Wedding Blog
I have to admit it. I’ve got a bit of a body issue that’s coming to light now that we’ve actually decided to get married. It’s not my butt or my hips or my thighs or my feet (although at 6’1″, they are kind of freakish) but something that most brides don’t even give a second thought about. It’s my hand.
Five years ago, while at the part-time job I was working to help pay for school, I got into an accident. A serious accident. Through some slip of fate, my left hand got slammed in a steel door and the tips of two of my fingers were crushed and severed. Although the doctors I had were great and worked hard to give me as much function as they could, at the end of the day, I was still left an amputee.
The first few months after the accident were devastating, not just physically, but mentally. I had to get used to seeing myself in a new way, to reconcile the loss of a physical piece of myself and still accept myself as whole. It was a very hard road. A lot of my friends dropped off the face of the planet, I guess not knowing what to say to me, and the guy I was seeing at the time ended up not being a support of any kind so we broke up. I didn’t know what to do or what to say to anyone, so I kind of ended up receding into myself for some time afterwards because I felt like such a monster.
Happily, things got better. With the physical therapy I did, I ended up gaining back a range of motion in the hand which gave me some of my confidence back and I threw myself into projects at school which made me feel useful and valuable. By my one year anniversary, I was not only completely healed up but I was graduating college on time, with honours and debt free! I felt really proud of myself.
Since that time, I’ve come to accept myself for who I am now and things have been a lot better. I mean it’s not all rainbows and puppies - I still have bad days sometimes when I realize my physical limitations and when I experience pain I can’t control, but it’s been pretty good.
Until now. When everyone wants to see my ring. On my left hand.
Any time I have to show someone, I find myself feeling really self-conscious about it, and then, when I realize how lame I’m being, I feel like an idiot for even letting it bother me. I mean seriously, didn’t I work through all of this already? Shouldn’t I just be fine with it and move forward?
Logically, I know that time heals all wounds, but somehow I feel like this one is being ripped back open and I’m being left to grieve all over again. I’ve tried to explain this to Mr. Hummingbird, when he catches me putting my left hand under the table at dinner, but he’s so sweet, he just tells me that I’m still beautiful and not to worry about it. But I can’t help it. I still kind of feel like a freak bride.
So I turn to you ladies. How are you dealing with your self consciousness in the face of your big day? What is helping you work through it?
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Share this post: Time Heals All Wounds?
Thank you for sharing your story of loss and strength… *HUG*
How brave of you to share this story. I’m sure most people who see your hand think how strong you must be to have worked through that.
I’ve been very lucky and don’t have any personal experience with this, but I have a friend who was born with a misfigured hand. It reminded me so much of your story that I had to share! All the fingers on her left hand are tiny and curled under, therefore unable to display her beautiful engagement ring.
When she got engaged she decided to wear her ring on her right hand. All of her engagement and wedding photos are taken so her left hand is either behind her, behind her bouquet, or behind someone else. While I think it’s these little parts of life that make us who we are, she understandably didn’t want her hand showing in the photos. And guess what? She was one of the most beautiful brides I’ve seen!
Hang in there 
Thanks for telling us your story. You’re really an inspiration!
I think you ought to be proud and not self conscious of the way your hand looks. Everyone has something they wish they could change about themselves, but at the end of the day, know that your significant other loves you for who you are despite what you think are flaws, so isn’t that enough! You truly show a brave side that I only wish I had!
Thanks for sharing. What an amazing story. I’m glad you’re feeling stronger now and are excited about your wedding. If you’re really not comfortable with the ring on your left hand, have you thought about wearing your ring on your right hand? Europeans do it, why can’t we?! Either way, I look forward to seeing you as a beautiful happy bride in love!
You are truly an inspiration. and your FI is right, you’re beautiful just the way you are. Hang in there!
Don’t beat yourself up about feeling self-conscious - we all have our insecurities. If it really bothers you, no one says you can’t wear it on the other hand!
Wow, thanks for sharing your story.
I’m working through my own self-consciousness issues by continuing to remind myself that on my wedding day, I am going to be surrounded by people who love me, and that in their eye’s and my fiance’s eyes, I will be beautiful no matter what.
