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A while ago, when Mr. Hummingbird and I first started talking about getting engaged, we were mulling over getting one of our friends ordained and having her marry us. Unfortunately, when I went online to scope out the situation, I discovered that getting married by someone ordained online was not legal here in Canada, so I cursed my luck for being a Canuck and went on my merry way thinking Americans have all the luck (at least in that marriage arena - I still think it’s cool that my gay friends have the right to get married up here).
Anyway, it looks like I was wrong about the whole lucky Americans thing, because after reading this article in The New York Times, it looks like the online ordainments don’t stick too well south of the border either. Apparently, half a dozen states definitely do not recognize those marriages to be legal (in some, you can be fined $500 and jailed for a year) and it looks like the guidelines in others are incredibly foggy (”it might be legal, it might not, we can’t say”).
To me, this whole thing seems crazy. I mean if two people make the commitment to marry each other in front of witnesses and they have a marriage license, how is it not legal?
What do you think ladies? Are any of you getting married by ordained online ministers? How important is the legality of marriage to you?
From what I’ve read, those states that are in the gray area will give “online” couples everything afforded to “legally” married couples, just like if you were married the “legal” way. The only time where the validity of the marriage would be in jeopardy is if someone decided to take the couple to court. Then the online ordainment may not hold. But in a day to day setting, how many people do you know that would take you to court to contest the legality of your marriage?
Yeah, my interpretation is the same as kandaceandjason’s. We had my aunt get ordained and from all the actual legal descriptions of what’s allowed, it should be legal, even though it doesn’t explicitly state that online ordainments are authorized. But since we have a marriage certificate and my name has been changed and all that jazz, I can’t imagine it ever actually causing a problem. As far as taxes and legal rights and inheritance etc, everyone’s just going to assume that our marriage certificate is valid unless someone does take us to court, so that’s good enough for me. 
On a slightly meaner note…haha…my brother got married in the same county that we did the year before, also with an online ordainment, so I find a wee bit of consolation in the fact that if mine isn’t - neither is theirs! Haha. So at least we’ll have company if we have to try to sort it out one day.
So you mean Chandler and Monica really aren’t “The Bings”?!?!?!
I agree, if you make a commitment to each other and within yourself to be with this person of your choosing that should be enough… but then comes the sticky situations of who gets the money, the house, the kids if/(sadly)when there is a divorce…
BOOOO!
My husband and I have been married for 5years, legally for 2 months now =)
My FI got ordained online and married a couple a few years ago. We were thinking about having a friend do that for us, but ended up hiring a judge instead just because we didn’t think any of our friends would be up for the job.
I’m not sure why it’s illegal to be married by a person ordained online in some states…. but then again, some states have very strange and backwards laws about other things too.
My husband and I were married by our “e-reverend” friend that got ordained online through the Universal Life Church. I did call the county here in Wisconsin to make sure it would be legal. Our friend was the one that introduced us and it was perfect. He even got choked up while he was doing our ceremony.
I went to wedding recently where the officiant was a friend of the groom. The entire ceremony was essentially a toast to the groom, whom she had known for almost her whole life, and how wonderful he is, how lucky she is to be his friend, etc. After ten minutes of this, we got about one minute of “Oh, and bride, you seem really nice too. I can tell you’re perfect for my perfect friend.” I hadn’t been too keen on being married by a friend before this, and after this I was dead set against it. How can it not be lopsided, unless you’re one of those couples whose friends have known *both* of you for years and years?
Thanks so much for posting this! We’re planning to have one of my fiance’s friends serve as our officiant, and I just assumed that he could get ordained online and all would be fine - I’m not sure why I care, but some part of me wants to make sure this is legal in Illinois, so I will do my research!
I think it is ridiculous. I don’t really know the whole process yet, but my fiance’s father will be marrying us. He won’t be ordained online, but he will get a license good for one day to be our officiant. Its probably a little different than becoming an ordained minister. Anyway, the whole reason for it is because number one, we ar trying to get all of our immediate family involved in some way. Also, it would mean so much more if someone who knew us and cared about us married us as opposed to a complete stranger who is simply “hired”. Why does it really matter who performs the ceremony if there is a legal contract anyway?
My advisor was ordained via the Universal Life Church as a joke one afternoon. Then when I became engaged she was really excited about marrying me and my fiance, she was even going to wear her academic ceremony robes for the occasion. However we are doing it legally in the country we are getting married in so our lawyer that will be filing our international paperwork will be performing the ceremony.
I see nothing wrong with it. I have been to some great ceremonies performed by people ordained via the Universal Life Church.
In Colorado, you don’t need an officiant at all to be legally married. You can marry yourselves, sign the certificate, throw in a couple witnesses and you’re good to go.
In San Francisco, anyone over 18 can be certified by the city to perform one particular wedding on one particular day anywhere within the city limits. Kind of cool.
