Only now that Mr. Penguin and I are engaged do I realize what a bummer it was that a few people in our lives, especially my parents, didn’t take our relationship REALLY seriously before we officially got engaged. Despite the fact that we had been dating for 6 years, had lived together for 2, and had co-signed on a home, they still treated me like a “me” and not a “we.” Although we weren’t officially engaged, Mr. Penguin and I had settled into a married-ish relationship a couple years before we made it official.
My parents really love Mr. Penguin, after all he is a great guy. Before we got engaged, Mama and Papa Penguin and I would often discuss my future. They never really mentioned his presence in it, and I was too hesitant to outright discuss the fact that he would be in my life 10 years from now. We often would discuss the future of my business. In my heart, I knew that if Mr. Penguin wanted to start his own private practice in another part of the country, I would be more than happy to follow. And to make sure that we had an income, I would drop my own business to get a steady job with a steady cash flow, just so we could be sure that we could pay our bills while he got off of the ground. BUT, there was NO WAY I would have ever been able to say this to my parents, pre-engagement. Even though he was my long-term boyfriend, even the MENTION of me making a career sacrifice for someone other than myself was a little upsetting for Papa Penguin.
Once Mr. Penguin slipped that ring on my finger though, everything changed, practically overnight. All of the sudden, Papa Penguin became very open and understanding of the idea that once we were married, it would become perfectly acceptable to make such life altering moves and changes for your spouse. Conversations about my future, about us having kids, moving into a bigger house for our family, etc, all now come really easily for my parents and me.
I do think it’s a shame that long term couples aren’t taken as seriously as engaged ones. The last year or so before we got engaged became particularly awkward for my parents, I think. Now my parents see Mr. Penguin and I as a unit, rather than just their daughter and her current boyfriend.
Has your relationship become more “legitimate” in peoples’ eyes now that you are engaged?
Yep. Convinced we were separated at birth. I’m about to move to Utah (gulp) for at least six months because of FI’s job (more or less). This would never have flown with my mom before we were engaged. But now, completely understandable. Go fig 
I hear ya. When FBIL brother got married last spring, FMIL didn’t think I should be in the family formals - even though we had been together nearly eight years at that point (way longer than the bride and groom, in fact!). My FSIL insisted, however, and since she was the bride, she got her way.
We got engaged the next weekend, and suddenly I actually felt like a part of the family. I still called FMIL Mrs.——, and I feel like that may have continued even after we got married.
I absolutely agree with you.
Our relationship dynamics haven’t changed that much since getting married. The commitment was already there even before we got engaged.
But something the marriage has really changed is the way we are viewed by others. It definitely gives the relationship a lot more apparent “legitimacy”. This is especially noticeable in a professional environment. Whenever you say “My husband is calling” or “My wife needs me to do X”, it just carries so much more weight and the boss is much more understanding.
Hmmm that’s interesting that most people’s families took their relationship more seriously as soon as they got engaged. My fiance and I have been engaged for 9 months now and my family still doesn’t take us all that seriously - a common refrain around their house is “well, it’s not like you’re MARRIED yet…”
But then, as you might guess from the above, my family doesn’t like my FI much so they’re hanging onto every last second that I’m still technically single. I find it funny, because we’ve been common law husband & wife for 2 1/2 years now, so we’re NOT technically single. Whatever though 
One thing that happened was once we got engaged, the comments about how I should break up with him have stopped which has been a HUGE relief. A lot less fights with my mom.
Yes. My fiance and I were engaged for about 6 months before my parents finally acknowledged it–and only after The Rock was on my finger.
My parents were pretty difficult. I felt that they didn’t believe me at all–they didn’t believe that I was engaged until I had physical proof, and they even demanded that my fiance call them (long-distance) to verify that I wasn’t just making it up. It didn’t seem to me that they were holding onto old traditions, and that they hadn’t reacted the same way when my brother had gotten engaged (instant acceptance of the fact, even though they’d never even met his fiancee). My mother says that they just have different ways of expressing things that they want, and that their belligerence was all done with the best of intentions, but I would definitely have rather they gave me a little credit!
Yes, absolutely! We are now married, but this really annoyed me. Prior to getting engaged, even though we lived together, my family would only address Christmas cards, etc. to me.
Unfortch, we dealt with some pretty rude, nasty reactions to moving in together. It just killed me that those same people turned around and were as sweet as pie once we wer engaged. I really didn’t like how they went from so judgemental to so supporting of our relationship just b/c of a piece of jewelry.
yup! kinda in the same boat as you…
we were together for 5 years before he proposed, and i would have never mentioned moving in with him then.
once i had the ring, i moved in 2 months later, and no one cared!
I’m on the other side of the issue.. my boyfriend and I believe in short engagements, and so while we’ve been together for two years, and it’s pretty sure that we’re getting married in 2008 or 2009, we won’t be engaged for another year or so. My roommate, however, has been dating her now-fiance for just barely a year now, and even though they won’t get married until 2010, people see their relationship as more legitimate than ours. I’m even getting comments (jokingly, but still..) from her fiance about my BF and I “beating them” to getting married. Not to mention the wedding planning talk and paraphernalia that’s popping up all over the place..
(disclaimer: I really am friends with my roommate! She’s a great girl!)
I completely agree. Me and my BF may as well be married but we are not yet engaged. We have been together four years, lived together for 3 and own a condo and a car together, as well as adopted two kittens… my parents and his family are cool, his mom calls me her daughter, but my grandma refers to him as my ‘friend’ and won’t refer to him as my boyfriend. My cousin, who is male, was in the same situation but to my grandma that was perfectly acceptable. frustrating! it may not be official yet, but we have discussed rings, (and more importantly) the wedding in detail despite the fact that we aren’t married or engaged!
i definitely agree too! even though our families took our relationship seriously, i think the biggest difference we saw came from our coworkers…it seemed that they viewed “fiance” as much more legitimate than just saying “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, and it was apparent in the way people would respond with you introduced them or when you have situations such as the example mrs. ant gave!