Please know that although people may be surprised by or curious about your hand if they haven’t gotten a good look before, it’s not a judgement. If you show that ring off proudly, most of them will probably admire your boldness.
Thank you for sharing. It make me remember we all have our hang ups, and some are a little more meaningful than others. You will be a beautiful bride inside and out!
Thank you so much for sharing! *hugs*
That’s a great story, and what courage you have. I must applaud you. I too was in a serious accident about 15 years ago that required 85 stitches in my face of all places. I have a huge scar that resembles a lightning-bolt on the right side of my face. It extends from the top of my eyebrow, through my eyelid, down to the middle of my cheek. While my plastic surgeon was fantastic in putting me back together, there is still a huge scar on my face. I was just married on Sept. 8th and all I kept thinking through the whole planning process is, “How is my face going to look?” I’m pretty self-conscious about it. To my amazement, my photographer did a wonderful job in “touching up” the photos and you can not see a thing!! The constant support of family and friends telling me how beautiful I looked also made a huge difference. Hang in there! You too will look beautiful.
My scars aren’t visible, but I understand the feeling of having the wound ripped open again. It heals, it hurts, it heals, it hurts.
And I think you’re doing great. It’s a lot to get over something physical that hurts you so much emotionally as well. And basically, you’re asking everyone to look at your hand when you show them the ring…something that you’re probably not used to.
Hang in there Miss H. You’ve got a wonderful man by your side and you’re going to be a beautiful bride.
*hugs* its amazing u ve shared yr story. yr fiance loves u for who u r, so dont ever be disappointed..
Thanks for sharing your story. I know exactly how you feel. I had an accident many years ago that left my face permanently scarred and my nose disfigured (I fell from a 2 & ½ story building). After many operations, I can breath and smell and taste and am grateful for these little things. Since it’s on my face, there is no way to hide it. It’s right there when you look at me. My nose is a little “pug” and I have a faded scar on the bridge where they replaced it, but the biggest thing is that one of my nostrils remains longer than the other, making it look lopsided. I’ve gotten used to it and although I can’t help but notice it and I admit I am not fond of pictures from a certain angle, I rarely think of it anymore. My fiancé met me as I look now and thinks my nose is cute (bless him for that!). I can honestly say that I would not change a thing. When I meet new people, especially when someone introduces me to a friend & says “she’s getting married on…”, I’m sure they wonder, but honestly I don’t think it matters, at least not to me. Enjoy your ring and show it off! The more comfortable you are with it, the more comfortable other people will be. Best wishes to you!
Thank you, Miss Hummingbird. You are brave to share your story with everyone. I really appreciate your frankness.
I have my own internal (and some external) markings of my own, and what has helped me to get through some of it is talking about it with other people- and being reassured by Mr. Dahlia that he loves me as I am today. Doing things that make me feel really good about who I am (wearing a fabulous dress, making an awesome dinner or lifting really heavy weights) also help.
I also had a similiar experience in my life. About the age of 5 I got one of my fingers crushed by a steel door and it has been amputated from it’s original size.
Initially it really bothered me because I had this large black scar over my fingertip for about a week. I later realized that a part of my finger was no longer there, and I became self-conscious about the appearance and my limitations. I adjusted quite well over the years, I kept up with playing the piano and started to accept my apperance over the years.
It still looks very different from my other fingers but I don’t let it get to me. I’ve adjusted quite well after my accident and nowadays most people don’t notice my finger unless I really point it out.
You should be grateful for the many things you have in your life, including your wonderful fiance! I know the accident was quite emotional for you but I think you shouldn’t let it get in your way, especially on your wedding day!
This is such a great post to read along with all of the comments. I have a 4 year old niece that was born with a limb deficiency. From the elbow down the hand did not develop. She is a beautiful little girl with every thing else going for her. It is hard to see her upset or frustrated but she ALWAYS wants to try to do it by herself! You can’t teach her patty cake and we all know that someone will always have to trim her fingernails on her other hand. Very simple things are taken for granted. I hope when she is older she will meet a man as compassionate as yours! I am sure your family loves him because he sees you the same way the rest of your family does. Your fingers may no longer be perfect but he sees you as perfect and that is all that matters You will be beautiful on your wedding day and if someone asks to see the ring show it off!!!
