have loved to put him in his place while not being outright rude. What do you think?
Aww…it’s annoying but nothing to get so worked up over. As long as you know you guys are ready for marriage, that’s all that matters.
My co-worker has said something similar in that sense to me since he waited for about 5 years to get married. My fiancee and I have only been together for about 13 months and we got engaged at 9.5 months. A few months into the relationship, we both knew what we wanted and that was to spend the rest of our lives together. Sometimes, it does get awkward answering others prying questions but you just got to deal with it.
I’m in a similar boat… My FI and I met when I was 29 and he was 37. We had both been through major relationships and life changing experiences, and knew what we were looking for in a lifetime partner. We actually knew after dating for a few months that we were going to get married. We just had a longer engagement.
We really didn’t get those questions/statements/criticism from our friends and family. I guess they just know like we know… -OR- they don’t have the nerve to question our judgement :). I wouldn’t care anyway if they did - but if someone did have the nerve to criticize our relationship like that, I probably would tell them where to go and what kind of basket to go in LOL.
Every couple is different.
that’s so ridiculous. it sounds like you handled the situation perfectly. if you meet when you’re 18, it’s smart to wait 7 years to get married because you’re going to change a lot between 18 and 25. however, if you’re both in your mid-to-late 20s or beyond, you’re pretty settled as mature adults, you know your own personalities, and you know where you’re going in life. there’s no reason to wait that long.
it sounds like this guy had some of his own issues with how long he waited to propose and how secure he was in his own relationship, so he was taking it out on you (consciously or unconsciously). i’m sure he took a lot of flak for waiting to propose, so he has built up these huge defenses justifying why he did so and it all just spilled out. he was very rude to behave that way.
i’ve had relationships that lasted for 4 years that wasn’t gonna lead into marriage. in contrast, my fiance and i got engaged when we were only dating for 1 year and 3 months. our wedding month will be exactly our 2 year mark. i found that by the time i started this relationship, i was much more mature, knew myself and what i wanted in a spouse and was ready to be married. our paths crossed at the right time in our lives when we were both ready, so there was no reason to wait. we also were friends for a few years before we dated, so we were able to skip that initial getting-to-know each other phase.
i think you and i are about in the same boat and you know what, that stranger doesn’t know you and your relationship at all. so just let it roll off your back. just tell him exactly what you told us. you were mature enough and knew that you were each other’s “one” so to speak. they probably don’t know how that feels, so they can’t fathom it. i knew i totally didn’t get that concept when i was younger… but now that i’ve found him, there’s really no reason to wait. 
Take it with a grain of salt. Everyone “thinks” they know but in essence, they only know very little. Quite the contrary, everyone thought Mr. Violet and I took too long (we were together for 8 years before we actually tied the knot… within those 8 years, it took 1.5 yrs to plan the wedding) I think some people looked at us and thought something must be wrong because we took so long to get married. However, I thought we got married at the most perfect time. We had enough money to do it without being broke, we were both at the right maturity level and we both are still very much in love with each other.
I would have been annoyed too if my neighbor said the opposite thing to me. But you know what, people are insensitive, they like to judge and blurt out things without fear that it might actually be rude.
I totally see where you’re coming from, although I also see where he’s coming from (although he could have been more tactful about it). Ive been with my fiance for almost 8 years. While we were young when we got together (I was 21-22), I knew I would marry him right away. We discussed marriage maybe 2-3 years into our relationship but didn’t engaged until just a half year ago. The things that happened in the last 3 or 4 years really opened our eyes up. We’ve been through more as we got older, deaths and sickness in our family, new jobs, breakups, life changes and it all became a test for us. We knew after all this we could battle anything together. TIme and experience do help, but i can understand the thought of “when you know, you know”. its just that i knew and even though we felt we were ready, we didnt realize how un-ready we were until we look back now. it doesnt matter though, as long as you feel it, it’ll be fine. this was just my own personal circumstance and waiting for us was the best thing. you can learn something new about the one you love everyday - and after 7 years, i am still learning.
getting married and having children seem to be two areas that everyone who’s done it seems to think they are an expert in, and therefore entitled to give you advice on the matter. you shouldn’t have to justify your relationship to your neighbor. don’t let it bother you though.
my FI and I also haven’t dated very long (2 years when we got engaged, 3.5 when we get married). there is no way in hell i would want to be married to the person i thought was a good partner 7 years ago. I think our ideas about maturity and stability change over time, especially from 18 to 25.
Oh and to add to that we did meet when we were 18 years old so that really made a huge difference because we both have changed so much in the last 8 years.