Speaking of legality, does anyone have ideas for how a straight couple can graciously point out on the day of their wedding that while they’re thrilled to be married, they wish the committed gay couple who’s sitting at table 5 could enjoy the same right? I’m not looking to turn my wedding into a political event, but I’d like to make sure my guests know where my fiancee and I stand. I’m considering making a donation to a freedom-to-marry group in lieu of favors, but I’d love to hear other ideas.
We had my bonus mom marry us, and I agree that it was much better than having someone “hired”. I never questioned the validity of her ordination though, but there are three certificates on her wall that say she is a Minister, Certified Spiritual Healer, and Earth Steward.
BD: This celebration is about the joining of your and yours, and I don’t think it would be wise to say “and now that we’re married, we’d like to point out so and so who can’t. Thanks and cake will follow”. Regardless of your motivation, it does come off as political and could be uncomfortable for guests. I think you’re on the right track though for favors, but let that be as far as it goes. It’s a celebration, not a platform. And for guests who don’t what “Freedom to Marry” is, they can look it up when they get home. That response would help your cause more than an announcement.
IMHO of course.
BD - talk with your friends and get their opinions. Nothing is worse than being “outed” to complete strangers (regardless of if they are out to their families, which I assume they are.)
My suggestion would be to make the donation and then either in the programs or on little cards at each table specifically state why this particular group. “In lieu of favors, a donation has been made to the Freedom-to-Marry fund in hopes that one day people of all orientations can have as special a day as we have had today. For more information please visit ftm.org.” It gets the point across, it’s philanthropic, and you refrain from making your friends the “poster child” of your activism when most likely they just want to celebrate you without being the center of attention. Calling them out alienates them, which is what you are lobbying against, isn’t it?
We are having a professor from our college marry us. We wanted something a little different since we are both not very religious. The professor teaches World Religions (how fitting!) and is also a great friend of ours. FI actually played in a band with him back during our college years.
We called him to see if he would get ordained online and preform our ceremony and he actually already was! He had already officiated several weddings for other couples. How cool is that?
In response to a couple other posts:
I think the friend who married the couple and only talked about the groom probably was given complete freedom to say whatever he wanted. I know we are choosing our vows and most other things that typically go into a ceremony. Of course, his father will be able to say what he wants as well. I think its more about the fact that the guy didn’t really consider what he was doing - I would hope if you had someone you know marry you they would know both of you well enough to say something about each of you, and your relationship with each other.
As for the post about stating somewhere in the ceremony or reception that you think everyone should have the right to marry you: while I 100% agree with you, not everyone will. It may also cause a bit of awkckward silence. And, the day is about you. While I think it is great that you want to make that point, I definitely think the favors are a wonderful idea. It is a great way to show what you stand for, while not forcing it to become an issue. We wanted to do a charity for our favors also, but with all unfortunate illnesses in both of our families, people were sort of taking offense to certain charities we discussed. I think marriage rights is really a good choice if that is what you stand for. Go for it!
Well, my first choice is of an all-to-convinient situation where a very good family friend of mine is getting ordained several months prior to the wedding. I would LOVE her to marry Ken and I.
But, yet - I did say “her” - that’s Ken’s problem. While we’re not entirely religious, Ken’s family might not be okay with the untraditional notion of a female minister.
We’ll see…time will tell. Maybe I can get him to warm up to the idea. The only problem might be the minister getting a little emotional during the ceremony - but I think that would be endearing.
As a lawyer who has studied family law, I know that I have a different perspective than many non-lawyers on why it matters that your marriage is legal. But in case you really believe there is no difference or it doesn’t matter, consider that gay marriage advocates must be fighting for SOMETHING. It could make a huge difference if it were to be determined that your marriage is null and void. For example, w/o a will, your husband’s parents would inherit his estate on his death, not you.
There are so, so many rights and so many issues of status that are tied in with being married - things that will surely matter to you. The government isn’t wrong to want to be careful about who can perform marriages, even if they are behind the times. Just be careful, whether you are getting married outside your home country or by someone who was ordained just to marry you. It is not worth the headache when you could rectify the situation by a simple trip to the courthouse.
Kami - my husband and I are both lawyers - we were married by an “online ordained minister” and we, in no way, doubt the legality of our marriage. We have the certified marriage certificate to prove it!
Anyone who wants to take this route should just do their research. We confirmed with the city where we were married, the city that issued our marriage license, and the state authorities (we live and were married in the same state, different cities) that our marriage would be perfectly legal given our state statutes.
Your advice should be to everyone to do their homework. If you do, you’ll know what is legal and what isn’t.
Kami, good point! I think that it’s easy to forget that with all the joy that surrounds getting married, you have to remember that you are legally joining your lives together and that if anything were to happen to either of you, the legality of your marriage will protect the other.
Thanks for that input, Kami (and for this article, Miss H!)
My MOH’s mom is going to marry us, and I was unsure of the whole process, and I frankly dont care that my marriage becomes “real” on the day of our actual wedding, so we will probably take a trip to the courthouse shortly before the wedding. It should be fun!
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Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist Engagement Date: May 4, 2007 Wedding Date: June 28, 2008 Blogging Since: September 18, 2007 Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property. About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
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