Thanks for sharing your story, hummingbird. I can only imagine how difficult that is. It is so wonderful how your fiance is so supportive and clearly sees how beautiful you are…so you have to see it too! And just remember that anyone who thinks otherwise is someone who is not worth your time.
I have always been vary self-conscious about various aspects of my body, particularly my lower half. As someone who is relatively curvy, my weight fluctuated a lot when I was growing up so I am very self-conscious about my weight. For the longest time, I hated wearing things like shorts/skirts b/c I sincerely thought I was too overweight. Mr. D has from the start been convincing me that I am beautiful the way I am, and even though I still am self-conscious sometimes, I am a lot less than I used to be and feel much more comfortable being who I am. I know that is nothing compared to your experience, but just wanted to share to the extent that I can relate…
You are beautiful, hummingbird!
Here’s to your strength. I’ve had skin cancer on my face, and had it removed. The little scars from that, and from the other things I’ve survived are all like merit badges. Here’s where I survived the car crash, here’s where the girl scratched me when we were playing tag. It’s all there, a story in braille and pictographs, for those willing and able to read it.
I also find it interesting that the ones who are worth it, the ones who really get it, stick around. Those who don’t fall by the wayside are the ones we should probably be keeping around anyways.
Wear your ring with pride on the hand you want to wear it on. It’s your wedding, do what makes you feel special.
I echo all the comments above, Miss Hummingbird — thanks for sharing your story. Wear your ring on your right hand if you feel more comfortable showing it off, or leave it on your left and know that its placement there ESPECIALLY is a sign of your fiance’s love and devotion for you, uncaring of appearances.
Good luck!
I’m not quite on the level as you, but I have Crohn’s disease, and it has a lot of side effects - for instance, right now, I’m going through a flare, and my face is swollen, my joints hurt, and worst of all, my hair is falling out. With only a year until my wedding, I know it’s not going to be grown back in very long. And it’s upsetting - my hair is part of my identity. But I have to remember- my fiancee doesn’t judge me by my hair, and neither does anyone who’s going to be there that day.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and have spent the time between then and now going throught treatment…it’s been easy to deal with amoungst my friends and family, because they know what’s been going on, but I felt SO self conscious when I was dress shopping for my bridal gown…I was wearing a wig and felt like I needed to explain to the dress consultant why she was having a hard time getting the veil to stay on my head…and why I had all sorts of markings on my breast that were visible above the necklines of low-cut dresses. I’m self conscious in front of seamstresses that see me without a top on and wonder how obvious my scars are and what they are thinking…so I COMPLETELY understand your discomfort.
But echoing the other responses here - be proud of what you’ve been through, and the strength that you have gathered from it. Inner beauty is so much more attractive than a flawless exterior!
I’m lucky–my giant scar is on my right hand. I can’t quite tell from your post, but if you have enough of a ring finger on your left hand so that the ring isn’t in danger of dropping off, go for it. Then, if it were me, and I were showing the ring to someone who knew the whole finger explanation, I’d be all, BLAM, there you go, fear my massive rock; but if I were showing it to someone who didn’t know the story, I’d just leave my hand more or less curled up.
On the other hand (to coin a phrase) if your finger doesn’t go to the first knuckle, I’d be afraid of losing the ring altogether, and that’s the point at which I’d use a different finger or a different hand.
My grandmother was missing the tips of the middle two fingers on her left hand, and I don’t know that I ever noticed it until she mentioned it. I know no one notices my 4-inch surgical scar. I think as our weddings approach, we start getting hypercritical about our appearances. Unless you have one of those old maid aunts who criticizes everything, everyone’s going to be way too happy for you to care if your hands are symmetrical.
Or, hey, if you’re lucky like me, maybe the groom will develop a massive, dime-sized zit on the left side of his face, like mine did. One dime-size zit on the groom covers all imperfections in the bride.