Definitely! same issue with us. I feel like for everyone around us, including family and close friends as well as acquaintances and co-workers, getting engaged legitimized our relationship, we weren’t “living in sin” anymore, which makes me kind of sad (not the not living ion sin part, but the fact that other people feel like a ring, a wedding and a marriage are the only things that make a relationship valid) We have decided that we will continue to celebrate our “anniversary” of how long we have been together, it seems like too many couples only celebrate their wedding anniversaries and forget entirely about the time before they were married, a very important part of the relationship i my opinion
Maybe it’s because boyfriends come and go more often than fiances. And people don’t really know the level of committment between to people when they’re dating. I’ve known people that have dated for 7 years and aren’t very committed to each other. Some that have dated 1 or 2 years and are completely committed to each other….neither couples engaged. That’s what makes marriage special….it’s kind of the big obvious committment. My relationship dynamic didn’t change with my fiance but I think people had something more concrete to understand our level of committment when they realized we wantd to marry each other. Maybe it’s not correct for people to treat you differently but I guess it’s kind of understandable. I mean…how many fiances are you going to have in a lifetime?
Also, there’s something funny but good about how many people respond marriage…I’ve found that people in general (coworkers, family, random strangers) just get really excited for you when they find out you’re engaged…it’s like they’re pulling for you to really succeed and have a good life together….different from just living in a married-like situation.
CG, my brother was in the same situation and no one gave him a hard time either.
Not every couple wants to get married or can do so legally, so I think that using engagement as a meaurement of how serious a relationship is is just off base.
I’m with smartl. The engagement was tantamount to throwing down the gauntlet to his parents who then really pulled out the stops to try and derail us. The things they did — were just insane. The pressure they put on my DH! But they failed and now they are too proud to have anything to do with us. Silly prejudiced people who can’t understand why their son, born and raised in the USA, wouldn’t want to report to the parents’ home country and marry one of their own kind, so to speak.
my parents refused to acknowledge my live-in bf of three years until he became my FI. they kept referring to him as my “friend”. i was like “ok mom - you can continue to live in denial”
I’m going to take the unpopular stance that families shouldn’t take boyfriends as seriously as a fiance. What’s to take seriously about a boyfriend? I know that some people don’t think that marriage is that important as long as you’re “committed” to each other, but obviously committment is a lot more than dating someone. When you get married, you’re making vows in front of friends, family, and God. Much more serious than a boyfriend.
I’m going to take the unpopular stance that families shouldn’t take boyfriends as seriously as a fiance. What’s to take seriously about a boyfriend? I know that some people don’t think that marriage is that important as long as you’re “committed” to each other, but obviously committment is a lot more than dating someone. When you get married, you’re making vows in front of friends, family, and God. Much more serious than a boyfriend.
I am so relieved to hear that it’s not only me in this situation…and I’m still saddened because for me and my fiance, my parents are still not taking us very seriously. My dad thinks that “something” could still happen before we actually marry…at which I was very angry at the thought and almost ready to rescind my father’s presence at our wedding. *sigh* And I’m exactly like Miss. Penguin…6 years dating, living together for 2 years. Oh…but how to deal with their lack of faith in our relationship for the time being??
Trish, I think there is a difference b/t a boyfriend you have been dating a month and a boyfriend of 6 years like Miss Penguin mentioned.
My relationship with my husband did not change much when we became engaged or married. And I mean that in a good way! I guess I can see how that would not be obvious from someone on the outside, but we were just as committed on our wedding day as we were the day before.
I am actually amazed at how many people have this problem. Wouldn’t those actions just be a sign that the parents haven’t accepted your SO? My situation was the complete opposite — both of our families had accepted that our relationship was serious after being together for a year after we got together (over 3.5 years now). Living together pretty much sealed the deal considering that was a huge step for us.
Perhaps age places a role in your parents’ actions.
As much as it hurts to have people look at my friends’ relationships, be it engaged or married as more legitimate than the relationship I have with my BF (like a couple of friends who dated for a month, got married six months later and after the wedding started greeting my BF and I by saying, “Greetings, single people!”), I do have to say that I’m glad that that’s the way our culture still looks at relationships, that marriage or moving towards it is valued. But I don’t think that valuing marriage needs to mean that you assume that those who aren’t married or engaged aren’t as committed or don’t love each other as much or aren’t as mature in their relationships.
heh, I’m going to comment three times now..
But does anyone else really despise the fact that our society only allows for “boyfriend/girlfriend” to those who haven’t gone out and bought a piece of jewelry? Again, I am old fashioned and believe that marriage is pretty much the way it should be, but it really ticks me off that the man (not the boy) whom I am totally serious about spending the rest of my life with is lumped together with some womens’ month-long hookup.
Mrs. Penguin, Sacramento
Age and Occupation: 26, Video & TV Producer/Director/Editor
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I'm a silly mess of a girl who, above all else in this world, LOVES the Spice Girls. I eat sushi at least 3 times a week, and feel guilty about how much it costs the other 4 days a week. I love designer jeans and cheap accessories. I don't like sweets, but I love the UCLA Bruins!
I definitely agree with you. My parents didn’t give us a hard time really but other people definitely take us so seriously now when we talk about our future, etc. Granted, we didn’t have nearly the courting period you guys did but just the same - it IS crazy how things can change for people literally overnight!