I’m sorry you had to experience that! As you said it depends on the couple. My aunt and uncle dated for 3 months before they got married and they’ve been together for now for almost 30 years! My sister and her husband knew each other and dated for 10 years before they were married. Everyone who’s been through something thinks they an expert in the area. One person’s experience does not make it law that everyone has to follow suit. It’s unfortunate people don’t think it through before they speak.
my co-worker asked in passing too how wedding planning was going. I couldn’t even get out a “fine” until he quickly interrupted and asked how old I was. Umm, random, but I told him I was 22. He starting yelling and screaming that no one should be allowed to get married until they’re 25 and that a law should be passed and on and on! It didn’t even matter to him we’re college sweethearts and were together 4 years before he popped the question. I agree with everyone seemingly here that just because it was one person’s experience, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are the ones setting a bar for all others to follow. When you know, you know
When I called one of my uncles to tell him I was engaged, he said, “Oh no! Don’t send the save the dates out yet!” His point was that he thought it was too soon and that we might not end up actually going through with the wedding. I was really offended at first but I ended up just laughing at him and telling him that I appreciated his concern for me but that I was 100% comfortable with our decision and our timeline. With a random guy that I didn’t know and didn’t care to see again, though, I might have been a bit more rude.
My fiance and I will be together 7 years in December and we’ve been engaged for over 2. However! We met at the precariously young age of 20! I think the older you are the less you have to wait to get married.
I think you handled the situation perfectly - like a grown adult. Your comeback was truthful and not vindictive. It probably left the neighbor embarrassed and thinking about what he had said. However, if you had blown up at him (even though his comment was completely uncalled for), the situation would only have gotten worse.
Many people around my FI and me kept asking us when we were going to get married which irritated me since I felt that we hadn’t been dating for very long (1 year and 8 months when he proposed). Like you said, each relationship is different and should be treated as such.
Some people are just like this — they think whateve route they took in life is the best. Don’t take it personally.
I haven’t always followed this advice though. One of my friends once gave me a really hard time about dating my boyfriend — now fiance –for so long, because she met and married her husband within the space of two years, total, and thought that if I hadn’t done so yet, something must be wrong. To the contrary. We met when we were 21 and 22, respectively. Dating for 7 years can be good when you’re so young, as others have said. To each his own!
Sounds like he was the type of guy that likes to get a rise outta people! Definitely do not let a guy like that upset you!
As you know and said, everyone is different!
Although I would have been there to defend you considering we’ve only dated for 8 mths and new at 1mth we wanted to get married!
I have many friends who were engaged under a year of dating! Some for only 5 months of dating!
Sorry he upset you so much! Shake it off and just be happy you and your fiancee are not like him! 
I completely agree with you. My husband (of one month!) and I met when we were 18, and were together for 7 years before he proposed. People kept asking when we were going to get engaged, since it had been so long, but we got married at a perfect time for our life-schedules. I can’t imagine what our relationship would be like if we’d gotten married earlier, but that’s because we would’ve been so immature, not because of the amount of time we’d been dating!
I think you shouldn’t get so upset at something a casual acquaintance says. Lots of people are going to have lots of opinions about you that you can’t control. FWIW, I agree with you: the older you are, the less time it takes. We got engaged after dating for 15 months–but at 37 and 43, we could hardly wait seven years to make up our minds and still have children! If it steams you, then next time someone says something like that to you, you can shrug and say, “I guess we’re more mature than other people.” Although perhaps saying so might contradict that :-).
I know exactly where you are coming from as I have gotten some of the same comments! I meet my FI in January of 2006, began dating him in October of 2006, we got engaged in April of this year, and will be married in 4 short weeks on October 20. I have heard all the rude, immature comments and had people go as far as to tell me that we will be divorced in a year. People can be mean- period! I agree with you though- every relationship is different and progresses at it’s own pace. He is 31 and I am 26- a long courtship and engagement was out of the question for us both!
As a side note- I would never date someone for 7 years!! I think after year 3 I would give up all hope Different strokes for different folks!
Good Luck and Go Dawgs!
eh, you should just ignore him. I don’t know why people feel the need to comment or provide advice when they aren’t asked to. Especially when its something like this. There’s no rule of thumb on how long a couple needs to wait to get married. Everyone’s different. I’ve known couples who have been together for 3 months and got married (and are still happily married after 17 years) while others have waited as long as 10 years because they weren’t ready yet.
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Miss Magnolia, Atlanta Age and Occupation: 28, Public Affairs and Government Relations Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Lobbyist Engagement Date: December 1, 2006 Wedding Date: January, 2008 Blogging Since: September 6, 2007 Venue: catherdral ceremony/private club reception About Me: Mr. Magnolia and I are thrilled to be planning an evening, winter wedding for 200 people in Atlanta. We both work in politics and share a love of University of Georgia football, pop culture, and good food! I'm a runner who adores wedding magazines, bad reality television, and a good glass of wine. Most of the time I like to think I'm pretty organized, but between wedding planning, house hunting, and a full-time job, I'm being put to the test!
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