Miss H,
Again, thank you for sharing your story of bravery and survival. Please remember that on your wedding day you’ll be surrounded by supportive and loving family and friends.
It’s true that most times you are more self-conscious of your situation than others. In general, people are less aware of abnormalities than one expects, or are too polite to inquire. And for those who do ask, a simple straight-forward response usually does the trick.
I have a killer scar that runs from my right elbow to wrist. I’ve made peace with how it happened and don’t mind when anyone asks about it. I probably tell them more than they want to know.
Hope you find your own unique path to feeling comfortable with your ring/hand situation. Good luck on planning the rest of your special day.
-n
Like Buffy above, I think that scars are “merit badges” but I can also relate to how you might not wish to turn every request to see the ring into a story about a different time.
It’s a totally different situation, but a woman I know is a crazy germaphobic and has issues about people to whom she’s not close touching her, so whenever she gets a request to “see the rock” she pulls the rings off her left hand with her right hand and holds it up to the inquirer extended toward them between her right index finger and thumb. The interested party can enjoy a nice close-up look at the goods and they don’t have to touch her hand or put their face (GERMS! GERMS! GERMS!) right up on her.
Clearly, you are not suffering from the same silly cooties terror (Um hello… she rides the subway in NYC every day!) as my friend, but it might be an okay tactic to use on the randomly inquisitive.
Miss HB, you are truly brave and I hope that every day you feel as magnificent as your husband clearly knows you are.
Bravo for sharing. I hope that you continue to feel blessed about having someone in your life who could care less about the outcome of your accident. My advice is to embrace your ring and what it means. The left hand is not important, but what your ring symbolizes is. I know it’s a tradition to wear it on the left hand, but it really doesn’t mean anything if you really think about it. There are some cultures that always wear their e-ring on the right hand and there are others that don’t wear e-rings at all.
So feel blessed that you are in Canada and share the tradition of the e-ring, because I’m sure you love it! I know that everyone expects to look at your left hand but you have to worry about you. Offer an explanation or not. Be blessed and all the best.
Hi,
Thank you for sharing such a personal story! I can think of at least one easy solution - wear the ring on your right hand. You might have to explain why to some clueless folks who ask, but there are all kinds of ways to do it:
1) My fiance is my right hand man, so it makes sense to wear the ring on my right hand
2) It just seemed like the “right” thing to do
3) I’m left handed
4) I like to keep people guessing
5) My left hand was injured and I prefer to wear the ring on the other hand
6) (I saw this on another board) “You know, ever since the tragic events of September 11th….” and trail off into silence
7) Smile sweetly and say nothing
It’s your ring, and it’s your decision how you wear it!
Dear Miss Hummingbird,
Thank you for sharing. One of my bridesmaids is an amputee. She lost her left arm 3 inches below the shoulder. She went through similar things as you with the unsupportive boyfriend (they were together 5 years and broke up 6 weeks after the accident), and also being able to graduate college ontime despite missing the last few weeks of the semester (with honors, cum laude!) She is my superhero, and though she didn’t sign up to be anyone’s hero, the way she handles, accepts, and loves herself just the way she is, gives me the strength to cope with things that aren’t nearly as difficult as I make them to be.
On your wedding day, it doesn’t matter who you are or what kind of scars you have or how obvious they are, you can’t help but to be at least a little self conscious. I was SUPER self conscious. I think you just have to draw from the love of the people around you and feel comfortable and at peace. You’re going to be beautiful, you just have to feel it.
When I was 6 my brother chopped the top joint off my marriage finger.Once it had healed,my mother took me off to buy a ring for my stump as she didn’t want me to grow up being shy about it and she always painted my 9 nails on a Friday after school.I didn’t like wearing a ring on it as everyone could see my stump but by the time I was in my teens, I was wearing 2 or 3 rings on it!
[...] am not a crier. I especially hate crying in front of other people, so much so that when I got into my accident almost six years ago, one of the first thoughts to enter my head after “Oh man that really [...]
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Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto
Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist
Engagement Date: May 4, 2007
Wedding Date: June 28, 2008
Blogging Since: September 18, 2007
Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.
About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be
the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
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